Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Advice on whether to go ahead with pregnancy

27 replies

Onionpeeler · 18/03/2015 19:11

Hi Mumsnet, I hope some of you can advise me what to do.

I'm 39 and I've just found out I'm pregnant. My boyfriend already has three children and two grandchildren (he's 44) from a previous relationship. We are from quite different backgrounds, he's working class and doesn't own his own property; I've got degree and own house etc.

I just don't know whether to go ahead or not as, aged 39, time is running out. He's a lovely guy and works hard as a plumber, is good company and we get on very well. I don't like his family as half of them are on benefits/have tattoos/go to the bingo. Having said that, they are nice people and having seen some horror in-law situations, I don't envisage any major arguments.

He is being neutral about the whole thing. He said whatever I decide will be ok. He said he's not going to tell me what to do as doesn't want to get blamed for any decision I might regret.

I'm swinging almost hourly from keeping the baby to getting a termination. I don't know what to do.

He is quite limited on his interests in life (football, tennis, at a push going to Bluewater). I've often asked him to come to the park/go for a cycle ride/drive to a pub in the country; he just doesn't want to do that. On the flip side, he's kind, caring and as loyal as they come.

I should probably have split up with him and tried to find someone with a bit less baggage and someone who's a bit more suitable, but we got together when I was feeling quite lonely and he just ended up staying over every night and 18 months on, this happens.

It wasn't planned and when I told him he went pretty quiet for a while. I don't know what to think.

Advice please?

OP posts:
VixxFace · 18/03/2015 19:21

You seem charmingHmm

batfish · 18/03/2015 19:22

Hi onion - it sounds like you have 2 separate issues here - the first is whether you want to spend the rest of your life with your partner and the other is the baby. Your post basically reads as a question about whether you should stay with your partner - and that's a difficult one as he sounds like a nice man but maybe just not very adventurous and (I don't mean this to sound awful but I can't think of a nicer way to put it) it sounds to me like you think you are better than his family. I can't work out whether you think the same about him. If he makes you happy and you can depend on him and you can cope with the repetitive social calendar then he sounds like a good enough bet. But if you feel like doing the same things day in day out and him refusing to try anything new will drive you slowly mad then you should think again.

Now the baby - what factors would make you keep or not keep the baby? Is it that you would keep it if you stay with him and won't if you don't? You didn't say how you feel about having children - is it something you have always wanted or have you never been bothered? It would seem that people very rarely regret having a baby whatever the circumstances - but if it's not something you're excited about then it is hard for you to picture it. Sounds like you could take it or leave it at the moment.

Hope you decide what is best for you all and I really hope I didn't come across as rude, I didn't intend to!

Aley009 · 18/03/2015 19:25

Is he a good dad to his kids? I get that you don't have lot in common but I don't see that as any ground to not keep the baby? I think if you don't see yourself being with him down the line to atleast try and be friends , I can't help but say that it sounds like you look down upon him. Tattoos do not define a person and neither does 'going to the bingo' I hope you can think more clearly about this as this is a tiny life and no one can really decide this but you

sparing · 18/03/2015 19:25

So do you, VixxFace.

You know what I would do? I would ditch the guy and keep the baby. Not because there sounds like there's anything particularly wrong with him, but because you don't seem that into him.

Believe me, I've been there - having a baby will magnify even tiny issues in your relationship. With the kind of differences that you have already, it'll be a non starter when you throw a baby into the mix.

It's perfectly possible to raise a baby by yourself, especially if you have a decent job, home etc. I work ft and have brought up my child alone and we have a fantastic life. We're so close and it's hugely successful rewarding.

It might be your last chance. Go it alone.

Gemerama · 18/03/2015 19:26

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

sparing · 18/03/2015 19:27

Oh I don't know where that "successful" came from!

passmethewineplease · 18/03/2015 19:30

Yes God forbid being tied to a family who may go to the bingo and have a tattoo. Hmm

OP do you want a baby? I'd finish it you don't really sound as if you like him all that much tbh.

Quitelikely · 18/03/2015 19:34

It depends if you want a baby.

I think you are suggesting he isn't the sort of father you would want your baby to have and regardless of what anyone on here says you are quite within your rights to set your own standards in that regard.

Having a baby is like throwing a bomb into your relationship.

It's telling that he has remained quiet. he has been through the baby stages but understands he can't stop you from going ahead so is just waiting until you have made your choice.

Good luck with it all.

MrsRaegan · 18/03/2015 19:40

For his benefit you need to end it. Poor bloke.

MrsRaegan · 18/03/2015 19:41

P.S I have 4 tattos, quite partial to a game of bingo with my nana, and have a degree and my own home. Where do I fit into your stereotypes? Hmm

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 18/03/2015 19:44

Poor guy. Not sure what his family being on benefits and having tattoos have to do with whether you bring a life into the world or not. Or his perceived class.

2 separate issues here. 1) do you want a baby? 2) do you want to be with your partner? It doesn't sound like you like him very much, let alone love him. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have a baby though.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 18/03/2015 19:46

I also have a degree (in law) and a tattoo. I don't like walking or cycling but have never been on benefits and am in the higher rate tax bracket. What class am I?

Gemerama · 18/03/2015 19:48

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

sparing · 18/03/2015 19:51

Oh sod off with all the class whiny crap.

If you haven't got anything useful to say, don't bother.

OP I think with the bingo/tattoo stuff what you are saying is that you don't have shared goals or a shared world view with this man. It's often the case that you are attracted to people who are like you, who have a similar background and similar families and a similar outlook on life.

Evidently you are very different, and putting a baby in there is, like a pp said, like a bomb in your relationship.

So it's relevant because it means your relationship probably isn't built to last. So you need to decide whether you'd be happy to be doing it alone, sooner or later.

scarednoob · 18/03/2015 20:01

do you love him?

would you love the baby?

the 2 aren't mutually dependent; you can have one without the other, it's just a lot harder. if it were me in this situation, i think i would look back somewhere from the wrong side of 40 when it was too late and regret not having the child. but that's just me - you might be perfectly happy not having any! however, i think that is where your focus should be when it comes to the baby.

ch1134 · 18/03/2015 20:18

Sounds like you're not sure about him. I couldn't have a baby with a man I wasn't sure of... but at 39 and with a degree I would have a baby alone.
I'm not you, but personally wouldn't terminate.
I wouldn't stay with someone I wasn't sure of either...
No idea where tattoos, bingo, or even family come into it though!

iniquity · 18/03/2015 23:04

It all comes down to whether you want to be a mother or not.
He might not be the man you dreamed of but at your age you are running low on time most probably.

Number3cometome · 19/03/2015 11:32

You clearly don't love him, sounds more like you feel sorry for him than anything.

OP I think you perhaps could have worded your post a bit better - it comes across that you think you are better than him, I don't think you meant it like that, more of a lack of things in common, but you are likely to get flamed for it so just be aware.

The issue here is whether you want to keep the baby. No one can tell you what to do, but the fact you are not absolutely certain on a termination says to me that you may regret it in the long run.

You need to separate the two issues (relationship & baby) and deal with them as different problems.

As you have said, you have income and property, so can financially cope.

It's mentally that is the struggle.

DisneyMillie · 19/03/2015 11:37

I agree you that you need to try and think about the baby and the man as separate issues. You imply he and his family are nice people so being connected through a baby shouldn't be terrible IF you decide you want the baby.

I think you need to try and focus on your feelings about the baby and maybe give yourself a bit of time - your hormones will be all over the place so give yourself a chance to make a decision

OMC1 · 19/03/2015 11:57

I think I agree with the majority here.

It sounds from reading your OP that you aren't happy with your other half, or you wouldn't be having these feelings in the first place, but just because you don't want to/can't be with him doesn't mean you can't still have the baby.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and I wish you all the best.

CactusAnnie · 19/03/2015 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Number3cometome · 19/03/2015 13:01

CactusAnnie

Bit spikey today aren't we Cactus Grin

CactusAnnie · 19/03/2015 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Number3cometome · 19/03/2015 13:09

Oh come on, everyone likes a stealth boast Wink

I did say previously I think OP could have worded it a bit more sensitively.

I don't have a degree, I do have tattoos, but I don't go to bingo.

None are relevant, so I can see what some of the posters are getting at, however it is clearly a time to be sensitive to the OP, and this was not posted in AIBU so probably a bit uncalled for on this occasion.

CactusAnnie · 19/03/2015 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.