Anxious dad

[Paulturbo83]

Hi all,

I hope you don't mind an expectant dad posting in here but I don't know where else to turn?

My wife and I are currently coming up to 8 weeks pregnant,we had two miss-carriages last year and our current pregnancy was done using chlomid.

I have been very stressed at work over the last few months and we have a hell of a lot going on in of life ,I am best man at my brothers wedding in Mexico in May. My wife has a new job which she starts in April but she accepted this before we found out she was pregnant, so this is a worry for me when she tells her new employer she is pregnant he may decide to get rid of her? Also she is only entitled to maternity allowance.

Last week I had a meltdown after our 6 week scan, I couldn't fuction was a crying wreck and my brain was going over and over about money and how we are going to afford this,even though I earn good money and I am managing to save around 500-600 a month at the moment.I left work that morning and went to see my gp who said I was suffering from severe anxiety and stress and prescribed me some anti depressants. I am normally a strong man in charge with a plan , type of person so the thought of taking these pills didn't appeal to me, I took them for 4 days with the horrendous side effects decided this wasn't for me. I phoned my gp and asked to come off of them,which he agreed and I haven't took any since Friday. However I am still very delicate emotionally and finding it difficult and overwhelming to do the easiest of tasks like hoovering or going to get my hair cut.

I feel better today but i am still not myself, my boss has told me to take this week off as well and don't worry about a thing. But that's the point I am constantly worrying about how much stuff costs, how are we going to pay the bills fix the fence re surface the drive and do all the other things that need doing on my wage, it's very overwhelming.

I am happy we are pregnant but also not happy if you know what I mean? My wife is terrified I have Alzheimer's which my father was diagnosed with last year, this doesn't help Her as we are already worried we will loose this pregnancy as well. I am not being very supportive for her because I cant , I struggle to look after myself at the moment.

Anyway we have our 8 week scan next Monday and I worried I will have another meltdown, can anyone re-assure me or have had their husband or bf been through the same thing?

Will I ever be able to be excited about this or will I just be stressed right up until the baby comes?

I just feel out of control and unable to see the future clearly.

Sorry for whittling on!

Bless you !!

I live off £500 a month,what you save so you will be fine. That is for all food, baby stuff, clothes etc everything except rent. Once you buy the initial things for a baby you don't spend much on them for the first 6 months it's just nappies and milk if your wife chooses not to Breast feed. Milk is £8-10 a tub should last you a week. Nappies are cheap if you don't follow trends with brand names. I tried every brand out there and tesco loves baby nappies are the best quality and pretty cheap. Get all your vest from primark as they do not last long at all babies grow fast and they are only £2.75 for 5 such a bargain. Don't go mad on clothes like I did, spent a fortune on them and half have never been worn. If I can do it o£497 a month and still manage to provide quality things for me and my child am sure you will be fine. Feel free to pm me for any tips !!

Paul, your post made me cry!
I think it sounds like everything has been overwhelming for you and I can understand why. We haven't experienced miscarriage but we went through 3 years of trying and 8 months of ivf treatment to get to this pregnancy and I totally understand that a stressful background to a pregnancy makes it seem more overwhelming when you do get the good news!

2 of my close family members suffer from anxiety and they both found councilling really helped them to control their attacks. One did "mindfulness" therapy and she said it was amazing at helping to put things in perceptive to stop her panicking and feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you should ask you gp for a referral?

Regarding the alzheimers, I can understand your worry but I imagine this concern has been exaggerated by everything else that is happening. With the prospect of all this new responsibility you are think "worst case scenario".... I would try to put this to the back of your mind for now and concentrate on all the positives you have coming up!

As others have said, financially you will cope. If you are money minded enough to save £500 a month then you will be more than ok!! You really don't need to spend as much as some people make out. Think of all the babies born during rationing time in WW2! Wash your baby in the sink, breastfeed and let them sleep in a drawer if need be! (My sister actually did this with her newborn son because they hadn't got a crib yet!) you can get help from your local council to buy reusable nappies too... People in the developing world manage to have healthy happy babies with far less than most of us westerners do and we don't have to cope with disease and dirty water :) You'll be just fine!

Good luck with your scan. You are gonna make an excellent, caring Dad!
xxxx

I just want to add my message of support to the others and reassure you that you will all be ok! I had lots of emotional wobbling in all three pregnancies, but concentrated mainly in the early part - it's psychologically so stressful when you can't see or feel anything real, but you know about the pregnancy and have to start making room in your head. And I'm a woman - I can only imagine that it's harder if it's not even your own body. For me, it got easier at the time the pregnancy became visible and I started people - it's as if it moved from being a psychological thing to being a physical thing. The physical bits are not always easy either, but they are definitely easier to deal with than early pregnancy worries.

As for finances - it's hard in a consumer society to separate what a baby really needs from what the advertisers say it needs. I was a student when I had my first and my husband (then boyfriend, who didn't even live with me) was job-hunting after graduation. We had practically no income of any kind, no spare room for a nursery, and no idea how it was going to pan out. But one thing I learned then is that if you can feed and look after two of you, then you can squeeze a third very small person in pretty easily! Children don't actually need much space or equipment to start with, and you don't need to have everything ready for them before they're born - life doesn't stop at childbirth (although it can seem to slow down for a bit), there are still supermarkets and Amazon ordering and things in the days afterwards! So don't let yourself feel under pressure to have everything perfect. Your son or daughter will only really be interested in you, the parents - nothing else much matters.

Good luck with everything; will be hoping against hope that this pregnancy works out.

Thanks everyone for your replys, it has actually helped me out quiet a lot hearing how others have coped.

I have just come back from walking the dog and it's the most stress free I have felt for months.

Thanks

I'm not going to add to the whole bargain baby tips because I see you have plenty of advice there.

I just wanted to say that my husband struggles with anxiety and I have been in and out of hospital loads this pregnancy. In our experience when things have been at their hardest, he has been my rock. Because something just kicked in and he got on with it. I am sure you will too so please don't worry about supporting your wife. It sounds really trite but DH worried about worrying and it was unnecessary. He's in a similar job to you also, and what you wrote was what he was freaking out about. Which is why I felt compelled to reply. Talk to your wife and take advantage of counselling.

There's a whole load of helpful advice here; I just wanted to echo that you are going to be FINE. You are doing and thinking about all the right things, you've saved plenty of money and babies aren't that expensive if you don't go crazy with things before they are born.
Don't panic, have a chat with a counsellor or Similar re the anxiety and that baby is going to have an awesome dad

Bit of an update, we are 8 weeks today and just had an early midwife appointment.

Tbh I struggled with all the information and I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it all. Wife seems happy but knows I'm not .

As it's becoming more real I am starting to worry about all the negative things that could go wrong.

Hi Paul

Try not to worry about worrying about the things that could go wrong or the fact your wife has come out of the appointment feeling differently to you. We all hear different messages in these appointments and it's why it's good to go together. Your wife probably needs to hear the positive messages of the pregnancy is going ok so far as her way of coping whereas you have heard the potential complications probably because these were already on your mind even if only subconsciously. When you get home tonight, I'd suggest sitting down with your wife and talking through the appointment almost like a debrief so you can hear the bits she heard to balance out the worrying bits you heard. You haven't said exactly what they've said but if it's anything like my early appointments it will have been a lot of hypotheticals because it is so early they can't say anything else....but not particularly reassuring.

Have you got any further with finding a counsellor to help with your anxiety?

Just remember it's about focusing on getting through one appointment at a time not allowing your mind to fast forward too far ahead.

Keep talking on here

Hi, she has lupus so we will have a consultant and extra scans throughout the pregnacy, more stress!

I am quiet lucky to work for a large company that has counselling available to me for free if I want it. Going back to work on Monday after two weeks off with stress, so I am a bit anxious at the moment.

Good luck for Monday then. You mentioned previously that your boss has been supportive so remember they're on your side when you walk in the door on Monday.

As for the extra scans and appointments, I actually find they reduce the stress (I'm having twins and have an under active thyroid so also have increased monitoring). It means I get to see the babies regularly to reassure myself they are growing ok, have the chance to ask all of my questions to the specialists and have blood tests that tell me my body is all working ok. Compared to a low risk pregnancy, where you're reliant on a midwife feeling and measuring your bump to assess growth and listening to the heartbeat to know the baby is doing ok and then relying on my non-existent knowledge of whether I think everything is feeling normal in my body, I know which option I would prefer.

Get onto that counselling when you're in work on Monday. It is the important first step to being able to turn your anxious thoughts on their head.

I know others have said it but try not to worry about the cost of a newborn. If the baby's breastfed you only have the weekly cost of nappies and you don't need all the fancy stuff companies try to sell you. eBay and Gumtree are great for bargains and you'll find people want to buy you things.

What your baby will really need is love and you sound like you have that in spades. Good luck!!