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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Never been yelled at this much!

37 replies

FirstTimeDad24 · 02/04/2015 19:35

My wife is 7 months gone and in her late 30s. She has had a very uncomfortable time with lack of sleep, heartburn, uber-piles and other nastiness to cope with. I always tell her how amazing I think she has been handling this burden and most of the time things are fine. I have made every effort to be an attentive Dad-to-be and have been there for her a zillion times, rubbing her feet, her back, getting her stuff, running her here and there, basically being at her beck and call, telling her how beautiful she is, etc etc. I know hormones can make a lot of women short-tempered and quite belligerent, but holy smoke, this is difficult. I'm trying so hard to be understanding and patient, but when someone is screaming that you're a fing bard who is no help and she would be better off alone, it's hard not to shout back. Any advice?

OP posts:

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hugoagogo · 02/04/2015 19:40

Just remember you can walk away for a bit and calm down/blow off steam and she cannot get away from being pregnant, not for one moment and is probably scared.

Saying that yelling at you isn't nice and if I was you I might try and have a calm word with her about it, but you will have to pick your moment and also accept that this is only for a couple more months.

Agrestic · 02/04/2015 19:44

Erm that's not hormones. That's just being nasty.

You need to tell her it is not acceptable for her to talk to you like that, ever. Do you think she actually feels like that?

KittyandTeal · 02/04/2015 19:50

Um, I hate being pregnant, I find even an 'easy' pregnancy hard work. I feel rubbish all the time and it triggers all my mental health problems. Urgh.

With all of that I never shouted at my dh, I was snappy and short and very grumpy but I never shouted and it wouldn't have crossed my mind to swear at him.

I know every woman is different and yes, allowances do need to be made when a woman is pregnant and scared. However, that doesn't excuse you from behaving as a decent human being.

Calling your husband a fucking bastard is not nice.

Have a word, tell her it is unacceptable, you understand she's struggling, you will do whatever it takes to help (which it sounds like you are doing) but that you will not accept being shouted and sworn at.

If she carries on I would make sure I withdrew some of that help and not be around as much, making it very clear that that's why.

Gemerama · 02/04/2015 19:54

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

Gemerama · 02/04/2015 19:55

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Roseybee10 · 02/04/2015 19:56

I agree with the other ladies. I've been irrational and snappy with hubby over my two pregnancies and even through something at him oops but I immediately felt terrible and apologised straight away.
Her behaviour isn't right, she's using pregnancy as an excuse to treat you with very little respect.

Have you tried talking to her? Has she ever been like this before or is it totally out of character?

lemonyone · 02/04/2015 19:56

I had a terrible pregnancy - morning sickness where I'd puke a few times a day, massive belly (I looked like I'd swallowed a space hopper) etc. I couldn't sleep, had heartburn - it was just awful.

But there is no way I'd shout at my DH or swear at him like that. Be a bit grouchy - yes, but If someone swore at a woman like that i'd say they were abusive.

Pregnancy is an excuse for being a bit snappy or cranky, but this seems to go beyond that. Was she like this before? What are the triggers for her swearing at you?

GraysAnalogy · 02/04/2015 19:56

I would speak to her when she's calm because there is absolutely no excuse for her treating you like that - hormones don't excuse abuse.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 02/04/2015 19:57

Snappy and irrational is common, but that is more and is unacceptable imo. Is she normally like this?

Bluebell84 · 02/04/2015 20:00

I hate being pregnant (all three times)....I had terrible back pain, nausea, fatigue and feeling like shit. I also had terrible PND and was angry and irritable. there was a time my Dh was raising two kids alone because I was in a bad way.

but had I shouted at my husband or said the things your wife did....he would have walked out on me. most certainly would have shouted back.

demand respect. she needs a to treat u the way she wishes to be treated. you are human with feelings and ur wife needs to have some human decency. there are people who have been through worse than a bad pregnancy who still retain humanity and respect. your wife is no expection.

don't put up with it. your wife has to know once words are spoken they cannot be reclaimed. she has to know u deserve respect- demand it and don't back down until you get it.

NickyEds · 02/04/2015 20:23

I've had a rotten pregnancy so far, lots of sickness and aching, very little sleep and rest. I rage at my dp all of the time in my head. I don't scream at him because it's not his fault, I still quite like him and, well, I'm in a partnership and that sort of behaviour just isn't on. Anything in labour is fair game but being pregnant is no excuse for this.

applecore0317 · 02/04/2015 22:37

Did she ever resort to shouting pre pregnancy if you ever fell out? If yes, then it can't really be blamed on her hormomes.

I used to suffer terribly with PMT and I would raise my voice but never say any personal like that to my husband. I would just be shouting about frustrations that had maybe caused the row.

I would sit down with her when she is calm and say how it makes you feel and if she would be like that sometimes pre pregnancy point that out and remind her that you are trying to support her through this.

Hope you get it sorted

Feckeggblue · 02/04/2015 22:42

I'm sorry to say I have had moments where I have hated my DH. I can't explain it but some women do seen to have furious phases in their pregnancies. There was a time I would've happily divorced him. I'm afraid I can't explain it. Sorry

Purpleball · 02/04/2015 22:46

I'm irrational, snappy and weepy. But not verbally abusive to anyone, especially not the man looking after me and his unborn child

Skiptonlass · 02/04/2015 22:55

Not really acceptable behaviour... I've certainly been grumpy, tired and a bit snappy but I'll always say something like, "urgh, sorry, it's not you, I'm just knackered/sick/hormonal."

Personally I don't think screaming at your other half is acceptable in day to day life (exceptional one offs maybe..)

Good relationships are built on mutual respect - I agree with the poster above who says you should gently but firmly say that this isn't ok.

cerealqueen · 02/04/2015 23:00

Does she ever apologise after she has shouted verbal abuse at you?

AlpacaMyBags · 02/04/2015 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ihatelego · 02/04/2015 23:21

bless you, sounds like you've been very supportive! Definitely speak to her about it at a time when she's calm and engaged, ask why she resorts to speaking to you like that and explain how it makes you feel. Hopefully she doesn't realise how it's making you feel and will address her behaviour as it's not on to treat your partner in that way.

I do get pregnancy rage and this pregnancy me and DP have had some very silly arguments which have made me irrationally angry and emotional but we apologise and make amends after and understand it's down to stress.

Original poster

FirstTimeDad24 · 03/04/2015 01:27

Actually the pregnancy has brought us closer together. Our relationship has grown a lot more intense, in a good way, which is brilliant. But every few weeks I do or say the wrong thing and she just blows up in a rage and/or tears. Usually both. I can't say anything to stop her crying. She just sobs and sobs, wailing about how she has no one to help her and why am I such a ? When I read men's message boards about dealing with "pregnancy rage", the guys all seem to be resigned to their fate, saying: "Deal with it. For the next few months get used to saying Sorry and admitting to everything." But I hate that Doormat-Bloke bollocks. I don't want to be always apologising. We had a massive row the other day, totally cos of her lack of sleep and heartburn and everything else, and after I spent a day at work stewing and feeling hard-done-to, it was obvious the only thing to calm her down was to say sorry over and over and admit my fault, when I did nothing wrong!! Least ways nothing to merit her fury and tears. I honestly just want to be a good husband and father. The way my wife reacts when she thinks I have let her down or not reacted in the right way, anyone would think I treat her like *. I treat her like Cleopatra! LOL So when she turns round and yells about how I am no help and useless, I feel like packing my bags! (I won't). The one thing that gives me hope that this is just hormonal is that, two hours before the last row, she was stroking my arm and telling me how much she loved me. I have a text from her sent a few days days ago saying: "Thanks for being there. I love ya." But then her rages go against all that. She seems to have a short bloody memory. I'm trying my best but am climbing the walls. When she is feeling awful and wants to lash out (which I can understand), does the fact that I'm the one who does all these nice things mean nothing? Am i just a handy target?

OP posts:

Roseybee10 · 03/04/2015 04:24

I think by allowing her to treat you this way, you're giving her the message that its ok for her to do it.
Tbh it doesn't soubd hormonal, it sounds deeper than that.
Has she ever has mental health issues?
For me, a marriage should be about equality and not one person calling the shots while the other treads on eggshells. You're going to end up resenting her so much that it'll tear you both apart. Can you imagine how much worse it could get if you allow this to continue until the baby arrives. You're going to have to do EVERYTHING (obviously she's going to need help initially while she recovers from birth) - night feeds, nappy changes, cooking, cleaning as well as being back at work.

ragged · 03/04/2015 08:17

Would she consider going to see a GP? Put her case forward as miserable mood swings (making her miserable).

RhiannonElward · 03/04/2015 09:55

It doesn't sound to me like she means what she says and I'm not going to be one to just tell you to just demand respect, I don't think she's coping well with the pregnancy, and she's clearly having no fun herself if she's sobbing uncontrollably. I definitely think you need to have a long talk yourselves and with a gp or midwife and see if it's ante-natal depression or another psychological issue. She's definitely being horrible but she's clearly extremely distressed and I'm more concerned that you putting your foot down might make this worse if she's already feeling insecure. You are being a hero and this must be really tough for you but I think it's more important now that you are as supportive as you can be at least until you get to the bottom of it. Hang in there, and let us know how you get on.

comeagainforbigfudge · 03/04/2015 11:00

Gawd sakes. I canny sleep most nights, have terrible heartburn that feels like entire insides on fire, spd that makes me wanna cry. And an OH that would gladly do everything he can for me. But I keep refusing cos I'm stubborn like that

I might grumble n moan but I certainly don't shout at him. If he tries to wind me up I just tell him to piss off as I'm not finding his jokes funny. That's about it. No shouting.

Has your wife been to Dr about heartburn? I got started on ranitidine - oh the sheer bliss once meds kick in. Heaven!!

stargirl1701 · 03/04/2015 11:05

She needs to talk to her GP or MW. She sounds like she is on an emotional roller coaster.

lemonyone · 03/04/2015 12:48

Firsttimedad - definitely encourage her to talk to the MW about this. She sounds like she needs help.

The poster who mentioned eggshells had it on the nose. I am from a family who had to tiptoe around a parent who would blow up for no reason. My childhood was miserable because of it. If your DW gets in the habit of thinking this abuse is fine because of x,y,z reason, she will always find reasons. Just wait until the baby keeps her awake all night every night for 18 months, or she goes back to work and the child is teething, or this, or that. It's not healthy.

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