DP not as involved as I had hoped - am I being unreasonable/crazy??

[scaredexcited]

I'm 21+6 and, so far, I am very disappointed by DP's attitude to our first pregnancy. Throughout our relationship, DP has been very vocal about the fact that he really wants kids; it was me who needed convincing, to be honest. So I'm very surprised at the way in which he has been behaving so far during the pregnancy. Despite saying how happy and excited he is about the whole thing, DP continues to go out and socialise as normal, often going out on a Friday or Saturday until 3am, leaving me at home feeling sorry for myself. He's also shown little interest in reading up on pregnancy and childbirth, even though I've given him things to read. In addition, I have had to organise the redecoration of our flat without any input from him, and while he helped with some of the work, I have had to do the lion's share, including most of the painting and de-cluttering.

I suppose I am disappointed that DP has not been more hands-on during the pregnancy, given that he was so keen on having kids. I'm also terrified that he will be similarly hands-off when the baby comes, leaving me to look after it on my own. I have spoken to DP about my feelings on a number of occasions,but I struggle to do so in a reasonable way, meaning that we end up having nasty arguments during which I say things that I later regret.

Am I being unreasonable to expect DP to make more of an effort during my pregnancy? And does this spell disaster for when the baby arrives?

[slightlyconfused85]

Dp didn't touch a book, we chose a name very late and he only came to one scan. He is a brilliant dad and besotted with dd. His laissez faire attitude came in handy for the newborn stage when I got stressed a lot and he said things like 'don't fret, babies cry that's what they do' and then just dragged her about with him! Ime men need the baby in arms before they can get over excited then they normally turn out to be great dads.

[partyskirt]

Good luck OP - I think you're feeling overwhelmed about the coming baby too. You are at the point of pregnancy where it really becomes real and obvious there's no going back. Give yourself time (well, a few weeks!) and you might feel better. Also it's a good idea to talk to your partner. I think you'll be fine when the baby comes, though it sounds like you might have some clash with friendship groups. If you're quite young and none of your friends have kids yet, there will always be the lure to go on an old-style 'night out' for your DP. But in a few years they will all be exhausted with little babies of their own!!

[pippinleaf]

My husband is similar not through being deliberately disinterested. I guess it's not so present as it is for me. I made him watch 'don't drop the baby' on bbc3 - still on iplayer - and that helped.

[Annarose2014]

I got " Pregnancy For Men" for mine. Quite blokey, but suprisingly woman-sensitive. He hoovered it up, but has read nothing else. Doesn't need to in fairness. It was excellent.

He takes it pretty seriously. Always says: "Your job is to take care of the baby right now. I can't - so my job is to take care of you"

Might be an idea to say that to him......

[Jaffakake]

Don't expect him read books. Mine is a reader & simply never bothered.

I think they just don't get it to a certain degree. Oh has been amazing during my second pregnancy. He understands the tiredness and sickness so much more than last time. Probably cos I've already given him a little human I made myself. Until they hold the baby in their arms I think they find it a bit grad to get their heads around.

[glowfrog]

My DH was a bit like this, too but for him I know it was driven by a desire not to expect too much, in case it all went wrong.

I would make 2 suggestions:

1. as others have said, make a list of things that need doing. Don't make it a case of "you don't help enough, I feel really upset" - just say, "I need you to do this because I can't do it all and it needs doing. Thank you!"
   
   
2. can you try and organise things for you to do together? Even if it's just a trip to the cinema or local pub? You could remind him that you will no longer be able to do this kind of thing as a couple once the baby is here (or not as easily), and you'd like to make use of your time together!
   
   Also, what did you use to do when he went out til 3am before you got pregnant? Did you go with him?
   
   Maybe you could try and organise your own night outs with friends?

[EvilEmperorZurg]

I cannot remember how involved my dh was in my first pregnancy. The reason I remember for my second is because he was so spectacularly uninterested. Despite the fact that we'd had years of fertility treatment and he had seemed soooo keen for a second child. He never came to a scan, didn't feel the baby kick once, refused to discuss names, birth, anything. We were going through a very tough time financially so he was out of character in many other ways too. It took some time after ds was born but he is so completely head over heels about him now - DS is 6. I would say he's a good dad - and interested though leaves a lot of the details up to me. I don't think there can be much comparison to being partner of a pregnant woman to playing with your two year old.

[ilovehotsauce]

There a saying "women become mothers when they feel there baby move, men become fathers when the see there baby for the first time." Best advice my grandma ever gave me. My dh, db and a few male friends have all been the same. He will get there and if he doesn't give him a hard time then! Congrats by the way.

[scaredexcited]

Thanks for all your comments. Feeling v overwhelmed about everything but I think the most important thing is to have a long and frank chat with my DP, following which I will just have to see how it all pans out.

Partyskirt - thank you for the book suggestions, esp. the Asher one

[partyskirt]

Hi OP,
I think you've got a few options. You can give him a serious dressing down and explain to him exactly what you're going to need from him, or you can just wait and see if he does it. I'd slightly incline towards the second option just in case he is going to be secretly fab. But I think he is BU to say that DIY is 'not his thing' -- that is nonsense.
You will find once you have the baby (and child!) that you probably will be taking a lead on things. I.e. even if your DH will make half the baby's meals (once she/he's 1) you will probably be the one deciding what she/he eats and planning it all. Even if your DH will come to baby birthday parties you will have been the one to write the dates down and buy the b-day child a present, and so on. There's a good book about this called Wifework, which will make you 100% more furious than you are now! But also Rebecca Asher, Shattered: Modern Motherhood and the Illusion of Equality suggests how to make things actually 50/50. Interesting reads, and I do have one friend who has managed it. She even decided she hated bf-ing because it created inequality.
You'll have to find your way. You'll be fine, one way or another

[ohthegoats]

I've been thinking about this one. Another thing I discovered was that mine had done a lot of reading he hadn't told me about. He knows about loads of things - at NCT (which he came to, but looked bored at a lot of the time), he knew loads more than the other blokes. We were discussing sweeps with our doula the other day, and when I asked him about what he thought regards going overdue, he pulled a face and said he didn't think I should do that, it was just too interventiony. So he has started to have some opinions. He couldn't care less about decoration in the nursery (we don't have a nursery yet), or have an opinion about much else FOR the baby 'just needs to be functional', but he's right really. The baby won't care.

[Mrsgrumble]

My dh wasn't really into it. No books or anything. Enjoyed the scan.

Into the baby big time in reality. However, has distanced himself from the realities of it all. Still wants to do his own thing at weekends etc. not really fair.

[WingsClipped]

I agree with pp. Don't really think it is fair to say that it's just a man thing, I think it does depend on the individual. DH has never read a pregnancy book in his life and doesn't intend to but he has been brilliant with both our 1st pregnancy and currently our 2nd.
He doesn't go mad researching the latest baby stuff like I do, but he more than pulls his weight in other ways- taking over my chores, offering to help more and making sure I'm comfy and supported.
OP I would not be happy if my DH continued to go out every weekend without me till 3am. And when we decorated the nursery for our pfb I chose the colours and scheme and he did all the painting.

[canweseethebunnies]

I understand your frustration. Don't think mines as bad as yours, but I asked my dp if he would attend birth preparation session with a yoga teacher, and he said it 'wasn't his thing'. I pointed out that pregnancy and labour weren't exactly my favourite hobby either, but with a lot more expletives! He's been a bit dismissive of my need for a bit of tlc as well.

I can't say your dp will come around, who knows? I'm fairly sure that mine is actually a decent bloke, who will realise the reality of the situation once he becomes a father (I'm already a mum). Do you think your is?

[Heels99]

Have you discussed how you will manage financials whilst on maternity leave?

[scaredexcited]

No reason why we're not married. My pregnancy has been event-free (no morning sickness, etc.), so he might feel that I'm still able to manage, although it should be pretty obvious from my bump (and my nagging/pleading) that I need help. He may indeed feel that the next few months are his last hurrah, but it's still not fair to make me feel this way. On the plus side, he has also come to all of my MW appointments so far. I'm glad to hear that many OHs have come around after the birth. It's just hard not to panic about the future and it's definitely not how I imagined pregnancy to be.

[ohthegoats]

Mine also already does all the cooking, his fair share of any DIY (we both like doing that though), and cleaning, all the gardening... I do erm... ah yeah, I do the growing of our child and the washing up and cleaning of the bathroom. Erk. Thing is, the things he does aren't 'chores' to him - he loves cooking, gardening and doesn't mind a bit of DIY. I don't like cleaning the bathroom or washing up. I'd cook more, but I'm not as good as him - he covers every meal I make him in Tabasco before he eats it!

[ohthegoats]

I've no reason to think he wouldn't do his fair share, but my line is "You're a parent too." and that will be it - I'm not the only parent in this family, half and half is fair. I think over the next week or so I'm going to initiate the chat about making sure that after the first crazy weeks, we get some activities to ourselves every week. Even if it's just an hour for me to go to an exercise class, or to go to hockey training, or for him to go watch the match in the pub. Only fair that that time is the same for both, I'll insist on it really.

[DanyStormborn]

My DH is showing no interested in researching, buying for the baby or thinking of a name. He just leaves me to it. He doesn't comment on my growing bump or ask about my midwife appointments. He thinks that as I have read everything and he trusts me to make good decisions then he can just follow my lead/do as I say. He thinks that as I did the reading I know best what to buy. He doesn't mind me choosing a name so long at it isn't crazy and it doesn't remind him of a badly behaved past student (he's a teacher).

I'm annoyed but not worried about when the baby gets here. I'm comparing it to when we got our cats; he wasn't at all interested in reading about them or deciding where to get them, I chose them, I bought all the stuff and I named them with no input from him at all (his choice). But once they arrived he was amazing with them. I still make the main decisions regarding their diet and healthcare and decide when they need to see a vet but he picks up the cat food I choose, feeds them everyday, brushes their long fur, gives them lots of attention (more than I do most days) and will take them to the vet if I'm not available.

I've told DH that when I am recovering and getting breastfeeding started that he will have to do most other stuff including most nappy changes. Also once I go back to work he will have the baby full time during school holidays. He just says that's fine and doesn't seem worried.

[halfdoneharris]

My DH has struggled to show any excitement about either of my pregnancies (currently 26wks with No 2) but he is a fab dad to dd. As PP have said, all the changes are happening to your body and they feel quite separate from it, but once there is a physical child in their arms they can really step up and be excellent dads.
I think it also depends if you are having an easy pregnancy - I did, and my DH kept seeming to forget that anything was different as I just carried on as normal (but did make him do the heavy stuff like carry vacuum upstairs).
The drinking thing maybe your DP having a last hurrah as he might have far fewer opportunities in the next few years to be so sociable.
I wouldn't worry just yet. x

[Ikillpotplants]

I could have written your post during my pregnancy OP - I remember crying over phone to my mum in third trimester that he was running out of time to come round to the idea. Baby arrived and he was smitten. I didn't change a nappy whilst he was on paternity leave, even though when I was pregnant he declared he wasn't going to change any! Not that I'm saying it's ok for your DH to behave like that, but I do agree with other posters that some men can be a bit rubbish sympathising with pregnancy, and seem to want to hang onto their old lifestyle til the last minute.

[WhyOWhyWouldYou]

I think it's fairly normal for men not to change until the baby arrives, I don't think it seems truely real to most of them until baby is actually here. Whereas women have to go through pregnancy so it becomes real far sooner.

[museumum]

My dh didn't read anything about pregnancy or childbirth. I told him what I thought he needed to know and sent him on a 1-day dads to be course about the birth.
To be honest pregnancy didn't really happen to him. Not in any real way. And I felt he'd be better learning about a dad's role at the birth than coming to preg yoga with me to learn about my bit :)
He's been a totally fantastic father though this first year.
In your shoes the only bit I'd be pissed off about is the helping with the house bit. But with up to 20weeks still to go did he feel you had plenty of time?
Is he going out now because he knows he soon won't be able to for a while? Or does he think he'll carry on when the baby's here?

[Heels99]

My dh didn't come to ante natal classes. Do you mind me asking Is there a reason you aren't married?

[scaredexcited]

Heels99 - we have been together for 7 years and have, until now, generally worked v well as a team. He is attending antenatal classes with me, which is something. I just hate the fact that he's making me feel so resentful and sorry for myself