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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Can’t agree on finding out gender

40 replies

rubybloom2 · 23/09/2015 11:02

My 20-week anomaly scan is on Friday, and DH and I can’t agree on finding out the gender. I want to, he adamantly doesn’t. I know I can always get the sonographer to just tell me, but I know I would give it away, even unintentionally.

Has anyone else disagreed with their partner on this? It’s infuriating.

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Sighing · 23/09/2015 11:47

I would rather not know (based on my 2 daughters where I didn't find out with 1st, couldn't help but know with DD2). I also know that people will start with the 'bet you hope it's a boy' / is it a boy? stuff .
DH wants to know. It's his first. I kind of want to have him have all the experiences he wants. Not long to go. Still to decide.

pickleandflux · 23/09/2015 12:02

I wanted to know but hubby didn't. Now I'm glad it's a surprise - I'm not keen on pink for girls/blue for boys, and this way we can start off with nice neutral things and avoid grandparents buying tons of pink/blue!

TenForward82 · 23/09/2015 12:03

I was in a similar situation. My DH's default position was "don't find out", which I found absurd. I also had bonding issues and felt knowing the gender would help, and it has, but I had to give him about 5 or 6 reasons for why I wanted to find out, and it still wasn't really good enough in his eyes! Thankfully he was happy to find out if it made me happier so we did reach a (slightly reluctant) compromise.

I'm afraid I take a very firm view on this - I'm the one carrying the baby, so I think my feelings take priority. It doesn't help that I just really don't understand why people would want it to be a "surprise". Sorry, I just don't get it.

sizethree · 23/09/2015 12:17

It's a hugely personal decision and it must be difficult when each of you are split with wanting / not wanting to know.
We've decided to wait to the birth to find out.
tenforward, you're right yours is a very strong view, but each to their own.
Although I've chosen to keep it a surprise, I do understand the practicality of finding out the sex prior to birth, especially if it will positively affect bonding.
My reasoning for my decision is that I feel it'd be like opening Christmas presents early. It's a modern privilege to have the option to find out and I'm a bit old fashioned as very much see ultrasound scans as a medical necessity. Plus, I hope in labour that the anticipation of not knowing will make me push harder!
Very much a personal decision and fully understand other's reasonings.

notaprincessbutaqueen · 23/09/2015 12:20

yep same here. Last time i told dh we were finding out. he didn't have a choice but i know he didn't want to know. so i promised if we ever have another we can keep it a surprise. didn't think at the time there ever would be another but here we are, 28 weeks with a yellow bump. yes its annoying, i'd love to know and have been trying out every old wives tales to guess (the hb this morning was 142 so girl right??) but I will find out soon enough. and i guess its kept the spending down by only buying white. but i have been joking that I will be doing some online next-day delivery shopping whilst still in hospital awaiting discharge

Every1KnowsJeffHesUsuallyACunt · 23/09/2015 12:20

I didn't find out with my third because ex didn't want to. He insisted. I wish I'd fought him on it.

The situation I found myself in won't happen to you but ex left me just after we didn't find out and I had real trouble bonding with the baby and even really acknowledging the pregnancy too much. It was all a knee jerk reaction from his horrible behaviour but I think if I'd known what she was I'd have found it easier in some way. I found it hard buying all neutral everything, I felt like I couldn't find names for her because I didn't know. It was nearly 20 weeks of feeling low and then feeling guilt about my feelings.

Totally different story when she was born mind you. I adored her the second she was in my arms.

Newlywed123 · 23/09/2015 12:22

I had my 20 week scan this morning, we didn't find out and honestly it felt fantastic!

I'm so glad I haven't it's got me so much more excited and motivated

Red193 · 23/09/2015 12:39

I don't want to know DH does. I told him tough titties he will have to wait but now we have been given a scan date of 2 days before his birthday so part of me thinks it would be a nice for him to find out for his birthday. Completely torn about what to do as I really don't want to know!

PerfectlyPosed · 23/09/2015 12:41

I didn't find out with mine and won't with the next one either. It was so nice having that surprise at the end. You don't get enough surprises in life. I also had quite a long labour and each midwife placed a little bet as to what I was having. I think not knowing also gave me the motivation to push at the end as I was now so desperate to know!

Brummiegirl15 · 23/09/2015 12:41

I found out last week and whilst I'm really excited and love knowing that I'm carrying my daughter - part of me feels like I've opened my Christmas presents early and I'm a bit wistful and part of me wishes I'd waited.

I agree there are very few genuine surprises in life and it's natures biggest surprise. It was my impatience that made me find out, I absolutely admit that!!!

PerfectlyPosed · 23/09/2015 12:42

To add to that my DP had really wanted to find out and I managed to talk him round. He now wouldn't have it any other way.

newbian · 23/09/2015 13:00

I think it should be your choice, not his. Everything else is just a debate about whether it's "best" to know or not to know. That's personal and there's no right answer.

Newlywed123 · 23/09/2015 13:05

My Sonographer was relieved we didn't want to find out. She said 'that's one less thing to do'.

sepa · 23/09/2015 13:08

I think unless you have strong reasoning for wanting to find out the sex I think you should let it be a surprise for DH. On the flip side to what another has said, I think that on this the father should get the decision as we get to have the other bits (some not so pleasant I agree) but we get to feel the baby moving all the time and are bonding with the baby all the time. Men miss out on so much so they should have some say into the pregnancy.

TenForward82 · 23/09/2015 13:28

My Sonographer was relieved we didn't want to find out. She said 'that's one less thing to do'.

Oh, sorry, love, am I busying up your day with my inconvenient pregnancy?

hotcrossbun83 · 23/09/2015 13:31

I think unless you both want to know, the default should be not finding out. I don't agree that it's the mothers choice - this isn't a decision that has any implications on your body or health, it's finding out information

strawberrypenguin · 23/09/2015 13:33

If you can't agree then the 'not' vote wins I'm afraid

Original poster

rubybloom2 · 23/09/2015 13:49

Great to hear everyones views. As it stands, we're not finding out, but I'm not happy about it at all.

Every part of me is convinced it's a girl and I can't get this out of my head, so I'd just like to know, although obviously I would be delighted either way.

I was the child who hunted down the hidden Christmas presents, unwrapped them and wrapped them back up again, so clearly I have patience issues!

OP posts:

channingswife · 23/09/2015 14:12

Rubybloom, I'm the same. Husband is set on us not finding out the sex of this baby and I desperately want to know. I get anxious when I think about it.

I won't win this battle, he didn't want to find out with dc1 or 2 but we did because I wanted to. This is more than likely our last and so I do want h to have his experience.

I also think that once the baby is born and we the best surprise ever, I know I will be happy we made the decision not to find out!

PM me if you want to talk, I feel the same as you!!

Dogsmom · 23/09/2015 14:14

I never understand the "ruining a surprise" theory, it's exactly the same surprise whether it's at 20 or 40 weeks.
We found out with both of ours and I wouldn't do it any other way, the first time I had preference for a girl which I know is unpopular on here but it's not something chose to feel or enjoyed feeling, I'd read on many forums about people being a bit disappointed at the birth and I wanted time to get my head around it, turns out she was girl though.
I also like being organised and have no issues with pink or blue, I actually like dresses on girls and dungarees on boys etc and didn't want a bland cream nursery filled with cream clothes.
I really enjoyed shopping for her and decorating her room while I was still physically not too fat and exhausted and it was lovely to be able to just come home with her and not have to think about having to shop to get anything I'd had to wait for.

Bonding wise it also made a difference, I felt like I knew her once she was no longer an 'it', we chose her name and called her by it when we talked about her.

We did exactly the same with our 2nd daughter and again it was lovely to know.

ZZZZ1111 · 23/09/2015 18:30

sepa I felt the same way as you about this being something that my husband could get the final say on and share in. I was actually keener for it to be a surprise, but my husband wanted to find out so I went with that.

I can't imagine how you will manage the scan if you ask the sonographer to tell you the sex, without your husband's consent? Is it worth causing upset between the two of you? You could always ask the sonographer to write it down for you, to be opened by the pair of you at a later date it he changes his mind?

Junosmum · 23/09/2015 19:06

We'd decided not to find out, I'm pleased we agreed and very excited about the surprise awaiting us. As it turned out our hospital doesn't tell you! We did get a great between the legs shot when they were measuring the femur though, so we could draw our own conclusions, it was just the way baby was positioned. So if we'd wanted to know we'd have to had a private scan which I'm not prepared to pay for, much more necessary things to pay for!

I think if the sonographer can tell easily then it's fine but it's an anomaly scan, it's not done just so parents can see the baby.

I'm not having any difficulty bonding.

sepa · 23/09/2015 19:10

Just because you find out the sex doesn't mean it will correct. My cousin was 'definitely having a boy' who is a little Pheoby. She gave away all her girl clothes and got boy clothes. Clothes couldn't be taken back as they had been washed so girl ones had to then be bought at an avoidable expense

sizethree · 23/09/2015 19:30

I don't really understand the need to have newborn' boy' or 'girl' clothes and the comments about not wanting to worry about an online shop in the early days.
The baby is a baby. What's wrong with white clothes on a newborn?

MissTwister · 23/09/2015 20:53

tenforward82 it's not necessarily about wanting a surprise I just didn't feel the need to know. My baby was my baby and I loved it whether it was a boy or a girl so why did I need to know what sex it was? It wouldn't change anything. I also felt I wanted to get to know them as a whole person when they arrived without preconceived ideas.

And I'm really not sure I understand why not knowing the sex would mean a bland cream nursery and clothes. My baby turned out to be a girl as it happened and she wears yellow and red and green and pink and blue and white - just like she would have done if she were a boy.

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