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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

suicidal

77 replies

Sleeplessinnorthlondon · 11/08/2015 16:51

I can't do this any more. I thought things were ok or getting better, i've been doing therapy, going into work and almost feeling human or at least neutral or numb to anxious. Now, out of the blue all my fears and feelings are back. The GP can't see me til Friday which is an improvement at least on never which it was before, (not joking, live in East Finchley and seems impossible to ever be seen) the team I am seeing at UCLH tmrw can't do prescriptions and I am spending 500 pounds we 100% do not have to see someone privately tomorrow morning in hope he can do something but honestly no idea what as already in therapy and last GP told me, word for word, that any meds in pregnancy would be poison. I am so, so sure I have harmed this baby beyond hope with all my horrible stupid slef induglent feelings and I am really really trying to fix myself but keep failing and so sorry for all my friends family and poor poor dh. I can't bear for his life to be ruined by forever being married to this mess and then to take responsibility for raising a child who has problems I have caused and cannot take care of as I know I will be such a mess. Only thing can think to do is end it but don't think work life insurance applies in these cases and he would be on his own and then without a house and it would break his heart and my mother so can't see what to do. am beyond desperate and can't see any way out. Samaritans are so kind but really not able to help obviously as this is all hopeless. No idea why even posting here other than that everyone has been so kind before. Got self into this stupid anxiety cycle from the start by being irresponsible and just so so full of regret, remorse and self loathing I really can't go on. What can I do?

OP posts:
BowiesJumper · 12/08/2015 12:05

Oh sleepless - I'm glad your appointment was positive. I hope you can take something comforting from that and use it to feel a bit better. We're all rooting for you!

BumbleBee0 · 12/08/2015 12:09

So pleased to hear your app with the psychiatrist was positive, that's great news. Sounds like you now have a plan of therapy which again is great news. Well done! You can do this! Smile xxx

Lolamon · 12/08/2015 12:16

You can do this! You're an incredible mother and you can beat this!

You can take ads whilst pregnant your gp is a tool!

Keep talking keep fighting ok!

roughtyping · 12/08/2015 12:17

Sleepless am so sorry to read youre still having such a tough time. Glad the appointment went well today, you sound positive again, please hang on to that and come back and read that post when you're feeling low. We're all thinking of you xx

Dinotaurrexgrrrr · 12/08/2015 12:38

Hi OP, I hope ur feeling better today, I was on a low dose of antidepressants during my 2nd pregnancy, I also had panic attacks for several months while I was pregnant, I was forever worrying about him and felt that I must be harming him in someway. He is now a completely happy, healthy 2 year old, u sound incredibly thoughtful and caring and are very aware of how others feel, take sometime to look after you, remember it's not selfish to put ur needs first right now in order to be a brilliant mum and wife, I'm sure ul b a wonderful mum, lots of love xxx

Hootytoot · 12/08/2015 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissBananaMama · 12/08/2015 13:47

Sleepless,

So so sorry to read about how you have been feeling. I'm so glad the psychiatrist has put your mind at ease somewhat. The fact you are seeking help and advice and are so worried about your little boy just proves how good a mummy you already are.
Sending love and good wishes from the November 2015 ladies x

tootsroots · 12/08/2015 15:19

sleepless... i have the number for the Mental health midwives at St Georges hospital, it is Lorraine or Amy 02987251984.
Please do call them, they are amazing, and NHS an i think what you need, relevant professionals, you know who i am from FB.. forget what hosp you are seeing and call them for help? They are there for this precise medical help and am sure will help you!
xxxx

DixieNormas · 12/08/2015 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Skiptonlass · 12/08/2015 17:21

Sleepless - not much to add to the excellent advice above, but I remember your previous thread.

Your anxiety isn't harming your baby - they are well insulated in there. Whats Critical is that YOU get the help you need. You are doing that - you're reaching out, you're seeing people, you ARE going to be a good mum.

P.s. Your GP is dead wrong about medication, most of the SSRIs have a decent safety profile. The only slight effect is some slight jitteriness in some babies born on high doses (but nothing serious, and not worse than someone with a good coffee habit.) when you next see a professional, mention your gps stance and see if someone else can prescribe for you (if that is what they in their professional capacity think right for you.)

You can do this! Recoveries have peaks, troughs and setbacks, but you've done exactly what you should have done - recognised the issue and sought help.

All the very best to you :)

tootsroots · 12/08/2015 17:50

Sorry it's 02087251984... Corrected!

Gr33dyeggs · 12/08/2015 18:08

Hi sleepless. I'm glad to read you are feeling a bit better following your appointment.

Rufus200 · 12/08/2015 19:38

sleepless there has been some excellent advice on here but there are 2 natural products that can be taken that have has a good results with depression/anxiety as antidepressants!

I had a complete mental breakdown in 2012 and very nearly took my own life, I couldn't get any medical help to begin with and no one would take me seriously, they just said I was grieving and it was normal! I suffered from hallucinations and was seeing demons. I started taking 5-htp which greatly reduced my hallucinations and depressions symptoms. 6 months later with a course of CBT I was classed as no depression but still anxious. I've since switched to Inositol and had much better results. No hallucinations and anxiety much reduced, I'm 14wks. If you don't want to take antidepressants then please consider Inositol, I've attached a link showing the clinical research into it. It is safe to take in pregnancy and I've checked with Prof Greene at UCL who is using it in a study to reduce spina bifida, it has many uses!

examine.com/supplements/Inositol+Hexaphosphate/

Hope you fee better soon

Sleeplessinnorthlondon · 13/08/2015 08:27

Thank you all so much for your hugely kind and helpful advice. Last night actually felt happy and excited for first time in long time and this morning am ok but back to some stupid old questioning habits. Problem is don't know much about data or risk so when doctor said things like teeny if existent risk of harm to baby from stress and "small shift in normal distribution" does that mean 10% increase? Less? 1% he said wasn't even agreed that there was a risk so think must be less than 10% or would be seen and agreed on by now? What do you think? Skiptonlass think this is sort of thing you and world actually probably understand better than me! Thanks all so so
Much
Me xxx

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 13/08/2015 08:42

I think psychiatrist is right to be worried about you but not baby.

Fwiw I had a pretty chilled pregnancy with ds1 (certainly compared to my second two), have never been depressed in my life, am not particularly inclined to be anxious (except before tears etc - and usual stuff). And ds1 is very severely autistic & has extreme anxiety - I have my suspicions as to why, but clearly absolutely nothing to do with stress or anxiety in me (ds2 was born when we were trying to get ds1 diagnosed - probably, until now, the most stessful period of my life - and he's a pita teenager, but utterly typical).

Don't hesitate to take the AD's if you can't get the compulsive thoights under control - CBT/mindfulness etc is meant to be very good for these sorts of intrusive thoughts though. And it would be good to explore as an ongoing life skill, so it's good that those options are being tried first.

saintlyjimjams · 13/08/2015 08:42

Tears? Exams!!

holmessweetholmes · 13/08/2015 08:47

Really feel for you, Sleepless. Anxious thoughts can be so deceptive. Just think - as you go through life, tons of the normal people you meet, see, walk past in the street, will have been born from mothers who were experiencing stress and anxiety.

Whole generations of babies have been born in the world during wars, situations of extreme stress and misery, to parents who have undergone terrible hardships and unbearable stress. These whole generations of babies were not born with autism or problems at birth.

Sleeplessinnorthlondon · 13/08/2015 08:55

Thanks for your help everyone as ever. Saintly - have seen your posts before and wanted to say how much I appreciate your post and also to make it clear in case caused any offence or hurt my issue not at all with having a child with any challenges in life, don't want to sound like someone awful like that, work with children with range of needs and they're all fantastic - fear is that somehow I will have caused a problem that wasn't there, all about sense of guilt and responsibility. Thanks again for your help, hugely appreciated.

OP posts:
ValancyJane · 13/08/2015 09:06

Sleepless Sorry to hear how you're feeling, and you've had some really good advice on here that I can't add to, but in case it's any use I used to live in Finchley Central a couple of years ago (Church End close to where it becomes East Finchley) and the doctors on Mountfield Road could always fit me in at short notice. If you consider changing GPs as you mentioned they were hard to get appointments, I'd recommend there if you live on that end of East Finchley (unless by chance that is your GPs, in which case they've gone downhill!)

FreiasBathtub · 13/08/2015 09:08

Sleepless, I've just read your whole thread and I wanted to say how much you have impressed me. I hope that doesn't sound patronising. But you're fighting so hard. What a fantastic mother you are and will be. Asking for help, and keeping on asking for help. You are so determined. Your baby is really lucky. I hope you can believe this.

I sailed through pregnancy but had very intrusive thoughts about hurting myself and my DD afterwards. I was v resistant to taking drugs (sertraline) but they have helped so much. I also recognise what pp's have said about going forwards and backwards. A bad few days doesn't mean you're going back to where you were. Sometimes you can't see your progress until quite a long time afterwards.

Keep doing what you're doing. Keep asking. Don't give up. Be proud of how hard you're trying.

saintlyjimjams · 13/08/2015 09:21

Sleepless - you didn't cause any offence! Ds1 has developed terrible anxiety this year (teenager) - to the point I'd call it clinical - and it's honestly far more life limiting for him than his severe autism. His psychiatrist has been a great help to him as well. It's given me an insight into anxiety that I just never had & I feel for anyone having to live with high anxiety levels. Please do take care of yourself - it can be helped albeit it can take some time. I suspect like him, your anxiety has an element of being driven by hormones. Blasted things!

Oh one thing I am trying with him is probiotics & saccromyces - they helped when he was younger & there is increasing evidence that gut bacteria can affect mood & anxiety. I figure it won't do any harm in any case.

SerendipityDooDah · 13/08/2015 09:38

So glad to hear you're feeling a bit better!

In terms of risk, I think "teeny if existent " and "small shift in normal distribution" mean so small as to be insignificant. You're right that if it were a big enough number then they'd be able to clearly articulate it.

I wonder if some of this is about the very natural desire to control risks related to our children -- you want to understand and quantify the risk to see if it's something you need to worry about and, if so, figure out how to protect your baby from it. I was somewhat similar with my anxiety. I was wracked with worry about something happening to my DS; I felt I'd exposed myself to a loss I couldn't bear, so I was consumed with fear and desperate to avoid it. I won't lie; it took me a couple of years to settle down in that regard to what I feel is "normal" maternal protectiveness rather than the hysteria and near obsession I felt early days. But what has helped is focusing on the fact that trying to control the uncontrollable is futile and just stresses me and everyone else out. More importantly, it makes me miss out on a whole lot of joy. In your situation, you are seeking to control all risk to your baby from your anxiety, so while you're relieved that the risk is incredibly small, you're still worried about it and looking to quantify/control that teeny risk. Trouble is, that's going to lead you right back down the anxiety rabbit hole.

I have been told that anxiety is in some ways an attempt to ward off future sadness/anguish/disappointment by anticipating it and feeling it now. In reality, that never works. You won't be less upset down the road; you'll just end up being upset twice. That's where the mindfulness and headspace stuff can actually help, as it helps you shift to feeling today's feelings and experience their joy.

I wish you a joyful day today, with a hand on your growing belly feeling the magical creature inside you moving and developing into the person who will bring you so much love and happiness. Breathe and try to revel in it today, knowing you are taking care of yourself and therefore him. If thoughts of worry or risk pop up, say hello to them. Out loud. Sigh and roll your eyes at them for being such pains. (Yes, I have done this!) And then politely tell them to move on, because you are busy being joyful.

Looking forward to your next update!

Kangaroosjump · 13/08/2015 13:44

Hi sleepless!

How are you feeling today?

It sounds like your anxiety is just grabbing on to what it can... Mine does that too. You can find out all the statistics and sometimes reassure it but then it finds something else to focus on and once it gets hooked on the trying to prevent things such as autism which we honestly don't know for sure how it works even in this wonderful age of science, in my experience it never ends. I told you in my PM how it's taken me years to accept it is actually my anxiety that's the problem rather than the things Iv feared.

The Group b strep, anxiety, depression, EMCS, vaccines, pollution, EMFs, genetic risk in my family, tooth fillings, ultrasounds and so on that I have spent my last 4 years obsessing over have had NO effect that I can see on my DS. In sharp contrast to my anxiety that has prevented me enjoying many many moments. Some of the things iv had anxiety over probably seem bizarre and utterly stupid to some people, but the fear is real to me and tbh it comes and goes, my DH just humours me with it but he has gone as far as to say that all I have to do is read the news and i alter my life at my own expense therefore he's cutting my access to the Internet to protect me in a future pregnancy.

I know exactly what you mean, it's not really anything to do with fearing having a child with challenges, your child is always perfect regardless of any challenges that come with them, it's EVERYTHING to do with not wanting to be responsible for challenges that child may face and hold the guilt for it based on a false thought that we have some inside knowledge of what will cause something in OUR child despite we don't think it for anybody else's! Autism has a legacy of mum blame, as does schizophrenia but it's not something currently in anyone's control and likely never will be. We know this in our rational minds, but our anxiety doesn't pay mind to rationality. I think anxiety is just a really vulnerable state and once there one anxiety breeds another. The reality of it is that they could announce on the news later today that they've figured out every single cause of autism and by tomorrow, you and I would worry about something different.

I'm trying hard to make peace with the fact that I can either not have another baby and avoid all risks that come with it, or I can have another and accept that my role as a parent means I have to take those risks on my child's behalf but that child won't exist unless I do take them. For some people it's easy to accept, and come to terms with. For people with anxiety we need to train our minds to accept it by actively working on what we feed our thoughts with. It irritates me to know this though! Grin

Can you set a goal of only feeding positive things to yourself, maybe a day of only enjoyable things? The moment something feels bad to you, stop it and choose another thing to focus on. I found it impossible at first but then my counsellor told me I could have a worry hour once a day and I HAD to worry in that hour so to save up my worries to worry in that hour I chose. Going from positive to fear and worry for an hour is actually much harder than you imagine but I think pregnancy is so susceptible for bringing on anxiety especially if it was difficult conceiving as your already in a state of wondering if it will ever happen for you (I had problems conceiving but conceived naturally with DS and im still in shock tbh!)

Kangaroosjump · 13/08/2015 13:45

Crap! I meant to PM, sorry for essay on thread! Blush

notquitegrownup2 · 13/08/2015 14:12

Hello Sleepless

I recognised you from your earlier posts too, and am so glad that you were able to come back to MN for more words of reassurance and wisdom. I am another one who recognises all of the symptoms you describe, as well as recognising the wisdom of all the advice you have been given. I didn't have MN to advise me, so muddled along, not realising that pre and post natal anxiety were even a real thing! If my experience is anything to go by, pregnancy and the first weeks of having a baby were the worst for the anxiety. It gradually settled down over time, and I think that I am pretty laid back now.

Wishing you well for the rest of your pregnancy. It sounds as if you have a good therapist/specialist there. Keep on coming back to MN if you need to.

PS - Slight risk means that - really, really small - ie not worth worrying about. So as a non-expert I would say less than 1%, rather than more. HTH