Gender Disappointment

[ChicaMomma]

I feel really awful typing this, the guilt is horrific and i dont quite know what i expect anyone to say!

I'm expecting my second (and last) baby, 17 weeks pregnant today. We have a gorgeous 14 mth old boy who we ADORE. This time i really really wanted a little girl, doesnt every mother want a daughter?

Tried all the tricks- DTD 3 days before ovulation, took calcium and magnesium etc, so when i got the BFP i was SURE it would be a girl, like 99% sure! Had her name picked, everything. Panorama results came back to show... A BOY! I ashamedly cursed on the phone when i got the results.

I feel extra guilt because i have SO many friends who are having difficulties TTC, so i know damn well they'd all kill to be pregnant with their second boy, but all the same i cant shake my disappointment. I'm also afraid that 2 boys so close in age will be stir crazy! How will we cope??!!

Anyhow, as i said, i'm not sure what i'm expecting anyone to say, just looking to put my thoughts down on paper more than anything. I guess i'm a bit worried too that i wont bond with the baby. I hope i will, i'm sure i will, but it's a worry.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Don't assume two boys will make you crazy, in fact don't assume that the sex of your baby will have anything to do with his personality or preferences at all. Enjoy getting to know the person he will be without assuming he will behave in any particular way.

[Focusfocus]

Orange I am truly sorry about your miscarriages and I can totally see why, from that place, it seems impossible to make sense of the OP.

But in all honesty, if every single thing in this world could only be empathised with on a comparative scale, the only people worthy of understanding would be those undergoing the tsunami or losing their lives to incurable cancer.

there does not need to be a gradation of feelings. Your experiences are your journey, and it is traumatic to say the least. I am sure you wouldnt want to be told by someone else if you shared your feelings about this - well - you could have it far worse because I have had A B or C. Therefore i refuse to comprehend you.

It is totally acceptable to not comprehend. But that does not delegitimise someone's feelings.

if we started arranging all of life's experiences on a grades scale - then there would simply be no empathy anywhere for anyone, not just on mumsnet.

A Syrian child lay dead on the shores of Europe in today's papers. Heartbreaking. Traumatising. Mumsnet still remains a place where people can come and moan about incessant bedwetting or the trials of a screaming EBF infant with colic.

[2boysnamedR]

My mum lost two sons and a daughter in infancy. She only had two remaining life children - girls. We was told repeatedly that she never wanted girls. Hence I suspect my longing for both genders. We are all on our own journeys as stated above. Mine has been traumatic. My mum did indeed bury three live born babies. I don't judge that me and my sister wasn't enough. She doesn't judge me. It's just what is. I doubt anyone can relate to my story, doesn't mean it's invalid

[Orange1969]

True, Focus - I take your point and actually had it in my mind myself.

We are all subjective about life - seeing that little boy washed up on a beach, drowned, puts it all into perspective.

Despite the awful problems and tragedies that happen in the wider world, it is natural to spend a lot of time and emotion on our own worries - even if they seem trivial in the context of greater suffering.

I come from a culture where having a male baby is seen as a success and having a female child is seen as less successful. I can't understand it. A family friend gave birth to a boy and was congratulated because it is "better that the first child is a boy". This attitude disturbs and upsets me :(

[Focusfocus]

Yes that culture. I come from India. It horrifies me to think of the myriad ways in which female foetuses and infants are killed. Innovative methods. I have been congratulated that my first child is a boy. Every time india kills it's baby girls, sets fire on it's young women unable to bring dowry, I feel an uncontrollable urge to mother a little girl.

[Orange1969]

Oh, Focus, that's dreadful, really dreadful.

[WombOfOnesOwn]

No reason you can't teach a girl to wee standing up; it's done in many cultures.

[slightlyconfused85]

I'm afraid I find it difficult to sympathise too- surely when you decide to become pregnant you are aware that you have a 50 percent chance either way. You must also surely know that there are no proven methods to 'get' your preferred sex so being 99% sure you had conceived a girl is a little naive.

Nevertheless you can't help how you feel, and fwiw I have a number of friends with two boys who wouldn't have it any other way. Enjoy your baby when he arrives.

[WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere]

I have two boys, they are awesome. If I had a girl, I wouldn't have them.

[Notimefortossers]

If you're only going to have two I think it's lovely that they're the same gender. If you think about it, doesn't a boy always want a brother and a girl always want a sister? You can always find the plus's in whatever you're handed. My DH boasts that having a sister made him more understanding of women! Ha!

I have DD1 and DD2. It really pissed me off when pregnant with DC3 that people assumed I must be wanting a boy! If I'd have got another girl I'd have been elated. However, I perhaps had a slight preference for girls and always said that if I'd had 2 boys I'd have had to have tried for a girl, but with two girls I was quite content.

DC3 was a surprise baby and turned out to be a boy. Initially I was worried that I might feel differently and often commented that I didn't know what to do with a boy. BUT OH MY GOD I'm so in love with him.

I'm now pregnant with DC4 and it's the first time I've been pregnant that I've had a real preference. I'd like a boy. But that's mainly because I'd like to give my son a brother as he has two sisters already and will be a bit outnumbered by a third!

But equally if I find out it's a girl I don't think I will feel disappointment, because I know now that whatever gender my DC have been I've loved each and every one equally and overwhelmingly.

When your DS2 is here, you will be very glad you have him and wouldn't change him for the world. You'll love watching the bond between brothers developing.

I'm also of the opinion that finding out is a good idea so you can get prepared and also wrap your head around it if you do have a preference, but to each their own.

[Notimefortossers]

whatthejeffhasgoneonhere I love that

[MrsJorahMormont]

Your feelings are just that - yours. It's understandable if you had hoped for a girl that you're disappointed. Some people do feel more naturally able to parent one gender or another.

I was convinced I was having a boy, mainly because I really wanted a girl, and based on the conception timeline nonsense thought it would be a boy. I was over the moon we were having a girl - but weirdly felt a short lived grief for the boy we weren't having! People are not always rational especially when pregnant :o

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I felt like this for a split second when I found out DS2 was a boy. But then it passed, I love having boys now, they're 5 and nearly 3. I honestly wouldn't know what to do with a girl! Sometimes I get a fleeting moment of wistfulness that I'll never have a daughter but it passes as quickly as it arrives. I'm sure you will love your baby once he arrives (plus think-you'll never have to buy Lelli Kelly shoes!)

[Notimefortossers]

Yes! MyGastIsFlabbered makes an excellent point re Lelli bloody Kelly's!!

MrsJorahMormont what's the conception timeline nonsense? Maybe I can use it to second guess this pregnancy? Lol

[Micah]

Mygastisflabbered- you do exactly the same with a girl as you would a boy.

They're still the same species, not alien life forms!

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I know that really Micah, but I'm not going to have one so it doesn't really matter.

[DotaDay]

Focus I think you answered Oranges post brilliantly and sympathetically.

Oranges

I think it's completely normal to want a particular gender and to be dissapointed if you don't get what you want. It's not about being dissapointed in the actual child though.

I really wanted a girl but got DS1 and then DS2. I was dissapointed not to have a girl but there was never a moment when I was dissapointed in them . I went on to have DD1 and DD2. I love all my children equally

I think MN is the perfect place for having a moan about this type of thing. You know it's a little bit self indulgent and not 'logical' but sometimes you just need a moan.

OP, Please don't worry that you won't bond with your new baby. I bet you will be fine. Hope everything goes well for you.

[Hootytoot]

I felt immense gender disapoitment when I found my second was also a boy, it was never about being disappointed with the baby I was carrying it was about the grief of not ever being a mother to a daughter.
And it was grief, intense for a few days then it faded slowly.
It's not about pink! It's about feeling that you had something to pass on about your experiences as a woman to daughter. For me, my best relationship has been with my mum so of course I hoped I too would have a daughter.
I'm 30 weeks now and I am really loving the fact I will have my boys, brothers together.
I think you just have to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to go through the process

[starfish12]

Pre children my preference would have been for girls.

Now i am blessed with 2 lovely boys - 23 months and 11 weeks. I am so happy they have a same sex sibling and even though I'll never experience a mother daughter bond I feel like I've been granted a new adventure that I'd never considered - a life with 2 boys.

Don't feel guilty it's ok to have a preference but hey maybe you have been given something even better than you imagined with a girl (and there won't be weddings to pay for hahahaha)

[quangotango]

I never wanted girls, boys are great. I have three. Be grateful, seriously.

[TenForward82]

Chica, I understand your feelings as I shared them too. I'm lucky enough to have gotten the gender I wanted, but before the gender scan I convinced myself it was the opposite so that I wouldn't be too shocked if it happened. I think (in hindsight, which doesn't help you) your mistake was a) being so sure you could control the gender and b) being so sure you'd gotten the gender you wanted before the scan. For these reasons, this reveal would have been a huge shock to you, one that I think will take time to get over. Give yourself a chance, you'll adjust, and I'm sure you'll love him as much as you would a daughter.

[TenForward82]

Also, I'm also 17 weeks (tomorrow) so if you want to have a pregnancy moan I'm just a PM away :)

[Mrsfrumble]

I think these threads always get to me a little because 99.9% of the posters have / had a preference for girls. Why?

[RachelZoe]

Mrsfrumble


I've always wondered this as well.

[TenForward82]

Maybe because we ARE girls women, frumble ? Won't somebody think of the menz??