HELP! 44 years old and unwanted pregnancy?

[loulou1970]

I am desperate for someone to talk to. There is no online chat help etc for termination intent women. I am a mum of four, older children, and find I am 6 to 7 weeks pregnant. Totally not wanted, total mistake, totally frightened of the planned termination. I visited my gp last week and basically have to wait at least another two weeks before surgical procedure takes place. It's killing me, the fetus is developing and I don't want to have to wait while it grows inside me, I want to end it all now. I didn't even know that intercourse had taken place, I was totally unaware until I missed my period and my husband blurted out how the time he woke me up rolling around on top of me, he had penetrated me. It's makes me feel sick to the core. I can't have another baby, but termination scares me to death. Please anyone help!

Hi loulou. I don't have anything really helpful to say beyond that there are threads where ladies post about making difficult pregnancy decisions. Confusingly it's under "body and soul" and then "pregnancy choices". You might get more responses there. Hope you can get some helpful advice and support.

I'd personally go through bpas or similar and get an appointment ASAP don't wait another 2 weeks.

Huge sympathy for you going through this. The bureaucracy involved in this choice is infuriating but you will get through it.

I hope your husband has been told firmly that intercourse without active, conscious consent is rape, and is a crime even within marriage. You would be perfectly entitled and reasonable to leave the bastard and prosecute him (but also could consider forgiving him if he understands the enormity of what he's done and is properly penitent.

Two weeks seems a ridiculously long wait especially as it will mean you are past the point where you can medically end the pregnancy and instead have to undergo a surgical procedure putting you at risk. Is there anywhere else you can go for advice - the local family planning clinic (usually attached to hospitals) or Marie Stopes or Brooke? These organisations may also have counceling available to address your fears.

You don't have to go through your Gp if you use one of the advisory centres mentioned here....they will also probably offer a choice of action.

I know you have the unwanted pregnancy to deal with right now. But you need to address your husband having sex with you while you were sleeping - that is not okay. It is his fault you are going through this difficult situation now :(

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position and especially sorry given the circumstances. I feel very angry on your behalf.

Two weeks is a long time for you to wait given the way you're feeling emotionally and the fact that you may be unable to have a medical termination.

However, i chose a medical termination and ended up having surgery in the end anyway because not everything came away. I actually wished i'd gone with the surgical from the start. It was over very quickly and I had very little bleeding afterwards. A medical termination doesn't involve anesthetic but it does involve a fair bit of bleeding and can be painful (although it wasn't in my case). I personally found it a difficult process to go through.

It may well be worth you contacting BPAS as others have suggested. You may not need yo wait as long.

I too hope your husband realises the seriousness of this situation. As others have said, having sex with someone who is unaware is rape. It's the only word for it.

If you report this thread you can ask for it to be moved to Pregnancy Choices. There are many women over there who have been through terminations and may at least be able to help you with that.

Is there no other gp you can go to? I had an unplanned pregnancy last year, went to my gp who filled out some forms for marie stopes. I think I had to phone marie stopes and they phoned back to arrange an appointment and talk me through the best procedure for myself. I think it took about a week from gp visit to procedure. I was about 5/6 weeks and had a surgical abortion under sedation. Could have had a medical abortion but I know a few people who have had a rough time after it.

As for your DH, maybe he thought you was awake enough? Everyone is slating him but my DP once grabbed me in the night and pulled me on top of him, it woke me up properly and it seemed like he was up for sex but within about 30 seconds he pushed me off, rolled over and started snoring. He had no idea what had happened until I told him the next morning. I thought he was awake and if he hadn't pushed me off then something could have happened.

Have you thought about talking to BPAS?

I'm so sorry OP but regardless of being marriage, sex without consent is rape.

*married

I called Marie Stopes and Brook Advisory initially hoping to get a quicker more efficient service, but again they have no appointments until 29th October! So frustrating as I seriously believed that if I coughed up the £900 fee I'd be seen to asap! The appt. I have on Monday 20th is only for a 3hr consultation, the procedure will be offered (or they say they aim to offer it) within 7 days after that! So frustrating, as I actually feel pregnant now with all the symptons associated with early pregnancy and I am desperately trying to keep it from my family. Only my stupid husband knows. He suffered from premature ejaculation, so he tells me, and is obviously sorry, but really doesn't help me right now. Both NHS and Private services are quite a long wait, as they tell me the service is extremely busy at this time!!! My worry now is that at this rate it will go into the half term break when my youngest two will be at home (5 and 14 years) and I've no idea how I can keep it from them! They'll lose all respect for me if they ever find out. I hate having to deal with this in secret, my husband can offer practical support, but emotionally he's useless!

And what does he have to say about the fact that he had sex with you without you being aware?

I'm sorry nobody can see you sooner :( I was assuming that the medical route was much better but it seems that people up thread seem to think the surgical route was quicker and less painful so maybe it will be okay being that late. Can you just tell your kids that you have a doctors appointment, or a minor hospital procedure? You don't have to have them find out. I don't know your kids but if I'd found out that my mum had aborted an unwanted pregnancy when I was 14 I would not have lost respect for her, and I'm sure the 5 year old won't understand.

Your children will not lose all respect for you. Do not be ashamed of this. By all means do keep it secret from them but only because it's private and not appropriate to share with them at their current ages, not because there is anything to be ashamed of.

I suggest you look into booking the children into a holiday playscheme activity programme for half term. You may not feel up to full-time childcare.

I have four children already, my 21 year old is off college for the half term week and will also be at home, and my 24 year old has time of work that week also, it's becoming really stressful for me just working out how to keep it all one big secret. I don't usually keep anything from them. Not sure it was sex without consent, more sex without my knowledge. Yes, I have a lot of anger bottled up inside, and I guess I will deal with that after the abortion. But right now I need my husband's support, and if I go accusing him of rape I'm unlikely to get that support. I can't get through this alone.

OP I am so very sorry this has happened to you. I would be beside myself too if it were me. Perhaps you could just tell your children that you have to go for a minor gynaecological thing - eg a hysteroscopy where they stick a camera up there and have a look around. Maybe because your periods have been bad if you need to explain more to them. It's not the truth, but it's not that far off. I hope you don't have to wait too long for the termination.

I think I would tell the older 2 that you have to go into hospital to sort out a gynecological problem. Perhaps say it's an ovarian cyst or something but that it needs removing asap. You can tell them it's an outpatient appointment, but that you will feel poorly for a few days after and will need their help with the little ones, and that you don't want the little ones to know the details only that mummy is a bit poorly and will be better soon.

Don't see it as keeping anything from them; just that its something personal that you don't need to tell them.

If the stress of keeping it secret is so bad you could tell them you've got a gynaecological issue as mentioned by a pp or you could even tell them you need to have medical management for a miscarriage. It's a lie but physically that's what you'll be going through. It would also provide a reason for your emotions.

I know lying doesn't sit comfortably but we don't have yo share everything with our families.

I'm just sorry you've got such a wait. I had a similar wait but i was earlier on than you are now.

Keep talking to us here. One thing i learnt is that talking to virtual friends really is a help.

Hi,
Waiting a few more days to have a surgical termination can be totally worth it. It is much quicker and in many ways in my opinion (sadly experienced) easier. It is also pretty much always successful whereas sometimes the medical version may not work, and you would have to undergo the surgical procedure anyway. I found having to wait gave me time, and while that time and space to think wasn't always pleasant it something that I am now glad I had.

As for your children they will not suspect unless you tell them. You can always say you have had a fibroid removed and it has been very painful and that's the most they will contemplate. Children are mainly focused on themselves and even if they aren't won't suspect your pregnant at 44.

Thinking of you x

Thanks ladies, your responses to my post have really helped me get through this. I went in on Monday (20th Oct.) for the consultation, and fortunately was offered an appointment for the surgical procedure that afternoon. Scan revealed I was 8 wks, 3 days. At that point I became quite emotional, and broke down in front of the doctor. I think it was my fragile state that helped with me being offered the procedure so soon. I was petrified I may have to wait another week at least, which not sure I could have ever kept secret while my children were off school. Anyway, it's over and done with now. The staff at the hospital were really considerate, not at all judgemental, and made it less of a daunting/frightening experience for me. I told the kids that a cyst had been detected at my doctors appointment and they had to remove it immediately, which explained my whole day out of the house. Well it's now two days since the procedure, and I seem to be getting by ok. Fortunately I haven't experienced any of the after pains, cramps or bleeding that I was advised about. Not sure if I've still got them to come, but I feel perfectly fine physically. One thing that totally threw/shocked me/took me by surprise was my husband's reaction to the whole thing after the procedure. He broke down in front of me, blaming himself for not having done enough to persuade me not to go through with the termination. Not sure he's handling it at all well. Picking our five year old up from school, as he said, was difficult for him, as it made him think of the 'baby'. Whereas I have always blocked that thought out of my head. I can't possibly think of it as a baby otherwise I would not be able to go on. We are struggling to get by, financially with the four with have, so it never occurred to me that he had thought of having a fifth child. I've suggested he see the welfare officer at his place of work, as really think he would benefit from talking it over with someone other than me. I certainly have no regrets, I know I chose the sensible option, and the decision was the right one for all the family. I have a counsellor from the hospital due to telephone me in two weeks to see how I'm feeling. Not sure how I'll be feeling then, right now I feel fine. It just happened so quickly in the end.

Well done loulou. So good that the health services have been able to help you, and quickly enough. Of course it is all hugely emotional. I only saw your thread today, I have previously had the medical route but don't know about the after effects of the surgical route.

I would feel the same about an unwanted pregnancy now - it would be a disaster.

Your DH is being very, very unhelpful. Not only did he get you into this situation in the first place, now he is giving you emotional stress. There is a big issue there - absolutely all the comments above that sex while you are asleep is wrong. In addition, you need an agreement now, that if anything goes wrong with contraception (eg a problem with a condom) he needs to tell you Straight Away, because taking the Morning after pill is no problem at all compared with all the symptoms, surgery, worry and emotional effects that you have just been through.

Well done, loulou. Glad you're getting a follow up counsellor phone call.

I do think you need to address the situation that got you here in the first place.

I'm glad you've had the procedure now and you seem to be doing well physically and emotionally. Although I can understand that your husband might be upset I think it is insensitive of him to get that upset in front of you and refer to the embryo as a baby to you etc when you have been put in this situation by him and have had to deal with the physical symptoms and the surgery and having to stress about the timing and appointments etc. You seem to be coping amazingly and I'm glad they've offered for a councellor to call you.

I just wanted to say that I too am a woman in her forties and I would have taken the exact same decision as you. Your dh needs someone apart from you to talk to about this. I do think that if he had put pressure on you to continue the pregnancy that it wouldn't have made you continue but only increased your stress levels and made the whole experience worse. take care.