Deciding on whether to have a baby

[bridieb]

This is my very first posting on here and I have been looking at all the topics titles with wide eyes!

I am 34 and have been having lots of talks with my OH about whether we should try for a baby or not. I simply just don't know which way to go. OH is trying to be helpful by saying that it is up to me but I'm finding the responsibility to choose for the two of us a little overwhelming and I'm not entirely sure that it is fair to place the decision on me! He has said that he would be happy with a child and with us bringing one up but would be just as happy with it being just the two of us. His reasoning for it ultimately being my decision would be that it would have a greater impact on me as I would be the one that would carry it and give birth to it. His job would give him 6 months paternity leave if needed and he is willing to help in all ways.

Now that I am facing the possibility of having a baby I am finding the prospect of being pregnant quite scary - more so than the actual giving birth part if I'm honest! I am worried about what will happen to my job (I'm self employed and it has taken me a long time to build up my client base - and although I would be able to keep some I would end up losing all of those involving me traveling to) and I worry about if my relationship with OH would suffer.

But then again, it's a pretty amazing thing to bring a life into the world, and then to be able to nurture it and guide it and help it to grow into a wonderful person.

But oh gosh - it's all very grown up!

Did any of you suffer from indecision, or did you 'just know'?

I feel a bit like a rabbit caught in the headlights at the moment!

[shouldIshouldntI99]

Hi OP. I'm watching this thread with interest. My feeling have been the same as yours. Completely all over the place but mainly thinking I don't want children. But then in the past 2 weeks I've changed my mind...I think! Anyway DH and I have said we will 'see what happens' when we we don't use protection!!

Olivia, great to hear from the other side so to speak. I did for several years think I didn't want children. Do you mind me asking how old you are? I ask because I feel a little bit of pressure due to my age.

I spoke to a guy at work, him and his wife decided to be child free and he said they have never regretted it, have a great life and are both taking early retirement.

[OliviaBenson]

I come at this from the other side I'm afraid. This is something me and my DH have agonised over.

There is a lot of pressure on women to have children, I was feeling like it was something we should do, because everyone else does it. After unpicking our feelings on it, we decided actually it's not for us. Whether we change our mind I don't know, but to us, we are not ready for the huge change to our lifestyle that a child would bring. We are happy and fulfilled in other ways.

What I'm saying is, think about it and make sure it's not something you are doing because you feel you should.

As for comments about child free couples not taking photos on holidays as they have no one to show them too, that is extremely judgemental and offensive to be honest. Not having children does not make any less of a person. I have plenty of people to show photos to thank you, and looking at some of the other threads on here, having a child does not mean you automatically get a happy family and adult children to show photographs to.

Good luck in your decision op- I wish you all the best whichever way you decide

[plannedshock]

I could see myself with kids but never really knew when. I guess I didn't get to the point where i knew it was now I just got to the point where I had ran out of reasons not to if that makes sense? I had had all the holidays, we were financially secure, house was done, both in good jobs (I was also self employed with a good client base that I had built up and was reluctant to leave) We started trying then fell into fertility issues. It took a while But we have now just had our second daughter. It definitely changes your life, I was concerned my partner would see me differently and we wouldn't have time together. Well all of that is true, but not in the way you think. You will have times where you think what the hell was I thinking having kids but most days it will be the best thing you did.
This is only my opinion, but I don't think I would of been able to enjoy it as much if I was doing it on a whim, and just getting on with it, I don't enjoy it all the time don't get me wrong but it was an informed decision.

[Salene]

There is never a right time and it totally turns your life up side down. The freedom of doing what you like when you like totally gone

But that said being a mum is the most amazing thing ever. I was not broody and fell pregnant by mistake but the love I feel for my 8 month old son is something I can't describe , when he looks at me and smiles it melts my heart

He is hard work and at times I miss my old life but not once have I regretted having him

Our life has changed, but for the better.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Thanks bridie the timing for something so traumatic couldn't have been worse. Sadly, the reality is that the days to day care just got a million times easier. Not to mention the costs.

sapphire my DH came up with the genius suggestion of stopping contraception and just 'se what happens' ! My response was 'well clearly I'll get pregnant you dimwit' which I did, but it took over 2 years.

You spend your whole life preventing pregnancy that you imagine you'll fall pregnant the minute you stop.

[Sapphire18]

OP - your post really struck a chord with me. I am 30 and DH and I are trying to decide whether to have a child. I am becoming obsessed with the decision! He's very 'let's go for it' and I'm scared of timing it badly as regards work and housing.

Anyway, enough about me - but just wanted to say I can completely see where you are coming from. It sounds like your partner is on board with it but accepting that you must be just on board as he is. This is a rather different thing from him putting the decision on you. Perhaps think about whether, if he was saying he absolutely wanted them - how that'd make you feel. And also how you'd feel if he was saying no way. Which would be a bigger issue for you?

I think it's true there is no 'right' time - it's terrifying really but it seems that on paper any of us would be mad to do it! So all we can do is go with our hearts. I don't know if this helps, but I will be watching your post with interest.

[bridieb]

Nottalotta, I'm sorry to hear about your older one, I have two, one is semi retired with arthritis but both are safe and sane and I would continue with them for as long as I could but obviously I would cut down the risk and not jump and go for mad rides etc. And whilst it would pain me not to be doing so much with them and there being a period of time where I probably would do nothing riding wise I know in my head that they would be just fine, it's just my heart that would worry!

[bridieb]

I'm a self employed music teacher. I go round to schools in the county to teach. I would lose the schools and so have to work at finding new schools and working my way back in and building up new client base.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Bridie I have struggled with the horse thing too. I had 3 at the start of this pregnancy. Had to have my old retired boy pts a month ago which was bloody awful. It leaves me with the easier two in terms of daily upkeep. But the one i ride is a loon so i haven't ridden since getting pregnant. I am really missing it!! Midwife said of course i could ride, but don't fall off......... My boy is not easy, and is unpredictable and though i have not fallen off him in the 7 yrs I have had him,.i wasn't willing to risk it.

My old hors however, would have been perfect had he still been in work - very lively but safe. I could still be riding him now.

[bridieb]

Sorry, I'm posting on my phone! That last bit about my work should read I'm scared of losing it and the possibility of being totally financially dependant ony oh.

[newbian]

bridieb What is your job and why can't it be done with a child?

[bridieb]

Having had time to digest people's thoughts and my own reactions is really helping me.

I'm not particularly gushy over babies and the thought of a crying baby which leaks from every orifice, the sleepless nights, not being able to ride me horses doesn't fill me with joy, but they are all transient things and in the grand scheme of things will pass. The thought of having a child with which I can interact with and show all the things that the world offers and see how he or she reacts and to see how they grow into a person is what I would love to be a part of.

I have come to the conclusion (at the moment!) that I do want a baby, the thing that is holding me back is my work. I'm scared of losing it and objects guess being pretty much totally financially dependant on my oh. Im self employed and it took me 8 years to build up a salary with which I can live pretty comfortably and I have to come to terms with whether or not I can just turn away from that. I would get it back eventually but it would take a lot of time.

[Sparrowlegs248]

I know how you feel OP. I always pictured myself with children when i was younger. But I am an incredibly practical person and wouldn't even think about it until it was the 'right time' . I actually wanted to be married and buy a house first, and finances were holding us up. We eventually did those two things but then i was still worried about money, time, child care etc. I just couldn't see how it would work. We talked it over and over and ultimately decided we just needed to go for it as time was not on my side. So I came off contraception and........nothing. No period for 8 months. Then regular but no pregnancy. Had been trying for over 2 yrs and started fertility investigations when at age 37 i got my bfp. Am currently 32 + 5 wks pregnant. You don't always get the overwhelming urge, and as for other peoples children, i can take them or leave them. Leave them mostly. But i can say that the prospect of infertility scared me and DH. I wished we had started sooner. The reduced movements i felt at 27 weeks terrified me. Other people getting pregnant when i couldn't upset me hugely even when i was happy for them. None of these feelings were expected.

Sorry for the ramble. Ultimately my age made me start trying and i am so glad.

[HelenF350]

OP I am a couple of years older than you and my partner and I had similar discussions 18 months ago where he told me it was my decision. I was keen to have a child but his uncertainty made me nervous and I didn't want the responsibility of making the decision so said nothing more about it. 14 months ago I had my implant replaced and it caused me no end of grief. He turned round to me in May last year and suggested that I have it removed and we try for a DC! Took me very much by surprise as he had always seemed quite unsure. Fast forward to today and I'm 37.5 weeks pregnant with DC1 and can't wait for his/her arrival. I do believe it's something that you should both want. May be worth another conversation with him?

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

It's only my opinion. But I am surprised at purposefully trying to get pregnant if you don't know yet if you actually want a child. Pretty big thing to get wrong! But each to their own.

[newbian]

I don't agree with winter either. DH wanted to start trying right after our wedding but I asked for a year before coming off birth control. It took a very long time for my cycles to regulate afterwards and I found myself worrying that it might not be easy or possible for me to get pregnant after all. It was during that period when I realized I really did want a baby.

[CityDweller]

Hmm, I'm not sure winter. I never had the biological urge for children. So for us it was a 'head decision' (we thought that we probably wanted kids in the long run, more than we didn't). I didn't realise I actually wanted children, in my heart, until DD was about 4 months old.

I actually think that if you're not sure whether you want a baby or not then you probably do. Or should just go for it.

And the point above about remembering that they're only babies for a tiny short time is a very good one. That's what tipped me over the edge in deciding to go for it. I was not at all envious of friends with babies or toddlers, but when I saw families with older kids/ teenagers I thought that looked like something I'd like to do with my DH.

[2boys2girls]

Agreed winter

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

I always think that if you don't know whether you want a baby or not, you don't yet. When you get to the point you want it, you'll know, and the cons seem less important than they did.
It's not a head decision, its a heart decision.

[bridieb]

Thank you for all your replies - it is comforting to hear that other people are having or have had the same worries, and comforting to hear that are a few of you who sound as if you are in the same position as me too!

I have a sneaky suspicion that although I am full of indecision I actually think I am more on the 'go for it' side of the fence...but I just need to get my head around the work issue and accept that I will lose that, or accept that I can't lose it.

And I think you are right in saying that it isn't a choice that can be made by over analysing but is a leap of faith...I just need to figure out if I'm brave enough to jump!

[nomorelostweekends]

Although your OH sounds very well intentioned in his take on this, the reality is that it is only during pregnancy, birth and potentially the first few weeks (depending if you breast feed) when the decision by necessity has to impact more greatly on you. In the great scheme of things this passes very, very quickly, and you settle into a long term commitment of the two of you meeting the emotional and physical needs of another one (or more) initially very dependent people. This can, and arguably should, have a profound impact on both of you. Its not about being willing to 'help', its about being willing to make decisions about everyone's long term best interests, as well as take joint responsibility for what can seem a very intense and sometimes unrewarding daily grind. It may mean compromising on where you live, how you spend your leisure time, and how both your careers proceed. This, to me, should be the nub of your discussions with your OH. It might be helpful in your decision making to know his take on this, and to get him to accept that in the longer term, this decision will impact on both of you. His response might help you make sense of your own feelings.

FWIW both my DH and myself have made compromises with our careers. How this works out in the very long term I do not know. On paper we have a good balance, both working part time and sharing child care, but neither of us has reached our potential in terms of what we could have achieved. We moved area's because of schooling, and this probably has had more of an impact on DH than myself. We have had quite different experiences of being parented, and as our DD's grow older (they are 9 and 6 now) this has brought us new challenges in our relationship - which again impacts on both of us.

I know that pregnancy and childbirth can have profound and long term effects on individual women, and you do need to take into account this risk. But it really is just a tiny aspect of parenting.

[NeuroticFox1]

Hi bridieb, your situation is very similar to where I was this time last year; lacking decision, 34 and self employed. My age played a massive part in my panic. I'd been waiting for my life to be ready for a baby and then suddenly I was 34 and it still wasn't. I nearly drove myself mad trying to make a decision. My partner had more issues and concerns than me, and yours sounds pretty on board. In the end we actually decided to let mother nature decide whether we should have a baby or not. As basically the decision only takes you so far. We conceived within a couple of months, so much quicker than expected, and once we'd absorbed the reality both of us felt happier than we could have imagined. Now looking back on the things that were holding me back they were insignificant really. However I am only 28 weeks pregnant so still the reality of having a baby is a little way off. Hope these posts have helped a bit x

[batfish]

We always said we wanted kids - but actually could find few reasons for it. Everyone who has kids says it's great so I'm excited for the great bits and very nervous for the crap bits. We put it off for a while as didn't feel ready - but then realised we were never going to feel ready so decided just to go for it. We felt that we would regret not having kids if we didn't go for it.

Our apprehensions were that we have been together since we were 17 (now 33) so very used to it just being us and although we feel we have a very solid relationship we are worried about how it will change. We are also a bit lazy so the lack of sleep and constant being on the move is terrifying!

So I'm not sure I would say we were undecided as such as we never contemplated not having kids - but we definitely could have kept putting it off. I am now 23 weeks pregnant and pretty scared! But excited too.

The way I see it is that if you don't have kids then you'll probably be OK as won't really know what you're missing. But then by the sounds of it when you do have them it is so awesome (but still shitty at times) that you can't imagine life without them. I just hope all of our parent friends aren't bullshitting us Good luck whatever you decide!

[willnotbetamed]

I second everything that everyone else has already posted, and just wanted to add, reading round pregnancy boards is a good idea, but it only gives you a fragment of the full picture! My first two kids are now 7 and 5, and I don't think I really envisaged much when we started a family beyond pregnancy, babies, nappies, etc. That phase - the first 2-3 years, including pregnancy - is incredibly intense, but it does pass! Some people love having babies, but plenty don't (I don't especially love it) - but they do grow up and you have all the fun and excitement of older children. And then teenagers. And then empty nest, potentially grandchildren, and all the rest of it. I like babies enough to be prepared to do it all again - I'm expecting DC3 now - but life with really small children is definitely not something I'm sold on. I do however love having a family, being able to talk to my seven-year-old about all kinds of interesting things, rediscovering loads of simple things (baking cakes, walking in the woods) that are so much fun with children, and watching my kids turn from mewling babies into real actual people with opinions and things.
Hopefully someone can add to this who has older kids and can add something about that - I am not sure how I will feel about kids when mine are, say, 17, 15, and 10...

[Sapat]

Deciding to have a baby is like deciding to fall in love with someone. It is not something you plan, just something that happens and feels right. You never really know if it is the right decision until the end you just have to plunge in, try your best and hope for the best.

As far as I am concerned, having children is part of growing up. Apart from an basic need to have a child, I kept thinking of how I wanted my life in 10, 20, 30 years time. And I didn't want to be on my own with just DH. I don't mean I needed others, but I wanted to have children in my life, and to be part of children's lives. Yep, children have cramped my style though out my 30s and I don't think they have made me happy (I was already happy and certainly more carefree before), but I feel they have improved me as a human being, and at the end of the day, personal growth is probably something we all aspire to. I think that as I grow older, I will have all these people around me, part of me. It is rather nice. We work hard, it is for us, and our children, a sort of legacy. Otherwise it ends with us.

My parents have friends who are childless and jet around the world. They don't have a camera, because they have no-one to show their photos to. So what was the point?