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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

gender disappointment?

44 replies

charlh929 · 01/10/2015 17:14

Please don't judge me on this, I already feel ashamed and embarrassed about what I'm about to admit (also no nasty comments please as it'll make me feel worse) ... Okay, basically I am now 14 weeks pregnant with my second baby & I am worried about experiencing gender disappointment. With my first baby, I was convinced I was having a girl, I had a gut feeling,I'd refer to the baby as she, looked at all the little girls clothing and Imagined myself playing with princess dolls etc. I had terrible sickness (all day until around 5months) my bump was high and i had sweet cravings (I know these things don't automatically predict a girl but it's thought its more likely). Also everyone around me was convinced I was having a girl, then at my 16 week gender scan I was genuinely gobsmacked when the scanning lady said 'I can definitely tell its a boy' within a minute or so of being in the room. I'm ashamed to admit this but i actually came out crying, I just couldn't picture myself with a boy but I hated myself for resenting the baby for not being a girl and for not being happy that I had a healthy, happy baby. After the gender scan (which a couple of people knew about) I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone the sex of the baby, I didn't want to admit it was true and I was constantly googling stories about women who are told they are having a boy but they end up having a girl. Anyway, at the 20 week scan it was confirmed we were having a boy. I still didn't tell anyone the sex until over 6 months pregnant. I was really disinterested in the pregnancy after that point. Until delivery day, after hours in labour the instant they put my baby boy in my arms I fell in love, he was mine and he was perfect. He is 5 months now and everytime he smiles at me he melts my heart, don't get me wrong I wouldn't change him for the world he's beautiful, but is be lying if i said I wasn't hoping for a girl this time around. Even though I love my boy, whenever I'm shopping I'm instantly attracted to girls things and I wish I could buy them. A boy and a girl would be perfect. This could be my last child so I'm worried about experiencing the same thing again. I've always longed for a girl and it doesn't help that my Sister in law is pregnant with her first girl and my other sister in law is pregnant again (she already has a girl and two boys). I've had a couple of scans but I can't tell anything by the nub. I'm desperate to know, just so I can accept it. This pregnancy has been completely different from my first, I have no appetite and suffer from nausea but haven't been sick at all they couldn't be more different. But deep down and based on the scan pictures I've seen I think this ones a boy too (maybe I'm just mentally preparing myself, who knows?). I've already semi prepared myself that this baby's a boy. I'd just really love a girl as on my side of the family apart from me, there aren't any girls. I've always been around boys.

Sorry for the essay, I just needed to get this off my chest

OP posts:

CityDweller · 01/10/2015 17:22

See, this is why I think not knowing the sex is better. Because I think it's biologically/psychologically impossible to be disappointed in the sex of the baby if you wait to find out at the birth, because then discovering the sex is wrapped up in the crazy euphoria of giving birth and therefore you're guaranteed to be happy with whatever you get.

I have no scientific proof for the above, other than not finding out the sex with my DD (and in fact I was convinced during pregnancy it was a boy, although I didn't really mind either way) and then I was completely utterly thrilled it was a girl when I looked to find out. But I think I would have been equally as completely and utterly thrilled if she had been a boy. In fact, I didn't even think to check the sex for a few minutes - the midwives had to prompt me. I spent the first few minutes of her life clutching her and uttering, joyfully, 'it's a baby! Hello baby!!'

So, my advice is don't find out if you're worried you'll be disappointed it's another boy.

(By the way, I don't think you should feel bad about feeling the way you do about wanting a girl. If it's how you feel, it's how you feel. I'm sure others will be on here shortly to tell you you should be grateful for what you get and that boys are brilliant, etc. All of which is true. But...)

VashtaNerada · 01/10/2015 17:32

I actually think the opposite to City although some very good points! I would personally find out the sex as soon as you can so you have time to get used to it. As you know now, you will love the baby no matter what, it will be fine! And of course, you could have a mud-loving, noisy girl or a delicate, glittery boy - there are so many factors that influence who we are and biological sex is just a small part of that.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 01/10/2015 17:32

Honestly you get over it.

I wanted a boy and got a boy for my first pregnancy. I then had three miscarriages on the spot. The last baby I lost just before 12 weeks and we found out it was a little girl. Devastated doesn't really explains feelings.

I am now 21 weeks pregnant with another boy. When I found out I allowed myself a day of sadness. I had convinced myself it was another girl as my symptoms were so similar (I had none with DS1's pregnancy) and also I think I wanted to make up for the girl I lost. This will be my last pregnancy due to age and after my initial sadness I am now totally contented with my lot. All I want is a healthy living baby and yes I will only get to experience being a MIL but some people never get to experience motherhood.

Original poster

charlh929 · 01/10/2015 17:40

I realise I'm lucky either way. I too have had a MC in the past. But I agree that I'd prefer to find out the gender so I can get over/get used to it before the baby's born x

OP posts:

EatSleepWorkRepeat · 01/10/2015 17:42

Blimey you've got a 5 month old and you're 14 weeks pregnant already? Did you plan such a small gap/ did you go into this praying you could get your girl asap? If so, it sounds as if it could be more than the usual gender preference, and maybe you'd benefit from a bit of counselling to help you come to terms with your DS (and any future DSs). Good luck

Mehitabel6 · 01/10/2015 17:42

You are stereotyping what you expect from a girl. It is highly likely she wouldn't match up if she was a girl.
Generally people want pretty dresses, someone to shop with and a best friend for life whereas experience should tell you that many girls won't wear your choice past about 5 yrs, hate shopping, especially with their mother, and turn out to be a real 'daddy's girl'!
Don't have preconceived ideas and then you won't be disappointed. It must be very hard to be a girl with a mother who has expectations of what you will be like.
A baby is a gift- not one where you say 'I know that but I got the wrong sort'!
I think it is wonderful that you get no choice.

Mehitabel6 · 01/10/2015 17:43

Mothers of girls are MIL too! Maybe they get a son-in-law who doesn't want them around much!

Original poster

charlh929 · 01/10/2015 17:47

This pregnancy was not planned- at all. I was initially going to have an abortion but couldn't go through with it once I got there (& yes we used protection). & yes, realise that some girls aren't girly I wasn't as a child and was quite the tomboy, I was always surrounded by boys, playing in mud, hated dresses and shopping. I don't think it helps that my brother isn't close to my mum at all, yet he is extremely close to my dad.

OP posts:

CityDweller · 01/10/2015 17:57

But my DH was closer to his mum and his sister was closer to their dad. These things cannot be predicted. It's much more to do with personality and interests than biological sex!

And yes to girls (and indeed boys) not ending up like the stereotype. I tried valiantly to be gender-neutral with DD's clothes (2.5 years old), but she has insisted, from the age of about 18 months, on only wearing dresses and tights (regardless of the weather). I wear a dress about three times a year. Go figure. But she also loves climbing trees, wearing fairy wings and a crown and 'being a fairy princess', and Thomas the Tank Engine. I have neither particularly encouraged nor discouraged her tastes - it's just who she is.

CityDweller · 01/10/2015 17:59

And one other thought - you're pregnant and you have a five month old! Your hormones must be all over the place and you must be absolutely knackered. Not to downplay your feelings, but I wouldn't read too much into anything at the moment!

Mehitabel6 · 01/10/2015 18:01

Personality is the important thing. Judging a girl to be close to her mother because they are both female is silly.

mellowyellow1 · 01/10/2015 18:07

Agree Mehitabel my mum had 2 boys before me and always put such pressure on me to be a "girly girl". I hated dresses and still get on better with my Dad!

Original poster

charlh929 · 01/10/2015 18:10

FYI, I love my little boy. I wouldn't change him, he's literally my world and he lights it up everyday. Especially now his personality is starting to come through. & yes, im aware that you shouldn't stereotype boys/girls- If my boy prefers girl toys that's fine, and if I had a girl if she didn't want to wear dresses id never force her to. & again, I'm aware that everyone's relationships are different I have female friends who have no contact with their mums and my partner who adores his mum and would do anything for her. I'm just worried that because I experienced these feelings with my last pregnancy, they might return, which worries me. Either way, I know I'm blessed.

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 01/10/2015 19:09

Just hang onto that thought, charlh929.
The odds are 50/50 so tell yourself it is a boy, you won't be disappointed then and if you get a girl it will be a happy surprise!

Original poster

charlh929 · 01/10/2015 19:16

Thank you! I will! I know when the baby is in my arms nothing else will matter.

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 01/10/2015 19:28

I have 3 adult sons and am still close. The rhyme about being a son until he gets a wife is rubbish and should be dead and buried! The plus point is that once you get to the girlfriend and wife stage you get female company and friendship anyway.
You get the negative on MN where people hate MIL , although some people always come along and say they get on better with MIL than their mother. They also seem to overlook the fact that the gene pool may mean they produce a mini MIL! (I am very like my paternal grandmother)
Personality is important- that is what makes for a good relationship.

Mehitabel6 · 01/10/2015 19:30

Hope all goes well for you- don't over think it.

Miffyonline · 01/10/2015 20:17

Very naive to convince yourself you're having a girl before the gender scan. I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment. I can't help it but, after a miscarriage, it makes me angry if people feel that strongly about a certain sex. Is a healthy baby not enough? Also, how would you feel if your mum told you she never wanted a girl?

Original poster

charlh929 · 01/10/2015 21:14

With my last baby I never convinced myself, I just had a gut feeling I was having a girl. If anything I tried to prepare myself more for the opposite. & as I said in my precious post I've suffered a miscarriage myself (1st pregnancy) So I understand that a healthy baby should be all that matters. Sometimes we can't control our thoughts.

OP posts:

Original poster

charlh929 · 01/10/2015 21:19

And again, I'll state that I wouldn't change my son. He's amazing. I'm trying to PREVENT these feelings from re-surfacing during this pregnancy. It's not something I admit easily and no one knows anything about these feelings I had, because of be worried about people thinking I was an awful person. Believe me these thoughts have crossed my mind, and like I said it's not an easy thing to admit to! I'm deeply embarrassed and ashamed, especially after losing a baby myself, hence why I don't want these feelings to resurface again.

OP posts:

M4blues · 01/10/2015 21:33

I have 3 boys and a baby girl. I have just about come to terms with the fact that she's a she. It really floored me but like you with your son, I love her completely. I just felt that boys are what I do and what on earth would I do with a daughter.

I did find out for def at 11wks though as we had the harmony blood test so had most of the preg to get used to it. Maybe consider that and then you'll know for sure.

DimpleHands · 02/10/2015 05:31

Tell you what, pop over to the Special Needs Children board on Mumsnet and then tell me how disappointed you will be if you have a healthy boy.

I really think you need to have a word with yourself.

Stercusaccidit911 · 02/10/2015 07:03

I have to agree with DimpleHands. Maybe that would give you some perspective OP.

As a mum of 2 amazing boys (aren't they all!) and one little one in utero it saddens me that boys can come with some disapointment!! I don't understand it nor want to.

DimpleHands · 02/10/2015 07:15

I realise my post was a bit blunt (I am grumpy as I woke up at 4:30am!) but sometimes it really does help to take a step back and get some perspective on these things...

Bombaybunty · 02/10/2015 07:21

As someone who had multiple miscarriages and only managed one live birth, a gorgeous baby boy, I'm horrified by your post.

Why the obsession with having a girl?

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