how did having children affect your relationship with your partner?

[lazyemma]

I am very close to my husband and one of my main worries about having a child is the impact it will have on our relationship. I remember reading an article by Mil Millington ages ago (before I got pregnant) where he says that in a child-free relationship, your partner is the most important person in your life, but then when you have children of course that changes completely. and if you had to choose between rescuing your drowning child, or your partner who is hanging off a cliff, it'd be the child every time. I know that's a bit of a fatuous example, but it did make me understand properly for the first time how having a child irrevocably changes your priorities.

I can't wait until we have our baby, but I also don't want our relationship to become just about being co-parents to a child. I was wondering how other people have managed this transition to parenthood.

I don't want our relationship to become just about being co-parents to a child

It WILL be like this, for a few months.

That's okay. It won't last forever.

The problem is that you LITERALLY won't have any time for each other, and when you do, you are exhausted.

I have a 1 year old and a 4 year old and have not had an evening out with my partner for two years (we don't have any family who want to babysit - although my mother's promised me a night out in December!). It is really hard not being able to spend time together. But in a few years that balance will change a bit.

Things will change - expect that. A baby will bring lots of joy and everything will be different. You will learn lots about your partner and (hopefully) fall in love with a man as a father as well as a lover.

Good luck!

Its great that you are thinking of this before the birth as I hadn't given it a second thought and yet it is really important.

I would recommend the book Babyshock by Elizabeth Martyn to buy pre birth. She discusses the issues that you are likely to encounter and how to tackle them. If you get it before baby then you have a chance of having a rational talk with your DH about it as post baby you may be a bit emotional for a while.

I found the first few months hard in terms of adjustment. My DH and I ended up sleeping in separate rooms to accomodate night feeds, I had zero sex drive due to lack of sleep and found being a SAHM different from how I had imagined it. 8 months on and things are much better, we go out for meals when we can get a babysitter and make a point of having family time at the weekend, plus we are back in the same bedroom !

You just have to keep remembering that you love this person and try to look at everything they do in a positive light, I think it was Steve Biddulph who said that the best thing you can do for your children is to remain together so I try to keep that in mind.

Oh and on the cliff thing, I think of this often and I still couldn't decide as I love my DH as much as my DS.

Good luck.

Absolutely MP.

It does change the relationship, but depending on your perspective and how you cope, it could be a good thing or a bad thing.

I found I have become even closer to DP, and he has certainly changed for the better since we had children (he was pretty fab in the first place). We do have less time for each other - undoubtedly. But the time that we do have we really value and dont take for granted so I cant say that its a negative thing.

The way DP is with his children is one more thing to love about him, to me, anyway.

I would say on the whole it's brought us even closer. From the minute DD1 was born because only us two witnessed it it bonded us together. You can walk away from a marriage but not from the father of your children. We don't have any time for each other now though and sometimes it is hard and I think DP knows that the DDs come before anything but he is an adult and he doesn't need me as much as they do right now. It's lovely talking to someone who is as mad about them as you are, he loves to hear about our day unlike other people whos eyes glaze over

i only had 4 weeks with dh before getting pregnant, which I know he regrets slightly, so maybe i'm not the best person to answer this.

i kind of persuaded myself that sex at 3 weeks postnatal was a good idea, because i was so scared of going off it for 18 months or whatever. 3 weeks was a bad idea, but i needn't have worried longer term.

The hardest thing for us is that dh finds it really hard to accept the fragmented 'And what happened then at work - Oh darling that's a lovely picture, can you do one with a train now? - Tell me again, I missed that - No a blue train, don't you think? - Sorry, you said that Jones resigned today?' conversations that are designed to try and keep them both happy and end up keeping them both miserable. I do feel torn sometimes, and I only have one child.

Being part of a babysitting circle has been really, really important. we're too broke to do much big-time going out now, but it means we can still go for a walk/the pub/the book circle or whatever.

And although it's v mushy, the experience of having a child together has been amazing. I get angrier with dh than I have ever done with any previous boyfriend, but he's also much much more important, just because he's ds's father. It helps too that ds is now totally obsessed with his daddy (nearly 3) and in a way I see dh through his eyes.

It's really, really hard. I've read loads of things that say the best thing for your child is if you prioritise your relationship with your partner, but in reality it is hard. Yes, I slept in a different room (different house for a while too!) from my dh for several months. As morningpaper says, you have to be 'coparents' for a while (and don't beat yaself up, as feeling guilty won't help anyone). There's plenty of time to get closer again, and after 1 year, that's what we're doing now. Also try and work out ways you can spend time with your partner together, eg. building friendships where you can babysit for each other, planning Valentine's Day in advance etc.

I agree with MP ...
It WILL change - no doubt about that .... but you have to bear with it ... and keep working at making your relationship work ...

I was gutted when I saw how things had changed with DH after DS was born ... I had PND which made it all the harder ... it was all very strange and bizarre. But DH was there for me at every turn ... at the time I didn't appreciate it that much but now I know he was and is an absolute star. How he put up with me I don't know, but he did.
We are still close but in a very different way. The romance is, um, patchy, to say the least, we hardly ever have time just for us ... it all very grown up and un-spontaneous etc but we do value eachother ... just on a different plain now really ... if you have a strong relationship you will grow together ... IMO ...
Sorry, I am never very eloquent when I want to say stuff like this (hence all the ......s - that's me pausing if I was speaking to you )
Enjoy your pregnancy lazyemma - don't let this worry you before he/she is born. And then enjoy your baby ... I wasted valuable time when DS was very young on this issue and if I could turn the clock back I would ....

bloody hell, all those posts ... I thought I was a fast typer ...

I agree it is really hard. I didnt expect to feel the way I did, but I was so emotionally involved with ds I just didnt have the energy or will to think about dh.

Personally I think it helps to discuss it before. We had agreed on who would visit, for how long etc so we were in agreement on all the practicalities beforehand. The last thing you want is a disagreement over to many visitors, or who will do the washing up with a new baby to contentd with.

Saying that, I changed my mind loads so I think your dh just has to go with it a lot of the time until the hormones have settled.

It got easier when we could actually sit and eat together instead of in shifts, and when we started putting ds to bed earlier than us.

when you emerge from the shock of having a baby it is a wonderful thing and you will start to feel like you are on the same team again.

fwiw, both me and dh would rescue ds from the cliff before each other and that is the way I would want it.

As others have said your relaionship will change but it can be for the better.
Yes you are both exhausted and at first all you can concentrate on is meeting the needs of your new arrival but it can be wonderful watching your husband become a father. I totally agree with VVV that watching DH playing and taking care of our DS makes me feel all warm inside.
It helps to make sure you spend time together as a couple but if thats not possible DH and I make a point of going for a drive or a walk with DS at the weekend and even if we haven't got the energy to talk, its nice just to be spending that time with each other.

Another thing that made a huge difference to me was that our relationship had been through a lot of "rocky" patches before, which we had worked through. That meant we had built up ways of communicating through conflict which helped IMMENSELY when we had a baby - when there are times of conflict pretty much constantly.

So if you have been together a while and been through some rough patches, I think you are better geared up to cope than a honeymoon couple. If you ARE a honeymoon couple... I think you just have to try and keep the lines of communication open, and try to talk through the conflicts when they occur.

exposed every flaw, every division, every incompatibility. Absolute disaster.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, everyone - all your posts have been really helpful. It's good to know that whilst things will undoubtedly change, you've all managed in one way or another. It's interesting that some of you should mention how seeing your partner become a parent has made you love them more, if possible - one of the things I'm most looking forward to is seeing my husband learn to be a father to his son or daughter.

As some of you have suggested, I'll make sure we do lots of talking about how things could change between us: I don't think this is something that he;s thought about as much as I have - he's not a worrier like me. I'll also definitely buy that book, rookiemum.

oh christ, sorry Bugsy - took me a while to type my post, so I didn't see yours. What happened with you and your partner? (if that's not too intrusive a question)

Lazyemma, please don't worry. I'm chuckling away here at your horror!
In a nutshell, my ex-H was and still is a very selfish person (probably borderline narcisistic) and he couldn't cope with having to share me with them. Pre-kids we had enjoyed an idyllic lifestyle of endless socialising, lots of partying, lots of holidays, weekends away - high dual income etc.
ex-H simply couldn't get his head around the fact that all of the above would have to be slightly curtailed. Took out all his anger & frustration on me & the children & bailed out by having an affair with someone in his office.
So, complete disaster.
I'm not sad anymore though - just relieved!

What a dickhead. It sounds like you're better off without him, Bugsy, and I'm glad you think so too.

lazyem, I reckon that someone who is as thoughtful about it beforehand as you, will most likely have no problems because it does help to be prepared a little for big changes like this.

I'm another one who feels it has changed our relationship for the better. I respect DH so much for being such a loving and involved dad and it's really special to see that happen; I love how much DS loves his dad! Going through such a major change together and having made ANOTHER HUMAN BEING together is just too incredible for words and how can that not deepen a relationship!

You're right though, being parents IS all consuming and you really do need to get some time alone together as a couple, out of the house if you can, as well......and there will no doubt be some really stressful times between you; it's not all lovely! There have been times when dh and I have been so stressed or tired that we HATE eachother! But the underlying stuff keeps it all together during the difficult times, which luckily for us have never lasted long.

we ended up skint for 16 years

It's good that you're thinking about this beforehand but don't get too hung-up on it or it could spoil your pregnancy/early weeks with the baby.

I was quite terrified of sharing DH with a child and I miscarried our first baby. I was very sad and upset but a tiny bit of me thought, "oh good, it's just the two of us again" .

Luckily my second pregnancy resulted in twin girls, so we went from just the two of us to four of us and it did change things, obviously. We were absolutely knackered for about two years but you get through it, just keep communicating, try and get a night out now and then and most of all let DH help out. So many mums I know have completely take over their newborn and not let their partners do a thing, so inevitably they feel left out. Let him get stuck in to the changing nappies, the feeding, the bathing, even if he doesn't do it quite as you would like . It will enable him to bond with the baby and bring you all closer as a family. Good luck

thanks again guys. That's a good point sandyballs - a friend of mine has a 2 month old baby girl and admits that she has got extremely possessive of her, to the extent that although she's agreed that her partner can take over the last feed at night, she finds herself slightly begrudging him even this one small task.

having a baby is such an emotional time, I was with my dh for nearly 12 years before ds was born and I was really worried about how we would change as a couple after the birth and I know dh was too.

Ds is now 8 months and we have a wonderful family life, of course there are times I wish we went out more, or ds slept better but dh is a wonderful father and ds adores him and this creates a totally new dimension to our relationship.
The day ds was born I fell in love with dh all over again! - oh sorry we need that bucket again.

It does change everything, but the few weeks just after the birth when we were all together were the best of my life (pooy nappies, sleepless nights and all!
xxx

Ds was a massive shock to the system for both of us when he was born. Before that we'd led pretty much a charmed existance - both earning a nice income, eating out 3 or 4 times a week, lots of cinema trips, getting up early afternoon at the w/ends and basically concentrating on numero uno.
Ds was a nightmare when he was born until we finally got a routine to take hold at 6 months. Dh's response through this time was to pretty much step back from the 2 of us - though when it got really bad he would try taking ds off to give me a break (often to little effect). For some reason I expected dh to be able to sort ds out when I was failing so badly and felt that 'cause he was as useless as me he was letting me down in some way. Suspect hormones had something to do with how irrational that is! I don't feel I recovered from having ds 'til he was almost 9 months old as a consequence.
Since getting ds into a routine, though, dh and I have worked really well together and I would say our relationship is as good as it was before and that I've learnt a fair bit about what kind of a man he is too (never gave it much thought before). It's taught me what a truely great guy he is - so I suppose it has strengthened our relationship.
Am expecting ds2 in 4 weeks and this time we've got our plan of action agreed in advance and sincerely hope it's not as rocky as last time.
Just keep talking to each other is my advice, especially when the times are bad and the chances are you'll get there in the end.

This is a really useful thread I think it's really good to consider these things before you decide to have a baby. My partner and I didn't and he left me! He came back but the damage was really done in a way...

more excellent replies - though sorry to hear about what happened between you and your partner, bluejelly.

This in particular

"we'd led pretty much a charmed existance - both earning a nice income, eating out 3 or 4 times a week, lots of cinema trips, getting up early afternoon at the w/ends and basically concentrating on numero uno. "

rings a bell - we've got the same financial responsibilities as lots of other people - jobs, mortgage, etc, but in all other respects we have a pretty carefree time of it at the moment. Last week we were visiting the friends I mentioned earlier. We were both pretty shell-shocked afterwards, by how much their lives had changed in almost every respect. That sounds a bit naive: of course we both expect there to be changes, but I don't think anything will really prepare us for the reality of parenthood until we're experiencing it for ourselves.

I wish i had thought about this when pregnant with ds2. I'd already had a child so knew what to expect but dh was thrown in at the deep end, he had no idea and it did affect our relationship

When i met Dh ds1 was already 3yrs old and was quite independant so when we had ds2 and dh realised the amount of work that went into having a baby he didnt have a clue how to cope. He was working until 8pm every night but instead of coming home to us he would go to the pub, not coming in until late. One time he brought a friend home at 11.30pm and couldnt understand why i was pissed off (ds2 was only a week old and had just gone to sleep, i was tired and they were drunk) I think he felt that by having a baby he had been made redundant, all my time and energy was spent on looking after ds2 while still managing one on one time with ds1, i had little time for dh at the beginning. He felt he was more useful being out of the house, out of the way whereas i needed him there. This went on for a while, we couldnt talk about it without arguing, neither could understand what the other was going through. After about a month i realised how bad things were getting when i read texts he had received from another woman, it was clear that nothing had happened at that point in time but it sounded like it was on the cards, especially if she had her way. I sat dh down and we talked for the first time in ages without arguing, we made each other understand what we were each feeling and finally we got back on track. Ds2 is now 3 and we are expecting another baby in May. Being pregnant again has brought back everything we went through and im scared it will happen again but i know the chances of that are very slim as this time we know to talk about it and not let it all get out of hand

I think that the fact you have already starting thinking about how the baby will affect you both is a good sign that everything will be fine, you each know things will change and as long as you continue to communicate with each other throughout the pregnancy and after the birth then you should be able to avoid any problems.