OK - so do I look like a creepy weirdo?

[CheeseBadger]

Went to Frau Badger's booking appointment this morning. OK - it's probably a bit odd for a bloke to come to this one, but when I asked if she wanted me to she just said "The book says you should come to as many as you can". Which seemed reasonable.

Fast forward to this morning and towards the end of the appointment, the midwife removed Frau Badger from the room and asked if there was any history of domestic violence.

So is this standard practice, or do I really come across as a drooling psycopath?

DH was at my booking appointment as he was at home looking after me (hyperemesis). The midwife casually asked "any domestic violence?" while filling in my notes. There isn't, but had there been I don't think that was the appropriate way to ask. If I was scared of my abusive partner I would hardly tell someone with him sat next to me .
DH thought it was strange that she asked like that. But then he got annoyed when she asked if he was the father.

I'm a MW and can't believe how many people have been asked about DV in their partner's presence! This is not what we are taught. We can only ask women who attend alone or with a very young child who won't understand. It's completely standard practice to ask women about DV as it's a more common problem in pregnancy than gestational diabetes or preeclampsia so really important to be screened for so that the (unfortunately many) women who are affected have a greater chance if getting help. I know it can feel like you're being personally targeted, but you're not. If we're not comfortable asking about it, we can't expect our ladies to be comfortable talking to us about it.

See, my MW said "as your DH isn't here, we need to ask you..." Which made if sound like him failing to turn up to the appt was why they had asked.

I knew it wasn't, but I did think someone could get the wrong idea from that phrasing.

I also think people joke about things when they feel uncomfortable a bit. I totally totally get why this question must be asked but there a little defensive bit of my brain that comes into play. I have to admit to a thoroughly inappropriate urge to say "nah, I've stopped thumping him recently"

I was asked by my HV when dd was born. She looked very put out that DH was there but he made himself scarce anyway.

Your attitude sounds much like mine, op, rightly or wrongly! Of course we need to be sensitive but you cannot live your life holding your breath.

Congratulations and best of luck

I was asked about a million times in my last pregnancy. It's very much a "tick list" question. Once you have the baby another tick list starts - dangerous dogs, sleeping in cots and not making baby wear a hat indoors were the questions I was asked a number of times...

Standard question - I was asked (away from DH) at my first MW appt.

My favourite was the HV coming round to see me, about five hours after I'd had an EMCS asking me what I'd be doing for contraception. I gesticulated at the newly-evicted babe in the cot next to me, and said "If that doesn't work, a punch in the face ought to." Miserable cow didn't crack a smile.
I was right though

DV as it's a more common problem in pregnancy than gestational diabetes or preeclampsia - I'm actually quite horrified by that, I knew they said it was fairly common but that common is just, well unbelievably shocking.

Until I started doing this job, I genuinely had no idea of how many women are affected by DV, it's truly shocking. I think for all of us with kind, supportive partners, we can't really imagine the situations some people are in but some people have truly terrible lives. Which is why we won't give out any info over the phone and why we're really strict about buzzing people into the wards - people think we're being arsey but we just want to protect the women and their babies on our wards, security would be called regularly to remove some violent partner who is trying to kick his way through the doors or is waiting in the reception for the woman to leave with the child. Even having experienced these things, I still feel a bit defensive when my midwife asks me about my partner so it's a natural response.

It's so standard that it's on the pregnancy booking form! Page 4: 'Domestic violence': Yes/No

I can understand it might make you feel a bit odd as a non-abusive man when your wife's asked that ('Do I look like a wife-beater?') But it is a good thing.

The registrar at the council asks you similar things before you get married, to check the marriage isn't coerced, arranged or fraudulent. That's also weird, particularly if you're not quite sure what your husband's job title technically is.

Have been asked at every appointment with the MW, and when I had the bloods at my 12 wk scan. Wasn't asked at the 20 wk scan even though DH had to go and get the tokens for the pics, but the sonographer was a lady I know so I suspect that she knows we have a good relationship. DH did come to my booking appointment but the MW asked when we'd gone to a separate room for the blood tests.