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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I feel so guilty/worst mum to be

29 replies

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 04/03/2015 10:24

I was at work for about 15 hours yesterday, with a cold and headache plus morning sickness etc. etc. I came home to my dh, just wanting a little sympathy but he was in a bad mood because he'd had a bad day at work, and was annoyed that I'd been working late (like I have a choice) because he wanted an early night before an early start this morning.

To cut a long story short, it turned into a shouting (both of us), crying (me) row in which we both said some totally awful things: I said I didn't want to be married to him any more (totally, totally untrue), he took off his wedding ring, I threw my (empty!) sick bowl at a door . . . you get the picture.

Once we'd both calmed down we were both horrified at our behavious and felt like the worst people in the world. I'm 15 weeks pregnant with our surprise, but much wanted, first child. And now I feel like I don't deserve a child.

Sorry for the essay, but any words of wisdom? If someone could just tell me that having a baby will automatically make me a much better person, that would be great . . .

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pocketsized · 04/03/2015 10:28

One word - hormones! It's not nice, and it's not pretty, but they do all sorts of crazy things to you. I had a mega meltdown a few weeks ago because I was too tired to go to bed, even though there was no reason stopping me! I think you just need to apologise, put it down to crazy pregnancy hormones and have a cuddle!

goodyear2015 · 04/03/2015 10:32

You are hormonal, apologise, laugh about it and move on.

greenlizard · 04/03/2015 10:33

Well I can't promise that you will turn into a better person...but having an argument with your DH doesn't mean you that you need improvemennt as a person in my book!

The trick I think is to learn how to talk to each other before things build up and come flooding out. You both camed down and having reflected upon what you said don't feel great which is a good thing. You can build on that so you don't repeat it (well too often). I think being pregnant brings a special/new type of stress to a relationship - you will just have to learn together how to navigate it. Good luck and congratulations!

Bogal · 04/03/2015 10:36

Lorelai sorry to hear you've had a shit day

I swear this pregnancy stuff makes us crazy - me and my HB have said some very mean things to each other in the last few weeks. We're starting to recognise that my hormones are making me a bit mental (sometimes I feel irrationally angry and upset and need to have half an hour on my own to calm down) and HB can be quite insensitive because he's not going through it so doesn't really get it.

We're trying to be patient with one another and have some 'quiet time' if it feels like things are getting heated!

Don't be so hard on yourself, you do deserve it - it's just a really emotional and sometimes quite stressful time. The only expectations you have to live up to are your own so give yourself a break xxx

yummymango · 04/03/2015 10:38

Hi, god I know this feeling. I'm 14 weeks with number 2 and have had a couple of similar meltdowns, totally overreacted to something and ended up snivelling in a heap on the floor wracked with guilt. It's hormones. Don't worry about it, pregnancy can turn you into something you haven't seen before. Congratulations!

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 04/03/2015 10:43

DP and I rarely argue but when I was about 18 weeks pregnant we had a screaming match, he was in pain with a bad back and snappy I was hormonal and sick and a small thing (can't even remember what it was now) blew up into a huge thing and we both said some really nasty things, I threw stuff, he stormed out of the house and I cried for 30 mins.

By the time he came back we were both embarrassed and apologised and that was it.

Never had an argument like it before or since, those hormones really do mess with you especially in the first and early second trimester. I'm 37+3 weeks now and not quite as crazy as I was then

RhiannonElward · 04/03/2015 10:44

Oh don't worry, you were exhausted and hormonal, he is probably concerned at the amount of work you're doing and under stress at the thought of having a baby and you both took it out on each other for the evening. You're not the first and you won't be the last people to do this, so long as neither of you meant what you said and you're genuinely sorry, then I'd forget about it. It's just situational stress and doesn't mean anything.

Make some time to do some nice things together until you feel better :)

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 04/03/2015 10:48

Thank you for the sympathy and good sense. Mumsnet is wonderful.

I think it must have quite a bit to do with hormones - I couldn't believe some of the things I said last night - it was like it was someone else telling my poor dh that she doesn't want to be married to him any more. I can't believe I said that, and am dying inside this morning. Then I just had this awful thought that in 6 months time there would be a little baby hearing all the shouting . . . and then I really did want to die.

I need to find a way to deal with all this stuff. And I do have some pent up resentment against dh, because he doesn't have to be pregnant and can be, as you say Bogal, pretty insensitive at times because he just doesn't get it! I need to learn to walk away, calm down, talk sensibly and rationally . . . all things that I really hoped I would be able to do by the age of 30! I feel so immature all of a sudden, now that I'm having a baby and need to be a grown up!!

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RhiannonElward · 04/03/2015 10:49

Oh and during my first pregnancy dp and I argued to the point where I spent the night at my brother's over who had chosen to have fajitas for tea. We still laugh about that one today.

batfish · 04/03/2015 10:50

Aww lorelai having a fight with your hubby and saying some things you didn't mean doesn't make you a bad person or mean you will be a bad mum. It just makes you normal, we all argue with our other halves during stressful times. Please don't make yourself feel bad about it, it's really nothing to feel guilty about.

ClearlyOpaque · 04/03/2015 10:53

I've had moments like this and I find it helps to take myself off on my own and have a long hard think about why I'm feeling this way. I usually conclude "hormones", coupled with, for example, OH glancing at his phone while I was talking to him (How dare he!).

I then go back to him and say I'm hormonal and when you glanced at your phone I felt unloved, which I know is silly, but y'know, hormones. We hug, I feel better.

Luckily I'm not a shouter, so if I don't catch myself I usually just randomly cry at OH, which he is getting used to (26w) and just gives me a hug, checks whether anything is actually wrong and then cheers me up somehow.

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 04/03/2015 11:22

I think part of the problem is that I'm usually the 'grown-up' in our relationship and now I'm behaving like a shouty, tearful child! It's so unlike me that dh has no idea how to make me feel better/calm me down. And because he doesn't know how to help me, I feel like he doesn't care! I really hope we start to figure this stuff out, or we're in for a bumpy 25 or so weeks!

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sianihedgehog · 04/03/2015 11:24

Helloooooo hormones. I have definitely been like this. My OH has had a pregnancy book forced out him which emphasised that hormones might make me a bit irrational, and it has helped. We've had a few blazing rows, but we both know I'm not at my best and are forgiving them pretty well. I've found it helps to warn him if I'm having a needy day - text him from work and tell him I need a hug so he's prepared and that.
But there's no avoiding the occasional hormone based row, I think, and the important thing is that neither of you should feel too guilty when they happen.

happygojo · 04/03/2015 11:28

Me and my bf has a stinking row when I was about 8 weeks pregnant. It was the stress on both of us. I can't even remember what it was about.... Possibly housework and DIY. I was feeling sick and tired all the time and after a MC last year and I was a bit rubbish at life. It's a big change and even when it's planned it can be a shock. Apparently it is quite common for new parents to have 'my day is harder than your day' arguments. When you are rational it is time to talk about it so you can hopefully appreciate how hard it is for both of you, not necessarily one being more hard done to than th other xxxx

m33r · 04/03/2015 11:38

I had a MASSIVE go at my DH at about 14 weeks as I said he didn't love my family - he does! I started wailing uncontrollably and then wondered how I could stay married to this person and how mad my parents would be when I divorced him as they paid for most of my wedding. I did not identify this as hormones as otherwise felt totally normal and didnmt look pregnant. Anyway, a few hours later i realised it was hormones and calmed down. I apologised and now we laugh about it.

If it makes you feel any better, it doesn't follow that this will be you for the whole pregnancy. This has been my only meltdown at dh (though the tumble dryer and tele-banking guy have also had an earful from a screaming wreck!)!

Hope you feel better ... And of course this does not make you bad mum!!

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 04/03/2015 11:45

We've definitely got a 'my day was harder than your day' thing going on - and I feel like I win everytime because I'm pregnant! I'm doing everything that he is doing, while throwing up!

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Allstoppedup · 04/03/2015 12:01

I had a horrible day for sickness yesterday and am generally feeling fed up. I ended up loudly telling my absolutely wonderful DP to shut up as he was being disgusting last night- we never argue and the poor bloke was just noisily eating a bar of chocolate.

Then I hugged him and sobbed for half an hour...

Pregnancy hormones are bloody horrible, combined with the tiredness, sickness and general physical and emotional toll of pregnancy these things will happen.

The best advice I got when DS was tiny was that sleep deprivation is not a competition. I think it applies to feeling crappy/ having a bad day too. You and your DP are a team and at the end of the day it doesn't matter who has the worst time of it as long as you both make it better together.

Hope you feel better soon. I started to feel normal again at 16 weeks I'm only 10 now and it feels like an eternity away!

Original poster

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 04/03/2015 12:11

Physically, I have just about started to feel better. I seem to be vomiting less anyway. Mentally . . . hmmmm.

But you've all made me feel better . . . less crazy! Or at least, less like I'm the only one who is feel a bit mental! I am now just feeling sorry for dh, who is sitting at work without Mumsnet to cheer him up!

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MissTwister · 04/03/2015 12:23

My husband and I don't normally argue all that much but since I've been pregnant (19 weeks) we've had some huge huge rows. Pregnancy is stressful. I am normally the calm non argumentative side of our relationship and stop things escalating but have had some major meltdowns, hysterically (and I mean hysterically!) weeping and saying we need to 'spend time apart' and all sorts!

I'd chalk it down to another pregnancy 'perk'!!!

WindyAway · 04/03/2015 12:23

I can't remember what it was about now, but when I was about 15 weeks (I'm 20 now) I had an argument with DH (he doesn't argue so it was more me ranting at him) and I actually threw a stalk of broccoli at his head! Thank god I wasn't holding a knife instead!

We don't usually argue ever, but hormones are raging when you are pregnant! We laugh about it now.
Don't worry, just wait until you have your first up at 2 am sleep deprived argument! (I'm on dc2) As long as you make up and are not doing it every day then don't worry.

Twotinygirls · 04/03/2015 12:28

I told my husband that I'd like to stab in the face with the knife I was holding at the time. In front of our small DC.
I was a crazy pregnant lady. We laugh about it now. (Well I do, he still looks a bit scared of me) ??

Twotinygirls · 04/03/2015 12:30

Oh I also remember screaming at him at the top of my voice to shut the F* up at about 2am when he was 'advising' me how to get the baby to sleep.

hippymama1 · 04/03/2015 12:36

Aww Lorelai you poor thing ...

Hormones have made every pregnant woman in the world completely bonkers at one point or another... You had both had a bad day, are both sorry and have made up. I'd try to forget about it tbh - there is nothing to say it will ever happen again - it was probably just a perfect storm of hormones and circumstance.

It certainly doesn't mean either of you will behave like that in front of your child or will be bad parents.

Boobz · 04/03/2015 12:37

I had a major melt down with each pregnancy, the last of which was in the middle of John Lewis over a pram. I walked out of the shop intending to leave DH forever at that moment in time (who had been out all night on a bender and had lost his wallet in the process, hampering said JL shopping trip, whilst I had been up all night with DD1 and DD2 and heavily pregnant with subsequent DS).

It was all his fault but I did go over the top a bit (crazy pregnant crying lady telling her DH to go fuck himself, in the middle of the Peter Jones branch in Sloan Square!) CRINGE.

You'll be fine. Unfortunately the competitive tiredness thing never seems to go away (but then that's our fault for opting to keep on having sodding children - I am stopping at 3 though, I promise!)

Boobz · 04/03/2015 12:37

It was all his fault but I did go over the top a bit (crazy pregnant crying lady telling her DH to go fuck himself, in the middle of the Peter Jones branch in Sloan Square!) CRINGE.

You'll be fine. Unfortunately the competitive tiredness thing never seems to go away (but then that's our fault for opting to keep on having sodding children - I am stopping at 3 though, I promise!)

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