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Pregnancy

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Original poster

should I pay for my sister to visit me after baby is born?

54 replies

BBLucy1891 · 25/08/2015 15:56

Two years ago my younger, and only, sister (she's 25) moved to Australia. She has very little spare money, and to her credit she works really hard but the lifestyle over there is more expensive - she lives in a flashy apartment, drives a nice car and utilities etc are high.

About a year ago she came into some money, not a huge amount but enough, and (realising I might get pregnant and have a baby some time soon) I advised her to save an "emergency" fund in case she wants to visit home at some stage. The money didn't last and now she has no savings and lives rent-day-to-rent day.

I'm due my first baby in 4 months. My partner and I are struggling quite a bit financially. We live very simply and any spare money we have (very little) goes into a savings account because we're saving up for a deposit on a house (we rent currently). We're looking at things being even more tight after the baby is born because my income will be down.

My sister wants to visit me when the baby is born, and my mother also wants her to come. Nobody's saying anything yet but they will. I know when the time comes my mother will ask me to buy a ticket for her to visit. My mother has no money either and we have no other family.

Obviously I want to see my sister and I always assumed she would get to see the baby when it was born, or shortly after, but at the same time I feel a bit like I've drawn the short straw always having to bail people out. I manage my money fairly well, but my family tends to be more 'spend now, think later'.

I also know that there is no conceivable way of my sister being able to pay me back, its just not realistic. So it would be €1000 gone. Its a lot of money to us. Am I being terribly selfish even questioning it? What would you do? Thanks!

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lunar1 · 25/08/2015 17:45

No bloody way, she is an adult and needs to fund her own choices.

Mummybare · 25/08/2015 17:49

Of course you shouldn't. Why on earth would you think you should?

Junosmum · 25/08/2015 18:15

No, unless I could really afford it. Can't she put a little aside each month now she knows you are pregnant? You could offer to put a little towards, as much as you can comfortably afford? Sounds like she isn't great with money and she won't get better if people keep giving her hand outs.

rollonthesummer · 25/08/2015 18:22

FFS, really?! I can't believe they would ask you! If you're on maternity leave-say 1. I'm on maternity leave, I can't afford it. 2. Use that money you came into.

Why should she get to cane her money but you are expected to subsidise her? Would your mum really expect you to pay???

FishWithABicycle · 25/08/2015 18:35

Absolutely you shouldn't be paying out for your sister to visit. Think of it this way - what would your baby benefit more from: a visit from an aunty, or years worth of additional educational books, toys and clothes that the same amount of money could buy, or having a stable and secure home if the same amount of money allows you to buy rather than rent that much sooner. I don't think the visit from aunty wins that dilemma personally.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 25/08/2015 18:43

No. This happens if you move across the world, you can't see everyone unless you save up to visit.

Berthatydfil · 25/08/2015 18:55

YANBU. Why should you subsidise her when she chooses to spend all her money on a flashy lifestyle and not save any thing,

BalloonSlayer · 25/08/2015 19:05

No.

And it is not more expensive to live in Australia. My sister lives in Sydney and her house is worth much the same as ours. Hers is a mansion in comparison (the first time I saw a photo I thought "which half is theirs?")

It's not "the lifestyle over there is more expensive" it's "HER lifestyle is more expensive."

lilac3033 · 25/08/2015 19:24

Nope! Don't pay. I am American and emigrated to the UK. DD was born 4 months ago and we have used air miles to fly over next month so the family can meet her. I have never asked for help with flights post Uni. It just isn't appropriate. It is one of the challenges that comes with emigrating. I budget for this and we have a credit card with airmiles to help. She was warned about having savings and she will have had 9 months to sort it out. Hate to say it, but she made her choice.

Lucy61 · 25/08/2015 20:54

Hell no! Think of it this way- would you take money from your child to give to your sister? Your priority should be your own family.

Iflyaway · 25/08/2015 21:09

Of course you are not obliged to pay your sister's way to visit UK and your baby.

She made her decisions by moving there and not saving any money

With a baby coming, you're going to need all the money for the next 20 years

Mintyy · 25/08/2015 21:21

I joined Mumsnet nearly 10 years ago and this is one of the strangest ops I have ever read on here. Why would your mother and sister expect you to pay for her to come to the UK to see your baby?

Your sister lives on the other side of the world and thousands of pounds worth of flying time away. Missing out on seeing her nieces or nephews very often is partly what she has signed up for. It's sad for you if you'd like her to see your child as a baby, but that's just it ... sad, but you'll all get over it.

One of my very best friends moved to Australia in the early 90s. I have only seen her in person about 5 times since then - every time she has been back to the UK - and I miss her so much it pains me sometimes. But we have facebook now! And email! Such an improvement on how it was when she actually left the country.

beehappybe · 25/08/2015 21:28

Hi, you have a lot of responses already here but I would add my NO.
I had the same issue as my family got used to me paying for their flights-I was just being too generous-I don't regret it but now I have my little baby to think about. Now with baby on the way you will need every penny for your new family. If your sister wants to come over she can-you say it's still 4 months till you give birth. If your sister wants to come over she can start saving now.

starlight2007 · 25/08/2015 21:33

I of course agree with everyone else..What I can't figure out is why you think you should pay?

DinosaursRoar · 25/08/2015 21:42

Agree with the "no" - but I'd lay the ground work now to avoid being asked, or to make it easier for you to say no/DM and DSis expect a no.

Try making comments to your DM that you are a little worried how you are going to cope after the first 6 weeks, and you've realised just how little you'll have to live off, that you are trying to save, but still are worried "with all the big things like prams and car seats" you need to buy you aren't going to be able to save to cover the whole mat leave period, that you are worried you might have to go back sooner than you'd like etc...

A few comments like that should have them feeling that they can't ask, or not be surprised when you say no.

And definately say no, she wouldn't be visiting for the baby, the baby won't know or care at this age, perhaps at 18 months - 2 years your baby will get more from the visit, but at the birth, it would be for your benefit. Weigh up if you'd get more benefit from you seeing your sister or from having less financial worries.

DinosaursRoar · 25/08/2015 21:47

Oh and there's a lot to be said for setting your stall out now, you can't be the family sensible one who is effectively the one who's expected to bail out everyone else, you have a new responsibility that is your priority, your mum and sister need to learn they can't turn to you to solve their money problems.

rollonthesummer · 25/08/2015 22:26

My partner and I are struggling quite a bit financially.

Would your mother really ask you to pay £1000+ for your sister to visit if she knows that?

Does your mother really favour your sister's travel plans over your financial wellbeing?

Just say you can't afford it-I don't understand why you would say anything else. What on earth does your partner say about it?

HopefulHamster · 25/08/2015 22:31

Don't pay, there's plenty of time ahead to see the baby.

My brother (who is not broke) wouldn't pay £200 to come see my baby (train fare for his family) and I was a little hurt but we just waited for the next big family meetup to see him again. Baby is now 11 months. Of course you might have to wait a little longer, but that's on her, not you.

Don't push your own finances for it!

OhBigHairyBollocks · 25/08/2015 22:35

No!

MummyBex1985 · 26/08/2015 09:09

What the hell? Your sister came into some money, spent all the cash, and now wants you to pay for her trippie back home?!

I'm not sure I'd be as polite as you in the circumstances and I would certainly be telling them where to go! Your money is for you and the baby, not for anyone else.

rollonthesummer · 26/08/2015 11:00

Op-what would your partner say if you were asked?

ARV1981 · 26/08/2015 11:08

No. You shouldn't pay.

I don't see why they'd think you should! Your sister is old enough to save her own money to buy expensive flights. She chose that lifestyle, so she has to live with the consequences of her choices.

You have a new priority now: your baby.

Think what £1000 could buy it....

Cot, pram and car seat
Toys, books, clothes and nappies
Or... put it in a trust fund and let baby have it on his or her 18th birthday - who knows maybe he/she would choose to spend it on a trip to visit aunty in oz!
Or save it with the rest of your deposit money.

Just tell your family that you can't afford to give any more handouts now that your new baby's on the way. They'll have to learn to save their own money.

rollonthesummer · 26/08/2015 12:45

I can't believe people would really ask someone on maternity leave to fork out for this?!

Doublebubblebubble · 27/08/2015 06:24

I dont mean to sound harsh but There is always Skype x I mean you told her to have an emergency fund just in case (I mean God forbid anything bad were to happen to someone in your family would she expect you to pay for her then) I think that skype-ing might also give her a bit more of an incentive to save some money. Seeing a baby as apposed to holding a baby is a very emotive thing. You certainly shouldn't have to pay anything (as I'm assuming you'd also be giving her free room and board on top of whatever other expenses there may be. ) 4 months should be enough time to save up at least $4-500, that's at least half the fare. And if all she can manage is $100 a month she would be well on her way to saving the correct amount by the time your baby is 6months old. Remember she is 25 and not a baby that you are going to have to provide for. Xx good luck xX

ffffffedup · 27/08/2015 07:01

God no I wouldn't pay. If she's that desperate to see you she'll either scrimp and save to pay herself or even put it on a credit card and worry about it at a later stage. It was her choice to move to the other side of the world she should've taken situations like this into account when making that decision

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