Regrets after termination?

[walkers77]

Hello, I posted last week about being a married mother with two sons (ages 2 and 4.5) and finding out I am pregnant with a third, completely unplanned and unexpected. My husband has now made it clear that he thinks it's a mistake to go forward with it (for a variety of reasons, including many 'practical' considerations). I told him this morning that there is no right decision because no matter what, I think that one of us will resent the other. If I terminate, it will be because of his lack of support and I will likely resent him and if I decide to go forward with the pregnancy, he will likely resent me when life becomes that much more chaotic and stressful once baby is born.

I have been reading a lot of old posts and I know everyone's situation is different but the theme seems to be that anyone who has terminated seems to regret it or thinks about what they did every day (this is the biggest fear I have). Is there anyone out there who was in a similar situation to me and terminated and thinks they made the RIGHT decision in doing so? I would be grateful to hear from both sides (regrets and no regrets).

OP - kindly - other people don't matter now. You matter. It sounds like you want this pregnancy to go ahead?

That's the first and most important matter.

Secondly, the women pining and crying and unhappy after terminating is a myth. Most feel relief. (The women who wanted to terminate.)

Thirdly, terminating a pregnancy is rarely a cut and dry decision. It's often a 70/30, with no right decision- just a decision you're ok with and you can live with.

I wish you well.

^ I don't anyone could answer your question better than gingermakesmesick just did

I don't think it's fair to say that women pining and crying and unhappy after terminating is a myth. I know a fair few who have wanted to terminate, but have regretted their decision afterwards and have gone through grief.

OP - I'm in a very similar situation to you. Except it's my fourth. And my youngest is just 6 months. My DH wants me to terminate and at first I was so sure I couldn't cope I went along with it even though I wasn't happy about it. I saw the doctor the very next day after I found out and he made me an appointment at the hospital for a week's time.

In that week I had plenty of time to consider it and in the end was fairly certain I wouldn't be able to go through with it, but went to the appointment anyway, so that I could get scanned and make sure everything was as it should be which would aid me in my decision. Plus I felt it would be good to talk it through with an experienced trained professional.
The councillor I spoke to was amazing and confirmed that I fit the profile of a person who would regret it and who it would come back to bite emotionally. Her reasoning for this was that prior to this pregnancy, termination was something that was completely outside of my morals and values system (for myself, would never judge anybody else for making that decision). She also said that some women do go on to feel absolutely fine and not regret it. She said that generally what determines which way it will go is how you see what the pregnancy is. Is it already a baby to you? Or just a ball of cells?
I'm just trying to give you a bit of insight into what a professional said to me to hopefully make it easier for you to decide.
If you'd like I can dig out her details for you and you can see if she can find someone for you to talk to in your area? I think her organisation is called Crisis and they help with crisis pregnancies. They're not just for people who've had terminations, but for anyone who is struggling with their pregnancy. She offered for me to come back with my DH so that they could mediate me telling him I had to keep it and make sure we were both heard . . . which wasn't necessary. My DH was very supportive and understood why I couldn't do it . . . he still doesn't want another, but he will come around.
Also if it helps, I panicked about having 3, but it has been absolutely wonderful. We've all enjoyed my son SO much.
xxx

It is a myth that they all do mummy.

You didn't want to terminate, so you didn't. If you had been forced into it, you would have regretted it as you didn't want one in the first place.

I suspect the OP may fall into your category.

However, thousands of women do terminate and don't regret it, or if they do it is fleeting. Most who terminate a pregnancy because they want to terminate a pregnancy feel relief.

Where it is complex is where women terminate who didn't want to but feel they should - to please a partner or because they feel finances won't allow it or similar.

Here are the details of the charity you mention:

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-health/10629435/Abortion-scandal-what-are-Crisis-Pregnancy-Centres-and-where-are-they-in-the-UK.html

Are you considering the unborn child? How might it affect them having a father who resents them because he didn't want them? How would it affect your other dc in terms of time and money? It's not just about whether you or dh 'want' another dc. Sorry if this is obvious or you have considered it already.

I'm sure she has.

Ultimately it's her decision. We should support.

Yes, not ALL women who terminate regret it, but that's not what you said. You said it was a myth that women feel that way . . . which isn't true. And I'd like to know where you are getting your information from that MOST feel relief . . . how do you know that?
I have a friend who was absolutely certain she wanted to terminate, completely her decision, no outside influences. It was in the days when you had to have a surgical procedure under general anasthetic. She went under feeling absolutely certain, but the moment she came around she clutched her stomach and thought 'What have I done?' She still cries about it all the time and lights a candle for it every year on it's due date. So what you say is certainly not true in all cases.
I'm not sure whether Haggisfish is talking to me or the OP or both . . . but in the case of my husband, he could never regret or resent one of his children once it's been born. I think for men parenting starts at birth whereas for women it starts at conception . . . or at least that's true in our case. But he has never failed to fall in love with his babies on the spot the moment they've been born and I have no doubts that this time will be exactly the same x

Although I do agree with ginger that is is totally the OP's decision and we should support.

I really feel for you OP because I have the same worries. I feel sorry for my husband, because even though I know ultimately it's my decision, it still affects his life massively and it's like he has no say? He's made it clear what he thinks I should do and essentially, I'm ignoring him, because I can't do it. Unfortunately there's just no middle ground on this one. But as I said above I'm just hoping and almost certain that once it's born his feelings will change x

I said,

'Women pining after a termination is a myth. Most feel relief.'

To clarify, pro-life organisations often state as if it is a fact that everyone who terminates a pregnancy will regret it. It was that I challenged. To a point, no one who ends a pregnancy will ever know how they will feel about it but in most cases, when the decision has been reached independently (without pressure from spouses and parents) there is no regret. Sadness, yes: I feel sad about mine, I wish I had not had it, but not because I think it was the wrong thing - I wish I had not become pregnant in the first place.

But nothing more really needs to be said other than that this is the OPs decision and about how she can feel about it.

It sounds to me as if the only reason the OP is thinking about ending the pregnancy is because of her husband, in which case I would urge her not to go ahead with ending it because put simply she does not want to.

Yes but I'm interested to know how you know that MOST people don't regret it if the decision has been reached independently?

When I was thinking of terminating I did all sorts of research to try and find out what the statistics were on women regretting/not regretting the decision to terminate and couldn't find anything?
I suspect that the OP wants to know the same thing and to hear people's own stories (which she asked for) in order to try and judge the likelihood that she herself would/would not regret it.
I agree with you though that it does sound as though it's her husband that wants the termination and not her and that in that instance she shouldn't go through with it . . . but I do wonder how that is fair to the man though? I guess it's not, but it's an impossible situation because to go the other way would not be fair to her?! So how do you decide who's feelings/decision is more important than the other?
My husband made it quite clear AGAIN this morning that he doesn't think we should go ahead . . . just as I thought he had accepted that we'd have to x

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11738638/Abortion-The-harsh-truth-about-how-women-feel-afterwards.html

I don't work for the Telegraph, honestly!

This is broadly consistent with my own feelings at the time, but ultimately, as I said in my first line to the OP, what others think and feel isn't important. If 99% of women who terminate a pregnancy don't regret it but you are in the 1% that does, it isn't going to comfort you knowing that 99 other women are just fine thank you very much!

Where pregnancy and birth and to a certain extent very young babies are concerned, it is unfair to the man because that's what biology has deemed to be the case. The woman's feelings and decision are always more important because her body carries the child.

Pregnancy is not risk free either physically or mentally. Personally, I do not sail through pregnancy. Every single one of mine (including the one I ended) has impacted on my physical and mental health. I have been through extreme sickness, exhaustion, severe depression, tearing, mastitis, have had one C section resulting in trapped wind which in all honesty I used to think of as something of a 'joke' illness until I couldn't walk properly for six weeks! and of course no operation is completely risk free.

The man just doesn't. That's not fair or unfair - it's biology. It's a conversation many women have with their daughters but need to have with their sons too - that if you do not want a child you need to really make so sure you don't impregnante somebody because once sperm meets egg you lose all control and could be paying for eighteen years!

I am sorry your husband is being difficult.

The flip-side to the situation I outlined above is that if you feel uncomfortable with abortion (and it is possible to feel slightly uneasy about it yet still 'agree' with it - I fall into this category and have had one) then the whole process will be exceedingly traumatic and will hugely impact on the woman - which is why it has to be 100% her decision and no one else's.

I read that article in the telegraph when I was researching but also found other articles to the contrary so it's hard to know what is true really.
I think what the lady from Crisis told me is a good indicator of whether or not it is the right decision for you. x

Ultimately everyone feels differently and I think you do just reach a decision, one way or another. I did when in the local Co-Op buying a packet of salt n vinegar squares! I'd been umming and ahhing and when it came to it I just realised 'no, this is not for me at this time.'

But I do need to gently say mummy - crisis are not impartial, they are pro life. That's fine as it fit in with what you wanted and they have given you support and that's great - but someone else who does want to end their pregnancy may not wish to have this agenda.

I wish you and the OP well and luck.

Gosh! That surprises me! Why would the hospital be offering them as the councilling service at the termination clinic?!
She didn't seem biased to me. She spoke to me about my situation, but also said that plenty of women do go on not to regret it and lead perfectly normal and happy lives x

Look at the link on my post at 06:33.

I still don't understand why Crisis would be the organisation chosen by the NHS (at least at my hospital) to offer pre and post termination counselling x

I think at the end of the day it's you whose going to live with it if you terminate or not and I'm sure you're thinking about it as you don't want to live your life with regrets. It sound like you have a very supportive dh and will stand by you so whatever you decide he will come. To terms with it. It's good that you are seeking professional advice a nd counselling and dh is involved. What ever you decide mn is here for support.

My situation is a bit different but I found out that I was pregnant with my ex's child just as I called it a day and it would have been so much easier ( peoples opinion) to terminate and move on with my life but deep inside my heart I couldn't live with it and I'm sure I would have carried that regret for the rest of my life. I'm now 26+5 and every scan I've been it always came back to me that oh my ...I would have been getting rid of this baby. I've come to terms with it and now looking forward to the little one.

Hope you make the best decision for you and your family . Good luck x

Neither do I and I think it's a poor show on the part of the hospital. The only thing I can think of is that it was so clear that you didn't want to terminate that they directed you to somewhere pro-life.

No when I left the appointment with the doctor I was still enough in two minds to make another appointment for two weeks time to have some more time to think about it.
And that lady that I saw was calling all of the ladies from the waiting room. Even the ones that had just taken the pill x

I'm not sure then mummy - that's pretty bad. It wasn't Stafford hospital, was it?

My termination was private and in any case I was positive I wanted it so didn't have any counselling but I'm afraid I just don't know. Certainly, the Crisis centres are independent of the NHS so that's very peculiar.

I had top. I had 3 dcs at the time. I occassionaly think about it and feel sad but I don't regret it.

This is completely my mistake!! I've just been to dig out her card. Her organisation is called CORNERSTONE . . . not Crisis . . Sorry! xxx
OP if you are interested the website is www.pregnancyadvice.org.uk
Slightly off point . . . I'm fairly new to Mumsnet . . . what does it mean when something is written but has a line through it? x

Thanks to all for their messages. I reached the conclusion that I couldn't go through with a termination but it seems nature has now made the decision for me, as I started to miscarry this morning.

Oh bless you Walkers :( I'm so sorry xxx

Take good care of yourself x