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Original poster

38 weeks pregnant and DH wants to travel for funeral

29 replies

columbine75 · 29/09/2014 21:56

I have to get this off my chest. I am being made to feel like a horrible selfish person (I know it's the grief talking). My husband's uncle died at the weekend and he wants to travel from South Wales to Leeds for the funeral (doesn't expect me to go to), I really don't want him to (2nd baby, 2/5 engaged, consultant appt for obstetric cholestasis on Thursday). I don't want to tell him he can't go, but I want him to make that decision for himself. My mum will come and stay at the drop of a hat to look after me and DD, but I don't want to end up in labour alone. He says I can get back in time, labour no 1 was very long, but I've explained that this doesn't mesn this one will be too. Aargh. At a loss. Sad

OP posts:
Rumandcokeplease · 29/09/2014 21:59

Let him go to the funeral, if you get even a small feeling you're going into labour you can call him. What's the worst that can actually happen? I think you're being selfish not letting him go to be honest.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 29/09/2014 22:02

Its Leeds not Libya. Just ring him on fhe first contraction.

am assuming he will be there and back in one day?

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 29/09/2014 22:03

You need to let him go. You might still be nearly 4 weeks away from giving birth, and your mum will be with you.

I missed my great aunt's funeral and gave regretted it ever since.

UpUpAndAway123 · 29/09/2014 22:04

Was he close to the uncle? Does he place a lot of value on attending funerals to pay last respects etc.
My DH isn't close to his extended family but if he had an uncle whom he was close to and he really wanted to go to the funeral then I wouldn't have a problem with him going-only to the service though and not spending hours at a wake. Maybe just mention that baby can come anytime-if it came down to it would he be more upset missing the funeral or birth of his child.
No easy answer to this one x

Only1scoop · 29/09/2014 22:05

I thought this 'travel' was going to be overseas....

He wants to go....you'll be fine.

Scarletbanner · 29/09/2014 22:09

Sorry to hear about your dh's uncle. Were he and dh very close?

DH probably would regret missing the funeral. But I understand your worries, as there must be a chance - a small one, but still a chance - that he will miss the birth of his child. And I imagine he'd regret that even more.

But you'll have to let him work that out for himself.

capecath · 30/09/2014 07:39

I would also let him go. I was 2/5s engaged with DS2 for about a month before I was finally induced. Subsequent kids tend to engage earlier apparently, doesn't necessarily mean they will arrive early....

Pooka · 30/09/2014 07:42

My second baby popped in and out of "engaged" for a good few weeks and was 1 week late.

Sunna · 30/09/2014 07:52

Let him go. He will resent you if he doesn't.

ItsNotEasyBeingGreen · 30/09/2014 07:56

Oh dear OP I think you need to 'let him go'. You'll have other people close by and you can call him the moment you feel anything. It's Leeds to South Wales, it's not far. Don't stop him attending a funeral that he wants to attend, it's probably important to him and his family to be there. I have to say at 38 weeks I'd probably go with him.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 30/09/2014 07:56

He's only nipping up to Leeds. I'd be resentful and feel very guilty if I didn't go to a funeral of someone I love.

IamHelenaJustina · 30/09/2014 08:01

' I don't want to tell him he can't go, but I want him to make that decision for himself.'

So basically you want him to put you first above everything else? Life doesn't work like that OP. We're talking a day's travel for an important event and your mum will look after you. You may be pregnant but a funeral IS important. Don't drive a wedge between you and your dh by making a 'thing' out of this.

MokunMokun · 30/09/2014 08:05

I thought you were going to say he was trying to make you go.

I agree, let him go. You will be fine.

ShowMeTheWonder · 30/09/2014 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Artandco · 30/09/2014 08:12

I say go. He can leave the morning of funeral and you can call if anything changes. It would be very unusual to go from no sign at all to baby in 3 hrs.

ElizabethMedora · 30/09/2014 08:13

Let him go. The likelihood of you actually going into labour in the less than 24 hours he will be away at 38 weeks pregnant is very small, and you have your mum to hold the fort. Funerals are important.

bridgetsmum · 30/09/2014 08:28

I think he should go.
If he doesn't go because you made him feel bad the likelihood is that you would spend the day looking at each other not talking about it and when you go to bed that night still pregnant you will feel awful that your DH missed his uncle's funeral and your DH will feel resentful of you for the same reason. Really not a good place to be

Hope that makes sense

Viviennemary · 30/09/2014 08:32

I agree that he should go. It's only a day. It puts him in a really difficult position saying you want him to make the right choice. I think you should back down and say he should go to the funeral.

Trunkisareshite · 30/09/2014 09:08

He should go- but for the day, not over night and in his own car so he can leave without faff and he shouldn't drink at all although I don't think many dads do post 37 weeks do they?

You will look and feel like an utter cow if he misses it and the baby doesn't come.

WhyOWhyWouldYou · 30/09/2014 09:20

He should go, its not that far and its important, its a funeral not a bloody lads night out. Call him at first twinge and have him agree hell come straight back. You'll have your mom to look after you. OR you take your notes and accompany him, just check out where hospitals are on way up/down and near the funeral and have their maternity ward details with you. Personally I'd accompany him, I'm sure he'd like the support and I've travelled a few counties at 41+6 for something that was very important, its not too bad.

If you push him to "make that decision for himself [to stay with you]", he will resent you for it. Its a funeral, he cant just do it some other time and he can be back for the birth - if first labour was long the chances of going 0-birth in under 3or so hours is pretty much zero,plus chances of you going into labour during that tiny window are minute anyway.

Figster · 30/09/2014 09:24

Sorry Op he should go if it's important to him it's not that far really!!

NoRoomForALittleOne · 30/09/2014 09:25

I would go with him and just check out where the nearest consultant led maternity units are (making sure that I took my handheld notes, bag and baby's carseat). If I'm being really honest, then at 38 weeks I'd probably be really hormonal and grumpy and hoping that he would decide to stay at home as I wouldn't fancy the journey. But I would go anyway.

LittleBearPad · 30/09/2014 09:34

He should go. I thought you were going to say it was a long distance airplane ride away.

It's a funeral, it's only Leeds and you'll have your mum with you.

But if you don't want him to go then at least own this decision and tell him. Don't say you want him to decide himself. It's not fair

whattheseithakasmean · 30/09/2014 09:38

I agree with LittleBearPad I think it would be reasonable for him to go. If you really don't want him to, you have to insist. It is very manipulative to try and get him to come to the same conclusion as you without actually being open about what you want. Frank discussion is the way forward for a long and happy relationship, not passive aggressive unspoken expectations.

ShadowStar · 30/09/2014 09:48

I can understand the worry about going into labour and having the baby alone while he's at the funeral, but - especially as you have your mum to rely on if you need someone - I think you should let him go to the funeral.

If he stays home because he feels pressured into it by you, then he's likely to feel resentful about it, especially if the baby doesn't turn up on the day of the funeral. And if you say to him that you want him to make the decision by himself, it does come across that you don't want him to go. The chances of you actually going into labour while he's away are relatively small.

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