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Original poster

Mother In Law being a Pain - Help!!!

52 replies

MumToBe2015R · 04/07/2015 22:34

I'm 36wks, only have a few weeks left now, & mil is being a right pain!! She rang DH today demanding she is coming to the hospital with us when I go into labour & that we need to pick her up before we go (like she's royalty!Angry)

Anyhow DH told her that's not happening, and only he is allowed in labour room (little white lie, I actually don't want her there)

She said she doesn't care & she's coming no one can stop her & she wants to be in the room when I give birth!

I'm so annoyed! Because since day one me & her have never got on, although my pregnancy all she's given me is grief, & bitch to other people about me! (As I've been quiet ill during the pregnancy, so she's been going around saying I'm not going to be a good mum!! Angry)

I've made it clear since I got pregnant I only want DH there, and he will let my mum know, she lives quiet far so will take time for her to come. Even though she will come she will be in waiting room waiting for news.

My mother in law doesn't no this though, and she said to DH today 'if I can't be at the hospital, then her mum isn't allowed'
She's doing my head in with all this pathetic talk!

What do I do?

Am I doing anything wrong?

Can I let hospital staff aware when i arrive there, as i DONT WANT HER THERE!

Help......!!!!!

OP posts:
2fedup · 05/07/2015 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hairylegs007 · 05/07/2015 07:34

Take him to your midwife appointment having explained the problem to her previously. Ask her to talk to him

contractor6 · 05/07/2015 08:01

My view is that pregnancy and child birth is something that is happening to me and my body. DH agrees 100% with that and hence I make all the decisions on birth plan, what to eat in pregnancy, how far I physically push myself. After the baby's born then it becomes a son/daughter and responsibility and decisions are shared. It is at that point that grandparents are created. In pregnancy my DM is more involved as its something happening to me her daughter and concerns are on how I am coping.so MIL can ask and feel kicks etc, but certainly not be at birth!!

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 05/07/2015 09:16

Maybe OP and her DP aren't the same age.

Nolim · 05/07/2015 09:29

It's not that he will get angry. I think he just doesn't like to upset his elderly mum. But also doesn't like to upset me, but feels I'm more mature than his mum & will understand!

So the result is that you get punished for your own maturity?! Tell him to grow a pair!

pollyisnotputtingthekettleon · 05/07/2015 09:46

Yes you are in charge. All the way.

Original poster
MumToBe2015R · 05/07/2015 10:04

Thank you for all your replies.

Firstly I've made massive mistake and used the term 'elderly' really shouldnt have! She's 60! Behaves like she's 90 & can't do nothing for herself, besides get dolled up! Arghhh she makes my blood boil!

Okay so had words with DH last night, he suggests we don't need to tell her when I go in to labour, and when baby has arrived he will ring her! Although he does say if I am in labour for couple of hours/days then after baby is born he's not going to tell her the truth & just say I had the baby within an hour!

I don't think this is right, I think he needs to man up & tell her the truth because when say she meets my mum or anyone else around our house afterwards this topic may come up! But he said I should ask my mum to lie aswell!! Wtf!! I've had enough of telling him now, and next time this topic comes up I am just going to say it to her! I don't care how she takes it, because I'm sick of stressing because of her all the time!

Me & DH have a age gap of 5yrs (he's older than me)

In everything else he's so mature & sensible, but when it comes to his mum he becomes a little mouse & lets her get away with things!!

I don't feel it's wrong for me to want my own mum there, so I don't know where she can have the cheek to say 'if I'm not allowed than neither is her mum' maybe because your a loose cannon & my mums not Smile

OP posts:
ejclementine · 05/07/2015 10:14

Probably my pregnancy hormones, but I would be telling her straight that if she wants to be involved then she needs to stop telling people I'm going to be a bad mother behind my back. I'd also tell her she wasn't coming to the birth, end of. I'd prefer my partner to tell her but I'd also tell her myself, and if she came to my house and sat there looking at me like you say, I would ask her what was bothering her and if she didn't like it she could leave. IMO it's better to be open and your partner can't expect you to have to lump it, when frankly it's his mum that's in the wrong. She needs to grow up.

bluishskies · 05/07/2015 10:16

I had my DM and DH with me when I gave birth to DD because she kept us both calm. I couldn't imagine having someone there who was just going to stress me out. Not to mention, after the baby is born, you want time to bond and stare at your baby in amazement. You definitely don't want your intrusive MIL ruining that moment for you.

Optimist1 · 05/07/2015 10:20

A reasonable DH will agree that it's DW's labour and she gets to call the shots about everything relating to the labour - who's informed/not, who's in attendance/not and so on. He will make sure that all concerned are aware of his stance.

A reasonable MIL (such as I!) will be informed when DIL goes into labour and spend the following hours feverishly checking that her phone's working properly until there is an update or announcement of a new arrival.

An unreasonable MIL will be kept out of the loop, because she can't be trusted not to appear at an unwelcome time. She might learn how to modify her behaviour for the next GC.

It sounds as though your DH is doing his best to do the right thing, but he hasn't quite got the courage of his convictions hence his predicted fib about the length of your labour. It wouldn't be unsurprising if he texted her at some stage during the labour to tell her, in which case YWNBU to ensure that hospital staff are informed of your wishes about your MIL.

Cheshirehello79 · 05/07/2015 10:26

If your dh is on your side, I wouldn't call her until the baby is born and your excuse should be it all happened to fast. Additionally tell labour staff as well - but she she sound like one of those people who might cause a fuss if she's invited there and left in the waiting room . So don't invite her ! You seriously don't need this stress from your mil!

MrsCaptainReynolds · 05/07/2015 10:28

Your husband needs to manage his mothers expectations and leave you out of it.

I/We are on good terms with my MIL and other family members but still only let people knew both babies had been born when we were ready to share. So no labour updates! With the first he was born at 13.30 and we let people know in the evening as it had been a long labour with a forceps and we needed that time to just be us and recover from it all. With the second we let people know within minutes as it was so quick and easy and we were heading home!

Giving labour updates just gives people the expectation that they might be more involved than you want them to be.

Your DH needs to learn to say No, that's not what we want. Over and over...

HOWEVER don't treat your mum differently in relation to the baby. I firmly believe both MILS should have equal access to the grandchild, unless there are compelling reasons against this. It's so common that maternal grandmothers get priority access and quite unfair. If you have a son, you'll understand.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 05/07/2015 10:42

To put this in the same situation
I am married to an only child and his mum and dad were 60 and 65 when ds was born.
I was having an elcs so we knew exactly what day ds would be born.
All family was told when I had a baby in my arms, I was having a major operation they didn't need updates.
So the only child, elderly parents doesn't wash with me.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 05/07/2015 10:44

Also both sets of grandparents were allowed to visit the day after ds was born at the same time.
I did let my mum hold ds first thou, this was agreed before hand with DH.

LastOneDancing · 05/07/2015 10:46

The main issue here IMO is not MIL. It's your DH fannying about to accommodate her.

Get your crazy hormonal pregnant person on, and give him both barrels about how her presence anywhere near the labour ward will have an effect on your stress levels, blood pressure and slow your labour, all of which can affect his child. Time to grow up.

Then let him have the arguments and tell him not to tell you anything more about it. If MIL doesn't speak to you anyway you can consider the matter closed.

Good luck to all the MILS and DMs awaiting GC on here! Some of my most precious memories so far have been watching my little DS play with his grandparents.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 05/07/2015 10:48

Does your DH know that if you get stressed or feel upset/ panicked/ anxious during labour that labour can stall? And it can make for a much longer labour, with more intervention to get it going.

And obviously, as soon as you have one intervention, the whole 'cascade of intervention' comes into play.

So if he lets his mother into the hospital and she starts stalking you and making a fuss trying to sneak into the labour room, how relaxed and confident will you be?

And so you have to be able to completely trust him all the way through labour that he won't randomly change his mind or try and deceive you by pretending he hasn't told her etc...

Please do make him realise how serious this really is.

LastOneDancing · 05/07/2015 10:48

Oh and if it helps, DH and I are both only children with older parents but there wasn't a sniff of anyone doing anything except what we wanted. My parents came on the morning, DHs chose to come the next day (love them!)

This is not an 'only child' thing.

elelfrance · 05/07/2015 10:50

i'm another one in the camp of "tell no one till baby's here"... your DH will have better things to be doing during labour than sending updates to worrying parents/inlaws, or worse dealing with ones hanging around the hospital!

Tequilashotfor1 · 05/07/2015 12:37

I'd stop the the arsey visits from her too.

It was why I stopped mil from coming as I'd seen her do it to SIL and it was awful. BIL and DP knew she was doing it but felt it was easier to keep their mouths shut.

I could see mil revving up to start that shit with me and no fucker was going to come in my home and purposely blank me. ALSO dp was not going to throw me under the bus just not cause the screaming and shouting mil normally did when challenged.

So I did it myself!

When you have probally learned to keep your mouth shut and pander to every whim in fear of being shouted at or emotionslly blackmailed it's really hard to put a stop to it. It's more harder than what posters think. It's ingrained.

That's why I told her to stay away and I did it when there was no audience so the crocodile tears and faux confusion couldn't start.

KateRaeganandMichael · 05/07/2015 12:40

Does she know your exact due date??? Try to be as vague as you can - say you've had a scan and they've moved everything either back and forth and then that way she wont know...

Original poster
MumToBe2015R · 05/07/2015 17:52

Yes she knows due date but may be induced early.

Yes definetly easier said than done, but I am going to have to man up as I can't handle this stress. Although just had lunch at Step-BIL and his partner made it quiet clear to DH about his mum!

OP posts:
FlossyCat · 05/07/2015 21:04

Your post reminded me about the hormone oxytocin and labour, basically how you need to be as relaxed and stress free as possible for labour to progress and that anxiety can slow labour down. Get your DP to have a look at this:
www.nct.org.uk/birth/hormones-labour
Why would anyone think they have the right to be at someone's labour, she sounds nuts!

TheOddity · 06/07/2015 08:10

This is labour. You're often naked, squatting, in water or contorted on a bed. No way i would be comfortable with anyone than dh seeing me like that. Never occurred to us to phone anyone until baby is born!

Original poster
MumToBe2015R · 06/07/2015 14:11

Exactly! Like I would want her there to see me like that! She must be mad!

DH it is! Already warned him, and will be speaking to on duty staff when I go in! Already made a note on my maternity notes! Lol!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumToBe2015R · 06/07/2015 14:11

Thank u flossy will get DH to take a look

OP posts: