not happy just very upset - is this normal?

[mrsm1983]

My husband and I have been trying for a baby on and off for about eighteen months. He has always been super keen and I haven't been, to the extent that we stopped trying for a few months because I just wasn't sure it was what I wanted to do. I decided after a while that although I really don't fancy the idea of being pregnant, the idea of giving birth sends me into a complete panic, and I don't really like babies very much, I didn't want to not have children and so I was just going to have to get on with it. I was reassured that my mum has always said that she didn't like babies and was not a maternal sort of person and I thought that really your own baby has got to be different to someone else's baby, right?!

We have now finally got pregnant - I had a positive test on Saturday morning. My immediate reaction was to feel quite panicky but also a bit pleased, and for most of Saturday we were having pretty positive conversations about how we could adjust our largely going-out-for-beers-focussed social life, how we were going to tell people and when etc. Then we went to see a friend who has literally just have a baby and I freaked out entirely at seeing my mate suddenly breastfeeding a tiny human. I cried almost non-stop from leaving their place on Saturday afternoon until yesterday evening. I explained to my husband that I was worried that I had made completely the wrong decision and that I was concerned that I had focussed too much on what he wanted to do (in the knowledge that I am pretty sure that he would want a divorce if I had suddenly said that I didn't want children) and that I really wasn't sure that this was the right thing to do. We had an awful evening, obviously. He wasn't even cross with me because he entirely accepted that I hadn't tried to mislead him and had really thought that I'd be all right if we went ahead. We got to the stage of him saying, look, you need to decide what you want to do because I can't decide for you, and I sort of drew back and thought, god, I can't not go ahead with this because that would really be the end of everything, and I'm really not sure what my feelings are about this, which is a pretty poor basis for making a major decision. He said that he was worried and nervous too, which reassured me a bit.

So I'm not really sure where we are now. I have no idea how to tell if I am feeling this upset and uncertain because everyone does and/or my hormones are all over the place and/or I suffer from depression anyway, or if it's because I actually am making the wrong decision and it will actually only get worse as I get further along. I would be really grateful if anyone has any advice to offer.

I was uncertain about having kids and completely freaked when I found out I was pregnant. Seeing friends with babies made me freak all the more. Like you, I mentally made lists of all the reasons why I would completely fail as a mother and it would be dreadful and, oh catastrophe! It was hormones mixing with my rather anxious personality to send me into catastrophising overload. You sound a lot like I was! I adore my son. My life is a lot different but I love it. Wouldn't go back at all.

I don't drink decaf tea, it's disgusting, I also after the first trimester have a small glass of wine with my meal. I also make sure I dont just talk babies /children with work colleagues and that I keep my hobbies up.

There is life after pregnancy I promise ( the most artwork I ever made was when I was pregnant last and for the next two years when dd had marathon 3hr naps every morning)

Im on number 3, hate pregnancy, love having a family

Can really identify with what you're saying, I thought I didn't want kids but wrestled with it for ages and was finally swayed by knowing my husband would be a fantastic Dad (he is!). The first bit of pregnancy is truly awful for lots of people (tired, morning sickness, crashing enormity of your decision etc.) But for some reason it still isn't that common to talk about it. And I won't lie, the first year of parenting I found bloody hard. But it gets better and better as your small screaming thing grows up into a little person. You will miss out on things, sure. But you would also miss out if you didn't go ahead. Give yourself a week or two to mentally adjust and it's ok to feel a bit sad about leaving a really fun stage of your life. Oh, and Bavaria alcohol free beer was my saviour. The others mostly taste like cleaning products. Also ginger beer, sparkling water and lime cordial. Good luck.

I'm back, sorry it took all day.

I could have almost written your post.

I decided to jump in and have a baby as although I could go either way at the age of 31 as to if I wanted a baby (always wanted them when I was older growing up) my DH wanted children and I didn't feel I could change my mind once we'd married knowing he wanted them.

We fell 3rd month, I was not ready for that! I must have said Fu*k constantly for days. I kept thinking I would get my head round it but didn't until the moment they put DS on my chest. I said " it's real, it's a baby!" I really didn't seem real until that moment for me. I described it like when you try and get your head around the infinite size of the universe, you just can't do it.

I was really frightened at times. I once cried at my DH as I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle it and would need to leave the baby which would mean leaving DH as knew he would never leave our child. It was a silly, panicked feeling which deep down I knew wouldn't happen but still scared the crap out of me.

I wasn't really worried about taking care of the baby, it was more about me no longer just being me, not having the freedom is had before, the loss of spontaneity and being a bit selfish with time and money for me.

I was also frightened about my body changing (thought it would feel like an alien taking me over) and the birth. I desensitised myself about the birth by watching lots of one born every minute and 16 and pregnant (if they can do it so can I!). It really helped me, along with NCT - learning more about the biology and options if birth.

My body changed so slowly that I got used to it as it changed and actually got excited to see the baby move as I followed its growth online. Something I never expected.

The labour was long 42h but the birth was only 1 1/4h. I felt safe and supported by my DH and the mw. It hurt (better once I had the epidural ) but it wasn't stressful and was actually a big bonding for me and DH.

I thought that it would just be knackering, crying, nappies, feeding and just boring until DS was much older but actually its been so interesting watching him develop. They change every day and are actually really fun. I am lucky I have a good baby, I image if he'd had bad colic or reflux if would have been a bit harder. I did however hurt my back which meant I couldn't lift him for 2 months and needed help (history of back pain) still loved it though.

The fun and joy I get from DS 4.5 months really surprised me. I really do love it, not what I expected.

Don't be scared to be an un pc pregnant woman, I was, told people how I was scared and found it all a bit odd and slightly gross. I did get a few funny looks but mainly support.

You can do it if I did

I've been trying for 4&1/2 years, finally got pregnant with our much wanted, longed for and already loved babies on my 6th (and LAST) IVF attempt. I clearly remember twice in the first 12 weeks crying my eyes out and being scared that I didn't really want this after all and I'd made a huge mistake.

It's normal :)

I feel like I could have almost written your post too OP, and ColdCottage. I got pregnant our third month of trying and while I wasn't devastated, I wasn't euphoric. I don't really like babies - I don't mind giving my friend's kids a cuddle but I never looked at babies in prams in the street and cooed over them. I never dreamt about "being a mum" - in fact even writing that phrase makes me feel a bit sick/claustrophobic and I'm 30 weeks pregnant!

DH and I have been together 13 years in November, and married for 6. We have had a lovely time together so far - both got good jobs, a nice house, lived overseas, had fab boozy overseas holidays a couple of times a year - and now we're upending all that and we don't even know if we like babies? It's pretty mad when you look at it in black & white. I saw the stress that kids introduced into people's lives and I just didn't want that to happen to us - the money worries, the mess everywhere, the 1950s gender roles that so many relationships seem to fall into, the knockback my career would take. There seemed to be so many reasons not to do it.

In the end, we thought, we do want kids (just not babies) and our lives were risking becoming a bit same-same - we'd work really hard all week, have barely any time for each other, knock back a few wines on the weekend, rinse, repeat. We thought having a baby would make us introudce some more balance into our lives, and would give us an excuse to introduce some flexible working (neither of our works would allow it for any reason other than having kids) (This is probably a really deluded reason). Also I'm 32, will be 33 when the baby is born, and we thought we'd better crack on with it now in case there were any problems, it would give us time to (a) decide if we cared enough about it to get help (b) get help if we wanted to (c) have a second kid if we liked it more than we expected!

I really don't like all the mummy stuff (bit late now!) and I loathe being pregnant (still being sick at 30 weeks!) but am starting to get a bit excited about meeting our son. Other ways I have dealt with it:

• have decided to get an elective C section. No medical reason, and I'm not terrified about the idea of giving birth - I just don't want to do it. (Lots of people really don't agree with this!) I hate being pregnant and getting an ELCS means you can get the baby out at 39 weeks as opposed to potentially going up to 2 weeks overdue (which both DH and my mum did with us). Swerving 3 weeks of pregnancy is a good enough reason alone for me!
• Haven't gone to ante-natal classes. I'm not going through labour (which the classes seem to be geared towards) and I don't want to have a coffee group with randoms other "mums" so I don't see the point. (As a result I have been on Mumsnet a LOT asking silly questions).
• Have read every baby book going. Baby Whisperer, Gina Ford, Kaz Cooke, Ferber, Bringing Up Bebe - you name it, I've read it. At last count I had 11 books I am a total over-planner and reading all the books and different theories makes me feel like I have a vague idea of what to expect.
• Am planning to breast feed but am not going to agonise if I can't. I definitely think there are benefist to BF-ing but I don't think they are so substantial that it's worth sacrificing (loads of) sleep/career/sanity. Definitely plan to do a bit of mix-feeding too. (Who knows how this plan will work out.)
• I'm not taking a full year maternity leave (have applied for 10 months) but will return to work earlier part-time. (Actually I'm interviewing at the moment for a new job to start when the baby is 4 months. It's a senior job but initially would be 3 days a week which would be perfect). DH will work 4 days a week. This is important for me as I don't want to do my career irreparable damage by being out of the work-force for too long, and I don't want my career to become secondary to DH's - plus I want him to do some time at the parenting coal face! Economically I think it makes sense for both of us to have some skin in the career game (we have the same careers, both lawyers), and both of us to do some parenting rather than one of each putting all our eggs in the parenting or working basket.

I guess I have focussed on the negatives but that's all you know when you haven't had kids isn't it? You can see how much your life will be up-ended but you can't imagine how rewarding it will be. I'm assuming the first few weeks (at least) will be horrendous so anything better than that will be a bonus. One of my friends (a guy) said to me re having kids "it's all of the horror you expected plus more love than you ever imagined possible - so net incremental benefit". I love that!

Sorry for the novel

Gennz, glad to see there are a few un pc non gooey mothers out there.

I would say that NCT didn't just give me people to have coffee with but also understanding on another level from anyone else who has has a child as they are living it at the same time as you and don't mind the daft questions and you take turns in going through something new and can guide the others through when it happens to them.

We all keep in touch via WhatsApp day and occasionally night. Not every day but most days a couple of us will chat, meet up or something. Sharing knowledge and understanding.

I've shared more intermit things with these girls than I have with most of the women in my life. We are all going through this life changing and sometimes traumatic as well as joyful time together and I've really found great friends as well as support.

How are you feeling Mrsm?

Hello! Sorry, not in front of a computer today so just catching up on my phone. Gennz and ColdCottage, you are my heroes. So is everyone else, obviously, but I am particularly delighted to hear from people who sound exactly the same as me. I am still feeling rather ambivalent but no longer actively feeling that if I could snap my fingers and make it all go away I would, which is fairly substantial progress!

Gennz - are you having a c-section on the NHS? Did you have to jump through any hoops before they agreed or in these post-NICE-guidance days is it pretty much "I would like one please, thank you"?

Am also appreciating the advice on booze substitutes - I had a ginless tonic with lots of lime and ice the other day and was pleasantly surprised. I am certainly planning to have the odd glass of wine, although given that my usual consumption is about 9,000 units a week I doubt that stopping after one will be very jolly. I am surprised my liver hasn't gone into shock already to be honest...

Oh, what I didn't say in my post is that I got pregnant within 3 weeks of having my coil out. I had hoped for a year of trying beforehand (and also had been totally fine with it not working at all). Was definitely in shock for awhile.

And regards NCT - I didn't want to go either, and I certainly didn't learn anything. But out of the 6 couples, I've met 2 women who could definitely be friends. Not for 'mummy stuff', but people who we've already planned walking weekends with, babysitting rota type plans, daytime baby watching so we can go and do exercise while on maternity leave etc. The others I'm not fussed about, but those two I could have been friends with without a baby in the mix.

Glad you are feeling a bit better. Feel free to pm me if you want.

Hi mrsM I am not in the Uk but we have a similar system here (NZ) - if you choose a midwife here it's funded by the Govt, or you pay for a private obstetrician (which we did). I'm glad we did - it wasn't cheap but from what I can tell from my friends' experiences the quality of care you get from midwifes is really variable. Some have had fantastic experiences and some terrible ones. And I felt there was more of a risky of being pushed down the "it's all natural, it's what your body is designed to do" path, which I wasn't comfortable with. My obstetrician is not touchy-feely AT ALL, he's pretty dry & sets out the risks and options for everything and leaves me to decide without pushing me down any particular path, which suits me. There's lots of useful info on the childbirth board if you search elective c-section - I think some doctors/midwives in the UK are more open to approving ELCS for non-medical reasons than others. Just remember that if you are anxious about birth and want an ELCS that anxiety is a medical reason.

(I'm not anti-natural birth by the way. I think if everything goes well, a straight-forward vaginal birth is the best way to deliver a child. But there's no guarantee mine would be straight-forward, so when I looked at all the options I decided I would rather choose an elective CS and thus remove the risk of an emergency CS or a complicated vaginal birth. Also I have had a revolting pregnancy and the sooner it's over the better!)

Re booze - I was a big wine drinker pre pregnancy! Polishing off a bottle on a Wednesday night by myself would not have been unusual I haven't banned myself from booze & have had maybe a glass of wine a week. I just don't feel like more. Very weird! On saturday night my glass of pinot noir lasted an hour without me even trying. Pre-pregnancy me would have gone through the bottle by that stage! I'm sure I'll recover my taste for wine and have just bought a case of lovely Marlborough rose in anticipation which I am hiding from DH so he can't hog it all before I have the baby

Re mother's groups/NCT classes - I hope I don't sound like a snobbish cow. I'm a bit of a misanthrope at times and I have plenty of friends who are pregnant or have small kids so I figure I didn't need to bother with creating more social obligations when I don't see enough of the friends I already have.