not happy just very upset - is this normal?

[mrsm1983]

My husband and I have been trying for a baby on and off for about eighteen months. He has always been super keen and I haven't been, to the extent that we stopped trying for a few months because I just wasn't sure it was what I wanted to do. I decided after a while that although I really don't fancy the idea of being pregnant, the idea of giving birth sends me into a complete panic, and I don't really like babies very much, I didn't want to not have children and so I was just going to have to get on with it. I was reassured that my mum has always said that she didn't like babies and was not a maternal sort of person and I thought that really your own baby has got to be different to someone else's baby, right?!

We have now finally got pregnant - I had a positive test on Saturday morning. My immediate reaction was to feel quite panicky but also a bit pleased, and for most of Saturday we were having pretty positive conversations about how we could adjust our largely going-out-for-beers-focussed social life, how we were going to tell people and when etc. Then we went to see a friend who has literally just have a baby and I freaked out entirely at seeing my mate suddenly breastfeeding a tiny human. I cried almost non-stop from leaving their place on Saturday afternoon until yesterday evening. I explained to my husband that I was worried that I had made completely the wrong decision and that I was concerned that I had focussed too much on what he wanted to do (in the knowledge that I am pretty sure that he would want a divorce if I had suddenly said that I didn't want children) and that I really wasn't sure that this was the right thing to do. We had an awful evening, obviously. He wasn't even cross with me because he entirely accepted that I hadn't tried to mislead him and had really thought that I'd be all right if we went ahead. We got to the stage of him saying, look, you need to decide what you want to do because I can't decide for you, and I sort of drew back and thought, god, I can't not go ahead with this because that would really be the end of everything, and I'm really not sure what my feelings are about this, which is a pretty poor basis for making a major decision. He said that he was worried and nervous too, which reassured me a bit.

So I'm not really sure where we are now. I have no idea how to tell if I am feeling this upset and uncertain because everyone does and/or my hormones are all over the place and/or I suffer from depression anyway, or if it's because I actually am making the wrong decision and it will actually only get worse as I get further along. I would be really grateful if anyone has any advice to offer.

I can't write now but know how you feel. Will come back later and tell you my story. Think it will help you x

Feeling scared and panicy at the beginning of a pregnancy is absolutely normal. Even people who very much want to be pregnant feel this way. Thinking 'OMG what I have done?!' is a completely normal response!

Having a baby does change your life but I believe for the better. They are only tiny babies for a short time, then they start doing things, crawling, walking, talking, every week or so it seems they can do something new. They become little people you can actually have a conversation with.

It is really full on at the beginning but after a while you can keep doing the thing you used to do, going out etc, babies can be left with family or babysitters, you can go back to work if that's what you want and the baby can go to childcare. Your life won't be just baby forever!

You're at the beginning of an adventure and it is scary, but it's going to be great.

This is probably going to sound completely mad but: (1) I am worried about the actual process of being pregnant. I used to have an eating disorder and I am not sure how I am going to cope with getting big, particularly without access to my traditional coping mechanism of having quite a lot of wine; (2) I am worried about birth as the whole idea makes me feel like I have now completely lost control of my body, although I am slightly reassured by the fact that my GP has confirmed that I can have a Caesarian on request if I really want one; (3) I am worried about actually having a baby as most of my friends who have had children appear to have changed completely despite maintaining up to the moment of birth that they will continue to be independent career women and I am not sure that I will actually like having a baby and being "a family" rather than just a couple (we get on very well as we are!); (4) I am worried that although I know my husband definitely means it when he says that he will be the primary caregiver and will stay at home (I am the main earner in our house and I like my job a lot more than he likes his) something will somehow get in the way of this; (5) I am not really ready to be a grown-up with children of my own and feel like I have not actually changed dramatically since I was 22 and still lived at home.

See, I told you it would sound completely mad.

I was trying for a baby for 7 years. Did all sorts of investigations/treatment. Got pregnant entirely by accident after we had just given up. I spent the first 12 weeks in a sheer panic-veering from thinking I'd done the wrong to thinking there was something wrong with the baby.
It is normal but totally pointless. It is done now so there's really no point in going over the why's and what if's.

ColdCottage and MediumOrchid, thank you, that is really reassuring. I do like older children - my husband has lots of nieces and nephews and I get on well with them once they are old enough to talk to so I must try to focus on that! We are also seriously considering moving much closer to my parents who are keen to help with childcare so I think that would be less overwhelming too.

I think your reaction sounds totally understandable and realistic; I am always a bit surprised when people go completely over the moon and gushy when they announce a pregnancy. Having a baby is probably the biggest lifestyle change any of us will experience and it is hugely challenging experience.

The fact you are thinking it all through so carefully sounds, to me, a very sensible thing to do.

I was in a similar position to you in that my DH was much more committed to having a child than I was and I was very, very concerned - about being pregnant, about giving birth (actually terrified about that bit), about what sort of parent I would be. I will not lie to you, it hasn't been plain sailing, it is an ongoing challenge being a parent - but I like to think I am honest and realistic about what it involves (and no, I would never do it again ).

I was in complete denial for the first few months of being pregnant both times. Didn't want to discuss it with my other half or think about it much, and both pregnancies were planned. I too don't see myself as the maternal type, I don't want a baby as such but I do want a family, so the baby bit just has to be done! My MIL who is a real 'baby person' must think I'm very odd!

Unfortunately no one can tell you how you should feel or what to do in this situation. Sorry, rubbish advice, just wanted you to know that not everyone has the burning desire to be pregnant or have a baby but still wants to have a family.

You dont sound mad, you sound entirely normal and, actually, very sensible as you have your H set up for child care. You are thinking about it realistically and may therefore have a nice surprise.

Equally though if you decide against having a baby that is absolutely your right - just make sure you're thinking about the whole of the rest of your life not just the baby years. Would you regret not having older children? teenagers? grown up children and grandchildren?

Am so pleased that I posted on here. I no longer think that I am going mad/am a bad person etc! The "not a baby person but do want a family" thing is absolutely spot on. I had a great childhood and now have a fantastic relationship with my parents so I am really motivated by the prospect of having older and then adult children. All of my friends have been really, "YES I MUST HAVE CHILDREN NOW I LOVE BABIES" so it is very reassuring to hear that this is not the only or the correct reaction.

I like older kids and am not a baby person at all, but I just loved having my own baby. I thought I'd just put up with the baby phase to get the kids, but actually I fucking loved it. I still think other people's babies are really boring

9 months is a long time to get used to an idea - you won't be giving birth or looking after a new human tomorrow.

I have had many, many moments during this pregnancy where I've panicked or regretted it all or worried I'm doing the wrong thing (and this is no 2 so I knew what I was getting myself into!!) It doesn't mean you're a bad person or bad mum, it's natural I think. It's a big thing.

Having a baby has definitely changed me but not as much as some of my other friends - I also remember feeling a bit put out at how much of a personality transplant some of them had had post birth. That's not inevitable and to a degree you get to decide how much you change, though it's also impossible to go through it all entirely unchanged.

The only advice I'd give is don't worry about sorting all your feelings out right away. You have a really long time to decide on your options for birth, parenting, etc (and lots of things happen organically rather than you deciding them anyway). For now just let yourself feel what you are feeling and I think it's a really good sign of how strong your relationship is that you can discuss them with your husband and support each other.

Good luck x

What people don't tell you when you get that blue line is that 9 months is LOOOOOONG.

Everyone (well most people) freak out a bit when they get a positive test. I used to say to my DH "Its all fun and games till somebody actually gets knocked up!"

Then it becomes very heavy, very rapidly. And there is this dreadful period of panic and stress, and then at 6 weeks BOOM! you get nausea and it is just SHIT cos you haven't even got your head around being positive yet. You're just on a rollercoaster you have to ride.

And its at this point that you start researching Pregnancy, and you get shit scared at all the vast myriad of things that can go wrong/make your working life Hell. And then you reearch birth, and you feel faint and have to have a bit of a lie down. And then you go onto the Breastfeeding boards and the Sleep boards and you FREAK THE FUCK OUT!

This is entirely normal and even dare I say, natural.

But there is a saving grace - the aformentioned LOOOOONGness of it all. Nothing happens. For months. In fact, once the nausea goes its suprising how little happens. And you get some of the other symptoms, but certainly not all, or even half of them. And they come gradually, so its not that big a deal, really. You can manage.

In other words, you have 8 months of time to get your head around it all. And I know you're going to think "what if I don't?" But you're underestimating vastly the effects of hormones. There is something very primal about making a baby. It is absolutely impossible not to change as the pregnancy changes - your uterus will see to that.

Interesting topic.
One option to consider is only having one child. I think that it's a deal easier to fit one child into the life that you like than two or more. Should you find out that you like the whole thing more than you expected, you can decide whether you're up for the lifestyle shift that having another requires.
I also have no image of myself as a mumsy mum, but I've been so surprised by how much more I like pregnancy (and my body) than I expected.

I think this is surprisingly normal, even if not spoken about that much.

I was in a pretty similar situation - only reason we decided to try and get me pregnant now, was because I'm 40 and we knew we'd run out of time. I wasn't 'ready' (insane, I know) because I'm a big traveller/trekker, skier, sailor, in love with my job, loved where I lived.. loved my boyfriend too, just sort of felt like we needed more time to do the things we loved together. But the timing thing pushed it.

I was in denial for the first month, then I got really, really ANGRY. We moved house to a new town at 6 weeks - planned, we had bought a new house etc, but we moved to have a more interesting social life, and suddenly I was extremely boring, couldn't do the cocktail drinking and hockey playing that I would normally have done to make friends. I couldn't do things around the new house (DIY) because I felt so weak and pathetic and sick. At 9 weeks I had a massive melt down and boyfriend asked me if I regretted the whole thing. At that point I absolutely DID regret it. We went out for the day, I had a martini and a big glass of white wine on the sea front in Brighton, we talked about it a lot, I did some more crying (and slept all the way there in the car, and all the way back), but ultimately felt better.

After that I just got resigned to this being the 'new status quo' - it's not forever, it's 9 months. And then things get really exciting - we both like kids and babies, we are a pretty strong couple even though we haven't been together long. We're excited about the new arrival. I'm bored now of being pregnant, but I'm due on Saturday so I've managed. Sometimes it has felt as if I've only just coped with it, and I don't think we'll have any more (even if my age would allow), just because pregnancy changed my personality so much, but I'm proud of myself for getting through it healthily, without too much hassle, and I'm happy that we'll do an alright job of parenting. No worse than anyone else, anyway.

Obviously the prospect of childbirth doesn't fill me with joy, but it doesn't fill anyone with joy (only the insane)... but it's necessary, and right now I'll be really happy to not be pregnant anymore. It's just one awful day, followed by one of the most amazing moments of your life... and hopefully a lifetime of further amazing moments.

And yes to what annarose said - for a big chunk of it, certainly once the first trimester is out of the way, nothing really happens. You don't need to buy anything or worry too much about anything until 30+ weeks... at which point you might start being uncomfortable. That gives you 18 weeks of just living a teetotal, slightly chubbier life, and some good things can happen in that time - great skin, amazing hair, bigger boobs but not much bigger anywhere else etc, it's almost enjoyable.

Welcome to the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy. It's a big life event anyway and you have to do it in a fog of hormones. You'll be amazed what becomes a big deal in the next few months and, hopefully, have a laugh about it afterwards. IMO babies are ok but all kids improve with age and your own are something very special. Good luck!

Just to reiterate that having one child is a perfectly reasonable position to take. That's what we've decided - we are both happy as-is and still get just about enough time for ourselves to not feel completely lost. DS is 3.

Regarding the personality transplant thing, I was very worried about that too. Hasn't happened - while the practicalities of day to day life have changed a lot, I am still myself. I work full time and have had promotion and increased responsibility since coming back from maternity leave.

The critical factor for us is that parenting is 50:50. I would be lost if DP didn't take his full share of the responsibility. We slip sometimes - he's naturally a bit of a slacker, I'm naturally a take-charge person, but we pull it back when the workload starts drifting my way.

I had an accidental first pregnancy and felt very similar, even with our planned second baby I cried when I got the positive test. With a first baby it is a huge thing and things do change a lot. Walking into mothercare for the first time, buying maternity clothes and baby stuff is weird and feels far too grown up and not for people like me. I still feel an unease with motherhood and fitting into the role - my eldest has just started school. Some of it is very natural and other bits may be wrapped up in your own issues and depression, I know it is for me. If you can get some counselling I would try it out and some anti ds are safe during pregnancy if necessary.

Fear of birth is very common, my first was with an epidural and much more controlled than my second birth at home. Reading up on positive birth stories was helpful too.

I agree that one child only will be a lot easier to fit into your lives than two, but even then it is a big deal. Plus going back to work will help, especially if your DH is being the main carer, it will make things feel more 'normal'. And remember you don't have to do the natural birth or breastfeeding, don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.

IMO the "not a baby person but do want a family" thing is preferable to being a total baby person who just wants a baby NOW, but hasn't really thought about the long term.

Just wanted to add that even though all I have ever wanted is to be a mum, and we tried unsuccessfully for 2.5 years and had to have IVF (costing 5000) to get pregnant, when it actually happened, we still had a few hours of What the actual SHIT have we done?! and then a good few days of Fuck are we actually ready for this? And even still now at 7m pregnant we are in Bugger this really is going to change our life forever.

but of course I know this is what we want - and most of the time I'm nothing other than deliriously happy - but just wanted to reassure that if I can have thoughts like I did in the first few weeks, what you are feeling in your situation sounds COMPLETELY normal!! And I agree with others that 9 months is a long time and usefully almost exactly the right length of time for most people to get their heads around what is going to happen. I also agree that they aren't babies for long, so it's definitely more important that you seem to know that you definitely want a family than that you are mega focused on the cute baby stage.

Thank you very much indeed everyone. I was really miserable this morning and now although I'm still not exactly jolly I am feeling much more normal! It's all very well to have my mum and her mates going, "I HATED babies but mine was all right, just crack on, you'll be fine" but it sounds quite a lot more convincing coming from entirely neutral outsiders with no interest in my reproductive decisions.

I am still really upset about the lack of mind you. Can't someone invent an intoxicant that doesn't pass through to the sprog?! Most unfair (she says, drinking her decaffeinated tea).

You'll find threads with good alcohol alternatives from the many women who miss a drink. Sainsbury's and waitrose make good low alcohol ciders, some of the 0 - 0.5% beers are really good. Wine is tricky, but a sangria made with a splash of red wine plus plenty of orange juice and lemonade has been a favourite for me, as has tonic water with fresh lime and a few dots of angostura. They at least taste like an end of the day drink. All of these have a little alcohol, but very low.

Really normal. Can you think of anything else in life that is completely irreversible? I think it really hit me when DD was born. If it's any help, I wouldn't give her back now.

Tonic water & lime & ice has saved my sanity.

But tbh there are plenty of women who have the odd glass of wine. (Its just that you have to really stop after one, which is no fun!)

Have also loved 0% alcohol beers. Quite satisfying.

And you don't need to have only decaff tea. I always had one strong cup to start my day, and one strong cup at the 4pm slump. Rest was decaff. You're allowed a certain amount of caffeine a day, just decide when you need them most!