fed up with my partner :(

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Okay so my partner has been an utter tit lately. Am almost 21 weeks pregnant and only just feeling normal again after sickness pretty much till the past 2 weeks.
Basically I feel like he would rather be anywhere than be with me. He is disinterested in me and barely talks to me and when he does he is bad tempered and argumentative. I hate it. We aready have 3 children together eldest being 11 youngest being 2. Had enough of treading on egg shells .
yesterday he had the day off work, tjought we could spend time togethet fat chance he said he went the shop - 2 hrs passed so I messaged him said he was at his friends house, was a further hour before he came home.
Soon as he got back he was straight on his phone upstairs in bed watching tv whilst I was downstairs sorting kids out. Thats another yhing he is so secretive about his phone always on it wont let it out his sight. Am not yhe type to snoop but somethings not right.
He knows how I feel I have spoke about I time and time again. He also likes to drink. Alot. The sort of person who cant just have one drink has to get plastered :(
So tonight I arranged to go cinema witha friend low and behold he has arranged badminton withhis worker. This was at 530pm. Its now gone 10pm and not heard a thing. He has ignored my messages (whatts app so I know he has read them) and I dont know where he is or what he's doing.
One guess at the pub yes hes driving his work van and will be very drunk. He doesn't give a shit. Afterall its ony his licence and his business he will lose if he gets caught. We live in a rural area so can't get anywhere without a car. My fsmily and friends are 90 mile away. I have one friend around here and barely see her as she works full time. I feel cut off, lonely and horribly paranoid and now trapped :(

So sorry to hear this op. Do you still love him?

Yes, a great deal despite his behaviour :(
Just not sure what to do. Due to move house soon (renting) tempted to tell him I don't want him there. I would rather be single and know where I stand than to be treated like shit.

Oh i am so sorry you are going through this it must be so hard. :( I would ask him to lay all his cards on the table and just be honest. Does he want to be there cause he isn't acting like he does and you deserve the respect as the mother ofor his children to be straight with you!

So sorry have a big glass of wine!!!

Yes I think I will tomorrow.
He's still not back. Oh look its snowing outside and the front door is locked. Guess who doesn't have a key?!

So sorry to hear how you are feeling. I couldn't just read and run, because although for different reasons, I often feel like you do.

For me though, the drinking part would be the deal breaker - especially when driving afterwards.

My dad used to do exactly this when I was a child and the lasting effects are clear in mine and my mum's memory.

If you are sure, and you have the opportunity, then the house move may be the clean break that you all need.

Big hugs

God almighty he sounds utterly useless, as well as a fucking cunt for drink driving and a pathetic alkie who may well be cheating. What on earth do you get out of this relationship?

Reading some of this is like reading my own story ?? I am so sorry you are going through this and can really relate. I too feel like it is decision time, but it's easy to say I'll walk away but much more difficult in reality.

My partner has been awful to me since we found out (unplanned) it is our first and we have been together 5 years. He keeps saying he isn't ready, doesn't want this, is incredibly moody and closed off. Sulks. Drinks ALOT too and says no one understands how he feels. He blames me for how he feels, saying he should have dealt with 'us' a long time ago, yet says he was happy with me despite a few relationship ups and downs before the news I was pregnant. He shows no interest in the baby and refuses to get help from anyone.

We both have good jobs and are in a strong position financially, so why he continues to be so negative about the situation and towards me is confusing. He gets very angry and aggressive at times (never touched me though). I've had comic actions and there is always something else that is a priority, so mum has come to all my appointments or helped me out when I've needed it.

We used to live together but not at the moment. We have been house hunting, but I am reluctant to buy with him now. I rent a 1 bed and moving into mums at end of month. We have talked about renting until we find a house, but like you I wonder whether to walk away and get on with it myself. I am happier when he isn't around, he has treated me so badly (lots more to it) but I love him and want my baby to have a proper parenting unit!!

Why are men so utterly useless?!

That was meant to say complications, not comic actions?!

What do you actually love about him then? He sounds bloody awful!!
And Drink Driving, drunk!! My 13yr old sister was killed by a drunk driver, hit n run, she literally died in my arms and I witnessed the whole thing.

If you don't do something about this now, this will be your life forever. As for hiding his phone and being very secretive, I'd want to look through it. I caught my fella out talking and texting another female, he'd been doing it for mths, was an awful episode of my life, I'm a very paranoid person now but he got chucked out for it and I've decided now to give him another chance as we have a baby due soon.

Your partner needs a big kick up the backside, seriously you can't let him treat you this way.

We have been together 12 years and he does go through these periods of heavy drinking then wont do it for a few months and its all okay.
He came in at 8am and first thing he said was thanks for locking me out last night it was freezing. Well tough bloody shit. I was lying awake till gone 1am and had an absolute crap nights sleep and feel awful today plus got lots of work on :(
Don't know what time he tried to come home or where he slept. He's gone to work now.
Although the thought scares me, becoming a pregnant single mum with 3 children already, I am seriously considering moving into the rented house for now till yhe babies born (due end of may) then maybe relocating back up to my mums area where I have a network of friends.
Sick of this scenario over the years and your right it will be forever if I don't change it now.
I am self employed and my oen business is enough to cover my bills but would need yo seek additional help for rent costs etc.
:(

I'm sorry but his actions are not of someone who loves you back.
If I were in your position I would think the following:

1. he has an alcohol dependency problem
2. he is shagging someone else.

I would have it out with him, you cannot continue like this, it is not fair for you or your children and living with someone who drinks to that point then drives is ridiculous.

Something needs to change and you are the only one that can do it OP

Can you have a look at his phone when he is asleep?

I probably could but really don't want to . Scared of whatvi may find.
I few years back he was acting weird and I read his phone, hr had been texting some girl he met on a workd night out. I called this girl and she said nothing happened etc but that was only because she didn't take it further. So the potential to cheat is there.

I just dont kmow what to do :(

You need to leave him, the fact that you don't want to see what you might find says you think he is doing it too.

Move on, i've done it and I am so so happy now.
My new partner treats me like an absolute princess.

He has taken on my kids, and we are expecting our own baby too.

You CAN be happy I promise x

babyoven men are not like this. Only the terrible ones. Putting this kind of behaviour down to men being crap makes you more likely to put up with it. I think you should cut your losses with your pathetic man child of a partner.

op of course being a single parent of 4 is daunting. But it can't be any worse than what you are living now.

This doesn't sound like a healthy environment for you or your kids.
Sorry OP, he sounds like a useless twat.

My advice is start making plans to leave him. The potential for cheating is one thing, but the drinking and blatant disregard for you is quite another.

from what ive just read you are practically a single parent anyway and he is an extra child only worse. i would leave. it does sound like he's got something to hide on his phone and i suspect you know it wont be just texting this time which is why you cant bring yourself to look. if i were you i would be gone. me and oh have had our ups and downs and ive been through his phone in the past all ive ever found on his phone is some dodgey internet history and i went mad enough about that. i have had times where ive felt like you especially times when hes gone off to his dads with his bags packed and come back a few days later wanting to give it another go. last time i told him when he went out the door if you dont come back tonight dont bloody bother coz im at my limit. he was back a few hours later and hasnt done it since. he was moaning about me in front of me to his dad the other week only light heartedly (but my hormones wernt up for jokes) so i said if your not happy me and the kids will go home and i'll pack your bags your dad can pick them up later. i took far too long of his rubbish. Years of childish mind games. i put up with it because i love him but only so much anyone can take. you need to decide how much more you are willing to take. cheating (that includes txting other women) and violence to me or the kids are deal breakers for me. i would find out if he is cheating and go through that phone. if theres even so much as a txt on there that isnt just a friend id be gone and not look back

It is probably one of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make. For me the 'hope' he will change, or the wish that it will work itself out keeps me hanging on, going around in circles.

We both need a cut off point. To know when enough is enough. I do not suspect my partner of cheating, but I think that would be the final straw for me. He is out having 'fun' elsewhere whilst you carry and grow his unborn child as well as single handed raise his others. What exactly are we getting from our relationships? Emotional distress, heartache, paranoia and confusion.

Does he make you feel like it's your fault? Does he make you feel like you are the problem?

My partner does and I am sick of it, but strangely worry I am addicted to him. I continue to give him the chance to 'get it right' but he never does and doesn't even seem like he wants to try.

You need love, care and support. Go where you can get that. Sounds like moving back to your hometown is a good option. Do what you need to do for you and your children. It might be the wake up call he needs. If not, you can be sure it was the right thing to do.

I am moving in with my mum and whilst it isn't what I would have wanted, I know that il be looked after.

As for my partner and our future, I need to try following my own advice, but that is much harder to do because the emotions are involved!! And the hormones!

babyoven - sounds like you are in a very similar situation to myself.

I can totally relate to everything you say.

I know i am very hormonal at the moment and the slightest thing sets me off, the hormones seem to make me feel very insecure and paranoid (his behaviour of course adds to this) and its horrible. I don't want to make any rash decisions whilst am in this frame of mind but i know he has always been like this.

I work from home see and never really get out and see anybody as have been quite busy with orders. Where as my partners business is out-doorsey and he has a couple of people working for him plus a good network of friends partly because he is from the village where as i am not. People who live in this tiny village are older than me (in there late 40s - 60s), i am 33. I do own a couple of horses which do keep me busy (well did pre-pregnancy but now they are turned out in a big field so can't do much with them anyway as not riding ATM) which is how i have managed to cope for the past 7 years of living here - by having an interest, a hobby, thats how i have met my one good friend. Now am pregnant and stuck in the house most of the time i just feel cut off, especially seeing all my other friends from home on FB (where i grew up) on nights out, taking their kids out together or just popping round for a cuppa and a chat :(
I know its the hormones making me feel incredibly homesick - i think about relocating but then i think of how lovely it is as an area here and the school have been very good with my eldest and how settled he is, (he has ADHD & dyspraxia) then i think about back home and its very run down in comparison. When i visit my parents i am always glad to be back in the countryside but when am at home i miss my mum and friends :( Its so hard.
The good thing is my business is internet based so can take it anywhere with me, however if i stay with the OH his business is based here and he would have to commute to work everyday - its a 2hr journey which is too far.
So its either make the break and go seperate ways - which will mean me moving back up north or wait it out till i have had the baby?
Just put a holding fee on a house to rent in the area too, meant to be moving in a few weeks so need to make a decision pronto.

Have you told him what you are considering?

I keep telling my partner I can't take it anymore, but then I keep letting him carry on, and am pretty sure he never expects me to actually do what I say and walk away. I wish I had the strength to just do it and not look back.

It is a huge decision. If it were just you and him, it would be less complicated I am sure. Still hard, but when you have other lives to consider it only adds to the complexity.

I know I deserve a better support system, love, care and an interest in mine and my baby's wellbeing. I know that this isn't okay or acceptable. I know that the initial pain of separating will be unbearable and I know that the first few months after the baby arrives will be hard. But I also know that carrying on as I am is unbearable and holding out for change after baby arrives is a risk. Will I feel even more trapped then? Will I feel like I need him even more?

I wish I knew what to do for the very best. I'm just scared as I am sure you are. I never in a million years expected to be in this situation and I feel embarrassed. I haven't really confided in anyone about this except my mum. To everyone else I pretend to be happy. No one knows what is going on behind the smile and brave face I put on everyday.

I wish so had the answer for both of us. Either way it feels like I lose. It's exhausting isn't it.

you sound so miserable, poor thing. Not only because of a dick of a husband, but also because you're so isolated and bored.
Do you think it will get better once you also have a newborn and sleepless nights to deal with? If not, I would just move.

Wow why does life have to be so hard. The way I see it it comes down to choice. He knows that you are at home with the kids, he knows acting like this upsets you. He knows drinking and driving is wrong and he knows that it could lose him his licence or business. He knows all this and yet he chooses to do it. He is thinking about himself. How he feels, maybe the drinking is an escape or helps him not to feel guilty about not being a better person or treating your family this way. Maybe it masks a bigger problem going on with him, but if he wont choose to talk to you, you cant do anything to work to fix it. That is all him, his stuff his choice. Not yours.
You cannot control him, or his stuff. But you can control you and what your life is like. You can choose to stick it out and be unsure but with a guy you love but who does not treat you like he loves you. You can choose to leave and at least have a stable environment at home for the children and you. Maybe it doesn't have to be one choice or the other, maybe you could try to find something you can afford alone near the area? It isn't easy to break up your family it is a massive choice. But if there is no benefit to being with him for you and the kids is it worth the heartache?

babyoven - yes but like your partner i don't think he thinks i am being serious as i have said it alot in the past and its never happened.
I told him again this morning when he came back from work briefly. He told me he slept in his van all night and he almost froze to death (we had snow last night) but told him if he cant be arsed coming home and ignores my messages i won't be leaving the door unlocked for him.
He hasnt apologized but agreed it wasn't on. Thing is though i don't even trust him to go the bloody shop anymore - incase it turns to him doing a disappearing act either at his friends house drinking or down the pub.

He works hard i will give him that and rarely takes time off and he's a good dad believe it or not and he does do things such as cooking.

Last week i had my scan, we had a good morning together until about 2pm when he said he was popping in to speak to our landlord about moving out (who happens to run the local villiage pub) said he would be half hour, instantly the panic set in me - he never came home till just before 530 then i had to pick up our 2yr old from nursery, he was in bed playing on his phone when i returned again whilst i was downstairs. He wanted to go back the pub too but i put my foot down.
Same as Sunday afternoon - work was called off for afternoon due to weather, so he spent it at his mates house drinking till 8pm :(
Then obviously what happened last night too was just the final straw.
It seems he never wants to spend time with me and avoids my company.
He told me this morning that of course he wants to be with me and loves me etc and swears blindly he's not up to no good.
I just don't know if its my paranoia and hormones over-thinking the whols situation. Am stuck in that bloody much i have far too much thinking time.
I feel like am going mad :(

My god! The similarities!! My partner drinks all the time, disappears to the pub and even did it the night of my birthday - I was at home ready to be taken out by him but he didn't come back. I found him ASLEEP in the pub and lost it!!

Like jomogo says, they are choosing to be like this and we are I fact choosing to let them continue. What incentive do they have to stop?!

I do my own head in overthinking it all. I can see you do too. I often wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in a few months and for it all to have miraculously worked itself out.

I think the few good things they do give us that glimmer of hope. That nugget of gold that we so desperately want. It's just not enough though is it.

My partner works hard too (and boy do I hear about it all the time). He isn't a bum. But his work is always his priority. I had to go go hospital the other day because I was having awful pains, they said I shouldn't come one and to bring my partner, but he said he couldn't get away from work, even though he is self employed. When I told him I was disappointed and hurt, he said if there was a problem I would be there - but there was a problem?! I didn't know what was wrong and neither did the midwife, so how on earth could he be sure it wasn't a problem!!! He then had a go at me that evening for even bringing it up - I should have just accepted it. He makes me feel like I'm dramatic and over emotional. He even had the cheek to suggest I had constructed the whole thing to lead him into an argument!!!! 5 hours in the hospital!!! I mean, really!!

At the end of the day, something has to change for both of us. We can't continue like this forever, it's unfair, unhealthy and actually our children deserve more, even if we aren't sure that we do.

You sound like you're going through such an awful time. It makes me sad because you seem to know what you should do, he doesn't sound like a very good guy but by staying you're essentially condoning his behaviour. You don't deserve to be treated like this, no one does. I can only imagine how much more isolated you are going to feel once you have a newborn. You also obviously a capable woman who started her own business and has raised a family so there is no doubt that you could make a new start much easier than a lot of people. If I were you I would pluck up the courage to look at his phone, see if your worries are founded in truth and make a new start for you and your kids. He is treating you thoughtlessly and incredibly disrespectfully so at this point what will it take for you to leave? For him to have an affair? Hit you? Crash his van whilst drunk? You mention how your village is a good place to raise your kids but I can imagine a much better place for you to raise you kids would be anywhere with a good support system, a mum who isn't paranoid and isolated and away from an alcohol dependent ,unreliable and selfish father who risks his own life and the lives of others by drink driving. Do you think staying with him is setting a good example for your children? If your children were in the same position what would your advice be? Good luck, have courage and know that you deserve so much better than he is offering.