DH sounding like he doesnt want to be at birth

[letitpea]

He hasnt said as much. But we have obviously had a couple of discussions - still early on, 3 months gone. Firstly I mentioned something, cant remember what, and he said he didnt fancy 'seeing' the birth, and would prefer to be by my head. Fair enough.

Then yesterday, mentioned hed read an article saying its often of 'no benefit' for the dad to be present at the birth. I asked if he was trying to say he didnt want to be, and he said he might not be able to be there. He might be at work. (currently unemployed, applying for jobs) So i said I think you're allowed to leave work if your wife is in labour. He said he might be miles away. I didnt carry on with this conversation, as to be honest, I felt I needed to digest what he said and think about ut.

I'm a bit pissed off! Who the f*ck else does he think I will have with me?!

Weirdly my mum pointed that article to me today and seemed to find it convincing. I haven't read it yet but I think I may reserve judgement until I have. Apparently it quite convincing. Either way the idea might have been planted temporarily but will fade. I think a lot of decisions can change in 6 months. If your DH is worried maybe indulge him for now and see if you can draw a bit more out of him so you understand his worries better and can perhaps assuage his qualms in the run up to the birth?

This reminds me of something I heard a friend say he heard from a mate who had been at his wife's side throughout labour: it's like watching your favourite pub burn down. Such is the mentality of (some) men! I think sometimes men need not to feel like they're doing something that wasn't their idea :) there is perhaps an argument to say it's best not to insist but explain that it's important to you and wait for him to come round?

Don't blame you at all for being pissed at him. Maybe he's not being great at expressing his feelings, perhaps to him the birth would mean having two of you to worry about, perhaps he can't bare the thought of seeing you in pain and so is trying to bury his head in the sand.

Maybe when it comes closer to your due date and once he can feel baby kicking etc it will feel more real and exciting for him.

I've bought my DH two books called Commando Dad, written by a stay at home dad and former army commander. I got slightly concerned when I had reduced movements at about 24 weeks and DH said to me in an exasperated tone "where does it say you should feel the baby move everyday?" Umm, everywhere love! I realised he didn't really have a clue what was going on so the books came highly recommended. One explains what is happening to the woman and baby during pregnancy and also covers labour and birth so your DH may find it useful.

The second book is about caring for baby when they finally arrive.

Just an idea :) I'm now 29 weeks and the further along we go, the more interested and informed my DH is becoming, he's never been overly keen on the birth up to now!

He appears to be missing the point.

It is not for his benefit that he is there, it is for yours. If you need his support then he should be there.

Bloody great to have the choice. They put the ruddy things there and then wimp out of the hard bit. Sod that.

How supportive & interested is he with everything else?

That's rather how I feel - i don't have a choice do i? The article (not read it yet either) is about women not getting comfort/what they need, from the husband being there.

Oh and the woman not wanting the man to see her in that vulnerable state.....

He won't be any use if he'd rather not be there though. The last thing you want is him sat in the corner playing on his phone trying to pretend it isn't happening!

He might get more interested as the baby becomes a bit more real, you get a bump, can feel movement etc. Definitely not worth the argument at this stage. If he still feels the same way at 38w, consider a backup plan, but just get him to consider how he would feel being 3rd / 4th / 5th to see his own baby?

I suppose I think that it should be my decision who I want with me. I certainly don't want my mum or sister! And I also feel that, however he feels about it, he should bloody get a grip and support me! I can't say I'm thrilled at the prospect.

You are right though, not worth the argument at this stage.

He has been good so far, esp with how vile I have been feeling. And taking an interest when I get the pregnancy book out etc.

If he thinks he might be away because of work, how is he envisaging you getting to the hospital?!

That article has no direct link to childbirth, it's about generally women experiencing pain in the presence of their partners. The most significant finding was that women who aren't close to their partners may find that their presence makes things more painful rather than less. The research isn't meant to be used to suggest that partners shouldn't be present, rather that in some cases it might be a hindrance rather than a help.

It's ok for him to be squeamish or nervous, but not ok to think that means he can't support you if you want him to.

It would be wholly unacceptable for him to choose to remain at work whilst you are in labour. But if he feels like he can't face watching you labour, then maybe he would be best staying out of the room.

Id get down to the bedrock of this. Is he wanting to avoid the birth because he is squeamish? concerned that he will panic at seeing you in pain? feel like he will be useless? Or is it more that he doesn't see why he needs to he there? Or, even worse, that he thinks the birth is unimportant?

He hasn't got a job yet culture so god knows what he was on about.

I've just read it. Hardly what I would call an 'article' what a load of bollocks.

Its my first child and I'm bloody terrified. Who else will be there is he's not?

I don't think they should be able to get out of it because they 'can't face it'. I couldn't face giving birth but I bloody had to!

You could hire a Doula if you fancied, (and he could bloody well pay for it!) but I understand how you feel. I wanted DH there at the birth of our first. And thankfully he wanted to be there.

Find out exactly why he doesnt want to be there and see what can be done to remedy that.

Yeah, my husband wasn't sure he could 'face it'. He actually talked like that. He was squeamish, not sure he wanted to see it. Boo fucking hoo was my reply I'm afraid. I told him if he wasn't there for this one coming out he might not be there for the next one going in

So, he is choosing to be at work in a job he doesn't have yet rather than support his wife when she is in labour?

Presumably he had slightly more enthusiasm when you conceived.

Is he usually this selfish and unsupportive or does he only save it for really important stuff?

I've thought about a Doula. May have to investigate that if he's going to be all cap about it. Am not feeling esp rational about it.

I complained to the Guardian yesterday about their misrepresentation of that bit of research.

And if another newspaper has said anything like "the woman not wanting the man to see her in that vulnerable state" well that was ABSOLUTELY not mentioned by the researchers, and must've been simply fabricated.

Here's what I wrote:

I read the article by Ian Sample, science editor, today "Partners can worsen childbirth pains for the intimacy-averse, study finds". The link on the front page says "Dad Go Home" (very emotive and I believe unprofessional).

Having reported on this story myself yesterday, I feel your article was misleading and distorted the facts. The study did not measure labour pain at all, but pain to the finger. Yes it found some women felt more pain when their partner was present.

But the researchers say "Previous research has shown that women prefer to have their partners present during childbirth and they make less use of painkillers after labour. The different results of this controlled experiment could suggest that some of the previous results may not necessary relate to the sensation of physical pain, but the broader meanings and needs associated with childbirth.

"The physical and psychological nature of labour pain may simply be different than other types of pain. Future studies could test how having a partner present during labour affects the pain felt by women who tend to avoid closeness in relationships.”

In other words the WHOLE POINT is that their findings probably do not apply to labour pain.

Please consider editing the story to make it more accurate. Bear in mind the danger of putting men off being present at birth when it would bring the woman great comfort."

Bastard click-baiting bastards

I had a doula present as well as my DP, as my DP is phobic about some aspects of medical care and I didn't want to be worrying about whether he was ok or not. With the doula present, if he needed to step out for a few moments then I knew I wouldn't be on my own. I also felt that having an experienced doula helped my DP as well, as he could discuss things with her if I was not able to speak to him at that moment. It can take the pressure off a bit.

It would be useful if your DH could actually express what's bothering him about the birth, rather than just muttering about it vaguely.

I had my first without anyone there. You do not need anyone and you can do it on your own.
In reality, nobody can do anything to help you. "Support" is a fallacy.
I have had six children and I firmly believe this.

I have been in the same situation throughout this pregnancy with my OH, I am now 35 weeks and he is becoming more open about his actual reasons for being nervous about being there for the birth.

He would previously say things like "but I really dont want to see it" or "it's not traditionally a mans place to be there" and I would be furious and reply "but it isnt about what you want, its about being there for me if I need you".

As time has gone on however, he is becoming excited and is looking forward to the day baby is born. I woke up at about 2:30 am one morning and found him watching a programme called dont drop the baby and he was crying (something which he never does). When I asked him what was wrong, he told me he doesnt know if he'll be any good and that he's really scared something might happen to me or the baby. He suffers from anxiety and thinks he may have panic attacks if I need intervention and I have to be whisked off, which is what happened on the show and the dad on the telly started to freak out.

I have told him that I will be fine and I dont mind if he needs to take a minute during labour to deal with his feelings. I am aware now that he is mostly scared and I can deal with that a little more than his bravado in the beginning.

I totally understand your frustration and it is a normal reaction but maybe there are deeper reasons for his decision. I don't know I hope you get some answers that work for you both. X

I think the previous poster makes a good point.
Although he should be there and suck it up and support you, if he's not capable of being that birthing partner and is likely to be the type who spends the whole time ignoring you or on the phone then you might be better off on your own or with someone else. Have you got a close friend maybe? Plenty of time to think about it mind.
My ex was vaguely disinterested right the way through, it was like I had to prod and poke him to take an interest and support me. He spent the whole of the three days in labour either on his phone or moaning about the fact that he was hungry tired, bored or needed a shower. He left at one point and came back when I called home really upset. It makes the whole thing much harder if they have no interest. Whereas if they aren't there you have that fight or flight without any distraction.
I attended one c section (working in the theatres) where the man had said he was too tired a few hours into labour so he went home. So I had to sit next to the lady and hold the baby for her when it came out. The selfish prick.
He should be there loving you both and supporting you both and hopefully that will come as your pregnancy develops.. but if he doesn't take on much of a supportive or interested role, don't focus your energy on forcing it, focus it on you and the amazing job you are about to do. Have you been together long?

As projectbaby put it - its click baiting, the study was not done on labour and the results I believe only flagged for more pain expressed by the woman if she and the male were not comfortable expressing physical contact.

The findings were to suggest that having a partner there may not be for everyone (duh!).

7to25 she might not need him there f but she wants him there, and that should be enough.

My DH didn't say a word while I was in labour, as it was fairly obvious I didn't want anyone talking to me! I retreated into my own world. It helped me knowing he was there though.

Well.... Men didn't used to be at the births. They used to be outside. Men in the hospital room is quite recent.

Personally I'd rather have been outside with a cigar myself as well. Better than induction/emcs!

Mine came in. But he researched it and did birth classes with me so became knowledgeable. At first he was as scared witless as me!

Give him time