Never been yelled at this much!

[FirstTimeDad24]

My wife is 7 months gone and in her late 30s. She has had a very uncomfortable time with lack of sleep, heartburn, uber-piles and other nastiness to cope with. I always tell her how amazing I think she has been handling this burden and most of the time things are fine. I have made every effort to be an attentive Dad-to-be and have been there for her a zillion times, rubbing her feet, her back, getting her stuff, running her here and there, basically being at her beck and call, telling her how beautiful she is, etc etc. I know hormones can make a lot of women short-tempered and quite belligerent, but holy smoke, this is difficult. I'm trying so hard to be understanding and patient, but when someone is screaming that you're a fing bard who is no help and she would be better off alone, it's hard not to shout back. Any advice?

You need to establish whether she's pissed off and hormonal and furious or whether this is a more serious problem. Don't speak to the midwives about some moodiness for goodness sake, it's normal and there is no need go ott with it.

Sound like antenatal depression, which is very real and every bit at awful as postnatal depression. Of course it isn't acceptable to yell at your partner, but acceptable isn't very high on your radar when you feel like you can't cope with another minute of the roller coaster of emotions you are experiencing. I can identify with what you wife is feeling. I understand the irrational rants. I'm amazed that most of the women an here are calling her abusive. Poor woman needs support, not judgement.

Her GP and MW should be looking out for signs of this. It's not unusual.

I can relate- I was not myself at times during pregnancy and it was like an out of body experience like I couldn't control what was coming out of my mouth or like thoughts would come out way worse than in my head. Not saying it's ok that she's treating you like this but my advice would be to just have a sense of humor about it- try to make her laugh/tease her if she likes that. If she gets to the nesting phase and wants every corner of your home cleaner than it's ever been, offer to hire someone. I remember having my husband and I scrub everything with toothbrushes and there's no way he could do it well enough. Also be aware that you'll probably need to be very lighthearted postpartum - that's another time I had a huge hormone change. It will all pass and these challenges will be long gone and you'll still love each other. I appreciate the sacrifice my husband made in putting up with me and all the wonderful help and support he was to me and he appreciates how incredibly difficult pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum were for me.

She needs to go away when she feels the rage. Not acceptable to take it out on you. If it happens at work I'm sure she manages to control herself.

I agree with the majority of posters. Yes, at 7 months pregnancy is making me a bad tempered cow and I hate missing out on my sleep! I have been snappy and short with DH many times but have always tried to keep the language respectful and have apologised and tried to be honest about exactly how I'm feeling. Yes, she is suffering but there is no excuse that's good enough for you to insult your OH in such a manner. If it had been the other way round, no doubt it would have triggered a chorus of 'LTB' on here! Good luck, I really hope you can get through to her.

I think you could just about excuse that behaviour mid-labour but that's about it.

If this behaviour is out of character, you should ask her to make a GP appointment to rule out a pregnancy related mental health issue.

I can also relate to your wife. I'm 36 weeks and have periods of intense frustration and rage towards my husband. For me it's because my husband also lists all these things that he "does for me" and what I really want is someone to talk to about how scared I am and how physically hard being in your 9th month of pregnancy is. But he tells me he's worked a long day at his desk and put a few plates in the dishwasher and now wants some peace and quiet.

I know it can be hard for men during pregnancy and lots of my pregnant friends husbands do lots of practical stuff but can't see that what we really need is emotional support. Swearing at you isn't nice but I am not sure any man truly understands how it feels to be pregnant and can honestly say they would react differently - it's really bloody difficult to go for 9 months with no sleep, unable to eat all your favourite things, also not able to have a glass of wine to relax, consistent aches and pains in places you didn't know exist leaving you unable to do simple things like put your own shoes on, heartburn that feels like daggers jn your chest (hence I'm up at 2pm for about the 32nd week running...) coupled with all the worries about how your body is changing, how the relationships with your friends will change, what will happen with your career, how you'll cope on maternity pay and insecurities about having to be more reliant on someone else both physically and financially. In general (and this may not be true for you but you mention going to work so I suspect some of the career concerns etc don't impact you as much as they do your wife) the mum's wife changes beyond belief and lots of things change for the dad and that's also really hard to deal with. And I think a lot of women find it even harder to deal with all of these concerns when you haven't slept in months and have had symptoms for 9 months which, if you weren't pregnant, would be treated as an illness and would elicit concern. There aren't many people who would deal with 9 months of insomnia and horribke symptoms with a smile on their face.

I'm absolutely not defending her language but hoping to be able to convey that she probably has lots of emotional things going on that can't be cured by a foot rub and probably finds it hard to talk about and it might be fear, frustration, loneliness, and a desperate need for emotional rather than physical support leading her to react in the way she does.

When I feel like this I need a hug, someone to listen to me, to talk through my concerns and come up with some solutions that suit us both (eg understanding how the money situation will work) and generally some love rather than physical help. But don't stop the foot rubs!

I obviously meant the mum's life not wife. I reiterate, extreme tiredness does awful things to a woman's brain...

I'm going to weigh in with the people suggesting that she may even suffering from antenatal depression, here. I'm having a relatively easy pregnancy, and I'm not that grumpy with my other half, but I have suffered very bad mental health problems in the past and GOD DAMN does her behaviour ever sound shamefully familiar to me. I don't think "putting your foot down" is really going to help much on its own, but if you can do it in a way that also helps her to get help (ie "I love you honey, and I think that the fact that you are lashing out so cruelly at me means that something is very wrong, and you need to speak to your gp about it") and not in the heat of the moment, that might help you support her in asking for help.

If I'm right about how she's feeling, it might make you feel a bit better that the horrible yelling usually comes from a place of fear, and not of hate - I always found that I felt utterly terrified and was having a really awful fight or flight reaction. It's incredibly counterproductive, and not very logical, but that's why mental illness is a problem!

Completely agree with hurryupandgetout. Excellent post. I know you're trying your best but I have never felt as out of control and vulnerable as in pregnancy. Despite an extremely supportive DH who has been waiting his whole life to be a father I can't shake the overwhelming feeling that I'm basically in this alone and he'd have to be doing a lot more than foot rubs to make me think otherwise

Thanks for all the comments. I read them all and appreciate you all taking the time to offer constructive and supportive advice. I'm going to play it one day at a time. Things are good between us far, far more often than they are bad. I'm sure we'll get there. :-)

Having read your 2nd post, I also don't think putting your foot down is going to help and also find that it sounds familiar from past mental health issues. If your partner is frequently sobbing, despairing and so on, then I think seeing a professional about depression etc is appropriate. It can be hard to get taken seriously if you're mostly coping though, so be ready for that.

An alternative is Relate - they are very good, and could perhaps help you both figure out what's acceptable, what's not and whether more help is required.

That said, it may be that although you're trying really hard, your support isn't as effective as you'd like and/or she's still feeling overwhelmed.

In most households, the woman is responsible for managing the house and either doing routine chores or ensuring they're done. If you've come from quite a traditional/typical set up, she may still have more on her plate than you realise, even if you do cook dinner / rub her feet / not leave your socks on the floor... Think about all the areas in your joint lives (e.g. house / car / finances / bills / family obligations), how many hours they take per day/week and who is responsible for them/handles them most. If you're not doing at least half, then maybe she's just dealing with hormones + sleep deprivation + too much to do.

I know it was an enormous shift for us when my DP suddenly realised that he was equally responsible for all areas of our lives, including the shitty bits (bill paying, cleaning toilets...) not just the ones he'd marked as "his bits" (car, mowing the lawn, cooking...). And the amount of sobbing and yelling did drop dramatically.

Best of luck.