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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Do I add his name ?

61 replies

Cheshirehello79 · 25/05/2015 21:33

Help Please . I'm 13 weeks pregs . Dumped my ex only to find out 3 days later that I'm pregnant. I didn't want get back to him as I've been on failed marriage before and didn't feel he was the right guy for me after dating 3 months. Anyways told him that I'm pregnant he came to talk did think of the idea of getting back but I changed my mind as the spark was gone. The first thing he said to me was I'm I going to get rid as we are not together! That still hurts till today as feel like my child has been rejected before her/ his life has even started. I decided to keep the baby and he went along with it saying he was there if need him from 3 weeks when I found out to 7 weeks he never texted me once to see how I was - I had to text him to give him any updates . Anyways had spotting at 7 weeks which I was quite concerned as its my first pregnancy and all I got from him was hope both of you are ok then blank again . I decided that I'm not going to invite him to any scans or nothing and just do it without him really . My question is - when I do have the baby - I don't want to put his name on the birth certificate - I feel like living it blank but will tell the child about him and make the child decide if they want to know him but what I was going to do is put his surname as the child's second name . So baby name - his name and my surname. This will make life easy for me that he hasn't got parental powers as I know sometimes that can go quite nasty ! Do you think I'm being reasonable ?

OP posts:

ltk · 26/05/2015 00:31

Quite right op. The only person who can put him on the bc is... himself. If he decides to be involved he will get himself on the bc. Otherwise he will not be on it.

No matter what the bc says, you will want to get onto the child maintenance agency immediately after the birth so that he begins to help support his child.

mummyneedinganswers I honestly do not know what you are on about, telling op she is selfish or that dad should be given a chance. He has a chance. He knows she is pregnant with his child. He can get his name onto the bc without the op's help.

Atenco · 26/05/2015 04:06

With or without his name on the child's birth cert, he is the father and can be treated as such.

As I had my dd in a foreign country and her father was abusive, I did not put him on her birth cert and where I live you cannot claim child support if their name is not the birth cert. But she always spent lots of time with his family and as an adult has a great relationship with her dad, while I avoided the unpleasantness of having to get his permission to travel with her.

My dgd, for similar reasons does not have her dad's name on her bc, and he is turning out to be a loving father and much involved in her life.

It's a legal document giving the other person a lot of rights over your and your child's life. When they are virtual strangers or abusive, life is much simpler without giving them parental rights.

Sparrowlegs248 · 26/05/2015 05:26

Its not unusual for things to be difficult really is it? You were together three months, if you weren't pregnant you would have split up and that would have been that. However you are pregnant and that means maintaining some level of connection.

Him not being interested at this stage isn't all that surprising, there's mother much going on visibly and he isn't having the constant reminders that you are. I could think of nothing else at this stage (still can't......) whereas DH seemed largely oblivious.

Be the better person. Do what you can. Text him updates, invite him to scans etc. Put the ball in his court.

Its then up to him to respond accordingly.

TheCowThatLaughs · 26/05/2015 05:27

Don't bother contacting him any more op if he wants to see his child he can make the effort like a grown-up!
The ball is in his court now. If he wants to know the law re him going on the bc or not, he can google it. It's not your responsibility to encourage him to see his child or try and make him take an interest.

lexyloub · 26/05/2015 05:29

The reason being on the birth certificate gives him legal rights is because that's exactly what he's entitled to as a parent. This is just as much his baby as yours, granted us women have the harder role but that's just nature there's nothing we can do about that. Men don't understand pregnancy it's their be all & end all like it is for us women living with it every day feeling like crap with hormones raging. He probably doesn't know you're tired feelings sick getting fatter etc men just see the baby at the end of it so don't be expecting daily how are you texts.
If he is as much of a twat as you say he won't be interested in his parental rights as a Dad, and if he is interested then surely that's a good thing. As pp said too if he doesn't show up when you register baby then his name won't go on anyway. You can have his name on the birth certificate and still give the baby your surname. Don't cut him out of your child's life let him be the 1 walking away then you can tell your child when they're older it was Dad's decision not to be part of its life not yours.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 26/05/2015 08:59

It's good to see some good old fashioned sexist bullshit doing the rounds.

This man is an adult. It is not the OP's place to cojole him, pander to him, or take him by the hand and walk him through a very basic understanding of how a child is born.

If this guy doesn't give a shit and doesn't want to be involved with the pregnancy, then that is HIS decision. Likewise, if he doesn't want a relationship with the child, then that isn't somehow magically the OP's fault for not "trying hard enough" to force a relationship between them, because "men don't understand what pregnancy is" or "men don't form a relationship until the baby is here" which then inevitably leads to "men don't really get involved until after the baby is older".

OP - to be frank, I think you are totally justified in your approach. You aren't hiding the pregnancy, you don't intend to lie to the child about who their father is, or to the father about whether the child is his or not. If this person wants access as a father, then that is his responsibility to sort out. Not yours.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 26/05/2015 09:02

Its nothing to do with sexist bullshit. Its not about him, or her. You need to all stop thinking about your rights, and what you want, and punishing each other, and all of it. What matters is what is best for the child. And that isn't its parents being petulant childish idiots.

Justusemyname · 26/05/2015 09:14

Oh, the poor iccle men who can't imagine how it must be to be pregnant, worried, excited .

lexyloub · 26/05/2015 09:21

Well said winter

lexyloub · 26/05/2015 09:24

Unfortunately pregnancy and childbirth is sexist because men will never ever be Able to do it instead

ltk · 26/05/2015 09:38

Where are posters finding these men who are too dense and self-centred to understand pregnancy and its basic effects on the mother? Is he is such an idiot that he cannot stretch his brain to understand how babies are made? Can he tie his own shoelaces?

Take care of yourself and your baby OP. Daddy will involve himself if he wants to. Possibly after child support payments catch up with him.

Stinkylinky · 26/05/2015 09:43

He is the baby's father, therefore should be on the birth certificate. That doesn't mean the baby has to have his surname.

Try to put your difficulties and feelings towards him to one side, he is the father regardless.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 26/05/2015 09:49

At what point are people unable to comprehend that the OP cannot just add this man's name onto the birth certificate without him being there? Even if she actively didn't want it on there, he always has the right to have it added at a later date.

winter - yes, what matters is what is best for the child. But the OP is not responsible for sorting out the child's relationship with this man. She has a responsibility to speak at very least neutrally about him, and not to obstruct contact unless there is a really bloody good reason. It is NOT her responsibility to set up that relationship, keep it going, and generally be the person responsible for the child having a relationship with the father. That is HIS responsibility.

Stinkersmum · 26/05/2015 09:56

goodnessgraciousgouda
"At what point are people unable to comprehend that the OP cannot just add this man's name onto the birth certificate without him being there?"

I did point this out very early on. Seemed to be ignored or go over most people's heads

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 26/05/2015 09:56

I didn't say it was her responsibility. I'm merely countering the "fuck him, he doesn't deserve it, cut him off" posts that always fill these threads.

Don't use a child to punish the other parent, thats all. If you start from a perspective of what does this child need and deserve, the rest doesn't come into it. That's called being a good parent.

lexyloub · 26/05/2015 10:07

No gracious it's BOTH their responsibilities. They was BOTH careless with contraception and the result is this little baby. Both need to grow up put petty squabbles aside not using the baby in games. OP needs to stop with the "he's not text me so I'm not going to put his name on the birth certificate" bullshit. He's not text to ask if she's ok, she's not allowed him to go to the scan BOTH as bad as each other

lexyloub · 26/05/2015 10:12

I like you winter ha ha

Athenaviolet · 26/05/2015 10:17

Firstly, contrary to popular belief mums can't 'add a fathers name to a bc'.

Either you register the birth alone and can give the baby whatever name you want or he comes with you to jointly register the birth.

You can't force him into coming so really it's his choice not yours.

My ex didn't bother.

Secondly he can always have his name added later. If when the DC is older and wants that info there it can be added (with ex's permission). But once it's on it's irreversible. It's the only thing in your whole life you'll sign that is truely permanent. It's a much bigger commitment than marriage.

My DC have never been disadvantaged by having a blank space there. (It doesn't say 'father unknown' as some people seem to think)

Another point: what's on the bc has nothing to do with child maintenance.

trumpetmouse · 26/05/2015 10:28

Just to wade in.... .... putting the father on the birth certificate doesn't give him parental rights but instead makes him parentally responsible. This doesn't include rights to access ( although depending on the circumstances it makes sense to facilitate it, if the father wants it, so the child and father can have a positive relationship), but things like ensuring the father is informed on health, education issues. And the father has a joint responsibility with anyone else who has parental responsibility (the mother and possibly a future partner of hers if they marry) to ensure the child has safe accomodation/shelter. It looks like the most difficult thing for the mother - based on my non-expert opinion- is if she wants to leave the country for more than 28 days a mother would need to get the father's permission. Which he may refuse.
I'm putting the father of my child on the bC. For the child and because he wants to be involved. I am a bit gutted that I might not be ablearly to leave the country for more than 28 days.... but I feel it's something I just have to stomach sadly. I don't want my child to learn that I tried to obstruct her father being on the birth certificate. I'm hoping they'll have a very positive relationship and she'll feel love from all angles!

Of course everyone's situation is different. Good luck OP with your decision. But obviously if he doesn't turn up to sign the bc there's not much you can do anyway.

I am finding it very hard to liaise with father so can empathise (And mine doesn't sound so tough as yours!) Sending lots of love xx

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 26/05/2015 10:31

it's irreversible. It's the only thing in your whole life you'll sign that is truely permanent. It's a much bigger commitment than marriage.

It should be! You made a person together, and you owe that person at the very least the opportunity to know who their parents are. It's not the certificate thats the commitment though, its the birth.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 26/05/2015 10:33

*Firstly, contrary to popular belief mums can't 'add a fathers name to a bc'.

Either you register the birth alone and can give the baby whatever name you want or he comes with you to jointly register the birth.

You can't force him into coming so really it's his choice not yours*

I think most people know that. And while you of course can't force him into coming, you can stop him, which is what a lot of people here advise. And THAT is the part you're ignoring. It's only his choice if you give him one. And you should, FOR THE CHILD.

ltk · 26/05/2015 10:59

It's only his choice of you give him one. That is just incorrect. He can add his name to the birth certificate at any time after the birth is registered, even if the mother does not invite him along to the registration. It is entirely his choice.

mummyneedinganswers · 26/05/2015 12:10

Yes its he can but why would you want to subject your child to DNA tests as that's what the court will do before allowing father to be on certificate a bloody DNA test when she can avoid that by just inviting him along fgs. Its just pety tit for tat wanting baby all to herself sorry doesn't work like that he has just as much right as she does. We see more and more fathers gaining custody of there kids these days, DNA tests isn't necessary but that's what the courts will do if he's not on certificate and I know this as my brother in law has been through all of this his gf stopped him from attending to place name on certificate he then went to court for custody and visitation rights and they said that a DNA test had to be carried out before he could go on cert !!! Utterly selfish

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 26/05/2015 12:13

Yes he could, but then why prevent him from doing it the easy way in the first place? Why force court dates and expense and difficulty...for spite? This is exactly my point. Grow up and think of the child.

Starlightbright1 · 26/05/2015 12:27

I think at 13 weeks this is getting way ahead of yourself. Ten weeks ago you dumped him because he wasn't right ( your choice obviously) however did he see it that way..He will have his emotions maybe angry, maybe bitter... He doesn't really need to contact you through the pregnancy to be a good dad...Yes personally I like my DS to have the same name as me it makes life easier.

I think you need to take a step back and leave him to do what he wants to do. If you want him to be involved why not send him a scan pic then leave it there. Inform him when LO is born then leave the ball in his court. You won't know till this point if he wants to be involved.

As for can't support you..Even on benefits he will pay £5 per week which may not be a lot but will buy a small packet of nappies.

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