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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

OK - so do I look like a creepy weirdo?

61 replies

CheeseBadger · 22/10/2014 16:50

Went to Frau Badger's booking appointment this morning. OK - it's probably a bit odd for a bloke to come to this one, but when I asked if she wanted me to she just said "The book says you should come to as many as you can". Which seemed reasonable.

Fast forward to this morning and towards the end of the appointment, the midwife removed Frau Badger from the room and asked if there was any history of domestic violence.

So is this standard practice, or do I really come across as a drooling psycopath?

OP posts:

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TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/10/2014 19:13

I think In my area practice is to ask twice in the absence of the partner during pregnancy. I was also asked at my post natal check up.

Didactylos · 22/10/2014 19:23

dont take it personally, its not about you

Its standard practice to ask at the booking appointment and most places also offer other information eg the bathrooms in the clinic may have posters, womens aid numbers information about clinic services: pregnancy is often a time for start or escalation of domestic violence situations, or a time when a woman experiencing such problems may be motivated and able to leave the situation if given appropriate help.
look up CMACE (www.centreformidwiferyeducation.ie/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/CMACE-2011-Saving-Mothers-Lives-Reviewing-maternal-deaths-to-make-motherhood-safer-2006-2008.pdf) and you will see why it is highlighted as an issue

Its great that you went to the appointment and good luck to both of you with the rest of the pregnancy

divingoffthebalcony · 22/10/2014 19:27

Absolutely standard.

I had my booking appointment last week and was asked.

Original poster

CheeseBadger · 22/10/2014 19:31

LouMum14 - I don't know what a "special snowflake potential abuser" is, but no, I don't. What you read was a description of the wife's reaction. You see, some people find the absurd or improbable funny. She's one of those people.

VenusRising - What you've done there (apart from the shockingly condescending tone) is made at least one assumption that wasn't quite right. While we both have what most people consider an "evil" sense of humour, I'm not sure laughing about this subject would be appropriate in front of anyone else.

Thanks LemonDrizzleTwunt.

FTR, I think it's a very good thing that this question seems to be routine in most places, an the blue stickers are inspired. Just wasn't sure if it was routine. And lesson learned about sensitivity to some people's imaginary buttons.

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 22/10/2014 20:00

Don't blame others for not sharing your sense of humour. There possibly was an abused woman in that waiting room today who didn't find the question hilarious in the least. And there may be several reading this thread.

DanyStormborn · 22/10/2014 20:12

My husband came to my booking appointment so my midwife waited until I saw her alone at my 16 week appointment to ask about domestic violence. It is a serious question they ask all pregnant women as do rustic violence is surprisingly common and usually gets worse during pregnancy.

Original poster

CheeseBadger · 22/10/2014 20:13

I don't. I blame them for making crass assumptions about my wife's and my behaviour. Why do people want to assume there was some merry jape going on in a waiting room? There were no medical staff, no other patients, and no other people present when this conversation happened.

I also blame people for reading about something my wife said and calling it my sense of humour. We share most things, but not a brain or vocal chords.

I suggest taking your outrage somewhere else. I asked a question, and some reasonable people answered it. Job done.

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 22/10/2014 20:22

Why do people want to assume there was some merry jape going on in a waiting room?

Your tone is jarring - the levity and lack of understanding of what happens to pregnant women don't suggest that you're totally on board with the seriousness of the question - how are we to guess that you're a paragon of appropriateness in real life? You forget you're speaking to pregnant women, for some, this is not a joke.

BackToTheFuschia · 22/10/2014 20:25

yep it was asked at mine. the mw took me out to a separate room to weigh me and asked in there... very clever I thought. love the idea of the stickers too, just brilliant.

Original poster

CheeseBadger · 22/10/2014 20:26

I didn't ask you to guess whether I'm a paragon of appropriateness. You took that job on yourself. And made a hash of it.

I think you're reading things that are not there, so I'm off now.

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 22/10/2014 20:30

It's standard. Here in the US we're asked at our yearly gyno appointments as well.

Taura · 22/10/2014 20:55

I wasn't asked until my 32-week MW appointment last week. DP had been with me to the first couple of appointments but not to the last couple (working). I'm glad that she did - not because there is anything at all that I would have needed to tell her, but because it's good that she wasn't making assumptions about our relationship based on what she had seen of us at previous visits (nice white middle class couple in their 40s, clearly happy and comfortable together). I did joke to her "no abuse apart from the tickling" and that was that.

CheeseBadger I think your and your wife's responses both seem normal and within what's expected, especially in a private consultation.

Original poster

CheeseBadger · 22/10/2014 21:04

I actually did a LOL at apart from the tickling.

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RetroHippy · 22/10/2014 21:07

DH was at my booking in appt, I don't think it's unusual at all. In fact, he took the day off work to be there. I have my 28 week check next week when we are both off and I'm going to suggest he comes to that too.

I wasn't asked about DV at that appt, but was asked at my 25 week check. I too was a little flippant in my reply - something along the lines of 'not unless moaning about stealing pillows counts,' I believe.

It possibly is inappropriate, but there was no one else there, and I am thankfully very lucky to have not been affected by DV.

I do think it's a bit odd to ask in front of partners as some posters seem to have experienced. Slightly defeats the object of asking in the first place and doesn't offer anything in the way of support.

HerrenaHarridan · 22/10/2014 21:26

I wasn't asked at any of my appts and dv did start while pregnant.

I've still never worked it out tbh, 5 years together and a bit controlling/jealous but generally loving and happy. Pregnancy changed everything. :(

Original poster

CheeseBadger · 22/10/2014 21:46

That's awful Herrena. Did you find some help?

OP posts:

BonaDea · 22/10/2014 21:49

My DH came to my booking appt and when he went to put more money in the meter as it started so late the mw asked me about Dv. Totally standard.

HerrenaHarridan · 22/10/2014 21:51

We got out cheese badger. Took another 10 months but we did.

I often wonder if there is sine biological explanation for the huge rise in dv when a wine becomes pregnant, they say that it's because they've got you trapped but we were together for a bloody long time.

Unlike some of the pps I think you and your so have a healthy attitude, laugh about everything... Even the serious stuff :)

For the record it's probably for the best age didn't make that joke to the midwife though, I don't think she would have seen the funny side.

Congratulations btw :)

PacificDogwood · 22/10/2014 21:52

Pregnancy is a well recognised trigger for DV to start and/or escalate.

Asking women on their own about has become standard practice in the last, hm, not sure, 5 years or so?

I remember being really taken aback when asked about it when expecting DS4 (had not been asked before) and then realising how absolutely appropriate and vital the question was.

MrBadger, FWIW I 'get' your SoH, I do, but you do have to remember that the subject of DV is just not a laughing matter for those who have been affected by it. And there are many, sadly.

HerrenaHarridan · 22/10/2014 21:52

Wine becomes pregnant! Excellent typo if I do say so myself

JoyceDivision · 22/10/2014 21:53

I don't get why anyone is laying into the op... the op states it was his wife who suggested, between themselves, making up something, so why not start laying into his wife for trivialising this... or is it un mumsnet to do this and its easier to have a go at the bloke?

Serenitysutton · 22/10/2014 21:53

I was very shocked to read that murder by their partner is the most common cause of death in pregnant women

Original poster

CheeseBadger · 22/10/2014 22:01

Great that you got out Herrena. Terrible that it happened, but great that you're now OK.

So I should apologise for the tone maybe. Yes - we both have very bleak senses of humour, but it was probably insensitive to air her joke on here. In my defense, this pregnancy has been a lot of years coming, and we're both determined to enjoy every second of it. We do that by laughing together, among other things.

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 22/10/2014 22:04

Congratulations to you both - hope you can continue to enjoy a happy and healthy pregnancy.

When you are in a happy relationship it is easy to forgot that that is not the norm for all too many people. I would be even more very naive if it were not for my job which brings me in to regular contact with the horror that is DV.

nousernamesleft · 22/10/2014 22:06

I was asked multiple times in my last pregnancy (probably not helped by me turning up to an appointment sporting a black eye, I'm not sure the midwife believed that my son headbutted me when I tickled him).
I wish I'd been asked in my previous pregnancies, it may have given me the confidence to tell someone.

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