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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Feeling worried about small age gap

34 replies

Idoitforthelove · 08/09/2015 14:21

First of all, I know I sound like an ungrateful cow and I realise that some couples would kill to be in my position. I'm mum to a beautiful one year old and have just found out that I'm expecting my second.
My daughter was a planned pregnancy and I have never been happier than when I found out i was pregnant the first time. I've loved every moment I've spent with her this year.
This baby wasn't planned and I already feel like a bad mother, because I'm just not excited. All I can think of is that I don't know how I'm going to cope with two babies under the age of two (my husband's away a lot) and I'm terrified that I won't love this baby as much as I love my daughter. How can I ever love ANYONE as much as I love her?
I know that babies are a blessing and I LOVE being a mum so I know I should be happy and feeling grateful, but It just makes me feel worse when I think about how I should be feeling. This poor little baby being born to a mum who feels like this about them.
I also feel really sad, because I don't want anything to change. I feel as though we've made another baby and it's going to change my little girl's world. I'm already struggling with sickness and feeling tired - I'm already not as good a mum to her as I was a week ago, and that's just going to get worse.
Can anyone reassure me that a 21 month gap is manageable and that ive not ruined everything.
I just feel so sad and the sadder I feel, the more worried I feel about the fact that I'm feeling sad and not happy!

OP posts:

ampersandand · 08/09/2015 14:28

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with a 1 year old. Planned first and unplanned second.

I get days of being overwhelmed with anxiety about it and others when I'm excited.

What helps me is talking to others who have been in the same position and I've generally only heard positivity about the small age gap.

You are not alone!

Wisteria1979 · 08/09/2015 14:28

Congratulations! It's feeling overwhealming right now but you will manage just fine. I have a 16 month age gap and it took a couple of months to get into a routine where you learn to juggle baby and toddler need. But it's lovely to watch them starting to play together now, and really enjoy each others company (at 1 and just over 2). You are also probably feeling exhausted and tired in early pregnancy, I felt rubbish and sick and really struggle to run after my very active toddler when I was pregnant. I do most things on my own in the week and you just learn to work with it.

Original poster

Idoitforthelove · 08/09/2015 14:31

Thank you so much for replying. That's so good to hear.
It'll be fine, won't it?!
I feel so bad that, from the moment of conception, my daughter was desperately wanted and this baby won't have that.
I think I just need to get a grip.

OP posts:

sepa · 08/09/2015 14:35

My OH loved the year age gap between him and his brother growing up. His parents went on to have 2 more also with a small gap so I think they equally enjoyed the age gap.

My nephew loved it when his baby cousin came along when he was one. I'm sure your little girl will be so besotted by her younger sibling that she won't notice that you are having to split your time between the 2

Wisteria1979 · 08/09/2015 14:45

Give yourself a bit of time. The new one will be desperately wanted too once you get over the shock :)
You will be amazed how different they can be as individuals, and how you will get excited in a different way by their "firsts".
And you will be a more confident parent second time around, you learn to trust your instincts more I think.

yolorolo · 08/09/2015 14:53

Congratulations! There will be an 12 month gap between ours when this one is born end of Oct. It was planned but both my dh and I think what on earth were we thinking???? He works away all week but is very hands-on when home. I'm thinking the next few years will be chaos but I'll let you know. I think it's fine to feel overwhelmed by the prospect but you will manage. Good luck!

Original poster

Idoitforthelove · 08/09/2015 18:30

Thank you everyone, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one that feels a bit overwhelmed by it. I keep thinking that as soon as I hear a heartbeat /feel a kick etc it'll sink in and help me relax. Fingers crossed. At the moment im just sick and exhausted!

OP posts:

FizzlePops · 08/09/2015 19:12

I feel exactly the same OP and this was planned.
As the weeks go by the negative feelings are getting less. I'm still having panicky moments but people say its easier to go from 1-2 than it is 0-1 and I managed that OK.
You're definitely not alone.

MummyBex1985 · 08/09/2015 19:26

I know a woman who had an 8 month age gap! She fell PG very quickly and then delivered her second at 30 weeks PG.

She loves every minute after the initial shock!

purplemunkey · 08/09/2015 19:36

Being a FTM to a 10m old I can imagine feeling overwhelmed but as one of three DC - with 15m between me and my older brother and 23m between me and my younger brother - I can say that I love how close we are in age. All my childhood memories involve the three of us enjoying stuff together and me and my older brother are particularly close in adulthood.

Must have been extremely hard work for my mum being at home with the three of us when we were so small but I'd hope she reaped the rewards once she saw us all become close siblings who could happily entertain each other!

Congratulations

Original poster

Idoitforthelove · 08/09/2015 19:51

That's lovely, thank you!

OP posts:

PeppaPigStinks · 08/09/2015 19:54

I had 24 months. It's lovely. Now I wish I had that gap for a third. If I have one now it's a three yet gap and that just feels so much worse than 2 years!

PurpleSkyatthewateringhole · 08/09/2015 19:58

Congratulations. Seems ages ago I had 2 under 2. Whilst both were planned I did wonder if I could love another baby as much as Ds. I had to work hard at bonding with dd, even at 12 months old. But it was worth it. I adore dd and have a daughter who adores me back. It's fantastic now because the bond the DC have is unbelievable. I'm getting to the point where they play so well I'm not actually wanted/needed anymore.

SummerSazz · 08/09/2015 19:59

We have 21 months which was planned. Dc are only one school year apart which is great logistically and have the same shared interests. Sure it blows up at times but generally they are fab playmates.
Also all the baby paraphernalia needs no storage and clothes go straight from one wardrobe to the other

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 08/09/2015 20:00

I have a 22 month old and a 9 week old so a 20 month gap. I could have written your post word for word 11 months ago. I was so upset at the thought that I was ruining DD1's life, and things would never be the same again. Not going to lie, it's been pretty tough going so far but DD1 absolutely adores DD2 and seeing them start to interact already is amazing. I can't wait for them to be able to play together properly. At 9 weeks things are starting to settle down and feel easier.
Congratulations!

OublietteBravo · 08/09/2015 20:03

Congratulations! I remember feeling a bit like that when I found out I was expecting DS. In particular I felt sorry for DD having to deal with a baby.

I needn't have worried! There is a 19 month age gap and it has worked brilliantly. They are now 11 & 9 and really close. It was hard work at the beginning, but has definitely been worth it. I love the small age gap - I think it has turned out to be a blessing.

PurpleSkyatthewateringhole · 08/09/2015 20:06

Oh, just to add, DH works away from home mon-fri and often catches up on paperwork at the weekends. I worked f/t for 12 months after returning from maternity too. Anything is doable, you just need to be flexible. Bedtime routines were exchanged for co sleeping, I read them to sleep then sat and read lit reviews or wrote reports/statistics.

ShooBeeDooBeeDoo · 08/09/2015 20:11

I have a 12 month age gap between my two. I was very anxious before ds2 was born. The first year was hard but it was a breeze after that.

They are 9 and 10, best friends and an absolute delight.

I wouldn't change a thing.

AmyLouKin · 08/09/2015 20:14

My sister has a 4 1/2 yr old and a 2 1/2 yr old! Her second was also a complete accident! She worried too, as she wasn't planning another, or at least not for a few more yrs! The eldest was initially a little grumpy for a day or so when they brought the new baby home but soon decided he loved his new sister and was forever giving her cuddles, still does! It's very sweet. My sister was more relaxed with the second as she had done it all before, rather than worrying like she did with the first! She loves them both and they are a lovely family. Her OH is wonderful and supportive. I hope you have equally supportive people around you OP. I'm sure your DD will love being a big sister! Xx

PacificDogwood · 08/09/2015 20:17

Of course it will be fine

12 month age gap here too - hard work for sure, but now they are BBF aged 12 and 11.

I went on to have a 4 year and a 2 year age gap and, tbh, IME there is not 'perfect' gap. They are all different personalities and there were different challenges.
I had not planned the very short gap and I would not chose it if I had to do it all again, but it was fine.

Good luck

CosmicDespot · 08/09/2015 20:23

I have a 19 month gap between my dc. I had awful guilt about leaving my dc1 for a few nights when I got admitted for high blood pressure at 33 weeks with dc2, and then again when I was admitted to give birth.

It was something of a nappy-fest for a while, but I agree with pp that going from 1 to 2 is much easier than going from 0 to 1! Mine are 6.2 and 4.7 now, and are lovely together. I wouldn't change their age gap for the world. Congratulations!

drinkscabinet · 08/09/2015 20:36

We have an 18 month gap between DD1 (now 7) and DD2 (now 6). Personally I think the small gap is better (there's a 3 year gap between DD2 and DS). We did plan the small gap which probably made a difference to how I felt when we found out I was pregnant. TBH the worst stage was being pregnant, it was exhausting with such a small baby but as soon as she was born it was fabulous. I had a very easy birth (I was in hospital less than 12 hours in total) and she was a very easy baby who just slotted into our family very easily and DD1 adored her. A small gap (and I don't think 21 months is that small, it's getting towards the standard 2 years) is much easier to navigate than the 3 year gap we have between DD2 and DS. The DDs are always at the same stage and like the same things and poor DS is trailing behind them. There's some competition between the girls that might be easier to avoid with a bigger gap but generally they get on really well.

My nieces are only 15 months apart and have a great relationship - they are now teenagers.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 08/09/2015 21:21

I'll have a 13 month age gap this October! Planned but a surprise as it took a while to conceive DC1 and had assumed it'd be the same or longer.
You'll get a lot of people pointing out the negatives during pregnancy. Well that's what I've found but my gap is smaller.
I'm hoping like others have said that it'll pay off when they can play together, similar days out etc, and we'll get all the sleepless nights, nappies, etc over in one go. I think getting my life back to normal then having another would be harder for me personally.
I've found the pregnancy a lot harder too - no time for resting and a lot of chasing after DC1
Congratulations!

travertine · 08/09/2015 21:29

I have a 14 month gap, could have been 12 but wasn't to be. We planned it, was hard work. Just personally speaking very hard at first. But then they entertained each other which was great for me (not going to lie I am not good with small people) a lot further down the line now (17&18) best thing I ever did. Education and social stuff was all at the same stage. Bloody hard work and the love you feel for the first will be there just as much for the second. Congratulations.

Sighing · 09/09/2015 05:06

I planned a 22 month gap and my (now ex) husband left around the time of DD2's birth. It was one push through the baby stuff. But so worth it. It felt a very baby 3/ 4 years but I felt a bit sad at the end of the nappies (I have sincec:remarried and apparently it might not have been, but that's a different story). The two girls do bicker but they also are there for each other, they get on well and as a toddler my eldest was a source of fascination to my baby and vice versa, it made SOME things easier than a baby on their own.
On the other hand I was often in bed when they were and the house standards took about a year to get to a level I was more comfortable with.
As for the love. It's amazingly soppy that the more you fall for the first one again in a whole new way AND the second one becomes a huge part of you.
I had to look again at my amazing eldest when I brought dd2 home. It was amazing how large, how "independent" she seemed and that was as amazing as the small tiny bundle I'd made

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