how did having children affect your relationship with your partner?

[lazyemma]

I am very close to my husband and one of my main worries about having a child is the impact it will have on our relationship. I remember reading an article by Mil Millington ages ago (before I got pregnant) where he says that in a child-free relationship, your partner is the most important person in your life, but then when you have children of course that changes completely. and if you had to choose between rescuing your drowning child, or your partner who is hanging off a cliff, it'd be the child every time. I know that's a bit of a fatuous example, but it did make me understand properly for the first time how having a child irrevocably changes your priorities.

I can't wait until we have our baby, but I also don't want our relationship to become just about being co-parents to a child. I was wondering how other people have managed this transition to parenthood.

I think it does often happen that the new father feels 'pushed out', and as if his only purpose is to pay the bills.

Do go and see what films/plays/restaurants you want to now. With the best of intentions, you won't have the energy in the first few months, and probably not the money once you feel you can actually leave your baby with a sitter.

Our situation was made slightly worse as my father died when ds was 11 days old, then 6 weeks later my mother broke her ankle, and had to live with us for 2 1/2 months after that. She went home just before Christmas (so I felt guilty), so I was emotionally a complete mess, and dh was a bag of pent-up frustrations.

We had to spend time talking, often strangling the desire to yell, slam doors, leave home etc.

But we did see it thru, and are now a stable and very happy loving couple (7 years on).

Nothing really changed between us we still laugh the same and feel teh same attraction to each other In fact I was expecting it to change more and it just didn't.We kept doing similar things and added new stuff that we could do with ds .Ds is 12 now and we couldn't be happier and I certainly don't think of us as just parents

Great thread, great answers. I have worried about this since the moment I got pregnant - particularly as it was more my idea, indulged by my beloved. We often say to each other, 'what have we done? All our friends hated each other before they got pregnant!' and we really do dig each other and want to spend all our time together, and hate seeing other people, and are obsessive freaks. Which doesn't sound very healthy, but is kind of fun in a selfish antisocial way - really, we're a pair of shut-in geeks who just want to watch DVDs and football rather than go to the pub. Obviously, then, the baby isn't going to change that so much. But I worry about my husband being jealous, or of us getting tetchy with each other due to lack of sleep, or post natal depression, or just not being able to lie there together in the morning talking. The answers on the thread have been great.

First baby due in April 07 and the change in relationship between me & dh has undoubtedly been my biggest worry (after baby/my health). Will I remember to be nice to him when I'm really tired??! I hate watching/hearing women treat their partner like a sort of 'facilitator'and household provider. I really hope that I continue to appreciate him properly (he's totally amazing - I know, that bucket's filling up) but I can be kinda ratty when I'm knackered...

And what if he loves the little D more than me?! Will I be jealous?!

Having a baby does change everything but you'll probably find that just as you used to share special things as a couple you will now share things as a family. It's worth making the effort to create those family times. My dh gets up early for work so rarely sees our ds in the mornings so at the weekends we have our special family time where dh gets ds up and brings him in to bed to play with him while i go and make the tea. This gives us a wonderfully relaxing start to the day and gives us both time to marv el over what a wonderful little man we have created. We hope to continue this tradition as our family grows but will have to get more talented at reading books, drinking tea, feeding etc all at the same time.

I echo everyone elses comments on keeping the communication open but bveing prepared for change is half the battle. Just make the most of the small things that are special.

I remember dh admitting to me (when ds1 was a few months old) that he'd found the whole pregnancy/birth experience terrifying. Much as he wanted a child, his thoughts & concerns lay only with me. He didn't bond with the baby for around a week afterwards (I'd had pre-eclampsia & fairly large blood loss but apart from that everything was straightforward).
The early days are hard for the man - Mum & baby inevitably the centre of attention, but he's suffering just as much from the anxiety & sleepless nights.
I think that the other posts re: thinking of yourselves as a family instead of a couple are exactly right - if you have a strong relationship already then you are about to embark upon the most exciting adventure ever. The people I feel sad for are the ones who have a rocky relationship and think that having a baby will bring them closer together - it won't. If there are cracks in the relationship it will probably be shattered by the stresses of caring for a young child. Doesn't sound as though you fall into that category at all, though! Just be aware that this is a scary time for your dh - you're probably just worried that everything will be ok for the baby, but his fears will be compounded by worrying about you. Have you thought that he may also be concerned about how your relationship will change?
I wasn't terribly bothered about having children - it was very much dh who was keen. Now I've got them, everything else that I did before having them seems relatively trivial - I wouldn't swap family life for anything!

nothing prepares you for it - you won't be able to imagine it until it happens. I have seen a different side to DH - he is sooooooo affectionate with DS whereas he really isn't a touchy feely person. He loves his son & that is something lovely to see. Me ... well i turned into a sleep deprived, wild haired loon for the first few weeks so was ratty, cross and continually pissed off whilst DH continued with his previous life!! DH was both shocked/bewildered/angry but now things have settled down a lot. You will both change - your number one priority will be your baby and not each other - i am glad me and DH did all those spur of the moment things when we had the chance so now it doens't feel like we are missing out so much.

It made it better. We became a family.

But see, when we married, we started trying for a baby right away. We both really, really wanted children right away.

We were together 8 years before we started our family - I was 32 and didn't feel grown up enough till then!

Sickeningly enough, it has enhanced and deepened our relationship in every way. We always talked about having children and wanted them, and we have got exactly the children we wanted - cheeky, bolshy, gorgeous, beautiful children.

I think if we were going to split up we would have done so during the really hard years, when we lived in a single room with a single bed and all our possessions piled up, I had ME/fibromyalgia, we had a serious cannabis problem and we both temped doing horrible jobs and I kept losing them because of ill health, we had virtually no money (and what we had went on fags, booze and dope), no support - it's a miracle we didn't kill each other. We spent a few months with candles for light and one sleeping bag between us , and another few months housesharing with a dealer whose "clients" frequently tried to kick our door in. Having children has been bloody difficult at times, especially the first one, but I don't think there's much that could break us up now. If we suffer, we suffer together, rather than separately - there are times when things are bad and we go into a little bubble, we we go into the same little bubble

It made us more tired and cranky at first,but it is the best thing we ever did! You have to take the rough (both up in the middle of night with screaming baby having an argument about how to get said babe back to sleep!) with the smooth,afore mentioned baby,now three snuggled up in bed with us,eating toast and talking to his little brother to be!

The important thing is to talk to your dp/dh before bub arrives(I notice you mentioned he isn't as much as a worrier as you-that rings a huge bell!)But do try to have a caht about what you expect-tears,tantrums and confusion!

At the end of the day,you love one another( even though at some point you'll want to bash him over the head with a stairgate) and you'll have created this little person together.

It'll be fine if your realationship is meant to be!(sorry if that sounds pessimistic-it's not supposed to!)

I often see advice to new parents saying, 'Remember to be a couple as well' - but I don't get it. You aren't a couple anymore, you are a family, and for me that's the most amazing and fantastic change of all.

I had been with DP for nearly 15 years when DS was born, and until then we had our assigned roles: I was the wild one, DP the steady one; I was the flirt who stayed out all night if I felt like it, he was the silent football fan. We both drank far too much, and I'd had mental health problems.

Then for various reasons I cleaned up my act and we had DS into a much more loving relationship. It was an absolute revelation: as others had said, watching your DP become a parent is the most astonishing, humbling thing to witness, however crap you feel. It might be slightly different for us than for some - neither of us works f/t, so DP does around a third of the childcare and DS does not have to be looked after by anyone but us - but I can honestly say there has never been more love, fun and honest reactions around here, even when we are having rubbish days. Which of course happen

The truth is, neither of us would want to be with someone who would even think about rescuing the adult before the child. Both of us love DS more than we love each other, and for us, that feels absolutely right. I am pregnant again, and the laughs we had fitting in loads of sex to achieve that as quickly as possible might not have been hugely romantic or sexy, but came out of an intense closeness facilitated by how much we love this other person. I am, I admit, worried about how the new baby will affect the dynamic, but I trust it will in the end be for the better again.

Apologies for mammoth post, but I need to add something. To borrow a famous couple of lines, which could be said by either of us:
'I could not love thee dear, so much
Loved I not DS more'

we bicker constantly about insignificant crap.

Love the whole kids thing though

Floating - oh, I quite see that is a totally different situation, and probably even harder to negotiate. Since having DS, I am bowled over with admiration for single parents, and if they can have new, successful relationships as well, then that is fabulous. A close friend of mine is marrying a man with a son, and it's been fascinating to see how they shift from three to two and back again, and how much talking they need to do to achieve that. But I bet there's absolutely no question who you'd save

Floating - yes, that's an interesting take on it. I think as well I forget sometimes the difference 15 years of a relationship beforehand compared to, say, two or three years must be.

Floating - ooh! That sounds like a REALLY interesting take on it

But it does show that if you both have enough goodwill, you can negotiate any situation. Which ought to be a comfort to the OP, I'd have thought

I find that we just argue all the time. We have a 2 yr old and 9 month old and the strain is just incredible. I am forever giving cuddles to the boys but when it comes to dh, I just want time to myself. I know that is selfish but I can't help it.