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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Scared and in total shock

32 replies

Debbiemac1 · 18/01/2015 13:30

This thread seems really old but hopefully someone will see this and respond. I am 45 next Thursday with DD's 21, 19, 7 and 4 and thought we were done. Just took a test yesterday and it was positive. I am in total shock, scared, I am married but my husband works abroad, and we thought we were finished. I have always avoided BD around day 9-14 just in case but this time clearly not. I am not happy right now, at all I just don't see this as a good thing :(. I am happy with the four we have and feel too old to do this again. Any advice from older mum's would be welcome. Really just in shock still.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Meerka · 18/01/2015 15:02

I got preg at 44 1/2 though it was a much-wanted 2nd pregnancy ... despite knowing I'd get hyperemesis.

It must be pretty early days? It'll take a few days to adjust; right now yeah you're in shock. Be gentle on yourself. Tell your husband early. In your shoes I might be tempted to do it by email so that he has time to think before he replies.

If you give yourself some time then you can work out what both your heart and your head is saying. I do completely sympathise with feeling you're too old. First was born when I was 39, this one at 45. Can notice the energy difference even in those 6 years. Though ... cuddling the Pipsqueak is a true joy. Also Papa is very hands on indeed which helps. If I was on my own I'm afraid the decision would be made as there is no possible way I could cope with a 3rd (health problems).

Can you manage financially if you have another? Could you arrange some help - a cleaner or part time child care - if you do decide to carry on with the pregnancy?

Good luck debbie.

ssd · 18/01/2015 15:08

op.would your older girls be able to give you a hand a bit more?

Original poster

Debbiemac1 · 18/01/2015 16:33

Hi Meerka,

No money is not a worry thankfully. Also I would have help with my 19 year old still at home, but DH is almost 50 (Nov) and is not keen at all although has said he will support my decision. I have always been pro life but the thought of doing this again is really daunting. I have no health issues other than Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. My other 4 pregnancies have all been easy no issues other than all having to be induced and back to back + first one was a section. All four of them were good and easy babies, but still. The thought is just huge right now. I know DH would be happier if we did not go ahead. But those are all selfish reasons and do I have a right to do that purely for selfish reasons. I am just not happy at all. I feel every one would judge me as well being pretty much 45. I think also he feels he would have to come back to Scotland to live and cannot really do that at the moment. Plus he will be 50 with a newborn. I just don't know I feel like my body has gone into shock.

Thank you for the reply.

OP posts:

Belleende · 18/01/2015 17:58

Just to pipe up, if you do decide to go ahead, you may need to up your dose of thyroxine - mine has doubled.

Big decision you are facing, I think you have to do what is right for you and your family. It is probably easier to pro life in theory, but much harder in real life when you find yourself in a tricky spot - and you have many more lives than one to consider. I dont think the reasons you haveb outlined are selfish at all. Good luck - big decision.

weelamb123 · 18/01/2015 18:08

Hi there, I thout id post and try and put ur mind at rest. My dh will be 50 in march and I am 13 weeks pregnant. We have a ds together who is almost 9. My dh also has a step son (31) and dd (25) from a previous marriage. His step son is expecting a baby just before us and so my dh will be a grandad as well as a new dad again at 50. Although he is over the moon about our dc2 as we have been trying for a long time. I am only 35 having said that but there's nothing more special than a new baby. Ur dh will love it when he/she is born. Good luck xxxx

Meerka · 18/01/2015 19:07

I'm not sure people will judge you as much as it might seem - and if they do, then they need to back right bloody off. Whose business is it except yours, your husband's and the childrens?

Beyond that though if you are deeply unhappy it's more of a problem. Could you give it 2-3 weeks and see how you feel then? Oh for a crystal ball!

Original poster

Debbiemac1 · 18/01/2015 19:14

Hi all and thank you so much for your support already. Yes I am going to give it a couple of weeks. DH wants me to make an appointment with the GP anyway and just discuss risks etc. I think he is just panicking that something will go wrong and he will be left with oodles of kids. I am a SAHM so I don't have any excuses other than I was about to get my life back. DD 4 goes to school in August, how terrible am I. I have no good reasons other than this is just not something we remotely considered/wanted or anything at all. I am also extremely concerned about the chromosomal abnormality risks among other things that can all go wrong. If you read about what issues there are in pregnancy over 43ish its pretty scary reading.

On another note can anyone tell me why I cannot see this thread on Pregnancy I can only access it via the email Mumsnet sent me. I though I had posted on Mums over 40 board then when I could not find my message I asked them to delete it but she moved it to the right place for me but I cannot see it at all, is it on Talk, pregnancy? as I cannot find it.

Thanks for your replies

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/01/2015 19:22

It's in Pregnancy but I came to it via Active Convos.

I think it is a good thing to take some time - a couple of weeks - to make your decision. I am 44 and would be horrified to find myself pregnant TBH. not to mention impossible given that I already went through early menopause 6 years ago No wonder you are shell shocked.

Original poster

Debbiemac1 · 18/01/2015 19:28

Shell shocked is about right. I am afraid to also make a decision I could regret for the rest of my life.

OP posts:

Meerka · 18/01/2015 19:34

yes, the risks are higher. It has to be taken seriously ... plus the chance of miscarriage is much higher.

But you do have time on your side in that you don't need to decide immediately.

Btw, its reasonable to want your own life back. It really is. 4 kids is a lot of giving. It's ok - it's healthy- to have a balance between your needs and your children's.

One question that is very very hard to answer but that might help, if you can: can you live with the idea of a termination? (some people the answer is yes, some no, but it's something you need to be able to answer yourself).

fattymcfatfat · 18/01/2015 19:41

Hi im not an older mum actually quite a young mum. I had my first at 17 my second at 22 im now 23 and expecting number 3. This has been quite a difficult time for me as I suffered lots of health problems with my last pregnancy and I found out I was expecting before my dds first birthday! Big shock as I was on the pill so not a planned pregnancy and oh left me just before finding out so am on my own. I have decided to go ahead with the pregnancy even though I know I will have difficulty throughout. The decision is yours to make with your hubby. You have to decide what will be best for you and your family. Too many people are too quick to judge. Nobody else is in your shoes and nobosy else can decide what is right for you. If people have a go because your an older mum its probably because they wouldnt be able to do it and are jealous of the fact that you are doing such a fantastic job. Take your time and do whats best for you. Stop worrying what others will think/say

Meerka · 18/01/2015 19:46

heh about beign shell shocked ... when I did the test, never expecting it to be positive after 6 years without conceiving, I couldn't believe the result. So poor husband was sent out to buy several more sticks.

Lots of sticks all saying the same thing led to a case of the shakes and a severe sudden intake of tea.

fattymcfatfat · 18/01/2015 19:53

I thought I was just getting fatter! I had to phone tye ex and get him to come round as it isnt really something I wanted to discuss over the phone and when he turned up I didnt know what to say so I just threw my pee stick at him!

Original poster

Debbiemac1 · 18/01/2015 22:09

Hi Meerka, all i have done is drink tea.

Thats funny throwing the stick, his face must have been a picture. My husband thought I was joking. I was not laughing.

The only positive thing other than a clear blue stick is my 19 year old is thrilled.

OP posts:

sianihedgehog · 18/01/2015 22:40

hey OP, if you are concerned about chromosomal abnormalities have you considered getting the Harmony test done? it's done at 10 weeks and by 12 weeks pregnancy you'll have a really good idea of whether chromosomal abnormalities are likely. www.fetalmedicine.com/harmony-test

I've chosen to get it done because of my age, I'm 37. It really is only worth doing if you think you could live with a termination for abnormalities, though. If not, you may as well just wait and find out later on and save the £400...

Vijac · 18/01/2015 23:23

You could also get an amniocentesis done. If you are pro life would you consider adoption. You could make a childless couple very happy. But I know it is not something everyone can consider.

Meerka · 19/01/2015 07:36

Harmony is safer than than CVS or amniocentesis. I went for the CVS in case of chromosomal problems (1 in 25 chance or so at my age then; harmony wasn't available in the NL) and got sepsis from it ... the Pipsqueak and I were very lucky to pull through.

The chance of infection is not that high, 1 in 50 or 1 in 100, but Harmony is safer .. and it doesn't involve threading a needle through your stomach to the chorion villae (sp?)

Original poster

Debbiemac1 · 19/01/2015 09:59

No for us adoption would not be an option at all. Have looked at Harmony and that seems like a good idea actually. Safer than CVS or amnio so we will probably go for that. I know for sure we would not proceed if there were Down's issues etc. Also scarily apparently the risk of twins if much higher at 45+.

OP posts:

Artistic · 19/01/2015 10:11

What a tough decision for you. Am sure in your shoes I'd be torn between head & heart. I second the harmony test. It's quick, non invasive & very very accurate. I did it when I was pg at 36, just to give myself some peace of mind!

ssd · 19/01/2015 10:27

have you discussed it with your dh yet? Is he as confused as you are?

Original poster

Debbiemac1 · 19/01/2015 11:22

He is in total shock mode, scared I think. Worried for me and for any possible issues with the baby. Plus we had given away/sold the pram, rocker etc etc. Would need to get all new things and potentially boy things as we only have pink.

OP posts:

ssd · 19/01/2015 11:26

its big upheaval, but could potentially be something great..

how does your gut feel?

Original poster

Debbiemac1 · 19/01/2015 11:30

Yes, it could be wonderful. I don't feel I have the right to end a life as I have no issues to deal with I am married, have a lovely home etc, I don't work so I only have the "we are too old and we thought we were done" and I do not think those are good enough reasons to not proceed. We will definitely have to do the Harmony test though.

OP posts:

ssd · 19/01/2015 11:48

sounds like you've came to your decision, all the very best to you both

Original poster

Debbiemac1 · 20/01/2015 10:07

I went to the GP yesterday and his test came up negative, but I am never late and now 1 week late. He did a blood test so results back this afternoon or tomorrow morning. He did say under my family circumstances he could easily recommend a termination. I think he meant my husband working abroad, and the age issue.

OP posts:

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