DP not as involved as I had hoped - am I being unreasonable/crazy??

[scaredexcited]

I'm 21+6 and, so far, I am very disappointed by DP's attitude to our first pregnancy. Throughout our relationship, DP has been very vocal about the fact that he really wants kids; it was me who needed convincing, to be honest. So I'm very surprised at the way in which he has been behaving so far during the pregnancy. Despite saying how happy and excited he is about the whole thing, DP continues to go out and socialise as normal, often going out on a Friday or Saturday until 3am, leaving me at home feeling sorry for myself. He's also shown little interest in reading up on pregnancy and childbirth, even though I've given him things to read. In addition, I have had to organise the redecoration of our flat without any input from him, and while he helped with some of the work, I have had to do the lion's share, including most of the painting and de-cluttering.

I suppose I am disappointed that DP has not been more hands-on during the pregnancy, given that he was so keen on having kids. I'm also terrified that he will be similarly hands-off when the baby comes, leaving me to look after it on my own. I have spoken to DP about my feelings on a number of occasions,but I struggle to do so in a reasonable way, meaning that we end up having nasty arguments during which I say things that I later regret.

Am I being unreasonable to expect DP to make more of an effort during my pregnancy? And does this spell disaster for when the baby arrives?

I agree with pp. Don't really think it is fair to say that it's just a man thing, I think it does depend on the individual. DH has never read a pregnancy book in his life and doesn't intend to but he has been brilliant with both our 1st pregnancy and currently our 2nd.
He doesn't go mad researching the latest baby stuff like I do, but he more than pulls his weight in other ways- taking over my chores, offering to help more and making sure I'm comfy and supported.
OP I would not be happy if my DH continued to go out every weekend without me till 3am. And when we decorated the nursery for our pfb I chose the colours and scheme and he did all the painting.

My dh wasn't really into it. No books or anything. Enjoyed the scan.

Into the baby big time in reality. However, has distanced himself from the realities of it all. Still wants to do his own thing at weekends etc. not really fair.

I've been thinking about this one. Another thing I discovered was that mine had done a lot of reading he hadn't told me about. He knows about loads of things - at NCT (which he came to, but looked bored at a lot of the time), he knew loads more than the other blokes. We were discussing sweeps with our doula the other day, and when I asked him about what he thought regards going overdue, he pulled a face and said he didn't think I should do that, it was just too interventiony. So he has started to have some opinions. He couldn't care less about decoration in the nursery (we don't have a nursery yet), or have an opinion about much else FOR the baby 'just needs to be functional', but he's right really. The baby won't care.

Hi OP,
I think you've got a few options. You can give him a serious dressing down and explain to him exactly what you're going to need from him, or you can just wait and see if he does it. I'd slightly incline towards the second option just in case he is going to be secretly fab. But I think he is BU to say that DIY is 'not his thing' -- that is nonsense.
You will find once you have the baby (and child!) that you probably will be taking a lead on things. I.e. even if your DH will make half the baby's meals (once she/he's 1) you will probably be the one deciding what she/he eats and planning it all. Even if your DH will come to baby birthday parties you will have been the one to write the dates down and buy the b-day child a present, and so on. There's a good book about this called Wifework, which will make you 100% more furious than you are now! But also Rebecca Asher, Shattered: Modern Motherhood and the Illusion of Equality suggests how to make things actually 50/50. Interesting reads, and I do have one friend who has managed it. She even decided she hated bf-ing because it created inequality.
You'll have to find your way. You'll be fine, one way or another

Thanks for all your comments. Feeling v overwhelmed about everything but I think the most important thing is to have a long and frank chat with my DP, following which I will just have to see how it all pans out.

Partyskirt - thank you for the book suggestions, esp. the Asher one

There a saying "women become mothers when they feel there baby move, men become fathers when the see there baby for the first time." Best advice my grandma ever gave me. My dh, db and a few male friends have all been the same. He will get there and if he doesn't give him a hard time then! Congrats by the way.

I cannot remember how involved my dh was in my first pregnancy. The reason I remember for my second is because he was so spectacularly uninterested. Despite the fact that we'd had years of fertility treatment and he had seemed soooo keen for a second child. He never came to a scan, didn't feel the baby kick once, refused to discuss names, birth, anything. We were going through a very tough time financially so he was out of character in many other ways too. It took some time after ds was born but he is so completely head over heels about him now - DS is 6. I would say he's a good dad - and interested though leaves a lot of the details up to me. I don't think there can be much comparison to being partner of a pregnant woman to playing with your two year old.

My DH was a bit like this, too but for him I know it was driven by a desire not to expect too much, in case it all went wrong.

I would make 2 suggestions:

1. as others have said, make a list of things that need doing. Don't make it a case of "you don't help enough, I feel really upset" - just say, "I need you to do this because I can't do it all and it needs doing. Thank you!"

2. can you try and organise things for you to do together? Even if it's just a trip to the cinema or local pub? You could remind him that you will no longer be able to do this kind of thing as a couple once the baby is here (or not as easily), and you'd like to make use of your time together!

Also, what did you use to do when he went out til 3am before you got pregnant? Did you go with him?

Maybe you could try and organise your own night outs with friends?

Don't expect him read books. Mine is a reader & simply never bothered.

I think they just don't get it to a certain degree. Oh has been amazing during my second pregnancy. He understands the tiredness and sickness so much more than last time. Probably cos I've already given him a little human I made myself. Until they hold the baby in their arms I think they find it a bit grad to get their heads around.

I got " Pregnancy For Men" for mine. Quite blokey, but suprisingly woman-sensitive. He hoovered it up, but has read nothing else. Doesn't need to in fairness. It was excellent.

He takes it pretty seriously. Always says: "Your job is to take care of the baby right now. I can't - so my job is to take care of you"

Might be an idea to say that to him......

My husband is similar not through being deliberately disinterested. I guess it's not so present as it is for me. I made him watch 'don't drop the baby' on bbc3 - still on iplayer - and that helped.

Good luck OP - I think you're feeling overwhelmed about the coming baby too. You are at the point of pregnancy where it really becomes real and obvious there's no going back. Give yourself time (well, a few weeks!) and you might feel better. Also it's a good idea to talk to your partner. I think you'll be fine when the baby comes, though it sounds like you might have some clash with friendship groups. If you're quite young and none of your friends have kids yet, there will always be the lure to go on an old-style 'night out' for your DP. But in a few years they will all be exhausted with little babies of their own!!

Dp didn't touch a book, we chose a name very late and he only came to one scan. He is a brilliant dad and besotted with dd. His laissez faire attitude came in handy for the newborn stage when I got stressed a lot and he said things like 'don't fret, babies cry that's what they do' and then just dragged her about with him! Ime men need the baby in arms before they can get over excited then they normally turn out to be great dads.