first time pregnant and can't come to terms with it

[Peg123]

Hi everyone,
I am 32 and last week found out that I am pregnant (4weeks). It was not really planned. I came off the pill in January assuming it would take us longer to get pregnant and was hoping I would get pregnant next year. I know that one year does not make much of a difference but I just was not prepared for it to happen now.
In the past I suffered from mild depression and was on antidepressants for a few years. I stopped taking those last year and have been feeling fine.
Since finding out I am pregnant I have been feeling really low and can't get excited about it at all. I have been very teary and emotional and I thinking it is more than just my hormones. I have been thinking about abortion but I know I wouldn't be able to do it and have now started to think that I would be happy if I had a miscarriage. I feel horrible for even thinking that!!!!! I am literally scared about everything. I love my job and I am extremely worried that somehow being a mom will stop me from doing my job as well as I do it now. I am worried that I won't bond with my child, that I somehow won't love it and will resent it. I am scared of being stuck at home all day and feeling alone. I only have one sister who lives abroad and I would normally go and visit her every 6/7 weeks and with a baby it is going to be much harder. I am very worried that I will feel like this for the next 8 months... My husband has been very supportive and he's always wanted a family. We are going away for two weeks on our holiday this Saturday which I feel is going to be spoiled by my pregnancy.

This couldve been written by me, right now. Please see thus and tell me everything went well! X

Me too. I was about to start a similar thread but chickened out. I only found out today but can't stop crying. I just don't feel at all prepared - I know it's naive but I thought it would take longer .

I felt similar things when I found out this time, I already have 3 children and was not planning a 4th. I cried a lot. I wasn't a bit excited even at first scan and my husband and I barely mentioned the pregnancy. We told no one until fairly recently. I resented that I wasn't going to be able to start a new career and work full time for a while. I felt guilty on my other children (as it turns out they're over the moon about baby.) I get really sick during pregnancy and haven't been the mum I'm used to being (I struggle cooking home made meals everyday and haven't got the energy I usually do, being poorly has made me less happy etc.) I too secretly thought a miscarriage wouldn't hurt me but I know now how wrong I was. At the 20 week scan my husband and I found our joy, seeing baby on screen and so developed and finding out the sex etc it just made it all the more real and bought back memories of our others. I'm cross with myself for knowing how much I love my children and not being able to be initially excited to be blessed with another but I believe its a normal response to such a huge change. Speak to a therapist if it helps you but my feelings have had nothing to do with depression or anxiety, I can't say the same is the case for you but be reassured that youre not alone. Xxx

I am so glad there are people out there doing this at the same time as me! I dont even know why it makes a difference.
I was pg 9 years ago and felt the same... i lost that baby in a missed miscarriage at 11.5 weeks. Just not active in the 12 week scan (which was a shock) and i felt like id worried it to death. I also couldnt say if i felt relief. My mum insists i was just numb although i did cry alot that day. So anyway... i left it 9 years because i was so scared of the anxiety and dread i felt. I feel like i only did it because i am getting to the point of too old (38).
Anyway...today i didnt have a panic attack when i wonke up and didnt wake sweating and shaking in the night, so i am celebrating that and hope its a corner i have turned. I have a new fear each day... from it being special needs ( i teach special needs so it just seems so possible), to not loving my parter enough now or after, to losing my old life etc....todays fear is twins. The possibility of twins is causing some anxiety today. I winder what it will be tomorrow.

I feel the same. I worry I'm too selfish for a baby, and that I'd miss my old life too much. All I hear is how hard it is and how my life will never be the same, and I think without a baby I wouldn't have to worry about that. But then I worry I'd regret it if I didn't have one. I know how awful and selfish this all sounds but I hope there are others out there who feel the same.

Exactly. I can't see the positives. I dont think im very patient and i dont enjoy the company of kids. I am worried i will not enjoy parenting and that i will be slack and theyll be a tearaway. I habe two jobs and i hardly ever stop, so when i do i just love sitting, having a meal and i enjoy my own company...i feel like i am grieving that life. But like you i think "am i willing to never know what it is like?" . But as soon asni found out i was pregnant, it was like i was put on this conveyor belt that i cant stop, pause or slow down, and i have no idea what is at the end.

I'm so glad someone feels the same as me. I'm so jealous of all the people who are over the moon. I also feel awful saying i feel this way, because I have friends who've tried for years to get pregnant and would do anything for a baby. I'm just annoyed at myself that I don't feel like that. I also enjoy my own time and space, and worry I wouldn't cope with a child. But on the other hand, it could be the most wonderful experience. I just don't know and I feel like I have no one to talk to in real life (especially as I can't tell anyone yet either). DP is a bit more excited but I think he feels a bit overwhelmed.

We really are feeling the same! Regarding jealousy of happy people and our partners being tentatively excited. I wonder if i will feel better when everyone knows, but i dont enjoy the attention.

What i tell myself, is tgose happy people are expecting amzing things and might be more shocked after the baby comes. For us on the other hand ...maybe things can only be better thann we think. I hope so. I am 6 weeks along so a while before the firat scan. Hoping i will feel better after. But i imagine itll just be another shick to trigger anxiety.

Yes! It's a big relief to hear someone else feels the same. I just didn't expect it to happen so quickly and now it has I'm not sure I'm ready. But I'm not sure I'd ever be! I'm also hoping I'll fee more excited when I can tell people, or at least when it feels a bit more real.

I really need to start proof reading my typos! Or stop rushing...

I would love to know how it all worked out for the lady who started this thread.

How are you feeling today Pn and J22?

Hope everyone is ok x

How are you feeling OP?

@pregnancynews are you feeling any better? X my back hurts...and im tired... and im just not myself.

Did it all work out for you in the end? I'm going through the same thing.