gender disappointment?

[charlh929]

Please don't judge me on this, I already feel ashamed and embarrassed about what I'm about to admit (also no nasty comments please as it'll make me feel worse) ... Okay, basically I am now 14 weeks pregnant with my second baby & I am worried about experiencing gender disappointment. With my first baby, I was convinced I was having a girl, I had a gut feeling,I'd refer to the baby as she, looked at all the little girls clothing and Imagined myself playing with princess dolls etc. I had terrible sickness (all day until around 5months) my bump was high and i had sweet cravings (I know these things don't automatically predict a girl but it's thought its more likely). Also everyone around me was convinced I was having a girl, then at my 16 week gender scan I was genuinely gobsmacked when the scanning lady said 'I can definitely tell its a boy' within a minute or so of being in the room. I'm ashamed to admit this but i actually came out crying, I just couldn't picture myself with a boy but I hated myself for resenting the baby for not being a girl and for not being happy that I had a healthy, happy baby. After the gender scan (which a couple of people knew about) I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone the sex of the baby, I didn't want to admit it was true and I was constantly googling stories about women who are told they are having a boy but they end up having a girl. Anyway, at the 20 week scan it was confirmed we were having a boy. I still didn't tell anyone the sex until over 6 months pregnant. I was really disinterested in the pregnancy after that point. Until delivery day, after hours in labour the instant they put my baby boy in my arms I fell in love, he was mine and he was perfect. He is 5 months now and everytime he smiles at me he melts my heart, don't get me wrong I wouldn't change him for the world he's beautiful, but is be lying if i said I wasn't hoping for a girl this time around. Even though I love my boy, whenever I'm shopping I'm instantly attracted to girls things and I wish I could buy them. A boy and a girl would be perfect. This could be my last child so I'm worried about experiencing the same thing again. I've always longed for a girl and it doesn't help that my Sister in law is pregnant with her first girl and my other sister in law is pregnant again (she already has a girl and two boys). I've had a couple of scans but I can't tell anything by the nub. I'm desperate to know, just so I can accept it. This pregnancy has been completely different from my first, I have no appetite and suffer from nausea but haven't been sick at all they couldn't be more different. But deep down and based on the scan pictures I've seen I think this ones a boy too (maybe I'm just mentally preparing myself, who knows?). I've already semi prepared myself that this baby's a boy. I'd just really love a girl as on my side of the family apart from me, there aren't any girls. I've always been around boys.

Sorry for the essay, I just needed to get this off my chest

Agree with dimple hands. I've had 3 mcs and have one DS. I truly don't understand gender preference. But I know others on MN do understand so I hope you find the support you need.

Honestly though, pretty pink princesses? Fluffy pink dresses? Really? Just buy a Barbie.

If I were you, I'd get a scan. Help you prepare mentally if it's another boy. Or let you enjoy the pregnancy if it's a girl without worrying about gender for months.

You feel how you feel and can't help it. It's fairly common too.
Think of your ds now and how much he's going to love a sibling close in age to him.
My Dc1 and dc2 are both boys and they are so close and have so much fun together and are lovely boys.
I also think you should find out and prepare yourself for it.
I have a friend who was in a similar situation, she didn't find out the sex and was so disappointed and cried when ds2 was given to her. Obviously she got over herself and her two boys are her world.
I think it's better to find out and deal with any gender disappointment beforehand if you can and need to.

I reckon gender disappointment is a lot more common than people care to admit!
I was convinced that I was having a boy....20 week scan arrives, and I said to DH "but what if it's a girl and I'm disappointed?" - Lo and behold baby was a girl. The disappointment I expected arrived for a split second, but then I saw her wiggling around on the screen and I completely disregarded the gender and thanked my lucky stars that I had a healthy baby.
Admitting that you're disappointed doesn't make you a bad person, or a bad mum. Just most people don't admit feeling it because they are worried about being perceived that way

Again, like I've said before I didn't have to admit this and neither did I want to. I get what some people are saying but some posts just make me feel worse (btw I know it's just people's opinion and I'm not belittling that in any way). Again, for what feels like the 1000th time I adore my little boy, I'm truly grateful to have him, and yes I know how difficult it is to lose a child you're carrying. I've been through that too. I also have a relative who's 7 who has an illness (I won't specify, since it not relevant but she's had it since birth) who's truly a remarkable human being and who I love dearly. So yes, I do know how lucky I am. However, I also know it's difficult to control your own thoughts, I didn't chose or want to feel like this. Who would? Also, just a side note, I've suffered from an eating disorder and self harm in the past which I've never really got over and I'm not going to go into details but let's just say I've felt the need to punish myself so to speak over the way I was with my son.

Your feelings can't be helped, you don't need to justify them to anyone. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy and new baby. Go easy on yourself

I can relate to this, but almost in reverse..

During my first pregnancy in 2003, I'd convinced myself that I was going to have a boy before I'd even gone for my first scan! I think sometimes it definitely stems from childhood when you discuss "future baby names" and imagine your own ideal, perfect 'mother-child' scenario when you're much younger and talking about it only theoretically. I know my friends and I used to do that a lot

I, personally, had always had my heart set on having a little boy but alas, it was quickly discovered that I wasn't only having one girl...but two!
I can't say that I was disappointed for long but it was definitely there and I remember feeling a little bitter about the fact that I was having twins and neither were male.

However! My overall opinion on gender disappointment is that it's extremely temporary and extremely artificial. As I'm sure you're well aware, nothing can take away from the love and excitement of first meeting your child and holding them in your arms. It's overwhelming in the best way ! And, my girls - Brielle and Felicity - have just started high school this year & the only people in the world I love equally are my other two children - Sebastian (6) and Fleur (1)!

Perhaps allow yourself to get disappointed? I personally think it's not that big of a deal that you're hoping for a girl and I do think most, if not all, mothers do have an inkling of hope that their baby will be either one or the other before they find out their child's sex. It's natural and can be a little exciting to guess or even make a game of it and place bets with silly prizes for those who guess right!

I wish you all the best with your pregnancy & I hope that no matter what your beautiful baby's sex may be, that they're healthy, happy & ready to keep you up throughout the night

No one wants to be disappointed with their babies gender, but it happens. You can't choose these feelings and they often have no rational reasoning behind them. I was a little disappointed when I found out dc2 was a boy. My pregnancy was identical to dds so I assumed he was another girl. I actually went into my scan thinking I would be disappointed when I was told I was having another girl. But hearing I was having a son was so confusing. I was very happy at first, but later became disappointed. I think because me and my sister got on so well as children I felt guilty I couldn't give dd that same experience.

Stupidly I hate my sister now as she is an utterly vile person towards me, so my feelings don't really make sense. I'm over it now, I think it was the fact the future I expected to have was suddenly different. But obviously children and most of the world don't follow my 5 year plan, so better to get over that fact now rather than later. Do you think that it could be simular feelings in your case?

If so I think it's something everyone experiences in different ways throughout their life. But the fact you're pregnant makes it feel much bigger than it is. For now try and accept you don't get a say and keep an open mind about your future and enjoy your pregnancy.

I think you need to start telling yourself that you are having a boy. Just remember that when you do have the scan to confirm the gender it could still be wrong.

I have never personally understood the burning desire to have a certain sex (but I think this is due to me having an illness and a shitty childhood) but 2 of my friends had gender preference. One of them didn't get her boy and she said that she was initially devastated and that in future she would get a gender scan to prepare herself.

I would say you need to try and stop worrying about it as what the baby sex is has already been determined and stressing during pregnancy is going to add more stress than what is needed. Like you say, you will love DC whatever and that should be your focus!

I don't think people telling you to 'put it in perspective' is in any way helpful!!!
You're not feeling this way deliberately so please don't beat yourself up over it. I know you'd do anything to not feel this way.

I've been there and I don't think making the OP feel guilty because she 'should be grateful for a healthy baby' helps in any way.

Sorry pressed send before I meant to as baby was eating something on floor argh.

I had two miscarriages, struggled to get pregnant after them and thought I was never going to have a child as I had underlying health conditions.
Yet I still deep down wished for a daughter. It wasn't that I didn't want a son, I just desperately wanted a daughter. It wasn't logical and I had no control over it. I didn't dare admit it to anyone in real life as I knew I would be judged because I should just be 'grateful' for a healthy baby, which of course I was.

Turns out I did have a girl but I know I would have loved a little boy just as much. With my second I was sure it was a boy as it was such a different pregnancy. Had a boy's name all picked out and imagined my little boy all the time. Was majorly shocked at the scan when I could see easily she was a girl. I had a pang of sadness that I would never have a son but then excitement about my little girls having sisters etc.

It's not something you can control so judgement is futile. OP has already stated how much she loves her little boy and it's not that she doesn't want another boy but as this is her last child she would be sad if she never had a daughter.

No not all children conform to the gender stereotypes but I think it's silly to pretend there is no difference between boys and girls.

I also imagine OP is still in shock a bit with the unplanned pregnancy and so will be worrying about bonding with an unplanned baby maybe more so than a very planned baby after miscarriage.

OP I hope everything works out for you and you have a happy healthy pregnancy xx

Scatty do you think you would have been judged for a gender preference? I never thought badly of my friends who said they did have a preference neither did I judge my friend who said she was upset when her boy turned out to be a girl. If anything I think it is good to say these things out loud so women stop with the added guilty feeling during such a unique time.

In my early pregnancy I was in so much pain with my medical condition and told my mum I didn't know if I could proceed with the pregnancy. I am now 17 weeks pregnant and so much in love with this baby. I don't think that having the issues in early pregnancy makes me a bad person or a bad mum and I don't see what having a gender preference is any different!

I think certain people in RL would have judged me yes. And from the replies on here I would definitely have been judged on here.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Hope you're feeling better now x

Judging people should be saved for the court room!

I'm still in pain but the 12 week scan and 16 week heartbeat made it more real so I no longer wonder if it is worth it. Steroid injection (although wearing off) is also helping loads

I agree. It's not as black and white as people make out.
Glad you're feeling a bit better. Sounds rough though. Pregnancy is hard enough on your body without added pain.
X

Yes, as previous posters have said it's not a nice feeling to admit to. I couldn't control my thoughts at the time & as I've said, nobody knew how I was feeling because I pushed them to the back of my mind. But they were always there. To be honest I think that this was one of the worst things to do. I should have confided in someone in order to overcome these feelings earlier and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. I also think a lot of people do have a preference deep down or they can imagine themselves with a particular sex, I think it's a fairly normal occurrence. My baby was delivered naturally, however a couple of minutes before delivery my waters broke and there was meconium staining. After delivery he was whisked off and given oxygen, he didn't cry or make any noise at all & at that point I didn't care if DS was an alien, I just wanted him to be okay and in my arms. Needless to say, when he was later handed to me the rush of love I had for him was indescribable, he was okay and nothing else mattered. On the other hand, I think it's perfectly normal for some individuals to have a preference of the sex of their baby during pregnancy.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have a fifth child as having 3 boys followed by 1 girl makes everyone assume we kept going to get a girl and I hated hearing everyone day 'awe a girl at last. How wonderful for you!'

The thing is, clearly in RL people expect everyone to want a mixture of both yet on MN you are scolded for expressing such a feeling. It doesn't make sense. Op, if I was you I'd either have the Harmony test or book a scan ASAP. Good luck

I'm afraid I agree with other posters when I say I'm shocked, but I also appreciate these are your feelings and no one elses.

I've had 3 miscarriages with no live births so far. I'm now 22 weeks pregnant on attempt number 4 and I am shocked at the number of people who don't believe me when I say I don't have a preference. At all.

I've lost 3 babies - I couldn't care less about boy or girl. I will incredibly grateful to have a healthy baby

But the number of people who disregard me and say but "you must have a preference, everyone does"

Yes I do. A healthy baby in my arms

Idiots - because the are trying to force their view on to me

OP - you feel how you feel - but I understand all too well how the other posters feel as well

I would never personally judge someone for experiencing gender disappointment.
I was convinced I was having a girl, no real reason why, but I was thrilled to find out he was a boy at 16 weeks so I've not experienced any disappointment myself, but I can understand why people may feel a little disappointed at the thought of never having a son, or never having a daughter.

I think it's clear from your posts you're not being ungrateful and you love your son as much as you would if he had actually been a girl.
These feelings of disappointment may reoccur if you find out your baby is a boy, but if you remember how you felt when your son was born you'll know that these feelings will go away. It must take a lot to admit to being disappointed as he or she is still your child, but I think admitting your feelings may help you get over them in some ways.

I do understand other people may be shocked that you have a preference when a lot of people try so hard to have a healthy child regardless of gender but as others have said you can't help how you feel.

All children are blessings whether they are boys or girls, congratulations on your pregnancy! Try not to worry, as long as he/she is healthy that is all that will matter when they're born

Hey OP, I hope you have found some of the replies on this thread helpful. There are entire websites and forums dedicated to this subject so they are definitely very normal feelings to have. Some people are doing some really extreme stuff (like centrifuging their husband's sperm at home!!) to try and sway for a certain gender.

Anyway, feelings are feelings and there is no point denying their existence or being told you shouldn't feel them because of what other people have gone through (or yourself indeed).

I have been fascinated with all my pregnancies how much I have thought about the gender of my babies. Because my baseline rational self really thinks it makes no difference at all. Maybe it would help you to gently challenge your thoughts because you sound like you know that fundamentally the gender of your child will tell you very little about your future relationship with them. The right one for your family will be cooking inside, boy or girl.

I have also thought that all the positive / negative feelings I might associate with a certain gender - e.g. a girl might be closer to me as they get older (as I said I don't think these are rational before anyone shoots me down) are all about me and what I will "get out" of parenting. Actually, parenting has to be the most selfless job in the world doesn't it? You give your energies and your heart to these little ones but actually your job is to help them grow into independent people away from you. I suspect the less you make your parenting about you and what you want your kids to give you in life, and the more you make it about what you can give them as they start their lives, the better relationship you end up with, boy or girl.

All the best OP.