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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

My friend's gf is pregnant and wants to move back to Austrailia.

50 replies

SleeplessSeattle · 24/04/2015 17:20

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post, so please let me know and I'll try and get it moved. My friend's gf has just found out she is 8 weeks pregnant and has decided to keep the baby. My friend personally thinks that in an ideal world it's slightly too early in his life (they are both very early 20's and still in full time education), but will 100% stand by her and the baby; he's just having initial nerves.

However, she wants to move back to her family in Austrailia before the baby is born. They had discussed maybe moving there in a couple of years, but my friend is really upset at the idea of moving there and the child never seeing his grandparents/great-grandparents, and regardless of the baby does not want to move there yet. He's really close to his family and now doesn't know what to do, or how to proceed and I have no idea what help I can give him. Does anyone have any advice, or have been through similar? I guess it was always inevitable at some point.

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Focusfocus · 24/04/2015 18:29

We'll, if she doesn't move to Australia, how will the child see their other set of grandparents?!?! The ones who are in Australia? They would fly over right? Well, the British set of grandparents can presumably do the same? It's not just one set of grandparents the child will have.

To be honest, I totally see why such a young woman would feel vulnerable and want her family around her at this unexpectedly challenging time.

I think they I'll need to work this out themselves. Generally if a man doesn't absolutely want a pregnancy now and with this person, he should keep on top of contraception and keep it covered. The moving issue the two will need to sort out, but the grandparent logic isn't at all convincing I am afraid.

BathtimeFunkster · 24/04/2015 18:33

She's a young woman who is unexpectedly pregnant in a relationship that is a doubtful long term bet.

She's dead right to go home to Australia now and have her baby surrounded by her support network.

Your friend needn't follow her.

trufflesnout · 24/04/2015 18:40

I'd probably do the same if I were in her position.

Focusfocus · 24/04/2015 18:53

Also, beyond a point what your friend feels is immaterial here. Her body, is going through a massive change, emotionally physically, her needs will need to come first, she is absolutely right to want family surrounding her, her mum helping her, her dad, everyone around her as she copes with this massive new thing.

Your friend simply needn't follow her.

Original poster

SleeplessSeattle · 24/04/2015 19:00

So the only chance he has of being a dad is to go to Australia with her? There's no way he can ask if she stays here for a year or two first?
All of these points make perfect sense though. I guess he's got a tough decision, does anyone know the practicalities; would he even get citizenship if he moved?

OP posts:

basgetti · 24/04/2015 19:07

She is sensible to go home and have the baby in Australia. How could she be sure that in a couple of years he would consent to her taking the child home?

BathtimeFunkster · 24/04/2015 19:08

This is a baby conceived accidentally by two young people.

They both need to make the best decisions for themselves at this point.

If he stays in England he won't get to be a traditional Dad, but he can figure out ways to stay in the child's life meaningfully if he really wants to.

Once the baby is born he would be able to prevent her leaving, so if I were her friend I would be strongly advising her to have the baby in Australia.

madreloco · 24/04/2015 19:09

She'd be mad not to do it now, once the baby is born she might well get stuck here for ever.

Rivercam · 24/04/2015 19:22

With Skype, the Internet, FaceBook etc, it's a lot easier to communicate long distances, so, if he does go to Australia, his parents will still be able to keep in touch easily.

Had they gone to Australia when planned, the chances are they would have had a baby then, and so the situation would have been the same.

Original poster

SleeplessSeattle · 24/04/2015 19:32

I had no idea that she wouldn't be able to go back if the baby was born here; she has dual nationality if that makes a difference. I don't think he did either.
Thats a good point river. I think it's just the impending baby and move on top of that to the other side of the world that is scaring him.

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 24/04/2015 19:42

It's not a question of her nationality.

After the baby is born as the father he can ask a court to forbid the baby going to Australia and insist it stays here.

He can't do anything at the minute because the baby isn't born. Once the mum is in Australia a court isnt going to make her come back to the UK.

VivaLeBeaver · 24/04/2015 19:43

When will his course finish? He could maybe finish it and then go to Australia? See how it works out. It doesn't have to be a permanent move. If it doesn't work out he can come back.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 24/04/2015 20:18

He can ask her to stay if he wants. She won't have to agree. In terms of nationality, depends how he acquired his British citizenship, but if he's British by birth, he can pass that to any child born abroad.

Bluestockings35 · 25/04/2015 09:01

As others have said the best thing for her is to go before birth if she's made that decision but even if she stays for now I really wouldn't suggest he try to fight it in court after the baby is born. The court would decide based on the best interests of the child and in all likelihood would rule in her favour anyway. If that happens he would be in a much worse position - living the other side of the world from his child and trying to get cooperation/information from someone who he has just put through that kind of stress will be much harder than living the other side of the world and co-parenting with someone who still likes him and lets him and his family stay in the house for visits, skypes regularly etc. Or if he does move out with her, having her family and networks help him settle in, find a job etc will be much better than being completely alone out there because he tried to make her stay in the UK against her wishes and now they all resent him. I really think his only choice is between being a long-distance parent or moving to Aus with her.

goodnessgraciousgouda · 25/04/2015 09:19

She would be crazy not to go back to Australia as soon as possible.

I understand that your friend is disappointed, but this was always a risk.

The issues are:

She moves to Australia and he doesn't get to be a part of the baby's daily life, etc (although as others have pointed out, skype, etc).

She gives birth in the UK, and then is basically trapped there forever, without her family, unless you friend gives her permission to go and live in Australia with the child.

Google the Hague Convention.

I'm sorry this is shit for your friend, but frankly, if I was in her position I would be running back to Australia, so I could be sure I would have my family support networks.

Droflove · 25/04/2015 09:23

Another sad story where the baby loses. I'm not sure OP that your friend can ever have a good outcome in this. The best outcome is that he embraces both Australia and the mother of his child and they end up in a good, long term committed relationship. More likely is that your friend will be around long enough to love the baby but will get into rows with the mother where neither act in the best interest of the child and the child will lose its father and the father will be bitter and hurt for the rest of his life. Unfortunately that is the outcome I know of with a number if my friends (seeing both sides of this situation).

Original poster

SleeplessSeattle · 25/04/2015 09:34

droflove I think this sums it up perfectly. He has no intention of making the child stay here if she gives birth in the UK and then wants to go home but he wants her to try the UK before going to Aus if that makes sense. He realises a permanent move to Aus is on the cards soon, but he doesn't want them to move there as a panicked reaction. But from the replies here I can see that there's sides to it he hasn't considered. He's asking my help as I had my child during uni, and moved to stay near my partners family, but that was a case of 100 miles, not half way round the world

OP posts:

base9 · 25/04/2015 09:53

Tell his gf to come on this site so that we can tell her to get on a plane to Aus right now.
But even without the Hague convention... your friend is being extraordinarily selfish. His gf is young and vulnerable. She is having an unplanned baby, her first, and she is in an unstable relationship with the father. She will undoubtedly have the lion's share of the parenting responsibility for this child as the resident parent. He wants her to stay in the UK, thousands of miles from her support network and the love of her family, while she negotiates birth in a foreign hospital and struggles to establish breastfeeding and is crying down Skype to her Mum about sleep deprivation.
If your friend is any sort of human, he will be packing her bags and driving her to Heathrow. She needs her family far more than he needs his right now, which should be obvious.

HermioneWeasley · 25/04/2015 10:00

What base said

Jackieharris · 25/04/2015 10:03

How does she have duel nationality if both her parents are Australian?

She should definitely move back to Australia ASAP.

Is your friend young enough to get a 1 year visa to go there and try it out?

Are they living together now? Is marriage on the cards? I don't know much about aus immigration, maybe ask on the expats section.

Nothin good's going to come from him pressurising her into staying here. He should accept it's in her and the baby's best interest to be in aus right now and for the next few years.

So if he wants to be in their lives he needs to look into how he can move there too, even if it's not to live all together.

Original poster

SleeplessSeattle · 25/04/2015 10:18

Her dad is British. And they had talked about kids and marriage in the future (in like 5-8 years), and realised they would need to make a decision about where to live long term at some point. He's just freaked out as he doesn't have a job or any way to provide for this child and then on top of that has no idea what to do in Australia - would just being a father to a child grant him residency? I thought they had pretty strict immigration.

OP posts:

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 25/04/2015 10:21

When you talk about him wanting her to try the UK, asking her to stay a year or two, are you talking about simple requests? Or does he want to be able to enforce her remaining? Because if it's the latter, it would be in his best interests now to realise that's an utter waste of time. And it's all very well him saying he wouldn't try and make the child stay after being born, but that's not a call he can make now.

Leviticus · 25/04/2015 10:24

His intentions now to not prevent her returning home will totally change once his child is born.

These aren't great circumstances but she's right to go home now and invite him to go with her.

Original poster

SleeplessSeattle · 25/04/2015 10:30

lady his initial thoughts were to stay here for a year or two so that he can finish off his degree and get relevant job experience, whilst she can finish her degree part time (she has said she wants to do this since finding out she was pregnant, since I wrote this post she is now undecided about what to do - though it seems the advice I should be giving her is to go home? She is a friend of mine as well and in worried about her). Then they will both be in a position where they have transferable skills and so finding work in Aus will be easier; and it wouldn't be such a panicked moved. He didn't know about the problems about having the baby in the UK though.

OP posts:

Micah · 25/04/2015 10:30

I will go against the grain here, and say it's just as much her responsibility to make sure the baby's father can be involved. You are saying if he didn't want a baby he should have kept on top of contraception, well so should she.

She should give him the chance to step up.

I don't think an Internet forum can help. It's going to be a long discussion between the two of them, and they can make the compromises needed.

whatever way they should try and find a solution where the child can get to know both parents.

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