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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Dp making me feel guilty for not breastfeeding

45 replies

Mamabear14 · 19/01/2015 21:03

So I am 13 weeks pregnant, this will be my 3rd baby, and dp's first. I tried bf with my first, it didn't work and I ended up sore and feeling like a failure. With my 2nd I ff from the beginning and it was much better for me mentally, ds was getting fed properly etc. I have decided to ff this one as well but dp keeps asking if 'I'm not even going to try' and 'not even express' etc and keeps laying on about how it's best, like I wasn't aware. I know he means well and wants the best for his baby etc and claims of he could do it himself he would, but in my preggo hormonal rage I swing between feeling guilty and wanting to cry to wanting to slap him. Surely ff and a happy mum is better all round?

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GingerCuddleMonster · 19/01/2015 21:31

you really do need to communicate rather than just talk at each other till one is fed up.

I agree your body your choice, I ff from the get go, we had discussed breast feeding and after a discussion with my plastic surgeon who did my breast augmentation (for underdeveloped breasts) it was obvious it wasn't worth even attempting. The report stated minimal mammory glands and tissue, and when I asked about the safety of the implants, he said they are safe by the book, but my wife has the same and she didn't (wink wink)

we discussed it as a couple, weighed up the pros and cons and decided together not to bother.

you need to sit down together and weigh up the pros and cons and see what conclusion you come to.

Iwillorderthefood · 19/01/2015 21:44

This is a very emotive subject. As others have said, each baby will be different. However, you need to find what works best for you. For me, I could not latch DD1, so expressed for six months, I wish I had just gone to FF, I did not bond with my DD during those months it was all about the expressing, I was utterly miserable. DD2 and 3 I have managed to BF, but my goodness it's tough, all of the responsibility was on me. I decided to bf as I believe it is best for my children, however, I think anyone considering it, should also consider at what cost it will be to themselves as the mother. If FF works best for you go for it.

BotoxBitch · 19/01/2015 21:49

Why not just give it a try? If it doesn't work give formula if it does then great.

CultureSucksDownWords · 19/01/2015 21:55

It's really not about whether Mamabear14 should bf/mix feed/ff or whatever. It's about how she and her DP can communicate about a parenting decision without either party feeling aggrieved.

Original poster

Mamabear14 · 19/01/2015 22:02

Thank you all. I think his problem is that he doesn't quite understand that it's not just a case of plonking baby on to boob and off you go, that it needs to be established and is painful and sometimes, it just doesn't work. The problem with it being the most natural thing is that it's hard to accept when it's not the best thing.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 19/01/2015 22:05

Op it's your body and you have ownership over your own breasts. If you don't want to breastfeed then don't, don't even feel under pressure to try if you don't want to. There's nothing to make someone more miserable than being told what to do with their own body (I say this as a mum of 2 who chose to ff from birth).

A dp going on at you to breastfeed would put me off completely even if I was half considering it.

fattymcfatfat · 19/01/2015 22:13

I ff both of mine I wanted to try bf fir the first couple of days at least with dc1 but was too weak I couldnt even hold the bottle (I hemorrhaged ) with dc 2 I didnt even attempt it and I wont with this one either. I am totally fine with other mums bf in public but I just wouldn't be comfortable. I truly believe that if mum is not happy then baby wont be either. It is your decdecision at the end of the day. I understand your dp has probably read loads on how breast is best etc and there is not much out there on ff but maybe you need to explain to him that baby will pick up on how you are uncomfortable and wont feed properly so it would be best for you personally to ff . Good luck and congratulations

Zsazsabinks · 19/01/2015 22:16

Apparently men can lactate with the right help. There, problem solved.

Purplefrogeatsalily · 19/01/2015 22:17

I saw it written on here before... In your child's life, there are literally thousands of things you can choose to do that will be of benefit to them. Some of these will be appropriate to your personal circumstances and some won't. All the best OP :)

berrypicking · 20/01/2015 13:14

I didnt get on well with bf either and it was making me cry every night because I couldn't do it. I found expressing milk the for the first week to get the good stuff helped and then ff and I was so much happier. I did feel some guilt to begin with but not now. I intend to try bf and if it doesn't work express again at the beginning and then ff and I won't punish myself for it like I did last time.
Seems like he means well but doesn't understand how hard it can be.

Chunderella · 20/01/2015 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN · 20/01/2015 19:09

I disagree with those who say you should have a discussion about it and pros and cons and compromise.
I appreciate its his first baby and he's probably excited and of course wants the best for his child BUT it's your body and you know your body best. The main problem is that he's not listening to why you don't want too and isn't letting the subject drop. Tell him that you don't want to discuss it again until you're ready and the reality is for your wellbeing you may not bf at all but he needs to back off.

(Hmmm I may be a bit grouchy at 39 wks and fed up )

ApocalypseThen · 20/01/2015 20:43

I don't think compromise is the right word here. That implies give and take on both sides, which translates as you do what he wants and he stops going on, because he's nothing else to bargain with.

I'd tell him to get knotted - it's not his body.

In any event, I read that the benefits of breast feeding have been overstated so don't feel guilty. Do the best you can.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 20/01/2015 21:24

Tell you what if he's so keen, have a little 'practice run' pretend bf - for him...

Every 2 hours during the night wake him up and put a clothes peg on his nipple for half an hour and repeat.

...I doubt he'll be so keen.

Your body, your choice and I agree with Chundarella. I've bf both DC and I'll be honest the first few weeks were hell BUT it was MY decision (I say 'my' - ideally I wanted to mix feed bf/ff but neither stubborn DC were having it and gave up). If DH tried to guilt trip me into it he'd have met an untimely demise...

Oh and congratulations

secondtimeprego · 21/01/2015 09:22

It's a shame you can't agree on this. I bf my first struggling for 2 months until my partner suggested formula. Felt like a total failure - but my son started thriving as he was no longer constantly hungry and I was a much happier mummy for it! I'm going to try with baby 2 (its free! Vs expensive ff) but I certainly won't push myself if it doesn't work. Happy mum = happy baby! To outright decide you don't even want to try means you must have had an awful experience first time round and hopefully your partner will come to understand your choice. It is your choice! And no one should ever make you beat yourself up about it. Good luck.

kaykayred · 21/01/2015 11:17

I don't think I could be with a man who felt entitled on voicing his "preferences" on how I gave birth, or how I decided to feed the child.

I heard someone's husband make a pretty derisive remark about his wife getting an epidural once, and I had to physically leave the room to prevent myself from kicking him repeatedly in the nuts whilst shouting "WHAT'S THAT? YOU WANT THE PAIN TO STOP? YOU'VE GOT HOURS LEFT SWEETHEART. NEXT UP IS A MELON UP YOUR ARSE".

To be fair, he was a total knob end.

Whilst of course he is entitled to say "I would really prefer for the child to have breast milk" that's as far as he can push it. The only justification you should ever have to give is "I don't want to do that". He isn't the one who will have to deal with cracked, bleeding nipples.

Of course you could always " just try it out" but you aren't OBLIGED to. It's really no-one's business - you have to make the decision which will have the greatest positive impact on you.

Lots of women in my family haven't been able to breast feed (they didn't even have milk come in), and had to rely on formula. I hope it isn't genetic, as I would like to at least see what it's like before making a decision, but I wouldn't judge someone moving directly to formula.

It's absolutely horrific to imagine someone doing something as invasive, difficult, and (potentially) painful as breast feeding through obligation or pressure. I honestly think that would test my sanity.

(to note: if you like breastfeeding, or found it easy, then obviously none of the descriptors above will apply to you. But if you don't want to do it, or really struggle with it, then having a baby hanging onto your body on demand is seriously invasive. It's just a question of your views on it, which are very difficult to change)

toofarfromcivilisation · 21/01/2015 11:27

Tell him to put wooden pegs on his nipples and walk around with his shirt open all next weekend and see how he feels then?

AlpacaMyBags · 22/01/2015 02:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chips1999 · 22/01/2015 03:01

I would refuse to discuss it with him - no point if he's not listening to you!

Nobody can make you breastfeed, it's bloody hard enough to breastfeed even if you desperately want to

Zsazsabinks · 22/01/2015 08:12

It wouldn't be enough to put the bulldog clips on his nipples alone. You also need to simulate thrush and cracked nipples as well as the sucking motion. I would attach a light grade of sandpaper to the inside of the clips and move them gently to and fro whilst they are attached to him. You should then dab a little vinegar over the sore nipples, to simulate the stinging pain. Obviously you need to repeat this every 2 hrs and each feed should last 45 mins. The 2hrs is counted from the onset of each 45min session, not the end. Whilst he's asking you to stop you could repeat "But this is GOOD pain darling, you're doing your best" etc. :D Maybe a little harsh but at least realistic. Obviously, dousing in water immediately after he gets dressed, opting to do extra feeds if he happens to sit down for a tea and walking around for a week or so with your breasts out are also essential to the process.

You are not obliged to do anything with your breasts that you don't want to do and nobody has any place to be telling you otherwise. If you don't want to breastfeed, then don't. What you do with your body is not up for discussion.

I've breastfed each of my children for over a year and so I don't have a ff guilt axe to grind here or anything, I just think that it suits some people just fine and others it doesn't and in that case ff is a fantastic thing. It's about women having choice over their reproductive organs and Mums being happy and enjoying their new babies.

Good luck!

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