Midwife made me feel like the lowest form of life

[PedanticTuna]

I'm not sure how to deal with how I'm feeling. I had my booking appointment this week and have a truly useless and awful midwife.

She made me feel like a horrid person when I said I was a bit down as I felt a bit trapped and unable to be me anymore and travel as much as I had planned. She practically made me feel guilty for being middle class and aspirational as I said I felt I had let myself down by not achieving as much as I had planned and now felt I had time running out on me.

My blood pressure was a little high (I was anxious and she was making it worse) and I'm overweight. It was an immediate assumption that I was irresponsible and would need close monitoring and suddenly all these appointments were flying at me and I felt like an utter failure as a human. Before I got pregnant I had lost 1.5stone and again felt a bit lost that I couldn't continue that as I was beginning to feel more human again.

I didn't dare tell her about the real sadness and anxiety I was feeling as it felt a purely box ticking exercise and everything was being portrayed differently from how it was. I had no faith in her.

Now I've been told there is an appointment with her in September and that's it (apart from a scan) - no advice what to do in the meantime. She was more concerned that I would need a referral to alcohol services... I didn't drink heavily but very much enjoyed tasting sessions with friends and food pairings... Neither of which I can really do (I'll admit I'm a massive foody and the restriction on all the lovely things like cheese has really been hard...)

So I have been left in limbo with no idea what to do apart from a massive feeling that I'm damaging my baby and I'm scum. I feel awful for feeling like I do and mourning my old life and really don't know what to do for the best. I feel like crawling into bed and staying there. I feel ashamed of the pregnancy as I don't feel fit to do it and just damaging the child. I don't feel I can tell anyone about the baby as I feel so judged already (there was more to the appointment but it is just too much to go through again).

Has anyone else felt like this? And can anyone point me in the direction of anything to help? I'm sorry if it comes across as self indulgent whinging. I'm just so lost and not sure I want to continue with the pregnancy.

Sorry I haven't replied to each message. My BMI is 36 (which I'm deeply ashamed of) and blood pressure was 140/80.

I wasn't told anything about assessment clinic. It was 'you'll see a consultant as you're at risk and you'll see the anaesthetists too as you're a huge risk and you'll need ... Insert long list of tests.... And will you accept a blood transfusion if it is life and death' I didn't get chance to take it in.

I haven't had a great run with medical professionals before so perhaps it is colouring my view now. I will go and see a GP as the anxiety is getting worse and worse.

I have a husband but I don't really want him to know how bad it is as I don't want him thinking I am unfit. He knows I am down and is being brilliant. My family haven't been told yet as I was afraid something might go wrong. I will over the next few weeks.

Thank you all once again.

Hi PedanticTuna,

Just wanted to say that I had very similar thoughts for the first three months I knew I was pregnant - months 2-4. I am 6.5 months pregnant now. My midwife was much "nicer" than yours sounds, but I still didn't feel that I could discuss these concerns.

I was a foody and a cyclist before getting pregnant, and it isn't that I drank a huge amount (for example) or that I particularly wanted to once I knew I was pregnant - but the loss of bodily autonomy, and the sense that the whole of society is dictating to pregnant women what they should and shouldn't do, hit me really hard. But it can be hard to talk about these things as you can feel that people are judging you and handing out a list of blanket dos and don'ts.

I was also not registered with a GP before I found out I was pregnant, and I have not wanted to join NCT classes - although this may change as time goes on and my skin gets thicker.

A few thoughts in case they are helpful:

• Regardless of your feelings towards the baby, how much the pregnancy was planned and wanted, or how responsible you are - this is a massive change, and it is normal to experience a range of emotions including anger. Try googling "the emotional cycle of change".

• It's possible to feel like very little of what one is thinking and feeling in this situation is socially acceptable. But our emotions don't know what is socially acceptable - they are what they are, and I think we have to be a bit kind to ourselves.

• If you want to make evidence-based decisions about your healthcare and lifestyle, then you have every right to do so without getting caught up in the hype. It is your body and your baby.

Good luck, and I hope it gets better over the course of the pregnancy. Do try seeking help for anxiety. But I found selected family and friends a better source of support than the NHS initially, as I didn't feel they were giving me a party line, and I had some confidence that they would still think I was a good person even after telling them how I was feeling!

Sorry you had this :( receptionists are like marmite - they're either fabulous or evil. It sounds like you've got some anxiety issues and I really sympathise with that - some good tips from pps about how to access help.

...being a little overweight isn't automatically an issue. You're at statistically a slightly higher risk of various things, but that's why they check your blood pressure and urine etc. so try not to worry about that. Pregnancy isn't the time for starting a weight loss plan. It is a good time to start eating healthily and doing sensible excercise, nothing crazy, just looking after yourself. There's a great book called 'feeding the bump' if you'd like some recipes.
It's also quite common for women who are overweight to not put much on or even lose some - concentrate on health, not the scales.

... Your blood pressure will be monitored throughout. If they think it's too high they have safe and effective meds for dealing with it. So try not to worry about that either.

...I'm mystified why they'd refer you to alcohol services for 4 units a week if you've not had any since conception. That's a low rate of consumption, basically one and a bit big glasses a week. (Tasting and spitting out absorbs about 5% of the available ethanol, if you're into wine tasting.)

They don't really give you much advice on what to do in the meantime - mine just said to me 'congratulations - now just go live your life as normal and I'll see you at 16 weeks.' There is advice out there - really the only biggies are take your folic acid, and don't eat/drink/expose to anything you shouldn't. There's a good non hysterical list on the NHS webpages.

What I think you need to do is get some real life support and some help for your anxiety. I'm not the most social person in the world and the thought of baby yoga/sensory classes etc makes me come out in a cold sweat. I'm also an expat so no family near and friends all over the world rather than local. You say your friends with kids are all over the place? Well that's what Facebook is for! Get back in touch with them. I'm sure they love to get a message from you and they'll be full of advice and support.

Overall, cut yourself some slack. You're not doing anything wrong :)

Some of those things you've listed are standard - that's what booking appointments are, they go through all the tests, blood transfusions etc. Sounds like midwife needs to work on her bedside manner but also in the nicest possible way your past experiences with medical professionals and anxiety are making it worse for you.

No need to feel ashamed of your BMI - focus on the 1.5 stone weight loss you achieved on your own which is really good work. (If you're finding the pregnancy food restrictions hard - bear in mind you may actually not gain that much as less cheese etc = less calories anyway. If you just eat as normal minus the things you can't, you'll be pleasantly surprised.)

Glad to hear your husband is being brilliant. Let him in. He can only help you if he knows how you feel. He can always go to the GP and any other appointments with you if it would help.

I wouldn't focus because honestly I agree it doesn't sound as though the midwife did much wrong- the alcohol thing sounds like a real misunderstanding- no way has she referred you to alcohol services for you telling her you drink 4 units a week and like to pair food and wine.

What I will say is I found my booking in appointment awful- I was so anxious I was on the verge of crying the whole time. I think it's normal
To be anxious in early pregnancy.

Personally if give myself a week to get over it and if I still felt down and anxious I would see the GP to discuss.
It's possible you can have your midwife appointments at children's centres rather than GP and are far less likely to see this one if you don't like her

Booking appointments - in my limited experience - are crap. First time I went in expecting a happy, exciting experience chatting about my hopes and dreams for PFB ( ) but no. You're on the conveyor of pregnancy - one in one out - weigh, wee, leave. And that can be hard if you were expecting a bit of empathy and support.

The MW comments about you drinking and losing weight seem to come from crossed wires IMO. If you started telling her about wine pairings etc it probably sounded like a lot more than it is IYKWIM?

I guess it has to be swift, what with the pressure they are under and it still doesn't mean that MW can't be nice, but I agree that it sounds like the GP is a better bet to access the support you need.

I hope you find some peace of mind Tuna. It's a very vulnerable, unsettling time but it could be the start of a wonderful new chapter, not simply the end of the old one?

I'm fat here :P (BMI around the same as yours OP), 22 weeks pregnant, and no one has ever commented on my weight beyond the midwife saying in a very neutral way at my booking app after weighing me, 'oh, you may need to be consultant led'. As it turns out, despite being a bit podge I am very healthy, so I've been discharged back into midwife led care.

Pregnancy is not the time to embark on a diet - there's plenty of time for that kind of thing afterwards. Eat reasonably healthily, relax, go for gentle walks...and change midwives!

Really feel for you. I never understand why people can't just be nice to pregnant people- it's a chaotic mix of so many conflicting, new and scary emotions it's no wonder so many of us feel so out of sorts and lost. It sounds like you were making positive changes that helped your self esteem and well-being and now feel back to square one with the added crazy pregnancy hormones and the whole total game changer that pregnancy adds when thinking about the future.

If you're able to give yourself a bit of time to really think about what you want and what's right for you I'd try to do that. Long walks, warm baths, baking, cooking (whatever helps you to relax and zone in on things that matter to you).

As far as the midwife goes- some healthcare professionals are awful at relating to people. That's her problem, don't make it yours. See how you feel about it next week and change surgery if necessary but try not to dwell on her inadequacies- you can't them.

The referrals will hopefully give you the chance to set the record straight. The totally unnecessary booze-based one will probably never materialise and if it does it'll soon transpire that the midwife got the wrong end of the stick.

In fairness- I think slimming world might not be too bad an idea. I went when I was two stone overweight and lost it all (and a bit more) and the plan means you can eat as much as you need to fill up. It might make you feel like you're doing something positive to continue your health kick and I found the other members and instructor supportive and friendly without being in your face or pushy. I HATE situations where I have to speak in front of others in a group and have always had a big problem with worrying about peoples judgement of me but I didn't feel that way at all with SW (maybe because everyone was there for the same reason and probably had their own hang ups).

Talking all of your fears, worries, guilt etc through might help to resolve things in your busy mind and bring some peace. I agree with others, see your GP and get a referral for some psychological intervention. I think the Dr might handle your case with a good deal of urgency given your feelings about being unsure about whether or not you'd like to continue with the pregnancy. You can't be stuck in limbo for long.

One final point (I'm sorry this is turning into an essay- I can't seem to stop!), try to be aware of how you talk to yourself in your head. Replace 'I'm a terrible person for x, y z" with "I'll get there, the right answers will be found somewhere but in the meantime I need to focus on getting through one day at a time, doing whatever I can to make myself feel a bit brighter". Cheesy- but sometimes you need to cut yourself some slack and focus on you and nothing else.

Keep us posted with how you're doing! :-)

With regards to the midwife bit- intended to say 'you can't change them' Sorry!

Hi Tuna I'm so sorry you are having a rubbish time.

I had my booking in appt and my midwife went through lots of paperwork and appointments with me as well. Plus I was asked the blood transfusion question so honestly I don't think she did anything wrong.

But you are clearly struggling so I definitely recommend speaking to your GP about support

Hi OP, I suffered from bad antenatal anxiety and depression during my first pregnancy and never really addressed it and did unfortunately go on to get PND after my son was born. I would say the most important thing to do is talk to your GP about how you are feeling - don't sugar coat it or pretend you are ok. So many women go through this and there is nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you won't be a good mum. I was terrified of telling my husband but he was so supportive when I told him. Talking things through can sometimes help you realise when your anxieties aren't really rational too. Be careful of that negative voice in your head too, try to recognise it as the anxiety talking.

I wonder if the way you are feeling is colouring how you interpreted the midwife appointment a bit? She sounds a bit brusque and not empathetic but nothing you posted sounds too out of the ordinary - booking in is a box ticking exercise and they'll refer you on as needed. I would definitely query the alcohol services referral though, she must have got her wires crossed. I wonder if it's worth asking for a referral to the perinatal mental health team in your area if there is one as they will be able to offer more specialised support?

Wishing you all the best

So your bp is a little high, 120/80 but you'll be monitered and it will be fine.
Your BMI is a bit high, in our area over 35 means consultant led. But it will be fine. I was mw-led last time but cl this time (due to baby's growth) and the difference is minimal. With one a mw tests your wee, with the other a consultant does it (actually a student mw does it, tells consultant and they say "fine"!). Either way it will be fine.
Everyone is asked about blood transfusions for them and their baby.
Everyone is offered a long list of tests. At booking in these are usually to check you're not anaemic and that you're not carrying any STIs that could affect your baby.

You've had a bad first experience with a not very nice mw. Have a chat with your gp about the anxiety. Talk to your husband. You're going through a period of enormous upheaval and his support could really help. You really need to cut yourself some slack. Your body has made a baby!

Sorry you've been left feeling so down after your appointment. I think booking in appointments can often feel like a real anticlimax as they are so boring and tick-box.

I have to say that my experience was being given a huge amount of info in a short time, including questions and referrals, which were hard to fully take in - it can be a little overwhelming. So I don't think your experience was particularly unusual in that respect, though it sounds as though the midwife's bedside manner left a lot to be desired.

My BMI was 36 at booking in so I was told that I was high risk and would need to see a consultant and anaesthetist etc. I was given advice about losing weight and offered a referral to a local service called Curvy Mums... I got the feeling she was reeling off a list which she was required to do for all women over a certain BMI.

It does sound that you are very low at the moment and I would definitely see your GP to discuss this - if they try to dismiss you, be prepared to stand your ground.

Perhaps it may be worth looking in to finding an independent midwife, or perhaps a Doula, if you can afford it? They can be really helpful at ensuring you feel listened to and supported and can advocate on your behalf if you feel unable to do it yourself.

Also, there are support lines you can ring to discuss antenatal depression - you don't need to be diagnosed, you can just be concerned about feeling low. Try PANDAS on 0843 28 98 401.

Hi OP. I haven't read all the replies but you seem to have drawn the short straw midwife wise. She could have been having a bad day, don't let how she made you feel get to you. I do think it sounds like you might have antenatal depression - it's enormously common, even if it seems as if every other pregnant woman is just sailing through it all glowy and earth mothery. I understand 100% about feeling deprived - I got really down about all the things I couldn't have while I was pregnant. It's a huge adjustment for anyone but you do seem to be beating yourself up excessively - can you perhaps see your GP and talk this through?

OP - she does a sound a bit rough and ready in her manner, but her job is to make sure you looked after medically during your pregnancy.

I don't understand the drinking thing, doesn't sound like you've ever had much so that' weird.

But the rest is standard stuff if you have 30+ BMI.

It doesn't sound as if you are very positive about the pregnancy, so this has perhaps set her alarm bells off a bit. I would make an appointment with your GP for a chat, because I think you could have antenatal depression.

Hi sorry you had a poor experience. I have had 2 booking in appointments and was very flat afterwards as for me it was the start of something we had longed for over many years and it was all form filling and seeing what needed referring on for.

And yes I too was shocked that despite being high risk for several reasons the sum total of appointments were: booking in, 12 week scan, 16 week midwife, 20 week scan. Plus the extras like a Glucost Test at 28 weeks etc. I was so nervous but the midwife filled in her forms, and that was it.

Hope the extra appointments were useful. I had to see an anaesthetist ( for medical reasons not BMI but same appointment, as I cannot have an epidural they decided so it was to discuss pain relief) and found it very helpful. So though the extra care - consultant and anaesthetist may sound daunting many people do not get the chance to see the specialists to ask questions so it can be useful.

Hope you find a useful gp as an extra.

I have my booking in appt on Saturday (currently 5+6) but because of my BMI, my age and the fact I have type 2 diabetes I know I will be under CL care. My GP appt on Monday made me feel underwhelmed so I can fully empathise. I'm paraphrasing here but basically if I lose the baby that's normal, if I don't lose the baby I have to be aware that I am high risk for the baby to have some level of disability. I felt quite patronised and that instead of offering congratulations she totally pissed on my parade.

So I guess I am prepared to be underwhelmed on Saturday as well. I suspect I will be despatched with a flea in my ear to the nearest Slimming World class. I know I need to lose weight but like you it does feel like the fact I've already lost 8 stone has been largely ignored.

Ultimately, I will do absolutely everything I can to make sure I have a healthy pregnancy and a gorgeous bouncing baby. We all know that our HCP's have a job to do, but so do we. I will need their help to get to the end of this journey but I also want to retain an element of control over my pregnancy.