How to deal with questions about how I became pregnant at 44?

[Madhatt6r]

After years of being the person who could be relied upon not to have children, I have just become pregnant using an egg donor at the age of 44. The decision was a very personal one for me and DH and one that I would prefer not to discuss with family and friends. I am though a terrible liar and I would really appreciate any hints/thoughts/good responses that will help me deal with some early on persistent questions!

Are you really asking how babies are made?

I became pregnant with DS2 naturally at 43. Say "the usual way. Were you off school for that lesson?"

There's a big difference between having ivf and using a donor egg.

Your DC won't look like you. Unless your family's stupid they will put 2 and 2 together.

There's nothing wrong with using a donor egg but I don't think it's right to lie about it.

It is often possible to select a donor with similar physical characteristics, Jackieharris, so it's not true to say her DC won't look like her.

Totally disagree jackie

People see what they want to see.

We used donor sperm and are told daily that DS2 is the double of his father.

It's no one's business

My children don't look like their father! Trust me, they are his!
I'd go with the special cuddle comment.

Completley disagree with Jackie

Why is it anyone's business if OP is using an egg donor?

There shouldn't be any need to lie as people shouldn't be rude enough to ask about her sex life!

I'm another one that NO ONE saw having kids. I have found that EVERYONE will ask if it was planned. But no one asked anything beyond that.

If they do ask you, I've found "that's a very personal question, don't you think?" works very well for any intrusive questions that you don't want to answer. People generally apologise profusely, and you can forgive them and move on.

I agree with lots of posters here - it's no ones business so prepare an answer that you like ready for any over zealous questioning.

People are unbelievable what they'll ask about or say. A friend at work who conceived twins naturally constantly got asked if it was IVF and others informed her she was huge or massive at work as she's petite and her bump was rather spectacular but those comments really upset her. Another lady at work announced she was adopting and a colleague asked her why...

I had a miscarriage last year - told no one - but the regular comments about 'when you having another one' (DD1 was nearly 2 by that point) took on a different meaning and I imagined what they'd do if I burst into hysterical tears and said 'we're trying but lost it'. That would shut them up. However tended to go for the less satisfying bland 'oh yes, maybe if we're lucky' smile and nod.

Congratulations :) I am 39 and also expecting a baby through donor egg IVF. We already have a son conceived naturally.

We have told family and close friends and will be telling the child and our first son too. But I don't intend telling acquaintances as a matter of course unless it seems particularly relevant. It's not a secret but it is private. No one so far has asked any questions. Personally I would avoid the comedy answers suggested above as that's not my style, it's a personal thing though. If someone ever does ask me I think I'll just say the baby was very much wanted and hope we can leave it there.

In terms of the child looking like me we were matched for basics (height, skin tone, eye colour, hair). I don't want to 'pretend' the child is genetically mine but I do want our family to look like we belong together. I have seen enough families where siblings look very different to know that logically it's unlikely that people will even think about it unless for example the child has a Mediterranean complexion and both parents are very pale. But even then I think most people take things at face value and will see what they want to see. I am friends with a mum at school who adopted her children. If I didn't know that I wouldn't have wondered.

Congratulations again and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Hi Madhatt6r, I'm nearly 45 and currently wrangling two born via donor eggs, youngest is 12 weeks. Despite explaining the process to selected friends and relatives those same people often say how much dd/ds are like me - they seem to have forgotten. What I'm trying to say is don't worry about telling people if you want to, there will be some initial curiosity which soon fades, I think seeing you pregnant, then a baby who grows into a little person with their own personality, makes how they were conceived seen unimportant. Please PM me if you want a chat.

I am 38 weeks with a donor egg conceived baby after multiple miscarriages at the age of 45. We have told close friends and family but aside from that - we don't share the information freely. We plan on telling our son about his conception.

Most questions have been around - Was it planned and are you mad? No-one has asked me out right if it was IVF but I think my rather robust demeanour when people start questioning me puts them off .

It is no-ones business except yours - so only tell me people you want to know - the rest can bugger off!

Congratulations

Thanks all, I think I need to grow a pair and stop worrying! So pleased it's actually happening, I need to forget all the ifs and just focus on the fact it's worked (so far).

The only people you should be thinking about is you and your family, sod everyone else. Ivf, donor, natural, whatever, your baby is very much wanted and only you will know when the time is right (if ever) to tell the child. It's funny because I have two children, my oldest is not my husbands but the amount of times he has been told he looks like his dad..

I have 3 naturally conceived DCs none of which look anything like me - to the point where I've been asked if I'm the nanny . My friend is a pale English rose, her DP is Nigerian, again, children look nothing like her. I'm told all the time how much I look like my Dad - strange when you consider he's my stepdad so no biological link! Personally, I really don't think you need to worry about your child looking like you and its a bit unnecessary for people for be fretting about that on your behalf . Massive congratulations, enjoy your pregnancy and definitely go with the suggestion from TittingAround h

I'd not say anything, just look at them as if they're asking a very obvious question. It's no one else's business, not telling every tom, dick and Harry that you've used a donor egg is not lying about it. You can choose to tell or not tell your DC at any point you wish but I cannot believe that there is an insinuation on here that not telling people is lying about it! It's just keeping your business private, which you are entitled to do.

As pointed out earlier, people see what they want to see. My friend's little girl was conceived using a donor egg, but all I can see in her face is my friend! Same shape face, same colouring - everything. Yet I know it's a coincidence (or a well planned match, my friend hasn't really gone into the logistics of how it works).

Congratulations OP!

I agree only tell who you need to in the early stages.
When I married dh, we had a baby the following year who looks very little like me but very much like him! She looks nothing like my eldest who does look a fair bit like me. Quite obvious they have different fathers but that's life!
As I have a very big age gap (18 yrs) some people assume wrongly that dd2 wasn't planned but she very much was! A lady at church smiled at me when she was tiny and said 'A happy accident' Not often I'm speechless but stupidly couldn't think of a good reply at that moment! Dd2 is 5 now but it still irritates me every time I see that woman!
So basically your story is yours and people need to mind their own! Tell people what you want. Or not..