suicidal

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I can't do this any more. I thought things were ok or getting better, i've been doing therapy, going into work and almost feeling human or at least neutral or numb to anxious. Now, out of the blue all my fears and feelings are back. The GP can't see me til Friday which is an improvement at least on never which it was before, (not joking, live in East Finchley and seems impossible to ever be seen) the team I am seeing at UCLH tmrw can't do prescriptions and I am spending 500 pounds we 100% do not have to see someone privately tomorrow morning in hope he can do something but honestly no idea what as already in therapy and last GP told me, word for word, that any meds in pregnancy would be poison. I am so, so sure I have harmed this baby beyond hope with all my horrible stupid slef induglent feelings and I am really really trying to fix myself but keep failing and so sorry for all my friends family and poor poor dh. I can't bear for his life to be ruined by forever being married to this mess and then to take responsibility for raising a child who has problems I have caused and cannot take care of as I know I will be such a mess. Only thing can think to do is end it but don't think work life insurance applies in these cases and he would be on his own and then without a house and it would break his heart and my mother so can't see what to do. am beyond desperate and can't see any way out. Samaritans are so kind but really not able to help obviously as this is all hopeless. No idea why even posting here other than that everyone has been so kind before. Got self into this stupid anxiety cycle from the start by being irresponsible and just so so full of regret, remorse and self loathing I really can't go on. What can I do?

Sleepless, sweetheart, please do not hesitate to go to your nearest A&E tonight if you are struggling. They can and will help you.

I had severe postpartum anxiety, as well as a very anxious pregnancy, and very well remember the terror and kinds of worries you describe. Nights, for some reason, were worse -- thus my plea that if you have a hard time tonight don't feel you have to wait until your appointment tomorrow for help.

Hand on heart, it does get better. There are medicines that can help without endangering the baby. Please take care of yourself. Loads of people on here pulling for you and your DH as well, I'm sure.

And by the way, your concerns for your baby are conclusive proof that you're a good mum! You are looking out for your child's welfare already. Researching is natural and rational. It's just really hard to pick out the good info from all that you see on Google, and my guess is that your therapist was just trying to steer you away from a source that might increase your anxiety rather than diminish it.

Sending you virtual hugs.

Thanks everyone - had hot shower to try to shock self into sense and feeling less desperate now so getting taxi to mums as don't think should drive and just going to try to switch off brain til tomorrow, thank you all all all so much. Keeping positive image in my head of baby's christening when I make a speech thanking mumsnet :) thank you xxx

Well done Sleepless. Remember A&e is always open if it gets bad during the night

Good to hear! You will get help and, as others have said, please don't listen to the GP about ADs. It really can be the luck of the draw as to whether you see a good or bad one. I was told a fair few 'facts' about fertility by a couple of GPs that my fertility specialist completely dismissed once I was referred to the hospital.

You are doing a fantastic job and I am so pleased that your little one is hanging in there.

Try to take 1 day at a time. This too shall pass.

sleepless, your GP is talking nonsense. SSRI antidepressants (except paroxetine which is rarely used now) are safe to use in pregnancy. Fluoxetine / Prozac has been used in pregnancy for about 20 years now and there for nearly as long, so there is good evidence. I say this as a consultant psychiatrist who was reading up on guidelines on psychiatric meds in pregnancy last week!

In general, we go by the maxim of treating mum will ensure baby is safe while making sure that any meds are necessary and chosen for how much we know about their safety in pregnancy.

Ihope your appointment goes well tomorrow. Try to let your mum take care of you and if you're struggling, please get help - you are precious and have a precious cargo.

If things are 'tolerable' and you haven't already, you could download some mindfulness apps or white noise or anything that clicks with you in the relaxation section - if nothing else, browsing apps can be a distraction!

Thank you all so so much, you're just brilliant xxx

Sleepless, you are already a wonderful mother for caring so much about that little baby of yours. And recognising this anxiety in yourself and taking steps to get the support you need. Remember that every time you doubt yourself.

I think trying to switch your brain off for now sounds like a good plan, I recommend crappy films and yummy food. You've got your Mum to look after you tonight and tomorrow the specialist will be able to help. As another poster said, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Lots of love coming your way from the November thread.

Excellent plan, Sleepless. Funny TV is a terrific brain switch-off distraction. If you do feel anxious despite some good chuckling, it helps me to try to physically change locations and do a brief task. Pop into the kitchen and unload the dishwasher, or fold a load of towels -- something fairly mindless but that will take enough concentration to stop any worrying thoughts. Then head back for more funny TV. That routine has gotten me through many a night!

Sleepless I'm so sorry you're finding it very tough at the moment. Your mum's sounds like a really good place to be, and the appointment tomorrow is the thing to focus on. I know it's no good me saying this to you, but there's nothing you've done or are doing which is in any way irresponsible (if there was, you'd be including most mums to be in that assessment) - you're anxious and scared because you care. It's out of hand because you're finding it hard to get perspective on things you've done, and the way you feel.

It's not going to be an easy fix, and I'm sure there'll be steps forward and steps back too. Try not to underestimate how far you've come already, and also how much your DH, family and friends will already think of you for managing to get to this stage.

One step at a time, give tomorrow's appointment an opportunity and be persistent about a second opinion on the meds. We're missing you on the November group, come back to us when you feel you can x

Sleepless I think Iv replied to your threads before, I think your the same person I told my story to about how I had extreme anxiety and my DS is now almost 3, and super cute, funny and typically developing.

I had similar fears to you, very similar - autism, schizophrenia etc all constantly weighed on my mind

Is it ok if i PM you with a few suggestions? Don't really want to share on open forum but I have some thoughts that worked for me x

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this again sleepless. I agree with other posters that if you feel desperate tonight please go to local a and e. Please keep posting on her if that helps too. X

Thanks so much everyone and pm away yes, thank you :) xxxx

Sleepless so sorry you are feeling like this. I have been experiencing similar. I spent yesterday afternoon being seen by psych at the Royal Free they changed my meds and really helped. They said any time I am worried go to A&E there and I can see the psych again. They were really helpful. There are plenty of meds that you can take during pregnancy which will not harm your baby. I did in my last pregnancy too and have a gorgeous, perfect little boy. The Royal Free is not far from you at all, if you are still feeling bad please consider going to A&E there if you can.

Not RTFT so apologies if this has been mentioned, but Sertaline is safe in pregnancy, your GP is talking bollocks. I've been told this consistently by my GP, midwife and mental health professionals - it won't harm the baby, and your mental health is important.

Get a second opinion!

Sleepless I am so pleased to hear that you have had some better weeks, and that you are still with us. Really please do believe us that these are bumps in the road and that better times will be ahead again, you just have to ride these storms. Very big unmumsnetty hugs to you my love.

I had a lot of anxiety in first trimester, it is hard to deal with, so hats off to you. Well done for getting some support from your mum tonight and I agree with other posters, if at any point it really feels too much, A+E or out of hours GP and insist that they help you and be explicit with what you are feeling. They will help.

Hang in there honey, being suicidal is so so so tough, but I'm still here, so you can get through it too. I love your christening image, try to hang onto it.

Sleepless, I remember your previous thread, you gotta hang on in there, well done for going to your mum's, it's best not to stay on your own. Remember if it gets worse a&e is always there. A very close friend of my friend had committed suicide right after giving birth to a gorgeous healthy baby, she had it all - great career, wonderful husband (they had most beautiful wedding just a year earlier), new baby, good looks... All due to undiagnosed postnatal depression... It only happened less than a year ago.

Please please seek some help. I know there's nothing I can say that could convince you, but you haven't harmed your little baby in the slightest. There are thousands of healthy babies out there born after much worse things during pregnancy than some alcohol very early on or anxiety and stress. I myself panic and worry over everything - that's just what it means to be a mum and care for your child I guess!

Good luck, hang on in there and seek help.

I am on fluoxetine for depression and anxiety and my gp has told me I can take it while I am pregnant so there should be something they can give you

Hi sleepless,

I've read a few of your posts and you seem like such a lovely woman.
you seem to be going through a lot right now anxiety wise - and I'd just like to reassure you that everything will be fine. My aunt suffered with bipolar and had a lot of anxiety, in and out of hospital with it and has had two healthy babies who have grown up to be very healthy young girls.
please hang on in there, it won't be long til you look and your lovely, healthy child and realise you've done it, you've made something so perfect and you've not given in to anxiety. Please think of when that happens and keep going. You can do this! You and baby sleepless will be fine.

I wish you the best of luck, don't be afraid to seek help if you need it. You seem like a very strong woman and I honestly admire you, you seem to have overcome a lot since your previous threads! Keep going!

Ignore any GPs who tell you that AD medication is dangerous in pregnancy, it is nonesense. GPs are not specialised enough to prescripe with confidence so always err on the side of caution with all drugs during pregnancy.

I am 18 weeks pregnant and am taking amitriptyline (a tricyclic) which was prescribed very freely by a consultant psychiatrist for serious treatment resistant depression. When discussing meds approprite for pregnancy with various psych consultants I was also offered a range of SSRIs, quetiapine or lithium (the latter I had discussed with a locum gp once when collecting a repeat prescription, they flicked through their little book of drugs, said I shouldn't take it when pregnant and that was that. with the consultants it was one of the first things suggested for me if I wanted to take something when ttc/pregnant).

I chose amitriptyline because I had taken it before and hadn't experienced any adverse effects, and because it's an old school med there is more knowledge about it. I have since been handed back to care under my gp who continues to prescribe it. Any healthcare professional I have seen for pregnancy related appointments has had nothing negative about what I am taking, and are only ever concerned with how I am feeling mentally.

OP, please get help. There are plenty of options for you. Get an urgent referral to see someone who specialises in antenatal mental health, a specilisr midwife or psych consultant, not just a general practitioner. If things get really bad for you go straight to a+e.

Pm'd you x

thanks to you all so much for your help and support.

Psychiatrist was fab, really really lovely. Said any area where medical debate exists eg whether anxiety can harm development indicates no conclusive impact eg opposite of fags and cancer and so any impact of anxiety I have or ssris quote "teeny", if existent. Also said that all researchers had to get funding and attention to get more funding and so perhaps irresponsibly overstated narrative around findings to tell a story so shouldn't pay too much heed to them.

He's written to my gp and got option of ssris on table but for now going to try with cbt, bloody meditation and headspace, healthy diet and sleep and see where am in two weeks. Said was worried about me but not about baby.

Hi Sleepless. I've been on your previous threads and I'm so sorry that you are having problems again. But relieved that the psychiatrist you met was helpful and able to give you lots of reassurance.

I was particularly struck by the comment that they were "worried about me but not about the baby". Hang on to that - the medical profession is not worried about your baby. Would it be in any way helpful to print out positive comments like that and pin them up round your house? I was thinking it might give you something to focus on, when you find yourself getting anxious again. Ignore me, if it wouldn't be helpful.

In the meantime, remember you have a whole army of mumsnetters standing behind you, willing you on. You are going to be a great mother. It just shines through from everything you write.

Hang on in there, one day at a time x

That sounds good sleepless, well done! Make sure you find a bit of space in the healthy diet for some and be good to yourself. name is right, one day at a time.

That's good you now have options on the table. Each day is a step,closer