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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How can I make my pregnant teen see sense

35 replies

K100J · 17/03/2015 22:55

Im worried about my daughter. Shes 15 and recently dropped the bombshell that shes pregnant. After the initial shock my hubby and I sat her down and told her that although its not the best situation to be in, we would support her 100%

Shes only a couple of months gone and up until a few days ago she has been dead set on keeping the baby, however now she has decided that shes thinking about adoption.

I would be really sad to see her going through with adoption for the simple reason that I think she is doing it for all the wrong reasons. I know in my heart she is being influenced by her peers reactions to her pregnancy although she would not admit it.

I know I cant stop her going through with an adoption but I know my daughter and I know she will regret it for the rest of her life.

I tried to explain to her that she might regret adoption and I would not pretend to agree with it (not that I dont agree with adoption in general, just that I dont agree its the best option for her) I told her she has the support of me and her father if she wishes to keep the child so she would never have to worry about doing it on her own.

Ever since this conversation she has become withdrawn and barley speaks to me, I want to be there for my daughter and I dont want to push her into anything but shes 15 and in my eyes still my baby, I am trying to protect her from making a big mistake but my hands are tied. I feel like I have to just sit back and watch her doing something that shes going to regret all because of what her friends think.

I dont know wither to tackle this head on or give her time and hope she changes her mind. I dont want to push her further away from me, we have always been so close and I dont want to wreck our relationship.

OP posts:

TerrysNo3 · 17/03/2015 23:00

I have no experience of a situation like this but I can't help thinking that it might be best to get someone else, who is independent, to talk to your daughter about her options. I think she is more likely to be able to speak to someone else honestly and openly about this. I would assume that a counselling service would be offered to her anyway if she was thinking of giving the baby up.

Aside from that you can only support her choices, even if you disagree with them because you risk pushing her further away if you don't. At the end of the day if she makes any mistake in life would you be there telling her "I told you so" or just be there for her?

Good luck!

expatinscotland · 17/03/2015 23:02

Oh, poor you! Bumping in case someone else with more experience is about.

AuntieStella · 17/03/2015 23:02

If you don't want to wreck your relationship, you need to support her whatever she chooses, and that might mean a course of action that you woukdn't choose for her.

You really do need to back off immediately from criticising her choice, and saying how much you'll support her if she does something else.

I know she's your child and you want to fix this for her. But I'm afraid you can't. She has to find her way through this. You can be her sounding board, and you can make sure she's fully informed, but it's her choice.

RandomMess · 17/03/2015 23:03

Under these circumstances the usual practice is that the baby would go to foster parents and your dd would be given plenty of opportunity to bond/visit/spend time with the baby and will be free to change her mind at any time.

I would try to stay calm and realise there is a long, long time ahead in which she can change her mind.

BitchPeas · 17/03/2015 23:04

It's a hard situation for you for supporting her if she decides to keep the baby. Adoption is a massive choice. And a hard one.

I may get flamed for this and I'm sorry if I upset you but you say she's only a couple of months, has she considered termination? Have you mentioned to her? IMO it's a much much easier and kinder 'out' for a 15 yr old than adoption.

AuntieStella · 17/03/2015 23:09

Is the father a steady boyfriend? Is he sticking around?

And if so, do you know what he thinks about the way ahead?

halfwayupthehill · 17/03/2015 23:14

Could social services talk to her about fostering so she has longer to decide post birth?

SauvignonSash · 17/03/2015 23:16

I've got to say, she might one day regret having kept a baby at 15 years old more than adoption. On the 'if you could go back, would you still have your children' thread, many of the people who said 'no' explained that this was because they'd had children too young and felt it had stopped them from reaching their potential and doing what they wanted to do with their lives.

Original poster

K100J · 17/03/2015 23:17

She is not willing to even consider termination.

Shes not in a relationship and the father has decided not to be involved.

I know its her choice but it pains me to think about watching my daughter make a decision that she will regret. She was determined that she was keeping the baby and then some girls at school said something about her being pregnant and from then she decided that she did not want to keep her baby.

You know what teenage girls are like, they are so easy influenced and they think their peers know everything. I just dont want her to look back and have regrets or wonder why her mum did not try to stop her.

OP posts:

Snowflake15 · 17/03/2015 23:24

As the pregnancy progresses and after giving birth she may well change her mind. But you need to support her either way and even though you say you know your daughter (I don't doubt that you do), you can't say for certain that she will regret it, no one can. Is there a way you could perhaps adopt the child?

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 17/03/2015 23:25

You told her you would support her 100% then told her (effectively) you don't. You may be right but it is her decision to make and live with. Your decision is support her or don't once she has made that choice.

help her explore adoption and fostering, be with her to discuss the reality of the actual process, support her. She may change her mind 100 times before the birth - it's early days yet so let her examine her options in detail. She just needs to know you are there whatever happens - regardless of your own feelings on the subject. She is your baby but she has stepped into an adult role now so you need to allow her to take that role however tough that is.

DakotaFanny · 17/03/2015 23:30

Did she post here the other day?? There was a very similar thread from girls PoV

Maryz · 17/03/2015 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedABumChange · 17/03/2015 23:35

Sorry but I think you obviously went to hard with the anti adoption view and that is why she has withdrawn. She needs to feel that whatever she says you will be proud of her and respect her decision about with to do with her baby.

How much experience do you have with adoption? I think the best thing to do is help her learn more about every option including those you don't agree with. You never know, you might change your mind.

BuggersMuddle · 17/03/2015 23:35

Do you know where the anti-termination view is coming from? Is she at a religious school?

If she doesn't want to raise the baby, does she understand what she's putting her body through in order to give it away? (I'm not btw suggesting this is a bad thing, but as someone who went to a Catholic school, the difficulty of getting child to the point of adoption & the impact on the mother's body was never discussed - of course this was not last week, so hopefully things have improved).

sleeponeday · 17/03/2015 23:41

You can't make her see sense. You can support her in making sense of her own body, life, and situation.

I think she needs counselling, tbh, and from some neutral source - NOT a pro-life body. I'd call your GP and ask to speak to someone from CAMHS about an emergency referral for her.

If she does go through with the pregnancy - and it's still early, and the reality may mean she decides otherwise yet - then adoption isn't overnight these days. She will have time to change her mind, if she wants to. There's a reason infant adoption is so very, very rare.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/03/2015 23:42

Oh wow, what a difficult situation. For all of you.

At this early stage, DD is probably unsure what she really wants. If you don't mind me asking, what reasons has she given for not wanting a termination? My thinking being that those reasons may also stop her from going through with an adoption too.

There are many things throughout a pregnancy that may well make her change her mind - seeing a bump develop, seeing her scan pictures, hearing the heartbeat for the first time, feeling the baby move, finding out the sex of the baby etc. etc. And if she is still wanting to have her baby adopted as she goes into labour, just the feeling of seeing & holding the baby for the first time might change her mind.

Ultimately though, if she goes through all of the above (and she will have to) and still wants to give the baby up for adoption, then I think that you will have to accept & respect that decision.

I second the recommendation for some independent, non judgmental (i.e. not specifically anti-abortion) advice.

I know you are not me (obviously), but I can't help thinking that if my child were in this situation & did not want to keep/raise the baby, then a termination sooner rather than later (while the process is less invasive) would be the best option. It is important that, whatever happens, it's DD's decision though isn't it - as it's her baby.

Best of luck to you all .

sleeponeday · 17/03/2015 23:43

I agree a blunt conversation on what is actually involved in pregnancy and birth, and what it can do to a body without access to plastic surgeons, chefs and nutritionists, personal trainers and Photoshop might be in order. It comes as a shock to us all, I think!

Original poster

K100J · 18/03/2015 00:03

She said she does not agree with abortion and point blank refused to even discuss it.

If she goes ahead with an adoption I will support her, my problem is that I know its because some girls gave her a hard time.

OP posts:

mrstothemr · 18/03/2015 04:58

If the influence of these girls at school is your worry could you try to help her make sure she elects to listen to people who she really trusts? Obviously you'd have to avoid saying that's you but if you've close family friends or similar they might help her.

Also, haven't read this up thread, but I'm guessing the comment that affected her only did so because it mirrored a worry she already had. The only way you're going to hear what that actually is imo is by dropping all heavy conversations, giving her lots of love in whatever way she's comfortable and letting her have time. It's a big thing for her to deal with, especially when she's right on the cusp of realising her own independence.

Good luck

houseofnerds · 18/03/2015 05:07

What support did your Gp offer when she went to confirm the pregnancy? Did you go with her?

I am mildly frustrated at the 'decided not to be involved' dad. Have you sat down and discussed the matter with his parents? Is he a minor? Or is he of age?

Florin · 18/03/2015 05:07

I think your daughter is over on the adoption boards. I would suggest reading her point of view and then trying to talk it through.

FishWithABicycle · 18/03/2015 05:29

It's clear from your thread title and your OP that you don't actually support her 100%. She has your 100% support if she does what you think she should, and probably only about 75% if she makes a different choice. I'm not at all surprised she's withdrawing from you.

There isn't a "right" decision. There isn't an option that doesn't lead to grief, regret, missed opportunity. You say you're only trying to stop her making a decision she will regret. She will have regrets whatever she chooses. Your attitude is only going to make her feel worse whatever happens as you are implying, incorrectly, that there's a path that leads to everyone being happy and if she doesn't end up happy it's due to some flaw in her.

15 year olds aren't great at making wise decisions. It is more important that she feels the choice she made was her choice than that you think it was the best choice. Some independent non-judgmental counselling from someone with no personal opinion about which path is right would be a very good idea if you can arrange it. Meanwhile, keep your opinions to yourself if you want to keep your daughter's trust.

Jackieharris · 18/03/2015 05:41

She needs independent counselling, and quickly.

It is unlikely an adoption will come to fruition. As someone else said social work will ask (both) families first before looking for a stranger. I can't imagine this is what she has in mind.

She is maybe influenced by American movies/tv where teen adoption is more common. You could watch these together and have open discussions about the issues raised. It is much easier to be a teen mum in the UK than in the US.

At the moment though you have to be seen to be 100% supportive even if that isn't what is in your heart.

curlii103 · 18/03/2015 08:11

I think she's too early to make that decision. A couple of months when you feel fine uou can feel perfectly disassociated...9 months in and giving up your baby sounds a totally different ball game. obviously it's her decision but it is also your family too so you should be involved

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