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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

DH sounding like he doesnt want to be at birth

47 replies

letitpea · 22/01/2015 17:16

He hasnt said as much. But we have obviously had a couple of discussions - still early on, 3 months gone. Firstly I mentioned something, cant remember what, and he said he didnt fancy 'seeing' the birth, and would prefer to be by my head. Fair enough.

Then yesterday, mentioned hed read an article saying its often of 'no benefit' for the dad to be present at the birth. I asked if he was trying to say he didnt want to be, and he said he might not be able to be there. He might be at work. (currently unemployed, applying for jobs) So i said I think you're allowed to leave work if your wife is in labour. He said he might be miles away. I didnt carry on with this conversation, as to be honest, I felt I needed to digest what he said and think about ut.

I'm a bit pissed off! Who the f*ck else does he think I will have with me?!

OP posts:

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 22/01/2015 18:28

getoff I sort of see what you're saying but surely the solution is that he should not sit playing on his phone etc, why should he be allowed to behave badly and 'get away with it' essentially? He was 50% responsible for the conception and therefore shouldn't have a 'get out of jail free' card for the birth IMO.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 22/01/2015 18:29

I would definitely rather have been waiting outside the delivery room with a cigar than giving birth

Starlightbright1 · 22/01/2015 18:35

My now exh ( the clue is in the eX) was very self centred person and I pointed out that Labour was not about him but about me and Ds coming out safely.

He was completely useless. I was having to calm him down, if I asked for something had to explain clearly ( while in labour) so he could find it without been stressed out. He complained to the midwife at one point he didn't know what to do...With hindsight it would of been far easier to do it on my own..

This is my experience though...I am not comparing to anyone else simply saying having then there isn't automatically better .

Nolim · 22/01/2015 18:36

Well if he is going to faint or puke at the sight of blood placenta and other stuff it is better if he waits outside.

geekymommy · 22/01/2015 18:42

Is he likely to faint, get sick, or get hysterical at the sight of blood, needles, and such? Some people really do have a phobia of that sort of thing. I do and my dad does (fortunately, I had my glasses off during my C section, so couldn't see anything). When my sister was born in the 70's, they let Dad visit Mom and his new baby after the delivery (they generally didn't let fathers in during the delivery then). Mom had IV lines in, and this really bothered Dad. He was uncomfortable while he was there, and left before very long. I'm not at all sure he would have been an asset during a delivery (he is and was a good dad, but he's just not very good in situations involving gore). Could your DH be like this? I don't think medical professionals like you bringing someone else in who might turn out to be another patient they have to take care of when he faints or vomits.

ApocalypseThen · 22/01/2015 19:55

To be honest, I wouldn't try to force someone who doesn't want to be there to come. That's going to complicate your labour - you don't need it. I'd not be happy about it, but making him go is going to make the birth worse for you.

I'd start making plans now for someone you can rely on to support you - a doula, a friend, a family member. But I'd also let him know that this is a no baxises situation - if he is saying that you need to make other plans (and I think it's not unreasonable to infer that he is) and you do make other plans, there is no mind-changing window left.

Original poster

letitpea · 22/01/2015 20:04

He's not squeamish about blood, needles etc. He has form for just not doing stuff that he's uncomfortable with though nothing as 'big' as this.

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 22/01/2015 20:11

Yeah, in that case you're both better off if he's not there. He's not birth partner material. You need someone reliable.

geekymommy · 22/01/2015 20:24

You sure he's not phobic of blood or needles? Not everyone who has this phobia owns up to it, especially not men. He seems to be someone who isn't owning up to the reason why being there at the birth is bothering him, so he might not admit to a phobia.

You'd like him to be there, be comfortable, and be supportive of you. But you can't make him do that. He may not even be able to make himself do that. Realistically, you may have the choice of having him there playing on his phone (possibly distracting himself from distress), having him there and in distress, or not having him there. Which of those would you rather have?

WhenMarnieWasThere · 22/01/2015 20:29

My DH declared that he didn't want to be at the birth and didn't have to be. I got my head round that in the end, knew that I'd have a midwife there at least for a fair bit of it.

In the end, however, when I called him at work to tell him I was in labour he came to the hospital and was great. Came into the room, was very supportive from what I remember in my gas and air haze and never mentioned the fact that he hadn't intended to be there.

He also attended DD2's birth no question.

I think part of it was getting his head around it and being a bit scared by the whole process.

WhenMarnieWasThere · 22/01/2015 20:30

Which probably wasn't helped by my nearly dying giving birth to DD1. Ooops.

Original poster

letitpea · 22/01/2015 20:35

He's def not phobic. He gives blood regularly, and has mopped up my bloody head injury and watched me be stitched.

He doesn't do 'playing on his phone' He has my 10yr old Nokia for calls and texts. There's no playing to be done.

All very nice for him to have the option isn't it. If he doesn't change his mind, yes I will make other arrangements, but pretty sure I will still feel totally let down.

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/01/2015 21:11

Id say to him "I think its a real shame that at a time I am going to need you most, you would prefer not to be there. It is realy unsportive and selfish of you"

then walk out of the room and blank him for the week as am dead childish

ApocalypseThen · 22/01/2015 21:14

All very nice for him to have the option isn't it.

Yeah, it's well for some alright. Mind you, if I could find a way of not being there myself, I'd be all over it like a hot snot.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 22/01/2015 21:19

I chose to give birth alone - no DH, no birthing partner (I don't think they existed back when I had my two). Just a great midwife and a student doctor.

Rumplestrumpet · 22/01/2015 23:42

I understand your frustration and would certainly feel the same. My DH has spoken about his fears - particularly the worry of seeing me in so much pain and not being able to do anything. I think this is very common, and many men feel an old fashioned urge to protect, even the modern feminists like mine!

But to help DH and me both feel better about it we're reading up on it, and will be going to NCT classes - I'm hoping this will boost his confidence and give him a better sense of his role. Given it's still early days, I'd definitely try this if I were you - I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet. If, once he's armed with more knowledge and reassurance he's still being an arse, then definitely look into alternatives, doulas etc. And maybe look at a doula option anyway. But I wouldn't drop it yet if I were you !

Best of luck

Bondy83 · 23/01/2015 04:17

I'm 35 weeks expecting ds3 my dh keeps making little comments about how I should just ring him when I'm ready to have it etc he even jokingly tried to say he didn't want to be there at all.
My reply was if he was there at the start of this pregnancy he can damn well be there at the end!! I didn't have easy labours previous my 1st being the worse (39hrs labour and ended up with episiotomy & ventouse delivery to which he saw all the gory details ). I understand it mustn't be nice to see the person you love in so much pain. I'm in no way scared or dreading the labour in fact I'm quite looking forward to it I tend to go into myself and not speak during labour so although I don't really want him to do much I just want to know he's there and I'm not on my own. I've got awful visions of him asking my in laws to take me to hospital or come round to the house when my labour starts just so he can avoid it for as long as possible.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 23/01/2015 04:45

Our plan was for my DH to be present but I had a failed induction by pessary and elected for a CS. DH almost fainted when they put my IV in. I said to him that I didn't want to be worrying about him and would be ok with him not coming in.
I had hired a Doula and she had never seen a CS, so she robed up and came with me (she'd never seen a CS and my OBYGN was awesome). She gave a running commentary and took photos.
DH stayed in my hospital room and had skin to skin with DS whilst I was in recovery.

PixelFloyd · 23/01/2015 04:46

I'd also suggest you do NCT or other antenatal classes together. It'll soon dawn on him that he's being completely fucking a bit selfish and what he can/should be doing to help/support you.

geekymommy · 23/01/2015 13:18

The fact is, he does have the option to not be there, and you don't. It's not fair, and it sucks, but that's how it is.

Have you told him in words that you really want him to be there? Whatever you are telling him, he's not picking up on how much you want him to be there. Some people are not good at picking up on things like this unless told directly.

You can't make him want to be there. He can't make himself want to be there. You can insist that he be there.

invisiblecrown · 23/01/2015 13:21

Have you said 'DH, I need you there. I will be scared, and you're the person I am going to need above of all others to help me through'?

How does/would he respond to this?

geekymommy · 23/01/2015 15:10

Even if he were miles away, labour usually takes a while. Like several hours, especially for first births. Those cases where women give birth in their car by the side of the road before an ambulance can get there are very much the exception (and they're usually not first births). The average time in labour for a first birth here is 6-12 hours. He might have time to fly from New York to London while you were in labour. Unless he's likely to be further away than that, or you have a really short labour, that's not likely to actually be a problem.

A birth class might not be a bad idea, especially if he does have some unrealistic ideas about what is likely to actually happen at the birth.

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