Deciding on whether to have a baby

[bridieb]

This is my very first posting on here and I have been looking at all the topics titles with wide eyes!

I am 34 and have been having lots of talks with my OH about whether we should try for a baby or not. I simply just don't know which way to go. OH is trying to be helpful by saying that it is up to me but I'm finding the responsibility to choose for the two of us a little overwhelming and I'm not entirely sure that it is fair to place the decision on me! He has said that he would be happy with a child and with us bringing one up but would be just as happy with it being just the two of us. His reasoning for it ultimately being my decision would be that it would have a greater impact on me as I would be the one that would carry it and give birth to it. His job would give him 6 months paternity leave if needed and he is willing to help in all ways.

Now that I am facing the possibility of having a baby I am finding the prospect of being pregnant quite scary - more so than the actual giving birth part if I'm honest! I am worried about what will happen to my job (I'm self employed and it has taken me a long time to build up my client base - and although I would be able to keep some I would end up losing all of those involving me traveling to) and I worry about if my relationship with OH would suffer.

But then again, it's a pretty amazing thing to bring a life into the world, and then to be able to nurture it and guide it and help it to grow into a wonderful person.

But oh gosh - it's all very grown up!

Did any of you suffer from indecision, or did you 'just know'?

I feel a bit like a rabbit caught in the headlights at the moment!

I know how you feel OP. I always pictured myself with children when i was younger. But I am an incredibly practical person and wouldn't even think about it until it was the 'right time' . I actually wanted to be married and buy a house first, and finances were holding us up. We eventually did those two things but then i was still worried about money, time, child care etc. I just couldn't see how it would work. We talked it over and over and ultimately decided we just needed to go for it as time was not on my side. So I came off contraception and........nothing. No period for 8 months. Then regular but no pregnancy. Had been trying for over 2 yrs and started fertility investigations when at age 37 i got my bfp. Am currently 32 + 5 wks pregnant. You don't always get the overwhelming urge, and as for other peoples children, i can take them or leave them. Leave them mostly. But i can say that the prospect of infertility scared me and DH. I wished we had started sooner. The reduced movements i felt at 27 weeks terrified me. Other people getting pregnant when i couldn't upset me hugely even when i was happy for them. None of these feelings were expected.

Sorry for the ramble. Ultimately my age made me start trying and i am so glad.

Having had time to digest people's thoughts and my own reactions is really helping me.

I'm not particularly gushy over babies and the thought of a crying baby which leaks from every orifice, the sleepless nights, not being able to ride me horses doesn't fill me with joy, but they are all transient things and in the grand scheme of things will pass. The thought of having a child with which I can interact with and show all the things that the world offers and see how he or she reacts and to see how they grow into a person is what I would love to be a part of.

I have come to the conclusion (at the moment!) that I do want a baby, the thing that is holding me back is my work. I'm scared of losing it and objects guess being pretty much totally financially dependant on my oh. Im self employed and it took me 8 years to build up a salary with which I can live pretty comfortably and I have to come to terms with whether or not I can just turn away from that. I would get it back eventually but it would take a lot of time.

bridieb What is your job and why can't it be done with a child?

Sorry, I'm posting on my phone! That last bit about my work should read I'm scared of losing it and the possibility of being totally financially dependant ony oh.

Bridie I have struggled with the horse thing too. I had 3 at the start of this pregnancy. Had to have my old retired boy pts a month ago which was bloody awful. It leaves me with the easier two in terms of daily upkeep. But the one i ride is a loon so i haven't ridden since getting pregnant. I am really missing it!! Midwife said of course i could ride, but don't fall off......... My boy is not easy, and is unpredictable and though i have not fallen off him in the 7 yrs I have had him,.i wasn't willing to risk it.

My old hors however, would have been perfect had he still been in work - very lively but safe. I could still be riding him now.

I'm a self employed music teacher. I go round to schools in the county to teach. I would lose the schools and so have to work at finding new schools and working my way back in and building up new client base.

Nottalotta, I'm sorry to hear about your older one, I have two, one is semi retired with arthritis but both are safe and sane and I would continue with them for as long as I could but obviously I would cut down the risk and not jump and go for mad rides etc. And whilst it would pain me not to be doing so much with them and there being a period of time where I probably would do nothing riding wise I know in my head that they would be just fine, it's just my heart that would worry!

OP - your post really struck a chord with me. I am 30 and DH and I are trying to decide whether to have a child. I am becoming obsessed with the decision! He's very 'let's go for it' and I'm scared of timing it badly as regards work and housing.

Anyway, enough about me - but just wanted to say I can completely see where you are coming from. It sounds like your partner is on board with it but accepting that you must be just on board as he is. This is a rather different thing from him putting the decision on you. Perhaps think about whether, if he was saying he absolutely wanted them - how that'd make you feel. And also how you'd feel if he was saying no way. Which would be a bigger issue for you?

I think it's true there is no 'right' time - it's terrifying really but it seems that on paper any of us would be mad to do it! So all we can do is go with our hearts. I don't know if this helps, but I will be watching your post with interest.

Thanks bridie the timing for something so traumatic couldn't have been worse. Sadly, the reality is that the days to day care just got a million times easier. Not to mention the costs.

sapphire my DH came up with the genius suggestion of stopping contraception and just 'se what happens' ! My response was 'well clearly I'll get pregnant you dimwit' which I did, but it took over 2 years.

You spend your whole life preventing pregnancy that you imagine you'll fall pregnant the minute you stop.

There is never a right time and it totally turns your life up side down. The freedom of doing what you like when you like totally gone

But that said being a mum is the most amazing thing ever. I was not broody and fell pregnant by mistake but the love I feel for my 8 month old son is something I can't describe , when he looks at me and smiles it melts my heart

He is hard work and at times I miss my old life but not once have I regretted having him

Our life has changed, but for the better.

I could see myself with kids but never really knew when. I guess I didn't get to the point where i knew it was now I just got to the point where I had ran out of reasons not to if that makes sense? I had had all the holidays, we were financially secure, house was done, both in good jobs (I was also self employed with a good client base that I had built up and was reluctant to leave) We started trying then fell into fertility issues. It took a while But we have now just had our second daughter. It definitely changes your life, I was concerned my partner would see me differently and we wouldn't have time together. Well all of that is true, but not in the way you think. You will have times where you think what the hell was I thinking having kids but most days it will be the best thing you did.
This is only my opinion, but I don't think I would of been able to enjoy it as much if I was doing it on a whim, and just getting on with it, I don't enjoy it all the time don't get me wrong but it was an informed decision.

I come at this from the other side I'm afraid. This is something me and my DH have agonised over.

There is a lot of pressure on women to have children, I was feeling like it was something we should do, because everyone else does it. After unpicking our feelings on it, we decided actually it's not for us. Whether we change our mind I don't know, but to us, we are not ready for the huge change to our lifestyle that a child would bring. We are happy and fulfilled in other ways.

What I'm saying is, think about it and make sure it's not something you are doing because you feel you should.

As for comments about child free couples not taking photos on holidays as they have no one to show them too, that is extremely judgemental and offensive to be honest. Not having children does not make any less of a person. I have plenty of people to show photos to thank you, and looking at some of the other threads on here, having a child does not mean you automatically get a happy family and adult children to show photographs to.

Good luck in your decision op- I wish you all the best whichever way you decide

Hi OP. I'm watching this thread with interest. My feeling have been the same as yours. Completely all over the place but mainly thinking I don't want children. But then in the past 2 weeks I've changed my mind...I think! Anyway DH and I have said we will 'see what happens' when we we don't use protection!!

Olivia, great to hear from the other side so to speak. I did for several years think I didn't want children. Do you mind me asking how old you are? I ask because I feel a little bit of pressure due to my age.

I spoke to a guy at work, him and his wife decided to be child free and he said they have never regretted it, have a great life and are both taking early retirement.