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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Dp making me feel guilty for not breastfeeding

45 replies

Mamabear14 · 19/01/2015 21:03

So I am 13 weeks pregnant, this will be my 3rd baby, and dp's first. I tried bf with my first, it didn't work and I ended up sore and feeling like a failure. With my 2nd I ff from the beginning and it was much better for me mentally, ds was getting fed properly etc. I have decided to ff this one as well but dp keeps asking if 'I'm not even going to try' and 'not even express' etc and keeps laying on about how it's best, like I wasn't aware. I know he means well and wants the best for his baby etc and claims of he could do it himself he would, but in my preggo hormonal rage I swing between feeling guilty and wanting to cry to wanting to slap him. Surely ff and a happy mum is better all round?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CynthiaDelgado · 19/01/2015 21:06

Well I agree with you but plenty on here won't. Although Despite the fact I agree in princial it's not stopped me feeling guilty. So much pressure out there.

pookamoo · 19/01/2015 21:06

I think 13 weeks is very early days. Keep talking to your partner.

Good luck with all of it.

Nolim · 19/01/2015 21:07

Agree. A happy mum is a better mum. And formula is not poison. And he can help with midnight feeds

Schoolaroundthecorner · 19/01/2015 21:08

Your body your decision. He's entitled to an opinion but not to keep hassling you about it.

ApplesTheHare · 19/01/2015 21:09

Yes certainly, your lo will be healthy and happy with a happy mama I don't think men can ever understand how hard bf is. My DH was very much like your partner and it's only now he's seen first-hand how hard it is that he understands why it's not always the best option. Sometimes the physiological benefits just don't outweigh the psychological and emotional (and sometimes physical) toll it can take on a mum. Be kind to yourself and keep behind realistic about what you can and can't do, especially with two other los to look after. Can't imagine trying to do that while sat on the sofa breastfeeding for 8 hours a day like you end up doing for the first few weeks

IWantDogger · 19/01/2015 21:09

I think you're right about a happy mum being most important. But to be honest I find it hard to understand why you wouldn't keep an open mind and see how it goes giving colostrum in the first few days then take it from there? Babies are all different and your bf experience could be different. I had a horrible bf experience first time round and ff from about 10 days. Second time I thought I'll give bf a go but not beat myself up if it's not working, it was tough again for different reasons and I mix fed then totally ff from about 4 wks. Am expecting dc3 now and hoping it might be 3rd time lucky with BF but again I know ff works for me and my other dc so if it is difficult or starts to get me down I will ff or mix feed again.
So I get that ff works for you.
But I can see why your DP might be frustrated if you're being very definite about not even trying the first few days. Not sure what you've got to lose?

Only1scoop · 19/01/2015 21:09

He shouldn't make you feel guilty....

You have experience of both methods so are able to make that choice when the time comes.

Good luck

jimmycrackcornbutidontcare · 19/01/2015 21:11

You could try giving the baby a couple of feeds. The initial feeds are full of antibodies. This would benefit the baby and shouldn't make you too sore and as an added bonus your DP would be happier. I see your DP's point. You won't know how you and this baby would get on with bfing unless you try. But I also see your point. It's your body. You decide whether you feed your baby with it or not.

softlysoftly · 19/01/2015 21:11

I agree it's your body your choice. He can't dictate what you do at all and shouldn't try to guilt /berate you into it

Having said that I hated bf with my first was far happier when I moved to FF but with DC1+2 it was easy from the beginning and as I'm a lazy cheap arse who cba to wash it i feed until 1yo (still feeding DC3).

So although his attitude would make me want to say "fuck you" and ff out of spite. Don't dismiss bf from your first experienc, just don't pressure yourself. I decided after DC1 I'd try it in hospital and give the colostrum/antibodies and if it didn't work I wouldn't hesitate to switch to ff.

lemisscared · 19/01/2015 21:13

if i were in your position i would bf for the first few days for the immunological benefits and then ff. That is what I would do. I struggled with BFing because well, it is better, but in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't worth it. I ended up with PND, and it was nothing to do with BFing but because i had that, the bfing didn't help. I should have given up but felt i was being a bad mother if i did.

It really is your decision and your Dp needs to respect that.

Original poster

Mamabear14 · 19/01/2015 21:14

I may decide to give the colostrum yet, I will decide after the birth for sure, but being hassled about it doesn't fill me with confidence. It sort of feels like if it fails again I will be letting him down

OP posts:

munchkinmaster · 19/01/2015 21:14

I cAn see both view points. He wants what he thinks is best but you are having the baby and will be doing the feeding! My dh can enrage me in this way, don't let toddler watch too much tv, don't use the jumperoo too much. I quite agree in principle but on a practical level you fucking try it!

I think more the issue is you need to be able to talk sensibly with respect and not be guilting each other. So maybe it's a communication issue rather than a feeding one .

He also maybe also feels a bit at a disadvantage as you are the experienced parent, so trying to put his stamp on things as it were?

Original poster

Mamabear14 · 19/01/2015 21:15

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it helps to hear them and keep an open mind

OP posts:

PunkrockerGirl · 19/01/2015 21:15

Surely ff and a happy mum is better all round?

Of course it is, Op. But you'll be led to believe otherwise on here.

batgirl1984 · 19/01/2015 21:16

Can you set as time to explain it to him? Then its not hanging over you both as something he needs to keep referring to. Just set a time to deal with the issue then move on to other things! He's excited, its his first - he wants to do everything by the book - you're more realistic, its your third, you want to do everything by bedtime!

MyCrazyLife · 19/01/2015 21:16

Maybe he just cba to do night feeds?

Littleturkish · 19/01/2015 21:17

It's not worth engaging with him about- I completely sympathise. I tried so hard with my DD, completely convinced if I just 'tried harder' I could do it. She wouldn't latch. I had the HV, MW, and lactation consultant out- no one could tell me why. It was agony, I eventually gave up and in a hormonal PND nightmare convinced myself my daughter no longer needed me and it took at least four weeks to feel less guilty and accept the bottle feeding. The physical damage mostly healed, but I am almost scared of trying to feed my next. If my DH said ANYTHING, I would be furious.

If he says anything again, just say- I've made my choice, I've had two children, I know how I feel about it, you're not going to change my mind.

You are not wrong. If the baby comes and you do want to try, that's ok too. Never ignore your own instincts. If it was a matter of HIS body being sucked and bleeding and swollen tender bits I doubt he'd be so blimming keen.

ApplesTheHare · 19/01/2015 21:18

OP please don't feel guilty. There is no 'failing', bf just doesn't work for everyone. And for sooooo many different reasons. Whatever you end up doing your lo will be fine. My dd is now 4.5mo and hardly any of the babies we know are still bf. They're all happy, thriving and looking ahead to weaning rather than worrying about milk.

AlpacaMyBags · 19/01/2015 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 19/01/2015 21:18

Compromise? Give the colostrum and switch when your milk comes in as it does either way and before you get sore.

But ultimately it's your choice and it's still early on and really not worth discussing at this point really.

Tell him you know it's exciting for him but can you not do the feeding talk at this early stage

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/01/2015 21:19

I breastfed my first for three years and am still BFing my second. I'm a big fan of BFing.

However... Your body. Your choice. He needs go accept that.

IWantDogger · 19/01/2015 21:20

I think it might be a good idea to say to him you are keeping an open mind but you want to prepare him it may not work out. Also to try and communicate to him how important it is for you to not feel pressured or guilt tripped by him if you decide not to continue, and that it's a very emotive subject.

To be fair to him before I had dd1 I believed that everyone could and should BF - I was very naive and had no idea about the reality and how difficult it can be! (And how absolutely fine formula is)

CultureSucksDownWords · 19/01/2015 21:24

This is a communication/relationship issue really. He's not listening to you and not realising how much it's bothering you, and that's it's counterproductive anyway!

It's definitely your body so your choice. No one should force you or badger you to do something with your body that you don't want to do. I think it could be useful to say that you are concerned that he isn't listening to and understating your viewpoint based on your direct experience. You could say that you'll discuss it again after the 20 week scan for example. But only if he's prepared to be supportive of you whatever you decide.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/01/2015 21:27

Do what's right for you. if I ever have another baby I'm. Going straight to ff.

It didn't work first time. didn't bother the second d and it won't even be an option for the third ( not that I'm having one)

fed baby and happy mummy. nothing wrong with that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

if your husband is so bothered he can take hormones and lactate himself.

sandgrown · 19/01/2015 21:27

Like the others say maybe try the first feeds and see how you feel. I tried BF with all three but only successful with one. All of them are healthy happy children so do not beat yourself up whatever you decide

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