45 and pregnant

[totallystunned]

Hi - I posted on AIBU on Friday when I did a positive test. People were so so lovely and supportive.

I've felt sick as a dog all weekend!

My dh and I are so confused, we don't know what to do. We didn't want another baby.

Our boys are 16 and nearly 13. We would likely have to move house and would take a big hit financially. My age is a big worry - so many risks of things going wrong. I wonder if anyone is in the same boat or can offer words of wisdom?

So sorry if this post offends or upsets anyone in any way - I know a pregnancy is a blessing (that's what's so hard)

Hey, I'm not in the same position but didn't want to read and run... It's a nightmare when you put something out there and are waiting for the enslaught!

For what it's worth I genuinely wouldn't beat yourself up, only you and your husband know what's best in your situation and its for no one else to judge. I wish you massive luck either way, as it's not likely to be an easy journey down either path but life can sometimes be a great big bell end like that.

Chin up my lovely x

Hi there. I am in the same beat as in I am 45 and currently 35 weeks pregnant. Although it is my first biological child I do have two step children (13 and 15) - this is a very much wanted baby.

Only you and your DH can decide what you want. Physically I am absolutely fine apart from normal pregnancy niggles and I appear to be more energetic that some much younger women in my ante-natal group . I have had two miscarriages before this pregnancy which are likely to have been down to egg quality and chromosomal issues (eg. Age!).

You could look into the harmony test which can be undertaken at 10 weeks (noninvasive) which will give you a much greater understanding of the risks of abnormalities?

I am nearly 47 and 7 weeks pregnant. NOT planned. To be honest I couldn't face a termination, feel like it may not be ideal (at all) but this little one deserves a chance. Despite all the reasons not to go ahead with it, and there are loads, I didn't feel I could deprive it of the chance of a life.
I am extremely pro-choice, so completely up to individual choice.
Good luck! don't forget, you're younger than me!

Congratulations and Good Luck to all of you!

Hi. I will be 45 just after my due date but our other child is still young and we were trying for a second so not in the same boat other than on age. The risks are quite scary but everything has been normal so far and I've been feeling fine. We have been getting amazing care from the NHS with extra appointments, higher specialists etc. The downs syndrome risk came up pretty high mainly due to age but it dropped after the combined screening and dropped again after the 20 week scan so we have felt reassured and have not gone for further more conclusive testing. The harmony test would have been our preferred option if we did as it is non invasive and does not carry risks of miscarriage, unlike other options. however I gather it is also only available privately for about £600. Good luck.

Hi, sorry I meant to reply the other day but time runs away and all that.
I had my 3rd dc a week before my 43rd b'day. Wasn't planned. I am far from fit and it definately wasn't in our bigger plan. I was so worried to be honest, sure there would be something wrong. I had the harmony test at 10/12 weeks so we knew there were no issues which we might have expected with my age.
It is such a roller coaster for you. I really feel for you.
All the health professionals were very laid back, no concern at all about my age to be honest. The pregnancy was easy. Planned section.
I hope your DH is ok and getting used to it, whatever you decide good luck.

Sorry, I don't think I gave you a constructive answer did I?
I don't feel age comes into It as far as having a baby/toddler goes. It is what it is, bloodey hard work, frustrating and mind numbing.
Will you regret not going ahead, only you can answer that. you don't seem sure at the moment so maybe there lies your answer?
If it is the age thing then don't let that be your only deciding factor. We worry about reduced number of years our dd will have with us but honestly that is a ridiculous argument as I lost my dad in his 40s. I was 20.
We really never considered any other way than going forward. Be kind to yourselves and take your time. Fingers crossed, whichever way.

It's really hard OP - I'm awake now as I don't know what to do - hope we find peace soon

Thank you all so much for replying.

I had a very emotional night last night. I had been keeping my emotions in check until then as, I guess, a bit shocked and in denial and didn't want to feel anything.

We are thinking this is not what we want. We'd manage and we'd love a baby, we know we would, but it's just not the choice we'd ever have made, it's not something we feel even a frission of excitement about...I know that sounds awful and so selfish! We feel so so sad, so so guilty, emotional, torn... because we know we'd come round to the idea if we went ahead. Arrgggh.

SarEasticated - I've been up since 5am too as my mind is whirring and I feel sick pretty much 24 hours a day. I also felt (feel?) 'I can't go through with a termination'. It's incredibly hard and I'm gutted at the very thought. Do you have other children? I wish you all the very best too

Mildpanic, this might sound odd but I think if I was 42 now instead of 45 I would probably go with it. I know it's 'only' three years difference but somehow it does feel a lot older.

Sorry that was so rambling - overall I think we've made the decision

Totally, I just wanted to share my story with you if that's OK. I was 44 when I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant - I already had an 8 year old DS and we didn't want anymore children. When I told DP, he was absolutely gutted and barely spoke for 2 weeks. Had to tell DS as I was so sick, he was really worried. We contemplated a termination but DP didn't really want that (cradle Catholic) although he said he would support me whatever. DS burst into tears shouting "I don't want a baby". It was horrific. However after another week or so, we all gradually got used to the idea, and although none of us were ecstatic, we began to get our heads around it (DS first actually). I worried the whole way through the pregnancy, didn't enjoy it at all even though it was quite straightforward. My anxiety levels were so high (had extremely difficult birth with DS), I went for an ELCS. Loved DD the minute we laid eyes on her, but the first few weeks of going back to all that gubbins was very hard. But then it got better, and it's now amazing! Our little girl is 2 and so so lovely and beautiful and has changed all of our lives. Total daddy's girl, and DS absolutely adores her. Just wanted to tell you about us, as we were all genuinely devastated when we were at your stage, but personally I'm so glad we decided to go ahead. Everything changes so quickly, and things got better gradually, until they were wonderful! I'm probably not explaining myself very well! Anyway, I hope you make your decision soon and good luck with whatever you & your family decide xx

Op, I was an older mum of my first child, it is 't the age per se, if I were in your shoes it would be the starting again, and all that that entails.

As you say, it isn't what you wanted.

DP and I had not been together long and both already had grown up children when I found I was pregnant at 44. After the shock I decided to go ahead but I knew I wanted all the tests available . Everything was fine except a bit of high blood pressure. Our DS is now a teenager and loved by all his siblings who have also helped with childcare so we have been able to work and still have some "adult" time alone. One advantage was that when the first grandchildren arrived ,soon after ,our home was already set up for children and we were in the routine of looking after a little one! You must make the decision that is right for you and your family. I sometimes envy friends who have posh houses and holidays and have been able to give up work but I would not swap him for the world!

Hi Totally - yes we have a dd of 7. She would be thrilled to have a baby sibling. I think my initial reaction was Fark no! and made an appt at Marie Stopes (who are lovely by the way). I went for the consultation and had a scan confirming I was 6 weeks. That was it for me, seeing that little blip. When I thought it was a lentil I was ok at the thought of having it 'removed' but seeing the image and remembering DD's scan I made my mind up there and then (on a really base instinctive level) that I couldn't go through with a termination. On a logical level, the thought of going back to baby phase makes me feel ill, and I feel awful that I will be inflicting this on my DH (who really doesn't want another baby) and maybe destroying my marriage. Heavy shit! I think the bottom line is I really can't terminate, so will have to just go with it and see what happens!
My advice to you, if you want to terminate, is don't leave it too long (as you get used to it quite quickly) and also don't look at the scan!

You must do what is right for you. I'm sure if you went ahead you would live the child & make it work. The question is do you want to?
I have the feeling from reading your posts that you don't but feel bad. That's normal you have two wonderful children & so know that you could parent again. You also know the impact it would have on all of your lives. Makes sure your decision is based on a want not a should.

Thanks again - you are all so kind to share your feelings and stories.

The only problem is this is making it harder reading your stories! I think I might leave this thread now because I think I've made my mind up (Sarf I rang Marie Stopes late last night, yes they were lovely - I cried and felt so stupid and so ashamed. Especially when I gave my birth date, 1969..! and you know what I was just thinking this morning 'oh dear god will I see a scan'?).

I know there are loads and loads of happy endings (oh god crying again) for many on here and elsewhere - and am so bloody glad for everyone that stuck with it and have beautiful, loved children! That's heart warming and wonderful.

But I also think that despite the dreadful sadness and guilt I'll feel, I won't exactly regret it...I will feel sad but I won't wish I had another child. But that's a risk I have to take.

Much love and luck to everyone

goshhhhh - you are absolutely 100% spot on x

Sending you big hugs totally PM me anytime. If it's any consolation the MS lady told me that the majority of women she sees are older, so don't be ashamed - just think lentil and keep your eyes shut!

I'm born the same year as you and fell pregnant at 40. My friend found out that she was pregnant the same week. She's much the same age. I didn't hesitate and was pleased (although it was very unplanned and my husband did ask me if I wanted a termination). My friend pretty much knew she wanted a termination. My son is now 4 and although she thinks he's great, she doesn't regret it at all. She knew that it would not be a good idea for her family. She had had postnatal depression more than once, one child had severe allergies that still required quite a lot of addition care, her husband worked away all week, they were barely managing financially anyway etc. What worked for her, didn't work for me. Do what is right for you and your family. You won't necessarily regret it.

Take care.

Aw, totallystunned, you sound so upset, but it sounds to me like you have arrived at the answer that is right for you and that is ALL that counts.

I deal with women with unplanned pregnancies in my professional life and IME those who make whatever decision they make (continue pregnancy or terminate pregnancy) for the right reasons, namely that the decision is right for them, are those who do fine in the longer term.
Termination is no doubt the right choice for many, many women - you are not alone in that at all.
Some women who make whatever choice due to outside pressure (to not upset their partner/parent, even religious pressures etc) so struggle for a long time afterwards - whether they had a termination or had the baby.

Much as it is true that many an unplanned pregnancy leads to a much loved child, this is not always true. The Relationship boards on here are full of people who were well aware that there parents did not want them AND let them know which is just horrible.

I do not in any way mean to sway you, but I agree with whoever said don't concentrate on your age too much: If you were 35 and in the same position, you'd still have to make the same choice.

If you miscarried today, how would you feel?
Sad, but relieved? Or sad and devastated?
Sometimes asking the answer to this question might help.

V best wishes - you are in my thoughts.

I think it sounds like you've made the right decision for you. It's absolutely not about your age etc. It's about starting again when having young dcs is a distant memory.

Please don't feel terrible. Most women who end up having a termination are mothers in a similar position (not the stereotypical irresponsible teen) so you won't be seen as odd or anything like that.

Do what is right for you and your family. There is no right and wrong, only what is best for you.

Good luck and I'm sorry you're having to go through this

I'm back...! Pacific and FuckYou (!), thank you very much for your kindness and informed words. Still reading, still thinking but feeling slightly stronger and resolute (it helps that I don't feel sick today - have felt so rough that it's been hard to think straight) X

OP, I remember your previous thread.

It sounds like you have made the right decision for you.

Sending strength your way x

Thanks lotsofcheese. Having support on here has helped me a huge amount.

By the way Pacific, I didn't answer your question - if I miscarried I think I'd feel a huge mixture of emotions. I thought I might be on Saturday as feeling a few cramps and I felt scared so didn't want to miscarrry... I'm not sure that's really the same as not wanting to lose the pregnancy so I just don't know.