first time pregnant and can't come to terms with it

[Peg123]

Hi everyone,
I am 32 and last week found out that I am pregnant (4weeks). It was not really planned. I came off the pill in January assuming it would take us longer to get pregnant and was hoping I would get pregnant next year. I know that one year does not make much of a difference but I just was not prepared for it to happen now.
In the past I suffered from mild depression and was on antidepressants for a few years. I stopped taking those last year and have been feeling fine.
Since finding out I am pregnant I have been feeling really low and can't get excited about it at all. I have been very teary and emotional and I thinking it is more than just my hormones. I have been thinking about abortion but I know I wouldn't be able to do it and have now started to think that I would be happy if I had a miscarriage. I feel horrible for even thinking that!!!!! I am literally scared about everything. I love my job and I am extremely worried that somehow being a mom will stop me from doing my job as well as I do it now. I am worried that I won't bond with my child, that I somehow won't love it and will resent it. I am scared of being stuck at home all day and feeling alone. I only have one sister who lives abroad and I would normally go and visit her every 6/7 weeks and with a baby it is going to be much harder. I am very worried that I will feel like this for the next 8 months... My husband has been very supportive and he's always wanted a family. We are going away for two weeks on our holiday this Saturday which I feel is going to be spoiled by my pregnancy.

You came off the pill but the pregnancy "wasn't really planned"??? What more did you think you'd need to do to plan it?!

I'm sure it's just your hormones and everyone gets feelings like this. It's. A big change to your life but with a supportive husband you will be absolutely fine.

With a few exceptions almost everyone I know who's started 'not not trying', ie coming off the the pill but not seriously thinking anything would happen, has fallen pregnant very quickly!

Firstly, don't panic op because it's still very early, and it's natural to feel a bit shocked and anxious even if in a general sense this is something you were planning. It could be, given your history of depression, that you're feeling this way because a situation has happened which is out of you control?

Give yourself time to come to terms with it, don't beat yourself up for feeling a certain way - there's no right or wrong way to feel - and with the right support you'll be fine. I'm sure lots of people feel exactly the same as you do!

OP, did you actually want to come off the pill or did you do it because you knew your husband wanted a child?

No, I wanted to come off the pill and it seemed right then. I never thought that this would be my reaction!

OP,I could have written your post 4.5 years ago, I went to see a councellor which really helped. If you have the funds available do try to see someone. (I now have a lovely 4 yr old)

I'm 32, I came off the pill last august. I'm adding this comment whilst breastfeeding my newborn. I fell pregnant quicker than I thought, but I hate to say this, it wasn't exactly unexpected given we weren't using any contraception. However, I was a bit dazed for a few days before excitement kicked in.

You mention being worried about your job and visiting your sister - what is the difference of having a baby in 8 months compared to a year time when you had expected to fall pregnant in relation to these?

Other than not being able to drink your holiday needn't be ruined (unless, morning sickness kicks in but hopefully you'll avoid it plus it commonly starts at 6 weeks).

As others say, you need time to come to terms with it. The best advice i can give is to discuss your feelings with your husband.

Trust me you wouldn't be happy if you had a miscarriage. I've had a 3 and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I think you need to talk to your husband. If it was the right time to come off the pill then there was a chance of becoming pregnant.

Maybe a counsellor would help

Lunastarfish, I know one year wouldn't make any difference. It just feels that maybe I/we have not thought everything through. I generally like to have a solution to everything and at the moment it seems it is too much for me to cope with.
Brummiegirl15 I did not mean to offend you or anyone for that matter. I feel absolutely horrible for even having thoughts like this.

You could have been me op! Decided to 'try without trying', fell pregnant in two cycles. The shock kind of left me numb, thought I had more time to think about it all (I wanted it, but the concept becomes far more 'real' when it actually happens!). I think early hormones bring out a depressive phase as well, body kind of goes crazy on you even with minimum symptoms. I felt much better about 8-10 weeks, and I know its a cliché, but seeing everything at the 12 scan put most of my doubts aside. I still have freakouts now, at 32 weeks, but I just remaining myself - just because things are going to be different, doesn't mean it's going to be bad. Oh, and find someone to talk to, I had a good friend that I reeled off all my worries to, made me feel better just talking out loud about them!

OP, it's not uncommon to feel like this at first. It would be a good idea to see your GP, and maybe discuss antidepressants again (there are some which are safe to take during pregnancy), or talk about counseling.

It's easy to think that you'd have been more prepared in a year's time, but in reality it's unlikely that you would! Many women feel very unready when they get pregnant, but once the idea settles in, you'll likely feel much more positive.

Look after yourself and enjoy your holiday.

I know how you feel about perhaps not thinking things through. I'd been broody for a while and my DP out of the blue LST august suggested trying. I only had one week left of my pill so I finished the pack then in October I found out I was pregnant. Sometimes I do question whether we were a bit laissez faire ( especially as my job was only fixed term and ended when i was 30 weeks) but I have a newborn now and things are great.

I felt a bit like this early on. Was really shocked to get preggers so quickly and also love my job and life so much as it is. But now at 24 weeks I'm really starting to bond with the wriggly person inside me and look forward to meeting them. I still love my job but not terrified about the prospect of some time out.

Pregnancy is a long enough time for you to go through a huge range of emotions - anger, denial, anxiety (actually that one seems to stay), excitement, fear. But I found it helped at the start just to take each day as it comes and try not to look too far ahead. Who knows what might happen. And just remember to be sensitive to people who have been trying for ages - I ended up accidentally being quite insensitive about how quickly it happened when I started telling people.

The good thing about pregnancy is that it lasts 9 months. Mentally I'm a lot more prepared now than I was when I got my BFP and I still have two months to go. No one has all the answers at 4 weeks! It sounds like you're just really scared, which is normal. You went off the pill in January so if you're 4 weeks now it means you got pregnant in July. That's hardly quick. If it had been a year I bet you'd have the same feelings. Sometimes it takes the pregnancy itself to make everything seem real. Good luck!

As others have said, it's very normal to feel more anxious than excited at the start of a pregnancy. There is just so much to get your head round. I would encourage you to talk things over with your DH and maybe your Dr. If you have something you want to discuss with your Dr, you should be able to see them any time, don't feel that you have to wait until later in the pregnancy.

When I was pregnant with DS I was also worried about how my job would work out when I became a parent. I am actually better at my job since having DS, because I really am more organised and focused when I am at work. It seems as though one source of anxiety for you is taking a long break from work - please don't assume that just because many women in the UK take 12 months maternity leave, that you should too: you could take 6 months, then your DH could take 6 months, or you can just do whatever works best for you as a family.

Forming a bond with your baby is something that happens over time. I think that if you are already consciously thinking (worrying?) about the need to bond, then you will be a great, conscientious parent who forms a strong healthy relationship with your baby.

Thanks everyone...
I spoke to my husband last night and it helped a little bit. However, I woke up this morning and felt horrible again, burst into tears and I keep thinking I won't be able to raise a child.

Please go to your GP OP,I cried constantly as I was sure I had made a massive mistake getting pregnant (and blamed myself for putting myself in that position!) I still wasn't sure up to the birth but had agreed to 'give it a go' . Everyone says it,but be kind to yourself and investigate getting some help to support you. Pregnancy is far from magical in my experience.

Hello Op sorry to hear you are struggling with news of your pregnancy. I hope this doesn't sound glib but it sounds lovely like you're overthinking things. I was so overwhelmed when I got pregnant but found taking one day at a time helps. Pregnancy is long and gives you time to adjust so I would say try not to look so far ahead, that always freaks me out. As my preg has progressed I've gone from being scared to focusing on the health of the baby and my own health and this shifted my fears a lot. There are roo many unknowns to think to far ahead I think. Hope you're feeling better soon x

I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling anxious again this morning. As the PP said, please try not to look so far ahead, and take things one step at a time. When you feel anxious, can you take a 10 minute break outside somewhere to get some fresh air?

There may be mindfulness techniques that you could use to help you with anxiety, and your DH may be able to support you in trying some out. You mentioned you are going on holiday - maybe you could pick up a magazine on mindfulness or something similar to read on the journey? Whatever you do, be kind to yourself.

This sounds so much like me. I'm pretty much your age, have a history of anxiety (still on citalopram), stopped taking pill a couple of months ago, started tracking my cycle 2 cycles ago and got a positive test this morning! I had always assumed I would takes ages to conceive- my partner smokes and my mum took years due to Fallopian trouble. But here we are! Feel free to send me a message :-)

Also, I think those who have had mental health issues are so damn strong and resilient from what we've been through. You can totally do this!

It's completely normal to feel so many things, not all of them positive, when you find out you're pregnant. I was shocked that it only took us two cycles to conceive and had an awful headcold when I got the positive test result, so that took a bit of the excitement away. I'd also just started a new job and was worried how my bosses would react, but everyone's been very supportive. I'm 27 weeks now and while I still worry about the future (who doesn't?) I'm generally pretty happy and excited to meet our little one.

I would see your GP and talk about whether or not it's right for you to take antidepressants again. You're going to go through a whole range of feelings over the next several months as it becomes progressively more real. Keep talking to your husband too. Maybe your sister can make plans to visit you in your last trimester/after the baby arrives.

Firstly echoing what everyone else is saying...go to GP they really can help and feelings like this are totally normal.

Also, you say part of you feels like you hope for a miscarriage and then when you think these things you feel bad about it. These conflicting emotions could potentially be your first signs of love and caring for the baby.

If your husband was hoping for a baby I'm sure he'll be supportive, tell him how you're feeling scared, that you won't love the baby or that you'll be a bad mum. Sometimes a big cry and a cuddle with some reassuring words from a supportive partner can work wonders. Good luck :) xx

I felt like this.....I was crying all the time and lashing out at people when they asked about me or my baby. I felt really low and even said I didn't want him. I went to the gp and she told me to get some counselling.....I have only been to one session and it's really not for me if I'm honest but when I hit around 28 weeks I was fine all of a sudden as if I hadn't been feeling awful for these past few months! I had apologised to the people I lashed out at and they recon it was just me trying to get used to my hormone changes which could very well be the case for you? but a gp is really the best person to talk to x

I went to a gp the other day (my gp was not availableand will see her at the beginning of September) but she wasn't very helpful. We thought about cancelling our holiday but in the end decided to go ahead with it. I'm really hoping it will help me...I had a little bit of a breakdown today and cried for a long time. Fortunately I managed to arrange a visit with my therapist but that's in three weeks. I'm really trying to be positive but feel very emotional and teary all the time .
Thank you everyone for your support.

I felt exactly like you, told myself I could run away, put baby up for adoption, stuff I wouldn't say in real life. it took me ages to stop feeling terrified, awful, incapable etc. and then I felt resigned for a bit, and then I got on with it. I still get pregnancy phobia now, and ds is nearly 16 . it all turns out great in the end, I just think it can be really hard to anticipate just how big a deal it is until it's real. I also have 12 year old, to prove it's possible to get through it enough to want to go again.