Midwife made me feel like the lowest form of life

[PedanticTuna]

I'm not sure how to deal with how I'm feeling. I had my booking appointment this week and have a truly useless and awful midwife.

She made me feel like a horrid person when I said I was a bit down as I felt a bit trapped and unable to be me anymore and travel as much as I had planned. She practically made me feel guilty for being middle class and aspirational as I said I felt I had let myself down by not achieving as much as I had planned and now felt I had time running out on me.

My blood pressure was a little high (I was anxious and she was making it worse) and I'm overweight. It was an immediate assumption that I was irresponsible and would need close monitoring and suddenly all these appointments were flying at me and I felt like an utter failure as a human. Before I got pregnant I had lost 1.5stone and again felt a bit lost that I couldn't continue that as I was beginning to feel more human again.

I didn't dare tell her about the real sadness and anxiety I was feeling as it felt a purely box ticking exercise and everything was being portrayed differently from how it was. I had no faith in her.

Now I've been told there is an appointment with her in September and that's it (apart from a scan) - no advice what to do in the meantime. She was more concerned that I would need a referral to alcohol services... I didn't drink heavily but very much enjoyed tasting sessions with friends and food pairings... Neither of which I can really do (I'll admit I'm a massive foody and the restriction on all the lovely things like cheese has really been hard...)

So I have been left in limbo with no idea what to do apart from a massive feeling that I'm damaging my baby and I'm scum. I feel awful for feeling like I do and mourning my old life and really don't know what to do for the best. I feel like crawling into bed and staying there. I feel ashamed of the pregnancy as I don't feel fit to do it and just damaging the child. I don't feel I can tell anyone about the baby as I feel so judged already (there was more to the appointment but it is just too much to go through again).

Has anyone else felt like this? And can anyone point me in the direction of anything to help? I'm sorry if it comes across as self indulgent whinging. I'm just so lost and not sure I want to continue with the pregnancy.

Not quite like you but l felt very down around 8-14 weeks. I was having terrible all day ms and wondering if dc2 would make my little family so different.

It's hormonal and ok to feel shit. Go and talk to your gp. They can help with coping mechanisms etc. Mine past and now at 30 weeks I'm so excited but l do remember that horrible feeling. I also had it with dd so knew it would/could pass.

Sounds like her "bedside manner" could do with some work! I'd try not to take it personally. Easier said than done I know.
Do you have a friendly GP you can talk through your issues with instead? I've stumbled accross a lovely female GP at my surgery and I find her to be an excellent listener and I now try to only see her if possible so there's a bit of continuity.
If it's any consolation I've barely seen the same midwife twice in my current pregnancy but this varies by area.

*My down feelings passed, not past

I came away from my booking appointment feeling like the midwife lacked empathy and interpersonal skills but I have now had a 2nd appointment which was much better and she concentrated on listening to the baby's heartbeat and asking how I was feeling. It isn't uncommon to not see the midwife regularly during the early phase of pregnancy. I saw mine at 9 weeks for the booking appointment, then I had my scan at 13 weeks and didn't see the midwife until I was 16 weeks and I won't see her again until I am 28 weeks.
It also isn't uncommon for them to sort out all the referrals that need to be made during the booking appointment so it can seem like a bit of a paper filling and appointment making exercise which can be a bit overwhelming and not what you expect.
Anybody with a bmi over a certain number will have referral made to see the consultant.
Anybody with a risk of gestational diabetes will have an appoint,net made for a GTT test....and so on.

If you really don't feel that you want to see this midwife again you can always ask for a different midwife.
A lot of your feelings are very normal. Having a baby is very much life changing and it's normal to feel a sense of loss for your current life.

Do you think you may have antenatal depression? Firstly make an appointment with another midwife or GP, and explain your feelings. If you do have antenatal depression they can help. Did they refer you or book appointments to discuss weight or alcohol or was she just throwing ideas? If there are appts booked that you don't understand asked to be talked through it.

It's normal to be anxious and mourn for your old life, it's a huge adjustment and it hits home when you start seeing midwives and having scans etc. Normal to feel in shock. It doesn't help when the midwife is an asshole.

Oh OP I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I had awful antenatal depression and anxiety. It's really rough. Please don't feel guilty about the things you're feeling, you're not a bad person at all and I think it's far more common than you realise. People just don't talk about it as much, and it's almost expected that you'll be all happy and glowing. But you're going through some pretty huge changes physically, hormonally, mentally, etc.

I don't know what the system is like where you are (I'm in Aus), can you request a different midwife so you don't have to deal with this one? Also agree with lagirafe and StonedGalah that it might be worth talking to your GP. It would make a big difference to you I think, if you could be surrounded by supportive and understanding health care professionals.

I suffered with horrendous antenatal depression from about 8 weeks. I was in an extremely bad place and couldn't see a way out. The light at the end of the tunnel for me was my midwife appt. I thought she would understand, be sympathetic, tell me everything would be ok, give me support and compassion.
I couldn't have been more wrong. She told me I was being silly, to get over it. That I was just one of those women who didn't get on with pregnancy.
I didn't get as far as telling her I wanted to die because she didn't seem interested.
I left the appointment feeling even worse because I had no idea where to turn for help now.
But I did get through it, DD1 is 7 soon.
When I saw the same midwife for my booking in appt with DD2, I mentioned I had suffered severe antenatal depression with DD1 and she brushed it off again. I was feeling much stronger 2nd time round.
I did go on to suffer PND though, and have suffered several depressive episodes over the last four years.
Be kind to yourself, if you feeling strong enough, make a complaint about the midwife, and request (demand) a new one.
It will get better.

Thank you for the responses. I have just been told there will be letters in the post and she wasn't going to bore me with the details.

I don't have a GP that I know as I only registered when I found out I was pregnant. The receptionist helpfully announced it to the whole waiting room too so I'm a bit hesitant to go back.

If the blood pressure issue is such an issue I'm not sure if I should be doing anything in the mean time. I can tell it has been creeping up over the last few days as I feel terrible but know it's only because I've got myself in a bit of a knot.

She did suggest joining slimming world but I don't have the confidence to do it and also was happily losing weight on my own by just really changing my habits and being a bit stricter with myself so not sure how classes would help.

I'm not great at group activities and outside my good friends I have no desire to join baby groups and other activities which is my own problem really. I suppose I don't really get on with people terribly well.

I shall hold on to that it'll get better over time and it will take time to adjust. And I won't be putting the MW on my Christmas card list. Ever.

I was also told she's the only one for the practice so I don't know if I can change. I don't really know much about any of it as my close friends with kids are all over the country and things were very different for them. I can't bring myself to look at the notes she has written but suppose they may have some answers. I'll book an appointment with the GP for next week and give myself time to work out what I want to tell them coherently.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the kind words. This is a new level of hell I've never been to and it is terrifying.

If you're registered you'll have a GP. It really does sound like you could do with talking to them, antinatal depression can be awful and you may want to get help/ support before the baby arrives.

Are you still drinking or were you drinking very heavily at the start of the pregnancy? If not I would query the referral to alcohol services- also possibly easier via gp.

The receptionists/ staff/ patients don't care if you've just registered. It's really common and no one will think twice about it.

Good luck

I had about 4 units a week before I was pregnant and not a drop since. Im not sure if she has referred me (def to a consultant though) as it was a bit of a blur. If I'm honest it is all a bit of a blur.

I feel so guilty as so many women would give up everything to have a baby and I'm here feeling nothing but sadness.

Sorry I should have been clearer. The receptionist announced the pregnancy to everyone in the room when I was registering. She shouted out 'well how pregnant are you exactly and why didn't you do this before' I could have died on the spot as was already feeling a bit unsettled about it all.

Perhaps I should just put my big girl pants on and woman up :) but I really do appreciate the kind words.

To be be fair, that doesn't sound like its the midwife. You need to register with a gp and access some help for what sounds like a fairly series depression/anxiety. Good luck.

I think maybe you were expecting something from the midwife thats its not for them to give.

If you are overweight and your blood pressure is high then they will make notes about that because its medically important. Its nothing really personal to you.

Maybe seeing a counsellor would be a good idea

It's quite normal for you to be referred to consultant care if you are overweight (normally BMI of 30+) as then you will need consultant care and growth scans etc etc.

The first appointment is basically a booking you in for what you need and making sure you have all the appropriate care appt - so yes all paperwork and appointments flying at you from everywhere.

More importantly though OP- sorry if this offends but - do you want this baby? You don't sound as though it's the right thing for you right now .

You really don't need an alcohol referral for that, so if she does then I would definitely query it.

It is really shit of the receptionist to shout out that you're pregnant. You have grounds to complain about that.

I second the suggestion of the nct, it's great to talk to people experiencing the same. I have a 10 month old and she is the greatest thing ever, but I miss going to comedy shows, beer festivals, getting drunk on a Saturday and sleeping all day Sunday and being able to go away to friends for a weekend without packing the world. Saying all that, I wouldn't change it and I have gained more than I have lost. I also know that it's not forever, I will get more life back as she gets older and more independent.

Oh and I cried when I was about 8 months pregnant because someone bought us a cheese selection and I couldn't eat the brie.

Dear me, some people are just so bloody insensitive (midwife and receptionist). Supposed to be working in 'caring' roles too!

OP, go easy on yourself. These kinds of feelings can come up for anyone at any time, especially when you're going through a huge life change. Yes, lots of women would kill to be in your position - that doesn't change how you feel or the fact that you have a right to feel this way. I'm so sorry that you have had dreadful experiences with healthcare in your pregnancy so far. It's definitely a problem with them, not you.

I cannot understand the referral to alcohol services - you've stopped drinking completely now and barely drank at all before! I would definitely query that referral and if at all possible, ask to see another midwife. You don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

PedanticTuna do you have a partner or family nearby? Seems you are feeling very alone right now and wondering if you have a support network at all.

Do you typically have anxiety related to medical care? Just wondering as you've only registered upon finding out you are pregnant. DH has this and tends to have very negative reactions to things said by doctors/nurses/etc. He was once very upset for weeks upon finding out that his blood pressure was slightly high. MIL is the same, anything from a doctor that is not "everything is perfect" is heard by her as "you are probably dying." Pregnancy might be the trigger for you to talk to someone about this, it's a very uncertain time with lots of new medical information and if you are prone to anxiety best to get help sooner rather than later.

Good luck

Please don't feel bad OP. You have nothing to be ashamed of. A lot of what you're feeling is very normal - pregnancy is life changing and no matter how exciting all baby things to come are, you also think about things you can't do anymore even if they're just small things.
Talk to your gp as if you are experiencing prenatal anxiety/depression they can support you, you won't be judged, and they can talk you through your options if you didn't want to continue with the pregnancy, but do talk talk talk before making any big decisions.

FWIW I had several wobbles in early pregnancy, I was happy when I found out I was pregnant, but I also felt trapped, scared, sad, for weeks and weeks. It's a strange mix of emotions and it's hard to understand them when you're experiencing them. It will be ok

Sorry you had such a bad time.

I had an awful booking appointment too, I've now been referred to be assessed for aspergers.

You maybe need to look into the cause of your medical anxiety.

Both of them were quite unprofessional imo though.

What was your bp & bmi? Difficult to comment if we don't know the figures.

I have changed midwife due to my first one's lack of compassion and her rudeness. I also see my gp regularly. I would ask to change midwife at the very least if I were you!!!!
I am overweight. I suffer depression. And I have a few other health issues, and my home situation is complicated. My first midwife told me at my booking in appointment, "Well, you don't look depressed." Fecking woman. I must remember to sob more in public and wear black clothes and an abundance of heavy eye make-up in future!!!!
Your midwife sounds utterly crap too. Please change midwives, you have a lot of appointments before baby comes, and you ned someone supportive and informative!

*and as pps have said, seeing your gp is a very good idea. Mine is brilliant.

It sounds as if you had a horrible experience op.

If you're now registered at a surgery then you can usually see any of the gps there. I wasn't registered until I got pregnant and they just gave me one of the partners as "my" gp but I've never seen her. Make an appointment to see one of the gps.

You need to clarify what your appointments are for. Call and ask. There is absolutely no reason to refer someone who drank so little before before becoming pregnant and none now to alcohol services. What is your bmi? In our area women are automatically consultant led for weight at bmi of 35 or over. Equally a high bp might lead to being cl. Did she mention an Ante natal clinic or anc at MAC (Maternity Assessment Centre)?

I think it's fine and normal to spend some time mourning your old life! There are things that you can't do now and sometimes it's better to admit that you miss them than paint on a smile and pretend everything's great.