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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Visitors-hospital and otherwise

59 replies

SiameseDream · 18/01/2015 12:37

NC for this as family members are on here.

I only want DH in the delivery room. Afterwards I also want us to have time to ourselves at the hospital and for us to decide when we are ready for visitors. I'm planning on BFing and also I'm the type to throw all my clothes off! How strict are the midwives at stopping people turning up?

MIL, who isn't horrible btw and I don't hate her, started off by saying she will be in delivery room and was told no. Now she is saying she will be at the hospital the minute I go there. She has been told by DH no multiple times but it's not sinking in. She keeps relaying her version of "what is going to happen when SD goes into labour" and that involves her "tearing up to the hospital" and waiting. The thought of this terrifies me but she seems to think it's hilarious.

What did everyone else do as I can't be the first in this position? Do we not tell them when I go into labour/date for CS if appropriate? But she contacts DH a lot so an

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Tranquilitybaby · 18/01/2015 14:17

She sounds hard work! Could DH not just check in a few times whilst you're in labour bit not say anything. Keep her off the scent. I would be unimpressed.

ImperialBlether · 18/01/2015 14:19

Why does MIL have the right to be first over your own mum? Who the hell does she think she is?!

JE1982 · 18/01/2015 14:30

Just to say not all hospitals are strict about visitors - I just had a baby. ( large london hospital) and although the recovery ward said there were strict visiting hours, in practice people just strolled in and out without being challenged. The woman in the bed next to me had extended family with her pretty much 24 hours a day.

So really your dh needs to be very clear with mil that she must not turn up until invited, there's no guarantee the hospital will keep her out.

ImperialBlether · 18/01/2015 14:32

Congratulations on your baby, JE1982. Didn't the woman in the next bed's visitors drive you crazy? You can hardly rest if there are people milling around all the time.

JE1982 · 18/01/2015 14:36

Yes, honestly they did! Was exhausted by the time we left hospital, the ward was just too full and noisy.

SiameseDream · 18/01/2015 14:45

That's really inconsiderate of people and a poor show from the hospital JE. Glad for you that you are home now and congrats on your baby.

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Bondy83 · 18/01/2015 14:51

When your in delivery suite they won't let anyone in without your permission write it on your birth plan that only DH is allowed in. Mil can camp outside the ward all she likes she won't get anywhere near you

MadameJulienBaptiste · 18/01/2015 14:52

When I had ds1 we stopped answering the phone by my due date so people got used to leaving messages then we got back to them. Mil was at her own daughters birth partner a few weeks before and when I had ds she was happy to visit in the evening slot after my parents came in the afternoon. After that neither of the grannies got priority. but immediately after the birth, your own parents are not only wanting to see the baby, but also to hear how their daughter is.
For that reason alone, your mil is unreasonable elbowing in ahead of your own mum.
and as for turning up and waiting.... she could be camped out on the corridor a LONG time!!

SiameseDream · 18/01/2015 14:53

I'm going to ask MW about protocol at our Hosp and quote that to MIL.

Yes Tranquility it is a bit hard work! I don't get why she would behave like this when it only serves to a)stress me out and b)put me off of her. I think she has anxiety.
I thought similar after I posted Imperial ie why does she have to be stage managed? I've said to her she is almost certain to be the first by virtue of geography. It sticks in the throat a bit but my parents live much further away. We have a friend who lives round the corner from hosp, feel like inviting him to visit first-evil

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gincamelbak · 18/01/2015 16:55

With DC1, our plan was to not tell anyone I was in labour and just phone when we had the baby. My mum was insistent she would just head to the hospital and was happy to wait even though I told her I didn't want that and wouldn't have visitors immediately, I wanted a few hours to have a shower etc.
In the end I was induced at 12 days overdue so people knew birth was imminent but I pressed home the point it could be days. In the end it was 12hrs and when we phoned my parents told them the visiting hours and that the hospital was v strict with them. That helped (although it did end up with her wrestling the baby off me and taking a hundred photos and then snapping at me for not letting my sister "have a shot" when DD was 12hrs old...)

This time, they will be looking after DD so will know when I'm in labour but will be restricted with visiting hours also.

My PIL don't really seem to care. They visited for 3 days when DD was 3wks old and were more interested in going out for meals and seeing garden centres than her. They've made no mention of visiting this time round. They live in Ireland so have to book flights but aren't bothered about sorting anything for that.

But if they were interested, there is no way I'd have my MIL in delivery room. It's nobody's choice but the pregnant woman, if you're having the baby you get to decide who is in there with you.

SiameseDream · 18/01/2015 17:14

Thanks camel, it amazes me how anyone can think its ok to wrestle a newborn from it's mother! And your own Mum too. Oh how they forget their own experiences 'cause I bet they wouldn't have liked that.

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Theveryhungrycaterpillar123 · 18/01/2015 17:26

When I had DS we were only allowed 2 visitors and we had to give names to the mw, no-one else was allowed in.

IDontDoIroning · 18/01/2015 17:41

The thought is probably much more attractive than the reality as it's more than likely your going to be in labour a good few hours.
Ask her where does she think she's going to wait? Hospital labour wards don't have waiting rooms and in my experience of wards in general they don't let randoms in and out or hang round for all sorts of reasons - drugs security infection control etc. They are probably buzzer or swipe card controlled. So she's going to left out in a public corridor or the canteen for what could be hours possibly even all night when she could be at home in bed - she's mental.
You've all ready told her she's not getting in the room.
You don't know how your labour will go you could (I hope not) end up with a section or going off to be stitched up - they really won't want nervous anxious granny flapping in the background.
Get your dh to have a word. It's not a performance youre selling tickets for.

Ragwort · 18/01/2015 17:48

I don't understand why you need to tell anyone when you are in labour - thank goodness I had my baby years before constant texting/FB/etc etc became 'the norm'. Hmm No one knew I was in labour (except DH & hospital staff) and we telephoned my DM & DMIL well after our DS's arrival via EMCS with various health problems.

Your DH needs to tell her firmly to butt out and he will let her know when you are both ready for 'visitors'.

SiameseDream · 18/01/2015 18:16

Yes I'm veering towards not telling people re: labour. Shame it has to come to that. She already has to know every single appointment I have-even the most banal thing-and then she has to be debriefed on it. That annoys me too-not sure if reasonable or not to be annoyed by that?

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Lunastarfish · 18/01/2015 18:29

I get on fine with my MIL but she is the sort of person who will be waiting in the waiting room if she knows I am in labour and I don't want to see her (or even my own parents) immediately after birth.

It's perhaps mean, but I am planning on not telling anyone I am in labour, and providing I don't have to stay in hospital too long, I am planning not to announce the birth to anyone until I am home.

comeagainforbigfudge · 18/01/2015 18:32

Every appointment?! Sheesh.

Start telling her about your hair appointments. Dentist? Do you do on-line shopping? When food is being delivered.

When she has doctors appointments does she give you a full account?!!

SiameseDream · 18/01/2015 18:39

Yeah every appt fudge. What's that about? I'd understand if it was a scan but seriously a fricking injection?! Anyway I started to ignore the texts about appointments. So I managed to get through the last MW appt unnoticed hehe - felt smug.
Lunastar I like your thinking. I get on fine with my MIL too, it's just this aspect of her, I don't know what it is-anxiety? Is yours like that?

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redcaryellowcar · 18/01/2015 18:54

I really think your dh needs to 'manage' this, and you need to be totally clear you have final say on who comes and when, those first few hours are so precious as are the first days for getting feeding established, you only really want visitors who you don't mind being there while you sit feeding a new baby in your pyjamas and who have bought tasty food which you can eat or freeze, other visitors can wait.
If you are in a tizz still, perhaps phone to tell her you are on your way to hospital but the one you planned to go to is full so you've been redirected to another one (make it an hour or so away?)

fattymcfatfat · 18/01/2015 19:04

Hospital will only have who you want in the room with you and afterwards they will firmly explain that you are not yet ready for visitors if that is how you feel as they usually check with you first. When I had my ds my mummy was with me and im so glad she was I dont think I would have coped without her as I was only 17. When I had dd oh was with me and will be again this time. I am having a similar situation with my friend. She wants to be a midwife and is adamant in being there for the birth...im on number 3 this time so feel a lot more comfortable with her being there but dad isnt and doesnt want her which I have to respect (if he is stressed hes no good to me!) but she keeps pushing even though we have told her no! Im just not going to tell her until after baby is born

comeagainforbigfudge · 18/01/2015 19:06

Whit?!! An injection? That's overkill to say the least! Think your plan of just ignoring texts is best plan.

Don't lie to her about the hospital when labour starts though. I imagine the fall out from that would be awful. Better to do as MadameJulienBaptiste suggests and let phone calls got to answer machine etc.

Did you say how far along you are? Both you and DH should start just now so MIL gets used to it. Good luck!

Lunastarfish · 18/01/2015 19:19

OP - my MIL is just a little nosey, doesn't understand boundaries and is granchild obsessed. She just needs a little managing.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 18/01/2015 19:20

You really need to start managing this or unfortunately you're likely to fall out once the baby is here, especially as she lives close. Wanting to hear about your appointments?! No.

You may feel it's like kicking a kitten now, but when you've got a 3 day old you're trying to learn to bf with, you've had no sleep and she is harassing, trying to get between you and the baby and you building your sleep/feed/bond relationship, you will want to take that kitten by the scruff of the neck and drown it without a second thought. And if she's generally nice and you get on, that will be a terrible outcome!

For HER sake too, sit her down with you and your DH - or get your DH to do it. Tell her that she is beginning to go too far and stressing you out before the baby is even here. Tell her that you feel so anxious about her doorstepping at the hospital that you've decided now in advance that there will be no visitors at the hospital at all, you're so worried about the stress and pressure impacting on your labour. (You can always relax this later, but put an end to it all by telling her she won't be told when you're in labour and if she comes to the hospital she won't be allowed in).

Remind her that your appointments are about YOU, your personal medical affairs - and ask her to stop asking about them.

Above all, remind her that when the baby comes, although she'll be seeing lots of you, you will want to be spending the majority of time alone, with baby, bonding and feeding and sleeping, and that in order to get bf going that the baby will need to be with you, and mainly you.

It may seem heavy handed, but it's far preferable to a screaming stand up row in the first couple of weeks. If she understands NOW that no, she won't be spending all day every day at your house cuddling the baby, that's a good thing - and you can tell her that too, that you KNOW it's going to be tough for the first few weeks and you know how enthusiastic she is and that it worries you that she will try and take over because you most of all don't want to have a falling out.

I find that these 'it's like kicking a kitten' people tend to be very good at the kicked kitten eyes to get their own way. Bottom line is that someone with good boundaries who cared about how you feel wouldn't be acting like this - her feelings, her wants are coming first here, and that's not a good sign!

SiameseDream · 18/01/2015 19:39

Thanks Brian a lot of food for thought. It's true, she has boundary issues. Part of me smells a rat. She is otherwise kind, loving and generous. But that does not mean she has no faults nor does it mean she allowed to do as she pleases. Sometimes I feel manipulated by the niceness. As in, oh she is so nice and harmless so that no one can possibly be horrible to her. I dont think it's consciously calculating, I think it's learned behaviour which has been successful for her.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply!

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themummyonthebus · 18/01/2015 19:45

Your comment about needing a full debrief about appointments has annoyed me on your behalf. My DH overshares lots of life details with my DPIL (who I do love dearly) who are worriers and get stressed out by everything. When I found out he was sharing details about my medical conditions during my first pg I went ballistic at DH. He now knows to only share his health issues Angry They were a bit over the top in terms of visiting after DC1s birth as well.

Second time round DH was instructed to tell them there would be no visitors to the hospital and if they wanted to visit at home they were welcome as long as they brought lunch with them. They are great gps but needed a bit of direction. Don't be afraid of putting your foot down, starting your expectations clearly and using subterfuge to get your way

All that said, they are your DH's DPs and your future children's DGP and the long term relationship is so much more than who got to see the dgc first. I think you're spot on about that. Good luck!

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