Due in 3 weeks & DH has turned into an unbearable tosspot - is this normal?

[MissLemonsEyebrows]

Hello! Sorry for the long post - but I'm just in search of some reassuring anecdotes here from people whose partners have gone awful just before the baby is due.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant with our first baby, and have been lucky enough to have a pretty uneventful pregnancy. No real hormonal ups and downs until the last week or so. DH of 10 yrs has been happy & excited throughout the pregnancy. While he's never been the cossetting, pampering type, I've never really expected that, so it's been fine.

But I'm in the home stretch, and things are getting physically uncomfortable and a bit emotionally overwhelming. We're under a fair bit of stress: we've got some last minute building works and DH is in the process of changing jobs. He's suddenly become more & more withdrawn, unsympathetic, and sometimes a bit mean and controlling. He doesn't seem to hear me at all when I talk to him. If I'm having trouble bending down to pick something up, he just watches me struggle and won't help. He makes fun of my 'fat pregnant face'. If I chat to him about my work (and he happens to be in the mood to listen), he criticises the way I do my job, gets angry and insistent that I'm going about things in a stupid and inefficient way, accuses me of being over-sensitive when I tell him to back off, and then tries to force me to apologise for having upset him by arguing. He's been making the builder re-do and re-do things, shouting & swearing at him and then storming off, leaving me to try to resolve the conflict & apologise for his behaviour. He was a complete wanker in our NCT class and refused to chat to anyone in the tea and lunch breaks, which was embarrassing and meant that we didn't make any friends there.

DH is quite anxious in general, and because he's turned into Mr Hyde suddenly at a time of huge upheaval, I'm hoping it is all attributable to stress and worry and will resolve itself in time. But of course, raising a baby is stressful, and the thought that he might be this horrible on a permanent basis terrifies me. I could also really do with some support - we have no family nearby, and having just gone on mat leave I'm feeling really isolated and alone. Everyone keeps telling me this is the time when I should be relaxing and putting my feet up - but DH seems massively resentful of the fact that I'm not working and makes a huge show of how tired and achey he is at the end of the day.

I've tried gently talking to him about how I feel, and acknowledging how I imagine he must be feeling (stressed / scared / burdened with responsibility / possibly trapped, etc), in the hope of getting back to a place where we can support each other through the difficult times ahead, but he's either completely blank or becomes angry with me.

I suppose what I'm wondering is whether this is a thing that happens to men just before babies are born - and if so, is it temporary? Or will it just get worse when the baby's here? Please reassure me!

Sorry but I don't think this is normal. He is nervous and stressed about the changes ahead which is normal, but he shouldn't be taking it out on you.

Oh dear, I was hoping this was part of some recognised process of preparing emotionally for fatherhood - getting all the asshole behaviour out of your system before the baby comes.

To be fair, he's not just taking it out on me. I think pretty much everyone he comes in contact with is getting it in the neck at the moment. Not that this makes the situation any better.

OP I don't want to scare you but there's information available showing that men can get abusive around the time of a baby's birth. Yes there's pressure but red flags for me are the behaviour in NCT classes etc - is he suddenly realising he won't be your top priority and resenting the baby? Has anyone else noticed his behaviour, what does his family say about how he is right now?

I don't think he's resenting the baby - he still talks very fondly about being a father, etc. But he often has a difficult time making sense of how he's feeling at times of great stress, and it comes out in a variety of anxious & hypochondriacal fixations (e.g. lying awake at night obsessing about something the builder's done, becoming convinced he's got some sort of dread disease, etc). He was a bit like this around the time his mother died. The difference is that then I had the emotional resources to support him as best I knew how, but now I need support as well, and instead I'm getting a sort of competition from him about who feels most tired, who needs most help, etc. I suppose that was the bit I was hoping might be normal and quick to resolve once there's a baby around and serious work to be done...

He just watches you struggle to bend over and laughs at your "fat pregnant face"???

He is an utter dick. Whether this dickishness is new or just exemplified at this late stage in your pregnancy I dont know but you are carrying his baby. He should be doing everything he can to make these last few weeks comfortable for you!

I don't think this is normal, no. My DH didn't go through it when i was pregnant.

I'm really sorry, is there any way you could contact the NCT women separately? Did you swap emails?

My NCT buddies were invaluable to me, and they don't need to hang out with your DH but they might be there for you if you reach out.

Could you mail them and see who wants to meet up for a pre-baby arrival chat/coffee?? It might help your isolation whilst you figure things out with your husband.

He doesn't sound very nice :(

Hmmm, it's a cliche but on mn it's often said the abusiveness and cuntishness usually come out around pregnancy/ birth of the child. Because you're vulberable so some twats think they can start showing their true faces. Sadly ot seems your dh might be one of them.

He sounds like a twat, sorry, this is not normal behaviour.

OP my DH lost his dad 40 days before becoming a dad himself and he did not become like this. As a PP said this is not normal. He clearly needs to address his own anxiety problems as only he can learn to react differently when under pressure. I would reiterate what a pp said about NCT friends - our group met regularly and it was a lifeline having them around.

When I first say your thread title, I was going to make excuses and say maybe you are being oversensitive. But honestly, this is simply dreadful behaviour from him and there is simply no excuse for this.

I would be concerned about what he will be like when the baby is here.

No. It's not normal.
even if it was, it still wouldn't be right.

Oh dear, sounds horrible, I'm trying to think how you can approach this without sounding doom laden.

One thing I would say is do some disaster planning. Have a think in advance about two things.

It will get crazy and confusing when your baby is born, and really hard to think rationally and calmly, so if you have some things in place, it will help you. I know it sounds miserable but ive seen it on here so many times, that as soon as a baby appears, the woman feels completely trapped and powerless to either refuse to be treated badly, or to end things. It may not get that far, and I hope it doesn't, but it's always good to know what your expectations and back up plans are, even of you never use them, sleep walking into it will leave you in a rubbish situation.

1. Where is 'the line' for you? Alot of women walk into hideously destructive situations as they don't realise their boundaries are being pushed and what behaviour they'll accept gradually changes. so, now, on theory, what's the line for you. So, what if he carries on being like this when the baby arrives? Is that 'the line', or what if he leaves you to do everything, is that 'the line'?

1. If you absolutely had to, how would you manage without dh in your life? It's easy to panic and think 'I can't do it on my own', but of you had to, who could you call on for help and what would need to change to get you surviving?

It sounds like he has a mental health issue and should go to the Dr.

Not normal behaviour.

I'm hoping to get to some sort of point where I can talk to him about this and he can take it in. Part of what upsets me so much is that for the 10 years we've been together we've always been good about talking these sorts of things through - and it's like the part of him that is able to do that has just disappeared in the past couple of weeks.

He's on anti-anxiety meds and we talked about his upping the dose when I got pregnant, precisely in case something like this happened - but he was worried that while it keeps him on an even keel, it might dull the euphoria of having a baby. Of course, we're rather a long way from euphoria at the moment, so I don't see that as a concern. I've been looking for the right moment to try to bring this up without his biting my head off.

I think 'the line' for me is if he keeps being critical and attacking. That is not normal behaviour from him. If he is loving and protective of our baby and me - as I have always expected him to be, and he has been until very recently - I don't mind bearing the brunt of the practical stuff.

I'm a fairly capable sort, so I'm sure I'd manage without him in my life if he kept being such an arse. It would be a struggle in practical terms, but I'd manage. It would be sad though, as I would very much miss the lovely version of him who seems to be inaccessible at the moment.

Doesnt sound normal to me, he sounds cruel and abusive. He may be stressed but hes going to have lots of stressful times ahead with a new baby.

That men can become abusive during pg or the birth of a child is not a cliche either. Cant remember how many but a high percentage of women suffering from dv have reported that it started during pg.

Im not saying this is the case with you but I think yiu need to be aware, late stages of pg and after the baby is born can be a vulnerable time. You need his support not him calling you names and leaving you to struggle with things. You need to have a talk with him

It sounds like you had a strong relationship before this started - is that right? Or have there been things under the surface that you've been able to 'manage' as long as you didn't need to ask too much of him / be vulnerable?

Now you've mentioned the anxiety, I wonder if that's somewhat contributing? But it's not ok for him to expect you to let him treat you badly because he won't get his anxiety under control, and it's not ok for him to expect everyone to sweep it under the rug so he can avoid dealing with it.

I do think you need to sit him down and talk to him about it, as he sounds like he's taking it out on you, and he's unaware / pretending he doesn't know how horrible he's being.

You poor thing. No, this isn't normal, and it's not likely to resolve when the baby arrives because then things get even more exhausting and potentially stressful.

Do you have any other sources of support in real life?

This behaviour is not normal at all.
The early days of recovering from the birth, sleepless nights, feeling out of your depth etc can be very stressful. Much more stressful than building work.

The baby is almost here. I don't think you have time to tiptoe around him waiting for the right moment to suggest that he needs to change. If it's medical, he needs to do something about it. If it turns out that he's simply being a massive bastard, he needs to stop it or leave. As others have said, it's around this time that abusers often show their true colours.

I think he needs to know how serious this is and that you are prepared to do this on your own if he doesn't do something to change.

This sounds like a mental health problem. He needs treatment.

It's not going to be something you're going to be able to solve by talking calmly and rationally, as it doesn't sound like he's rational. I think you need to recognise the limits of your ability to influence his behaviour. He needs to recognise that something is badly wrong, more so than he's experienced previously, and he needs help.

I agree with the above poster...

If it was a normal person then you would be needing to address his behaviour more directly

If he has anxiety issues such that he is on medication then you need to address this issue first and foremost ...Otherwise he will be unable to process or deal with what you say and it may make things worse

It is the worse time for this behaviour to appear but probably as it is stressful for him too ... And it must be very difficult for you as you are in the last leg and experiencing all the hardships of pregnancy and need support too!

But you say that he is usually level headed and you can talk to him... And is good otherwise .. all marriages go through ups and downs for any number of reasons...don't give up on him (especially when pregnant! God the number of times I have felt like walking out!!!) it could just be his medication needs sorting...

Hope things get sorted... Don't know if it is possible gor you both to just get away for a weekend? Stay in a hotel, eat out etc.. You sound like you need a good break!

It does sound like some kind of mental health issue which he needs to address. The fact it's not just you (the builders etc') and that he is blowing up then unable to link the cause and effect. Sometimes severe anxiety and depression lead to abusive behaviour: it doesn't make it OK, the person needs to seek help.

My DH is super stressed about birth. He's eating too many crisps/beers/cakes and getting stressed out with his little computer characters when he plays his Xbox ('because I won't be playing it for a good few months soon...'). He sometimes has a grumble about wanting to help (he is trying to do all the housework involving lifting/bending for me) but not knowing what to do/me being moany ad hormonal but not in a mean way. To me this seems quite natural for someone in his position i.e. stressed before 1st child.
Nothing like what you describe.

Situations like this are difficult to assess from the outside. It could be the start of a relationship turning abusive or it could be just be that he needs his meds adjusting. To me it sounds like the latter, but I think that's because my dh can turn how you describe if his meds aren't high enough but I know my dh is a wonderful caring man really, just needs meds to keep his serotonin levels right.

Would you be able to say out right that you feel he needs to see his Dr about increasing his medication because his behaviour towards you has become totally unacceptable and you think he needs to get help now? - It works with my dh but I don't know if it would with others.

I really hope you get things sorted.