Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Please help me be polite but firm!!

29 replies

maltatheterrible · 20/10/2006 10:01

Re: visitors after the birth.
Our first is due in Feb, and I am going solo. DP has said he will be rubbish and probably stress me out more than help me, and I'm inclined to agree with him. He's a lovely guy but rubbish in a crisis and I get really angry with him so I'd prefer it to be just me and the trained medical types.
My family have shown very litle interest really (slightly hurt) but MIL is totally in love with new grandchild already and a little ott. Last night on the phone she tells DP "call us as soon as she goes into labour, we want to see our grandchild as soon as she arrives"
Arghhh! She is so nice, I love the fact she's so keen to see her grandchild but I don't want this.
I've read all the very strong comments on the other thread saying 'tell them all to go away for at least a week' but I really don't want to hurt her feelings.
Could anyone suggest a polite/nice way I can word this with causing WW3 please?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

hunkermunker · 20/10/2006 10:03

Just say "we'll see how it goes".

And have you considered having a doula with you at the birth?

NotQuiteCockney · 20/10/2006 10:07

Doula is a good idea.

Would your MIL have to stay with you when she comes? Is she actually helpful? Can you stand her?

Realistically, you're going to want to see how it goes, anyway - you might be v grateful for her help afterwards. My MIL is somewhat overbearing, but still, she was a great help after each of my boys was born ...

Original poster

maltatheterrible · 20/10/2006 10:10

nope, I am about the least touchy feely, I need emotional support person on the planet.
and I am weird and tend to get aggresive when in pain, if I'm going to get gobby and start hurling abuse i'd rather the trained medical types gave me slap down than my poor mother/sister/doula (also I can't afford one!)
I just feel really comfortable with the idea of knowledgable, calm medical types telling me what I need to know and letting me get on with it.

is that weird?

OP posts:

SenoraPostrophe · 20/10/2006 10:15

malta - I'm not touchy-feely either but I did find it helpful to have someone I knew there when I gave birth (I've had one alone, one with dh and one with my sis - long story). But it wasn't the worst thing in the world to give birth alone.

on your MIL - would it be that bad if she came to visit in hospital or just after? she'll probably only clean while you go and have a nap by the sounds of it. I never did understand those people who refised to have visitors for a week.

Original poster

maltatheterrible · 20/10/2006 10:15

re-reading that I must sound like a pychopathic nutter, I can assure you I am usually the most timid, non-confrontational person on the planet. I just hate being out of control and the birth process seems to be exactly that.

MIL is lovely, and no they won't be staying with us. I'm just picturing me, a very private person, trying to establish breastfeding with my MIL/FIL present, with all the lovely lochia torrents and other glamorous things I've read about being sort of embarrasing. I don't want the extra stress when I;m trying to get my head around being a mum

OP posts:

SenoraPostrophe · 20/10/2006 10:16

...which is why it might help to have someone familiar there. I really think you should go with your dpand make sure he is nearby so that if you change your mind you can get someone to go and get him.

SenoraPostrophe · 20/10/2006 10:18

ah - the embarrasment factor.

she'll probably understand if you go to another room to feed the baby you know.

Original poster

maltatheterrible · 20/10/2006 10:19

senora - sleep, I hadn't though of that!! Actually that's really made me feel better, thank you
I think I might ask DP if he can call them when I've actually had the baby, they are a 3 hour drive away so it'll give me a minute to collect my thoughts, rather than having loved up granny pawing at baby when its a few minutes old

OP posts:

SenoraPostrophe · 20/10/2006 10:20

at the loved up granny.

You shoudl try giving birth in spain: you get all sorts of random strangers pawing at the baby. I was like a lioness with dd - growling at anyone who tried (well, growling at the strangers).

Original poster

maltatheterrible · 20/10/2006 10:20

DP will be pacing in the waiting room like a good oldfashioned 1950's dad! I know that if I started freaking out and demanded that he stayed, he would. He's not a complete git, just scared he will knock out the doctor if he sees I'm in pain and he feels they aren't doing enough to help.

OP posts:

Blu · 20/10/2006 10:23

What about 'of course we'll let you know when the baby is imminent, so that you can have some notice - and then we'll let you know when I am home, or the midwives say we can receive visitors'. And then, of course, you DON'T tell them as soon as you go into labour! You fudge around the reason that DP was too busy getting you to hospiatl etc, and he didn't call because it was the mniddle of the night, etc etc.

If you are in labour overnight and lose a lot of sleep, you really will be too groggy and need sleep and rest on the first day - I had no objection to my parents ocming, but I'm pleased they weren't there on the first day.

twocatsonthebed · 20/10/2006 10:26

I know just what you mean with your last post - I'm 38 weeks and dealing with the same kind of decisions, except my family mostly tend to the lack of interest approach.

A lot depends on wht actually happens. If you stay in hospital for a day or so, can she not come and see you there for an hour or so, then honour is satisfied. And you or DP can get the midwives to drag her off after an hour or so. Then say, I know you really want to come and help, but I'm going to need it so much more after a couple of weeks, when I am really tired and DP is back at work. (all lines I have rehearsed in case of emergency and/or mother and step mother deciding to descend at the same time).

And even if you get home v quickly, you can always blame the midwives and say that you have been advised to stay in bed and not have visitors for a week because you have lost blood/low iron count/have antisocial hormones.

I think there is a place for white lies rather than direct confrontation here...

badkarma · 20/10/2006 10:28

We didn't tell anyone when I went into labour at 6am with dd. I opened the curtains, and the 2 small windows at the front of the house, cleaned the kitchen and went to hospital When FIL called later he thought we were just at the shops as "You never go far and leave the windows open" dd was born (eventually) at 4pm and when we called everyone they didn't believe us! But dh told his parents (and everyone else) that the MW's said I couldn't have visitors that evening, and they could call for an hour the next day... but that evening being xmas eve and the next day being xmas day I had hardly any visitors

Original poster

maltatheterrible · 20/10/2006 10:35

Thanks all for ideas so far, think I will try and convince DP not to call until the deed is done.
As someone smart just stated, I don't know what kind of birth I'm going to have. Could be easy and I'm out in 6 hours, could be emergency c section and 3 days stay in hospital, we'll just have to take it as it comes.
I just want to make sure I don't get emotional and teary with the one person who's been really supportive and interested.

OP posts:

LemonTart · 20/10/2006 10:37

I found it easier seeing people in hospital than at home. The hospital staff were so good at limiting numbers and had a nice firm but polite manner kicking them out - saved any embarrassment me kicking them out!
What about asking DH to ring her an hour or so after the birth and just apologise for not ringing sooner - no phones allowed switched on, unable to leave your side, first moment he has got etc etc She will be so excited that she won?t have a moment to be annoyed. If DH phoned and said something on the lines that it was early days, you are very tired and have been advised to leave visitors until the next day and only for a couple of mins...? DH could always escort them in and then take them off for a coffee somewhere are 10 mins to limit the damage?
Try not to shun them totally from those first days if you can bear it. I know it is your baby and you are entitled to do what you want and my mil was a pain in the bum! It sounds to me that you quite like her and that she is genuinely trying to be involved for the right reasons so maybe try to compromise?

LemonTart · 20/10/2006 10:38

crossed posts -see you ahve already decided to ring after the baby has arrived!

Original poster

maltatheterrible · 20/10/2006 10:45

Lemontart, hadn't thought about hospital staff kicking 'em out. That's a reassuring thought to hang on to.
I am such a drama queen I have been terrifying myself with images of MIL clinging limpet like to the side of the crib, she is so in love with this child already it's a bit daunting.
Hopefully she will just be so pleased to know its arrived safely, she won't mind being excluded from the actual borth process.
My mate had just made me laugh by suggesting that my MIL wants to climb up there and have a chat with the baby now. The image has put me off this giant cream cake I;ve just bought

OP posts:

usandbump · 20/10/2006 10:46

I was worried about how my dp and I would react during labour and birth. I, like you, prefer to deal with things alone and my dp is extremely squeamish. Neither of us would have been surprised if I had done it alone.

BUT the reality was very different and I'm so glad he was there, the medics were great but they were strangers who didn't know me at all.
I was requesting pain relief and they were fobbing me off, despite the pain I didn't have the strength to argue with them. My dp on the other hand knowing me so well knew I really needed the pain relief and had to get very shirty and demanding and they gave me my pethidine (bliss by the way )

Instead of hiding away and not looking he had a very good look and saw our son enter the world He is still amazed and we discuss it often!

As for visitors, I thought I didn't want any at the hospital but welcomed them in the end. They had to come during visitors hours so no unwelcome surprises there. DS slept the whole time we were in hospital so no worries about an audience when feeding either. Plus it meant we had a quiet first few days alone at home which we really appreciated especially when the baby blues hit

usandbump · 20/10/2006 10:50

I obviously took far too long to type that post
Sounds like a good decision!

Pollybloodyanna · 20/10/2006 10:51

I didn't find it possible to wait until after the births to tell my parents and in-laws. Not because I was so excited, but because from 3 weeks before my due date they were phoning all the time.

I would say that I was dreading the visitors etc, but it was easy to keep them to once at the hospital and then a few days after the birth. Your dh will just have to tell them that you are tired and trying to sort out breastfeeding etc. Also, it may be that you want them to visit - they might be helpful and cook/clean for you?? (not that mine did, but you never know )

LemonTart · 20/10/2006 10:52

If she lives fairly near you and you trust her, she could be fairly useful! After a few days when the sleep deprivation kicks in, she could pop round and take the baby for a short walk between feeds so you have a chance to lie down for 20 mins?
That way she isn?t stifling you, you are having a break, she is getting solo quality grannie time and your baby has some fresh air? Just a thought

Original poster

maltatheterrible · 20/10/2006 10:53

usandbump, I actually have a sneaky feeling that when push come to shove (ha ha) DP might decide he wants to be there after all, which of course I would not have a problem with.
He's very old school, only wimps cry type of guy but he did get fairly emotional at both scans. I just sat there grinning but he was totally choked.
Hmm, we'll see....

OP posts:

Original poster

maltatheterrible · 20/10/2006 10:55

they live in Bristol, we're in Cornwall but I think they might bring their caravan down and stay on a site near us for a few days/possibly until baby leaves school . She is definitely the kind of person who will cook and clean for me, I think I'd have trouble stopping her to be honest.

OP posts:

squishy · 20/10/2006 10:59

I'm a similar "get the hell away from me" type person, but DH knows this and is quite good at dealing with me! And I'm counting on him to be my advocate if necessary! But am also dreading the visitor thing - his parents have shown little interest and are a 3 hour drive and 1 hour flight away, but my problem is getting DH not to encourage them over the second s/he is born!! That would be my idea of hell. But then my Dad is a 12 hour drive and 2 hour ferry trip away so has booked a nearby cottage for 2 weeks (am also dreading this a little, in case LO is late - almost certain - that he will be around all the time fussing over me!!!).

As you say, seeing how it goes is the best, but I think you've got the answers you need to avoid WW3 and you've got the hormonal reasons you need to be obeyed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tribpot · 20/10/2006 13:38

malta, on the other thread, I think we've mainly been grumbling about people who came to visit and expected to be waited on hand and foot (well, at all in fact). If you think your MIL will be useful then by all means put her to work! I have to say, she does sound a bit - hmm, 'overinvolved', I think that 3 hour distance between you will probably be a good thing in the long run. Does she have any other grandchildren?

Flip

1 2