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Pregnancy

Gender Disappointment

127 replies

ChicaMomma · 03/09/2015 16:14

I feel really awful typing this, the guilt is horrific and i dont quite know what i expect anyone to say!

I'm expecting my second (and last) baby, 17 weeks pregnant today. We have a gorgeous 14 mth old boy who we ADORE. This time i really really wanted a little girl, doesnt every mother want a daughter?

Tried all the tricks- DTD 3 days before ovulation, took calcium and magnesium etc, so when i got the BFP i was SURE it would be a girl, like 99% sure! Had her name picked, everything. Panorama results came back to show... A BOY! I ashamedly cursed on the phone when i got the results.

I feel extra guilt because i have SO many friends who are having difficulties TTC, so i know damn well they'd all kill to be pregnant with their second boy, but all the same i cant shake my disappointment. I'm also afraid that 2 boys so close in age will be stir crazy! How will we cope??!!

Anyhow, as i said, i'm not sure what i'm expecting anyone to say, just looking to put my thoughts down on paper more than anything. I guess i'm a bit worried too that i wont bond with the baby. I hope i will, i'm sure i will, but it's a worry.

OP posts:

Report

Notimefortossers · 04/09/2015 20:12

When I found out I was DD2 was a girl and shared my news an ex colleague who comes from a particular culture actually said to me 'Oh dear. Never mind. Better luck next time!' . . . I nearly punched her in the face!!!

Notimefortossers · 04/09/2015 20:13

Yes I think maybe that's it. Perhaps we feel we will understand/relate to/better parent a girl because we are one?!

Mrsfrumble · 04/09/2015 20:19

I must be some sort of weirdo then TenForward, because despite being a woman I can honestly, hand-on-heart, say that I did not have a preference for daughters.

I suppose the automatic assumption that women prefer daughters makes me feel alienated because that wasn't at all how I felt. I should probably just not open these threads.

TenForward82 · 04/09/2015 20:23

I think you're way overthinking this frumble. Not everyone will prefer a daughter, and that's fine. Just because some of us here did, doesn't mean everyone does, or has to. Not everything is a personal attack.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 04/09/2015 20:23

Totally agree with "don't let anyone make you feel bad"

Of course it's ok to have a preference, and to feel disappointed. Especially when you'd tried so hard for a girl..

No point comparing yourself to childless friends. If you broke your leg you'd let yourself feel disappointment, you wouldn't feel guilty about people born without legs

Is it definitely your last baby? Like, 100% ? Or was that mostly when you assumed he was a she?

A friend did medical gender selection after having 3 boys. Wait and see how you feel once he's here. Don't feel bad, you haven't done anything wrong

TenForward82 · 04/09/2015 20:24

Btw, almost everyone I know has had sons, and they think they're brilliant. They were chuffed to have boys. And that's great for them, but not how I felt.

AGnu · 04/09/2015 20:24

I only ever wanted 2 boys because I didn't get on with other girls as a child & I really didn't want to have to watch my own DD go through all the friendship dramas. That was until I was pg the second time & it was such a different pregnancy that I couldn't help wondering if it was a girl. I spent so long worrying that I'd be upset if it were a girl that I convinced myself I did want a girl after all & ended up feeling a bit disappointed to discover he was a boy!

My 2 DSs are now nearly 4 & 2 & utterly adore each other. It's done DS1 the world of good to have a playmate so similar in age who's a "safe" person to play with - he has ASD & struggles with most other children. DS2 is utterly adorable & infinitely more snuggly than DS1 so he's the "sweet" one most of the time & DS1 is very definitely the "clever but aloof" one. Sweeping generalisation of their characters! We've not agreed on whether we'll have any more DC. Since I started wanting a girl it's not quite gone away but I do completely adore the 2 DC I have, regardless of their genitalia!

AnotherTimeMaybe · 04/09/2015 20:24

I understand about not having your first choice but to actually be disappointed it's a step too far for me sorry
It's not the infertility and miscarriages that i went through that make me say this, it's the fact that you should care about this baby being healthy most of all and nothing else! Don't take health for granted, if your baby were to go to SCBU for a week like mine did, you wouldnt think if it's a boy or a girl
Think of all the parents with disabled children struggling at the moment, would they care if it's a boy it a girl?
Sorry if this is not what you were looking for, but you really need to get your priorities straight

And don't worry I've said the same thing to a mate of mine who recently told me that she's grieving for the fact that the 20 week scan revealed another girl after she went through 2 IVFs to get pregnant FFS

TenForward82 · 04/09/2015 20:27

another we can be grateful for a baby being healthy, and worried about a baby's wellbeing, and still have a gender preference. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I had my 16 week midwife appointment and it took her an agonising 6 minutes to find the baby's heartbeat. When she finally found it I cried through relief.

Still wanted a girl though.

Mrsfrumble · 04/09/2015 20:32

TenFoward, would you mind explaining what you meant by your "won't someone think of the menz" comment? I'm not being facetious, I genuinely don't get it in this context and I hate it when stuff goes over my (currently very jet-lagged and knackered) head...

Hoviscats · 04/09/2015 20:33

I used to be bemused but tolerant of these threads. Having recently had a mmc whilst trying for dc2, now they just make me angry!

I think that anyone who is seriously that disappointed probably needs some counselling or to give themselves a good shake!

Notimefortossers · 04/09/2015 20:39

Agnu you did a real number on yourself there! Lol ;)

TenForward82 · 04/09/2015 20:43

frumble I suppose I meant that you were implying there was something inherently wrong in appearing to 'favour' girls, even though quite a lot of people feel closer / more comfortable with their own gender. It's something usually said to Men's Rights Activists when they feel that men are being under-represented or ignored in an issue. You seemed to be implying (perhaps I'm over-reading) that it was unfair to boys to prefer a girl.

The upshot is, if someone has a gender preference, for EITHER gender, that's not a bad (or "alienating") thing. We're all different.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 04/09/2015 20:55

When its still hypothetical and you haven't met your baby, I think its normal to have a gender preference. Once baby arrives though, you will see them as an individual, not a boy or girl, and you wouldn't send them back for the world. I get that you badly want a daughter and its not happening this time. But don't feel guilty about being upset about that, its hard to let go of an image you have in your head!

Mrsfrumble · 04/09/2015 21:09

I do think it's unfair if it's based on a preconceived idea of character and behaviour, which gender preference often seems to be (but not always, obviously).

Even the Op mentions having 2 boys close in age as potentially "driving her crazy", implying that sons will be more challenging. I don't think these preconceptions are fair or helpful. Does that really align me with MRAs?

AnotherTimeMaybe · 04/09/2015 21:16

TenForward this is not just a preference that didn't work out. OP sounds gutted!
Sorry I do believe this is one of those threads that are wrong
I get it that she's not happy, but she should be a bit more considerate of more unfortunate parents reading this, people with real issues

TenForward82 · 04/09/2015 21:36

another so she's not entitled to share very REAL and COMMON feelings because some women have had a miscarriage (and chose to click on this thread)? That seems unfair and by that logic we can never share our feelings about anything in case some narcissistic person has it worse.

frumble sorry, I wasn't actually implying you were an MRA. Lots of women view boys as harder work, which may not be true, but that's not always why women might prefer a girl. There's a variety of reasons I can think of. I myself was a tomboy so have no expectations of my daughter as a pink and fluffy accessory.

2boysnamedR · 04/09/2015 21:48

I do have have disabled kids. I still understand why people might to experience parenting both genders.

I do t read threads and think like that. My feelings don't negate others.

I was told "it could be worse" yes of course it could be worse. It can always be worse. Everyone can be more grateful. That doesn't mean other people's feelings are in valid.

" it could be worst, you could be ill, it could be terminal, you could have been ill terminal and mugged, you could be ill terminal mugged then your pet died, " etc to infinity

SoupDragon · 04/09/2015 21:49

I get it that she's not happy, but she should be a bit more considerate of more unfortunate parents reading this, people with real issues

Do you also tell mothers with PND to cheer the fuck up and be grateful?

AnotherTimeMaybe · 04/09/2015 21:53

Do you also tell mothers with PND to cheer the fuck up and be grateful

What? What does this have to do with this thread? How do you compare PND with someone's disappointment on baby's gender?

SoupDragon · 04/09/2015 21:54

The thing with gender disappointment is that, in the vast majority of cases, it is about the child you didn't get and nothing to do with the child you are getting.

It's also not always entirely rational or within yor conscious control. I was upset to discover DS2 was a boy and the disjointed to discover dc
3 was a girl. Utterly bonkers. I still loved evey one of them the same when they were born.

I don't feel guilty in the slightest and nor did I think I had to look at my priorities or give myself a slap.

SoupDragon · 04/09/2015 21:56

What? What does this have to do with this thread? How do you compare PND with someone's disappointment on baby's gender?

Easily. Both are out of your conscious control. You think people should simply be grateful they have a child. Surely that counts for all negative feelings.

Personally I have more empathy and compassion.

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horsewalksintoabar · 04/09/2015 21:58

No one's ever disappointed to hear that they're having a girl. It's always the poor boys.
Don't worry OP. You know that you will be delighted as the pregnancy goes on and especially when you finally meet him.

Notimefortossers · 04/09/2015 22:01

Good post TwoboysnamedR

And what SoupDragon said

AnotherTimeMaybe · 04/09/2015 22:09

SoupDragon what you think I think is plain wrong! It's odd that you assumed I was talking about mums with PND as well! Nowhere in her post did OP let's us believe she's out of control
PND is heavy shit, not a great idea comparing it with stories like these

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