Gender Disappointment

[ChicaMomma]

I feel really awful typing this, the guilt is horrific and i dont quite know what i expect anyone to say!

I'm expecting my second (and last) baby, 17 weeks pregnant today. We have a gorgeous 14 mth old boy who we ADORE. This time i really really wanted a little girl, doesnt every mother want a daughter?

Tried all the tricks- DTD 3 days before ovulation, took calcium and magnesium etc, so when i got the BFP i was SURE it would be a girl, like 99% sure! Had her name picked, everything. Panorama results came back to show... A BOY! I ashamedly cursed on the phone when i got the results.

I feel extra guilt because i have SO many friends who are having difficulties TTC, so i know damn well they'd all kill to be pregnant with their second boy, but all the same i cant shake my disappointment. I'm also afraid that 2 boys so close in age will be stir crazy! How will we cope??!!

Anyhow, as i said, i'm not sure what i'm expecting anyone to say, just looking to put my thoughts down on paper more than anything. I guess i'm a bit worried too that i wont bond with the baby. I hope i will, i'm sure i will, but it's a worry.

[greenfolder]

We have 3 girls. Dh would have loved a son. After dd2 we said that we would wait until we were sure we wanted another child rather than a son. It, combined with other things, meant a delay and eventually a 10 year gap! We didn't find out and dh fell in total love with dd3 before I even got to hold her.

[TenForward82]

cheers

Invalidating someone else's feelings because you don't have experience of it or think it's "important" enough is a nasty thing to do. Miscarriage is awful, but entirely separate from this subject.

[Flutterbutterfly]

Don't feel bad for having a preference. I wanted a girl, got flamed by family for declaring this...we did find out as I wanted to prepare if I had a boy.

We did get a girl, then went on to have a boy. I would have liked two girls...I do adore my little boy, he's so loving and fun. You will get over it. X

[ARV1981]

I'm from a family with three girls, no boys.

When we were growing up mum and dad always said they always had a preference for girls - mum because she said she could relate to girls and dad because he grew up in amongst women, having no real male role models (he was the best dad in the world, btw).

I always thought I'd have a preference for a girl.

Until my amazing nephew was born. I have completely fallen in love with that child! It's opened my eyes up that little boys are bloody wonderful too.

I'm pregnant with my first, and have chosen not to know. It just didn't seem important to me, given that I genuinely don't mind what I have.

I may feel differently if I was having my second, and wanted one of each though so op, I think you're feelings are utterly valid. I think you'll probably get over it though and come to adore your new son once he arrives, and two brothers together is a lovely thing.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling what you're feeling. It's a natural response I think.

[TheVeryThing]

I think it's very hard for those of us who haven't had any preference for a particular gender to understand this issue

Reading these threads sometimes makes me wonder whether I will regret not have a daughter when I'm old and have been abandoned by my sons and have no one to go shopping or on spa days with

Glad to see that this thread has not descended into the awful gender stereotyping we usually see (teenage girls are bitches etc).

OP, you are entitled to your feelings and I'm sure you will love your boy for who he is. My two boys are chalk & cheese and it's wonderful seeing the differences in personality emerge.

[krustofskypud]

I am 16 weeks pregnant with my first and have an extremely strong preference for a boy.

I know it's ridiculous, I know if it's a girl I'll still love her just the same and won't care at all that she's not a boy, but it's just how I feel. You can't help how you feel.

[Focusfocus]

for those that think girls are preferred over boys

I sincerely hope you understand that your observation is as at best valid in certain White, Western societies in today's day and age, and completely invalid in the majority of the world.

In Asia and Africa - which carry the hugest part of global population, a male child is not only a precious treasure to be highly desired, a female child is considered worthy of chest beating howls. I know this because I was a prized female child growing up in an Asian country where female children are regularly (1) aborted in hushed up urban clinics (2) aborted through dangerous and stomach churningly cruel means (3) left to die at garbage dumps (4) sold into sex trade to rid the family of the burden of finding her dowry (5) raped as a punishment for offences like going to the toilet at night or walking down a road

The desire for a male heir has got so Horrifically bad in my country of origin that sex determination in pregnancy has been banned by law and is a criminal offence. But now they have ultrasound scans. All the village quack of a doctor needs to do is to make a sly remark to the dad about how he needs to start saving money for dowry - and voila - a week later the pregnant mum has surprisingly (not) miscarried. In incites? I have had Phd holding urban elite silently mourning the birth of their granddaughter.

I grew up surrounded by that shit. I just wanted to put it out there (for the second time on this thread) that the apparent dis balance in gender desire towards favouring girls- is just that - it's apparent, in the white western world, at best. If we can even generalise. Meanwhile in the rest of the world - dogs are eating female babies at garbage dumps. Here's a UNICEF link.

unicef.in/PressReleases/227/Female-foeticide-in-India

[Focusfocus]

And repeatedly associating the desire for a girl with pink fluff and spa days is patronising shit.

I ken nothing pink, have no patience with spas, or shopping, and my only interest is books. Every time I heard of yet another abandoned female infant died on the streets of my city, my desire to mother a little girl grew just that bit. It's only when I migrated to the west that I even heard of this pink thing.

[slightlyconfused85]

Focus that is just awful. Poor little girls

[TheVeryThing]

Not sure if your post is directed at me focus but I was being sarcastic. The desire to have a daughter to go shopping with has been expressed many times on mumsnet.
I do agree with your points generally, and when I feel defensive on behalf of my boys I remind myself of the horrific circumstances in which millions of girls are living and dying. My boys will be just fine.

[WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere]

Awful, Focus. I would take one of those babies in an instant.

[ARV1981]

Focus, that's awful.

Like you, it makes me want to mother those lost abandoned little girls. I wish I could.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

And repeatedly associating the desire for a girl with pink fluff and spa days is patronising shit.

focus no comment!
Best for everyone to respect the child in them for who he/she is

[scatterthenuns]

I really want a girl too OP. In fact, I want some of each (TTC).

I reconcile my yearning my the knowledge that I know I will love the human that comes out of me regardless.

[trian]

read your post but not the responces

ask yourself why you wanted a girl...was it to do "girly" things with? You could have been very disappointed if she'd turned out not to be "girly" and some males are more "girly" than females.

There's WAY too much emphasis on gender and gender stereotypes in our society, and if there wasn't I think you (and others who find themselves in the same situation) would be less disappointed.

The other thing to mention is that there have always been animals (humans included) who are naturally born intersexed, and the number of intersexed animals (humans included) is only going to increase due to the unnecessary use of synthetic endocrine disrupters, so we all need to get used to the idea of appreciating people for who they are and not things they were born with.

I have fought, tooth and nail, on my own, through challenges most people don't even know exist (not talking fertility really) for over a decade to get to the point I'm at now where I have a chance of having children (26wk pg), and even now I still face challenges that most people don't, so you're right to mention your friends that have having problems TTC and if you focus on that I'm sure it will help. Also there are plenty of youth clubs etc that need volunteers so there's always scope to interact with more than just your own kids :-)

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

The only reason I wanted a girl was so that I'd experience parenting both a boy and a girl. As it turns out, I'll only experience parenting boys but that's life, and I'm so lucky to have 2 wonderful (99% of the time!) boys.

[scatterthenuns]

My irrational wanting of a girl has nothing to do with pink shit.

It is to do with the fact that I have grown up as a female, and live as one now. I know about periods, sexism, self doubt, body image, not feeling feminine, feeling too feminine, domestic abuse etc. I feel very well placed to guide a young woman through these experiences, in a way that I don't understand what it is like to grow up and live as a male.

Realistically, I know that feeling like your child is an alien will happen regardless of sex. And I know that even if my child's gender matched my own, it is highly likely that her experiences would feel just as alien to me as her brother's would.

World has changed so much since I was born that I know I'll be going in blind no matter the gender.

[ChicaMomma]

OOh, was offline for a few days.. Right, where to recommence with this touchy subject...

Tenforward, thank you so much for your kind words, it does help that other people do understand, however trivial. And yes you are spot on, it's the relationship I have with my own mum that i'd have liked to replicate. The wedding dress shopping, the make up, all those abhorrent girlie things :)

Hooty i think you are also spot on in what you say about the error being that i thought i could control it, and that i was so sure it was succesful. My husband said the exact same thing infact! I'm a control freak and i'm slowly learning that babies and all things related TO them cannot be controlled!

I did suffer from PND 4 months post partum last time- failed BF i think was the source of it, looking back- so i guess i'm scared witless that it will happen again, spurred on by the fact that no matter what way i look at it, i wanted a girl.

All of that said, i'm definitely coming to terms with having another little boy now- they'll be fantastic friends (i hope, DS1 is a very lovable and sociable character- also a complete loon bag and your stereotypical 'boy', never sits still, so yes i'm worried that they'll both be like that!)

You know, thinking logically about it, i'm almost projecting everyone elses disappointment onto myself as well. As other have alluded to, people will 'assume' (correctly) that i wanted a girl- it's almost too much to cope with their disappointment as well as my own. But that's ridiculous, i realise.

For anyone reading who's had a MC or similar and feels the topic is insensitive- while i apologise for that, obviously, this is a pregnancy forum where we discuss ALL THINGS pregnancy related. Welcome to the internet.

[ostrichneck]

No comment on the original post or the replies. But OP's last statement

For anyone reading who's had a MC or similar and feels the topic is insensitive- while i apologise for that, obviously, this is a pregnancy forum where we discuss ALL THINGS pregnancy related. Welcome to the internet.

Welcome to the internet?? How fucking rude and cold hearted!

[ChicaMomma]

It is a pregnancy forum- so one should expect to see threads discussing pregnancy and all things relating to it, is my point. I've had a MC myself, so i'm unlikely to be insensitive about it. If people are offended by it then they are probably on the wrong forum.

you read all the way to the end and that was your only comment?!

[squidkid]

I wanted boys, brothers - I have brothers and I can't relate to most traditionally "girly" stuff - I really did.

I have two amazing girls, I didn't find out the gender either time and both times the moment I set eyes on them none of that boy stuff mattered.

Even if I have had to watch my older one dress up as princess Elsa a thousand times and try not to cry (I didn't buy that dress )

[ChicaMomma]

Squid, maybe we can do a child swap and have 1 of each!! Joking. :)

I think, as others have said, if you're only having 2 then it is actually lovely for them to be the same gender. Im starting to get that now. It might be nicer and more 'ideal' for the parents (and in societal terms) to have one of each, but actually, for them, it's lovely to be the same gender.

[Atenco]

Sorry I have read the entire thread, but you have my sympathies, OP. I know how wrong it is but when I was pregnant, not before, I got a very, very intense preference for a girl. It was odd as I had always fantasised about having a boy. I didn't know what gender the baby was until her birth but I was really nervous about how I would receive a boy. Hopefully you have had lots of advice here and at least you have longer to get used to the idea.

[blowinahoolie]

So I gave birth a few days ago to DC3 and now have 3 DSs. Over the moon, cannot be any happier tbh! I would have also felt just as happy with a DD as well. You get what you're given for a reason....

[TenForward82]

Welcome to the internet?? How fucking rude and cold hearted!

But accurate. Especially if you choose to click on a thread with such a clear title.

Glad you came back, OP, thought the militant MNetters had scared you off. Glad you seem to have settled into the news a bit :)