Rant...women who love to tell you all about their birth horror stories :(

[Cherryblossom200]

Hello everyone,

Thought I would have a little Sunday evening rant something has been bothering me recently! I'm nearly 33 weeks pregnant with my first child and obviously starting to become anxious about the birth. I know it will be painful, but friends/women I've met in antenatal just LOVE to tell me about their birth horror stories. I'm now expecting hell on earth, I haven't come across one woman who has had a normal birth

I almost feel that some of the women get some kind of 'weird' enjoyment from telling their stories! I think they tend to forget that they are scaring the living daylights out of me!

Anyway rant over! Hope you all have a lovely Sunday evening xx

Cherryblossom200

Can I just urge you to get a TENS machine? Those things are like bloody magic, I promise you!

Oh look, positive birth stories on MN and there are also dedicated websites

Here's one

Thanks Pacific I will take a look at the book!

Minty, I've heard from quite a few people that tens machines are useless and just there more to distract you? I might consider it though.

You 'll be fine, don't worry. Every labour is so different/personal to that woman so comparing is just pointless.

Fwiw after I gave birth (had emcs) I was obsessed about talking about it with my other new mum friends. Not the still pregnant ones though!

It's such a visceral experience I found it really helped to share with people.

Two of my nct friends had perfect home births btw (first babies too). No interventions, one in a pool and one not. So it can happen!

I adored all three of my labours. The only three occasions in my whole life when my body seemed to know exactly what it was doing and I let it do what it needed to do. (I was always the awkward kid at school who can't catch and was picked last for every team.)

There's a fabulous book called "Stand And Deliver" which only has positive birth stories, even when they didn't go exactly as planned.

Oh I used to hate this OP it used to really make me cross when I was pregnant and everyone wanted to tell me how awful it was going to be, even my friend who hasn't even had a baby started telling me birth horror stories!! Ridiculous. I consequently decided that I just would not share any of the details of my birth story apart from with people who are done having babies ie my mum!!! And she is the only one I really wanted to talk to about it anyway!

But do you know what? My birth story isn't even horrible, it was FINE, I was fine, I managed and baby arrived fine and she's just wonderful and nearly a year later I want another one so it can't be that bad !

TENS machine - get it on as soon as your contractions start to become painful (even mildly painful) and crank up the "volume" as they intensify. I was able to sit up and happily play cards in the first 7 hours of my first labour thanks to TENS. Got to 4cm dilated as well.

Why not search out what people say about TENS on here? For some it won't have done much, for others it was a proper God-send.

It doesn't bother me, particularly. Until something goes wrong I assume it won't.

I don't see why it is 'unsisterly' to tell other women about something that happens to you and give them the heads up that birth is not always the straightforward affair you hope for.

I agree that people shouldn't share horror stories with pregnant women who are expecting their first baby. Once you've done it, you kind of know what it's all about and the stories aren't as scary because you've gone through the experience and come out the other side. Gloves off especially at post-natal groups - I actually think that there it can be a very positive experience to hear other people's birth stories and help to come to terms with your own labour.

But anyway, just ignore them, OP. Every woman is different, every baby is different, every labour is different. You could hear all the birth stories in the world and still not find one that is the same as yours is going to be. Be informed about your choices, have an articulate and assertive birth partner who understands you and understands as much about what could happen as possible, and spend the next few weeks looking forward to meeting your baby.

Ignore, OP. Birth is one of those things no one can really tell you about because births vary so wildly, and people experience them so differently. My SILs did a lot of cackling about how I wouldn't have a shred of dignity left, and my closest friend, with the best intentions, talked about how the pain was entirely manageable without drugs, and the thing was to avoid any intervention, where you ended up feeling out of control - neither remotely matched my non-progressive labour and subsequent (perfectly pleasant and dignified) experience of an ELCS.

Don't get frightened, don't waste huge amounts of time thinking about it, and don't hold yourself to arbitrary standards of some idealised birth experience.

Alis( sorry your name is too difficult to spell in full so hope you don't mind me shortening it) I think the majority of pregnant women do know that things can go wrong! There are so many programmes on birth now on the tv and the internet. So I can't help but feel the horror stories are mainly some kind of strange therapy for the woman rather who went through the birth. I would absolutely not tell someone at my stage of pregnancy about their personal hell and how it all went wrong. It's completely insensitive, and like I said the majority of pregnant women have a good understanding of things that can go wrong already. No need to ram it down out throats so close to our own births.

I wish that I had a more realistic expectation of labour and that people had told me their stories! I felt that I had done things "wrong" for not being able to do it the Ina May Gaskin way and I was traumatised for a long time afterwards and felt very lied to.

It's so thoughtless of people trying to scare you. If it helps, before I had DD, lots of people told me that their 'worst scenario' was a c-section, and I should avoid one at all costs- and as it turned out, mine was wonderful. Calm, informed, an utterly magical experience. While this isn't the case for everyone, it CAN be, and I found that ignoring the naysayers helped me make it the experience it was. It's different for everyone, but I think a positive attitude (which it sounds like you have!) can't be a bad thing!

While on the whole I think YANBU, it's worth noting that a lot of woman do nct classes that can often give the impression that the norm for birth is straight forward and as long as you do things right, you'll get an easy one.

Unfortunately, from my mum friends it seems the "straight forward, no intervention" ones are more of a minority.

When pregnant I thought I was being told unusual horror stories, afterwards (spending time with a lot of women who have birth around when I did), I realised these weren't unusual horrors, just how it is for a large percentage of woman.

Mine is a horror story, but not the actual birth, (other than the last bit with forceps, but that was as straight forward as forceps birth can be and I healed up fine) I had some complications afterwards made worse by hospital staff fucking up something - but that really was unusual.

Giving birth is really rather a hideous experience, but it's just a really crap day with the best reward ever at the end of it. the really hurty bit is only a few hours, perfectly survivable.

(For dc2 I had a c section, ignore the horror and fear around that, is actually perfectly fine and pain is managed for you).

I feel as equipped as I can be at this stage for my birth. Like I've said I've watched the programmes, read the the odd book etc and my view is generally pretty relaxed about things and I like to go with the flow. It's been my attitude with the whole pregnancy. I've not attended any classes though will go in January to the hospital ones, I've not had the time due to moving to a new area so only just getting settled. A lot of my friends seem horrified at my chilled approach, but so far my pregnancy has been text book. No sickness, few aches and pains but generally nothing bad at all. So I'm sticking with my go with the flow attitude! And deal with any issues should they come up. My friends looked at my like I had three heads that I was drinking a cup of tea. But I enjoy my tea and a biscuit and so does my bump! So I'm sticking with it! It's my only little treat

I try to make a point of not telling my horror story to first time to be mums. If asked I generally say it wasn't an easy birth.

I'll happily talk to anyone about it, especially other mums but I do find this whole 'scare them witless' thing unhelpful. People did the same to me.

Of it helps my birth was a bit complicated bit lots of my Friends had 'normal' go into labour, have your gas and air and a bit more maybe, push for a bit and out comes baby kind of birth. One even had that (without the pain relief) at home in her bathroom as a big surprise and she knew she wouldn't get to the hospital in all the school traffic!

No sickness? I'm jealous

Not at all Cherry.

I know pregnant women are aware, I am one.

When women tell me horror stories I just think "well that was your experience".

Oddly I am usually very much a worrier but have gone into serious pragmatist mode since finding out I'm pregnant.

Disney, I have been very lucky not
to suffer with any sickness, my poor sister had hypermesis ( is that how it's spelt!?) the sickness illness. So I know I've been extremely lucky and generally don't say how easy I've had to to my other pregnant friends because I know how miserable it can be for them, especially when commuting on the tube. I really do feel for women who suffer badly.

I kind of feel bad stopping them as I can see it sort of helps them telling their stories. So I just sort of sit there nodding my head whilst trying to block out the awfulness of their stories

I loved DS2's birth. I wish I could relive it and I'd do it again tomorrow. It can be brilliant.

Hmmm this is tricky!

I felt exactly the same as you before birth of DD1, I was told several 'horror stories' predominantly around bad hospital care more than anything. I chose to block them out as I was doing hypnobirthing and I also read that Ina May gaskin book (was planning home birth) and I would say I was as positive as possible about birth for a first timer.

Sadly the home birth was not to be, the birth was complicated as baby was back to back and this wasn't picked up on until a very very long time down the road when I was transferred to hospital. It wasn't a horror story, it was what it was, I'm doing it again soon in fact BUT I do now tell my first timer friends not to block out everything, I do tell them if they feel pain in a certain place to perhaps consider the position of the baby because I didn't know what to look out for. I 100% trusted my home birth midwife would know exactly what to do and advise me at all points but that didn't happen and so in retrospect I perhaps wish I had known a little more about what can go wrong because I actually felt very out of control and pretty shell shocked by the whole thing.

Biggest learning is every birth is different, some are simple and some aren't, some are more painful than others and ultimately if you feel prepared yourself for whatever happens you'll be fine. Their stories are not yours, they are just trying to get them off their chest because perhaps they hadn't been prepared for what they went through.

I personally am always considerate when I tell my 'story' only telling when asked and basically saying I will be doing it again so it can't be that bad!!

I'm quite careful about who I tell my story to. Generally I leave it at "it wasn't great, it took a lot longer than expected but neither I nor baby was in danger at any time, oh & the drugs are amazing!" But I will tell people who ask, mainly because there's stuff that I wished I'd known and advice re breastfeeding that could've been very valuable in preventing re-admission to hospital.