Anxious dad

[Paulturbo83]

Hi all,

I hope you don't mind an expectant dad posting in here but I don't know where else to turn?

My wife and I are currently coming up to 8 weeks pregnant,we had two miss-carriages last year and our current pregnancy was done using chlomid.

I have been very stressed at work over the last few months and we have a hell of a lot going on in of life ,I am best man at my brothers wedding in Mexico in May. My wife has a new job which she starts in April but she accepted this before we found out she was pregnant, so this is a worry for me when she tells her new employer she is pregnant he may decide to get rid of her? Also she is only entitled to maternity allowance.

Last week I had a meltdown after our 6 week scan, I couldn't fuction was a crying wreck and my brain was going over and over about money and how we are going to afford this,even though I earn good money and I am managing to save around 500-600 a month at the moment.I left work that morning and went to see my gp who said I was suffering from severe anxiety and stress and prescribed me some anti depressants. I am normally a strong man in charge with a plan , type of person so the thought of taking these pills didn't appeal to me, I took them for 4 days with the horrendous side effects decided this wasn't for me. I phoned my gp and asked to come off of them,which he agreed and I haven't took any since Friday. However I am still very delicate emotionally and finding it difficult and overwhelming to do the easiest of tasks like hoovering or going to get my hair cut.

I feel better today but i am still not myself, my boss has told me to take this week off as well and don't worry about a thing. But that's the point I am constantly worrying about how much stuff costs, how are we going to pay the bills fix the fence re surface the drive and do all the other things that need doing on my wage, it's very overwhelming.

I am happy we are pregnant but also not happy if you know what I mean? My wife is terrified I have Alzheimer's which my father was diagnosed with last year, this doesn't help Her as we are already worried we will loose this pregnancy as well. I am not being very supportive for her because I cant , I struggle to look after myself at the moment.

Anyway we have our 8 week scan next Monday and I worried I will have another meltdown, can anyone re-assure me or have had their husband or bf been through the same thing?

Will I ever be able to be excited about this or will I just be stressed right up until the baby comes?

I just feel out of control and unable to see the future clearly.

Sorry for whittling on!

Thank you for your kind response, actually made me cry.

I have no idea how much a new born costs extra a month?

I love my wife very much and I can't see her go through another mc.

Please try not to worry about money. Newborns really don't cost anything like the media and others would have you believe. I found that the extra costs were almost completely offset by the fact that I just wasn't going out as much and didn't have a holiday that year.

That said, I have no worries whatsoever about using second hand, charity shops, ebay, friends' donations etc. My 3 in 1 pram / pushchair / car seat was £50 from a car boot and in fantastic condition with rain cover, parasol etc. My cot came from my cousin who had finished with it. I got given so many babygros I had to give some away before the baby was even born!

I prefer second hand for environmental reasons, but obviously they have a financial benefit too. Babies just don't use this stuff for very long and they don't really wear stuff out either, so as long as you can put it in a hot wash or spray it with dettol before you use it I have no worries about it. I don't really like second hand books and cuddly toys, but you get bought so many of these you don't really need to spend money on them.

Having said all that, your anxiety is completely understandable as becoming a parent is one of the biggest changes that can happen in life. I got quite anxious and depressed during my pregnancy. Not helped because I knew I would be doing it alone. Now 13 years later (and even with the stress of parenting a teen!) I still know that it was the best thing that ever happened to me and I don't regret it for a second.

You sound like such a caring husband who just wants to take care of his wife and baby and it is totally normal to feel worried. However it does sound like you are more stressed than the typical anxieties that come with having a baby.

I would just suggest the same - that you plan all of your finances out on a spreadsheet so that you feel in control of things and can see that you will be fine when the baby comes. I am sure you can lots of info on here or on other websites about the types of baby related costs you can expect to incur. If you are currently saving a good amount of money then you are obviously careful with your finances so I am sure you will be fine. But it just sounds like everything is getting on top of you at the moment and you can't see how it will all work out.

So again as has already been suggested I would definitely look into some kind of counselling - there is absolutely no shame in it and actually a lot of couples do it before having children as it is such a massive change and a worrying time - it will help you work through your concerns either on your own or with your wife.

You will be fine, you just need to get yourself to the point where things seem more manageable. I am 10 weeks pregnant and although I have thankfully never miscarried I have seen a friend go through some awful times and so I think I had her anxieties, up to having a 9 week scan I was absolutely petrified - and no amount of people saying to me 'it will be fine, there is no point in worrying about the things that you can't do anything about' made it any better. So although I would love to say don't worry about miscarriage as for now everything is fine - I know it isn't that easy.

I wish your wife a happy and healthy pregnancy and I hope that you get the help you need to be able to enjoy it alongside her and look forward to the arrival of your baby

Firstly Congratulations!

When we found out I was pregnant DH and I sat down and did a budget, when you feel ready might be worth doing this for reassurance and perspective.

Mat pay weather stat or allowance is not great but is at least something. Can things like the fence and drive wait? Check if your entitled to child benefit as well, it's not a lot but around £80 PM.

If you have family or friends willing to buy stuff take them up on it! You can also get great stuff at nct sales and eBay etc.

DH found that by addressing the practical/money side this subsided his anxiety somewhat.

You obviously care deeply for your wife, I found that by DH talking to me about any issues I could work through them with him and made me worry less.

You are saving a great amount of money and things like petrol etc may decrease if DW on mat leave.

Hope scan goes well. I'm now 21 weeks and DH getting excited about putting up nursery etc. finding out sex helped for us as DH could bond with our little boy but not same for everyone!

Thank you all for the replies,

I had a look on eBay last night and was staggered at how cheap you can get a cot/pram/car seat etc for ,some of it still had its original packaging.

I think part of my problem is that I'm an engineer and I always know what to expect and do but with a pregnancy I just have to watch my wife go through it with no control over it. She is also an estate agent and earns good money but obviously with a baby it's a massive re adjustment to what she does now.

I will try the counselling thing as my work offer this service for free, it can't do any harm to try.

Congratulations!

Lack of control during pregnancy is an absolute nightmare. During my first pregnancy I had a big bleed at 13 weeks and the fear was terrible-i can only imagine what you've been through to get here. It is understandable you're feeling so stressed.

Keep in touch with your GP about the anxiety, take any help that's offered. It sounds like your employer is reasonable too so that's good.

It is illegal to get rid of an employee because she's pregnant.

When we were expecting ds we were a hive of activity for months. Rushing around, buying things, decorating(the entire house! Lest the newborn comment on the state of the paintwork in the bathroom!!) and generally exhausting ourselves. It's nice to have everything ready for a new baby but 7 months is a long time and you will get what needs to be done done.

E bay and second hand sale are fantastic for bargains. If it helps to feel a bit more in control and plan your finances have a look at the prices of stuff. I have no idea where the enormous amounts quoted on some sites comes from!

As pp said you may find that you feel increasingly secure as the weeks go by.

You sound a very caring man therefore you will make a fantastic Dad!

In practical terms I have to say a spreadsheet will help you have the facts about your income/outgoings and stop things spiralling around in your head. But £500 a month savings sounds plenty.

In terms of emotional matters you are going through a hard time and are having an anxiety episode. I have had this before and it will pass. Antidepressants can help but there are other things to try too. Would your doctor prescribe you some very short term diazepam - it's addictive long term but a few days on it can really help relax you and put things into perspective, believe me! Alternatively Propranolol (non addictive) a beta blocker can help with physical symptoms such as fast heartbeat. Finally if you do need /want to take anti-deps this has no bearing at all on your strength or you as a man. I doubt you'd hesitate to take needed medication for a physical illness and mental illness should be no different. It's not a weakness.

It will pass though with help

xx

We had two miscarriages before this pregnancy stuck, and I know my husband found it really difficult. He really wanted to support me, but also had his own, valid, worries. He had some time with a close friend to just talk about his worries, as he felt he couldn't burden me with them (his words, not mine) and then do idea to seek a couple of sessions of counselling. He said that having an impartial person to just offload his concerns too, who was detached from the situation really helped. It might not be for everyone, but like you say, can't do any harm to try.

You sound like a great partner, and that you'll be a wonderful caring dad. Miscarriages are awful, and I do think the impact on dad's can be too easily over looked. Don't beat yourself up about it, a baby is an overwhelming prospect and it can take some time to get your head round it, even when it's been on the cards for a long time. I know it took us a long time to accept this pregnancy, but we are now a week off our due date, and the excitement has now outweighed the worry!

You've had some good advice here, but it sounds to me as if anti-depressants might be of real benefit to you. I'd suggest seeing your GP again and discussing a different drug or a different dosage. And, unless the side-effects are absolutely disabling, trying them for a bit longer? They can take a while to settle down as your system adjusts ime. Counselling, obviously, too - but I think that if you felt calmer about life in general, you would be able to work on why exactly you are anxious to the point of breakdown, and on talking through your entirely understandable responses to the trauma of miscarriages.

And there's no need to think that you suddenly need a huge amount of extra money as soon as your baby is born. Having a child is (eventually) expensive, but our biggest cost has been childcare (we have a three year old) - everything else has been pretty minimal. Breastfeeding, if your wife can, is free, obviously, and nappies are the only other major expense of the first year. Our son lived in secondhand NCT clothes and the clothes family and friends gave him, and we bought a secondhand cot, highchair etc. Our parents/ILs gave us a pushchair that could be used from newborn, and we bought a new carseat ourselves. They need very little when they're new.

I do think you'll be a very good father. Very best wishes to you both.

Hi Paul,
My husband is also an engineer and also evaluating the risks constantly for us which makes him too very anxious indeed!
When I became pregnant with our first child we were no where near financial stability and it was a great worry how much we would have to spend for a baby.
Yet we managed it without problems.
First big expense to forget:

1. Fully equipped baby nursery

All you need is a bed for the baby that can be in your room with you and a bouncy chair, (can get a lovely new one from Bright Starts or the like from 25pounds at John Lewis for example).

1. Full travel system

We were gifted a pram from my family that came with a car seat but you can use a sling almost solely for the first 6 months (my daughter preferred this to the pram but obviously not all babies will), and indeed second hand prams can be found at a fraction of the full price and often in great condition.

1. An overflowing wardrobe of expensive baby clothes

You will likely be gifted a LOT of small sized clothes so this need not be a worry but you can shop very cheaply at Florence and Fred at Tesco and Mothercare for the basics - and stores like GAP have excellent sales on the baby clothes. You can really make do with very little for a baby (especially if you're breast feeding as you'll need no accoutrements to do so), all it needs is warmth, shelter, food, love/comfort and some toys to help it play and learn. If you would consider counselling then it would definitely help to alleviate your worries because everyone has these anxieties to some extent and it doesn't hurt to hear that you're not alone and it's definitely normal! Best of luck to you and your wife

Hi there OP.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I am so sorry you are experiencing these high levels of anxiety. It's dreadful, and really scary, and I know because it's happened to me too at the beginning of both my pregnancies.

You know what, though - it doesn't sound like you need to worry about the practicalities. You have plenty of time to sit and make budget spreadsheets and work out how to handle the money. You sound like an organised, in control person - and when this anxiety has subsided you will be able to take charge of all of that stuff just fine.

So that just leaves the anxiety - and that's where you need to reach out for help (you have shown that you are wise enough to do that by going to your GP and coming here to MN.) You should go back to your GP for another chat, and make a plan for counselling and other ways to tackle this anxiety if the anti-depressants are not working for you.

Then, all you need to do is follow the plan. Stick with it and the anxiety will start to go away and you can start enjoying this magical time.

You sound lovely. Your wife and baby are so lucky to have you as a dad.

Paul, you sound like a really caring husband. We have not suffered miscarriages, and have no idea what it's like going through that, not once, but twice, but it must be extremely hard. Congratulations on the pregnancy, and I'm hoping for you that all goes like clockwork. Tbh, if you're able to save £500 a month I'd say you're well set up, as pp have said, buy stuff second hand, especially pushchair, cot, the big stuff that can just be wiped down. Car boots can also be a great place, there are a lot of baby/child car boots. I can understand what you mean by not being in control, my DH feels the same. We've had it easy and straightforward so far, but he feels bad there's nothing he can do, he can't take the pain and sickness that I feel, he can't carry the baby for a while for me, he has to sit and watch me when I'm struggling. He is being amazing and supportive, is doing most of the cooking for me, helping with cleaning and shopping, and just being there for me, offering to get me a drink, cuddling/snuggling when I'm not feeling great. I can fully understand wanting to be organised and ready, but you have time. If you've got family around who want to help, can you ask for baby items from them as baby shower/birth gifts? Please try and relax and enjoy this experience with your wife, as pp have said, all the baby needs is the basics, love and care are the most important things it will ever need. I know you're struggling, and please don't burn out, just be there for your wife. I'm sure everything will turn out fine for you both. Best of luck

Aw congratulations first of all!

Now sit down, have and take a deep breath.

I'm 27 weeks and for the first 14 weeks I was a mess of "can we afford this, what if blah blah blah"

Then I checked myself and remember that our parents managed to raise us on much less dosposable income, higher mortgage rates, and gawd knows what else.

After that I just adopted a "what if...., well we'll figure it out" policy

Things that helped me:
Money - OH would spend his money like water. So we now are trying to live of one wage and save the other (some months better than others with this)
Wrote out all outgoings and established what can afford to save each month.

Baby stuff - start doing research on what you'll NEED. We didn't start buying til after 20week scan. But I had written a list of "recommended stuff" and then thought about whether I would use it.

Examples =

a baby bath - Both of us are tall. So we are going to just use the basin in sink.
Cotton wool - personally this gies me the boulk. So I'm buying faceclothes and a tub to store them already pre-soaked for ease.
Nappies - consider cloth ones. (We aren't but I'm still trying to persuade OH )
Furniture/prams - charidee shops are your friend. Look for the "community" ones that specialise in baby/kids stuff. With cots/moses baskets you will need new matresses.

Like everything, it's as expensive as you want to make it.

Do your research basically and don't let the media fool you into buying stuff you don't ever use

Also once you announce baby on way, you'll find people come out of the woodwork with free loans and if it's the first baby in family grandparents will want to buy you loads

Oh and if you have a car, don't fall for the hype of "you'll need a bigger car"
This is trotted out fairly regularly to me. My car is paid off and I have no intention of buying a new one just because it's not a huge beast of a car that I would be feart to drive anyway pfft

Good luck. And congratulations again to you and DW

Thank you all for your replys,sounds like I don't really have to much to moan about. Just need to start telling myself this regularly .

Congratulations !

You WILL be ok. I think sometimes we don't see how anxious our partners get - they have zero control over things but still feel responsible. Worrying to a degree is normal, but if you feel you're having anxiety you can't control, I'd suggest two things. Firstly, talk to your wife about how you feel. Very openly. Don't feel you have to be superman and able to deal with everything. Secondly, talk to your gp.

If you can take even a long weekend (Easter is coming up) then do, and just spend it together relaxing.

One thing that did strike me is your partners worry over Alzheimer's. I don't know how old your father is, but let me just say that it is extremely unusual to have a diagnosis at YOUR age (I'm assuming you're 30-40 ish.) it is, however, a massive shock to you and your family. Again, speak to your GP about this. She will be able to reassure you and perhaps point you to support groups either in real life or online to help manage your fathers condition.

I think you're overwhelmed by your fathers diagnosis and the impending arrival of a baby - this is absolutely, totally understandable and you would be a bit odd if it didn't affect you. Get all the info and take all the help you can get with your father, and repeat twenty times that you WILL be ok with the baby.

All the worry about money etc? It's 'just' those deeper worries finding a quantifiable focus. Be kind to yourself, you sound like a lovely bloke.

Good luck to you :)

What can I say that everybody hasn't already said so well? You WILL be able to do this, it WON'T cost as much as you think it will and at some point in the future you WILL feel able to enjoy this pregnancy.

For me, this is an IVF pregnancy so although I've never been through the pain of a miscarriage I do understand the fear that not having a smooth route to a positive pregnancy test entails. I've found taking each day and week and every little milestone the best way to manage my anxiety. So, at your stage, I focused in getting to the booking in with the midwife then getting to the next scan. After that, it was getting to the next antenatal appointment. I really struggled kith the uncontrollable changes to my body between 12-20 weeks so this gave me something else to think about.

I didn't buy anything until after the 24 week scan (I'm carrying two so get a bit more monitoring) but had started to research what we would need from after the 20 week scan. For me, knowing I was researching the safest car seat, or the Which best buy for a cot bed (discovering along the way I didn't need a Moses basket and could buy one item that would last for years-much better value), or the pros and cons of the different travel systems meant I was directing my inner control freak to something positive rather than the uncontrollable pregnancy and changes to my body/little folk growing inside me. Even now at 30 weeks I've only just got my hospital bag packed and that was a massive step for me because it is possibly the first time I finally accepted I'm having a baby.

If you take each step at a time, by the time you feel ready to buy things you will have saved plenty and you will have found out all the best deals/essential items. Don't even think about any of that now though-just focus on that next scan

Xx

Regarding my fathers alzheimers he was diagnosed at 61 but they think he's had signs of it from his mid 50s, he has a rare form that starts when you are young and is passed genetically to the next. Hence where our worry comes from, my wife just informed me we are going to see the mid wife on Friday.

Moan away!

I'm can't get through the day without a good moan. I feel it's good for my soul and makes me a jollier person over the rest of the day

I missed the alzheimers bit. Sorry.

That's rubbish news to get, makes this first few weeks of pregnancy bittersweet I would guess.

What's important to realise though is that you CANNOT predict the future. No one can. We can at best, hazard a guess at likely outcomes and prepare to the best of our abilities.

For example I was diagnosed with MS at 33. Probably with symptoms for a few years before but unknown to me.

Could I have prevented it? No.
Can I control it in future? Not really.
Can I reduce risk? Yes, by taking medication that may prevent a serious relapse and making myself aware of potential triggers (researching my condition basically)
Will I let it stop me living my life? Hells no. I won't let it take over my thoughts either.

You are reeling from all the information you've been hit with in past few weeks. As we all would be. And it's hard to adjust. But you will.

Take care of each other and as pp said, talk to your wife about it all

The advice here in the US is not to buy a second-hand car seat, because you have no way of knowing if it was in a car during an accident. It could have sustained some invisible but significant damage. Or it could have been subject to a safety recall since it was made, or might not comply with current safety standards. Or there might just be some parts missing.

If you buy a used crib, make sure it complies with current safety standards. The safety standards for cribs do change over time, and it's usually in response to babies being injured or even killed. For example, in 2011, the standards changed so that drop side cribs, which used to be common, can't be sold in the US any more. You might still be able to find a second-hand one, but you shouldn't use it if you do. A really old crib (pre-1978 in the US, the date might be different in other countries) might even have something really bad like lead paint on it. You obviously don't want that (teething babies have been known to chew on crib railings, like my DD did).

Sounds like you're putting yourself under so much pressure,
Try & take it a bit easier, be there for your wife & you'll get there together one step at a time.
Once you have essentials like some where for the wee one to sleep & a travel system / buggy / car seat the rest can be kept to a complete minimum.
Babies don't have to cost the earth.
To start they mainly need a full tummy, warm arms & a clean bum.
Your wife is lucky to have you, someone who cares SO but try & not take the joy out of it for you both by worrying sick as everything will work out, there's nothing else for it

I do think the not buying second hand due to random dangers is a bit of a con. The firemen cut the straps off our baby seat when we had a serious accident so we could not reuse even if we wanted to. You'd have to be pretty fucking low to sell a car seat that had been in an accident. Local facebook selling groups are good for second hand car seats (you may find a friend of a friend selling stuff). You can google brands to check whether any recalls have happened and whether they fit in your car etc.

For other stuff in your position I would go to an NCT type second hand sale and have a look round after 20 week scan, there are good second hand bargains out there. Ignore travel system crap - you can get a preloved babybjorn baby carrier for next to nothing to use for a few months while you decide which pram (or better quality sling/carrier) is best for your family. I always sling for 6 months then use a small lightweight stroller anyway. NCT also great for quality second hand clothes although people usually get bought loads.

Moses baskets are next to nothing new though, you may as well buy one. Cots - just buy a new mattress and they are fine if from smoke and pet free home, helps if the sellers youngest child is relatively young and then you know they are unlikely to have been stored anywhere mouldy.

If your wife cannot BF or you want to supplement with expressed bottles later, TK Maxx Asda and Tesco often have sets of bottles and microwave sterilisers on sale very cheaply. TK Maxx also good for baby sleeping bags/swaddling stuff.

Hi Paul,

It sounds to me like you're being a great dad so far. I'm an engineer, too, and I totally get what you're saying about always being prepared and in control. When I miscarried my last pregnancy it totally threw me for a loop, and I was extremely anxious for the first trimester of this one as well. I found that for me, knowing a lot more about what exactly is happening at each stage helped a lot, as did doing a lot of reading about what to expect and what I might need to prepare for. Obviously I still can't control any of it, but I can be prepared for a few likely outcomes. I have worked out how very little it's likely to all cost me at first, and started doing my budget for one year from now, incorporating childcare costs and so on. It sounds like looking up cheap prams and stuff really calmed you, so maybe more stuff like that would be good.

I've also suffered from severe anxiety that affected my work in the past - and like you I decided that medication was not for me. My GP referred me for cognitive behaviour therapy which was an absolute godsend for teaching me how to stop those loops of worry. Keep in touch with your gp about the anxiety, and ask if they can refer you for something like that, maybe? It was a long, long wait, but well worth doing, even though it came after the real crisis had passed.