husband has left me at 28 weeks

[America1]

I wrote in here a couple of weeks ago as worried he didnt love me anymore. He left me a week ago but still wont deny or confirm if he still loves me. Hes saying that the spark has gone and hea unhappy but will always love me as the mother of our child. This is very unexpected and I feel like im grieving.
Wondering if anyone has experience of this, what helped them? And what my rights are I dont want him at the birth and wanting to go to antenatal classes alone. We are married does this make any difference?
Can't think at the moment about house etc.
I cant sleep very well wondering if I should visit gp although I see midwife soon.

Oh America what a horrible shock. I am not surprised you are grieving. I think calling your MW is a really good idea, they will be able to support and reassure you on both practical and emotional grounds.

You don't have to have him there at the birth and the MWs will protect you from anyone trying to attend the birth that you don't want. You don't need him at antenatal classes either.

Do you have anyone close like your mum/sister/a close friend who you might be happy with as a birth partner? I had my mum (as well as DH) and she was fab.

Hopefully others will post better advice but you will get through this. He is being cowardly and weak and running away when things are tough, you are being strong (even if it doesn't feel like it) and will soon have a gorgeous baby. ,

What a massive shock, no wonder you can't sleep and are grieving. Please talk to your GP and/or midwife about what has happened - they may be able to put some extra support in place for you in terms of advice and also practical help for when the baby comes.

In terms of who is present at the birth and antenatal classes this is entirely up to you, your husband does not have any automatic rights to be there so please don't worry about this or feel forced in to anything that you do not want.

In the meantime take care of yourself, try and sleep and eat well, maybe take some time off work if you can. Do you have family or friends around that you could go and stay with for a few days? You will need to sort out the practical issues at some point, but you still have some time to do that.

In terms of the house etc. it maybe worth seeking advice of a solicitor. They will give you a free half hour so you know where you stand if you can't/understandably don't want to work things out.

As Churchillian says though, you have a bit of time for practical stuff. Make sure you are ok first!

That is so so tough. Big hug.

You can choose who is with you regardless of marriage. Please speak to mw and dr. They can offer additional support and information.

Speak to your local Nct group, they are a charity and base costs on your income so if it it just you now and your income is low you might not even have to pay anything to attend.

Who is going to be your birthing partner, you will need someone their to support you.

Also contact relate, I'd recommend some couples counselling either way to work out how you, him and the baby will work once they arrive in the most healthy way.

Are you working? Can you take a little time off to recover from this huge shock which is extra huge in the circumstances? Do you have friends and family close? Can anyone move in with you for the last few weeks?

Focus on you. Take care

How utterly appalling, do tell mw and gp ASAP and ask either a close friend/relative or a nice doula to support you through birth, I wouldn't want him there either in your shoes, and see a lawyer now to get that all started up. My friend's DH revealed his utter awfulness when she was pregnant with an agreed upon baby, he started disappearing for days and he finally left her when the baby was 10 months old after leaving her crying night after night with pnd, coping with baby on her own etc. she's now very, very happily remarried to a lovely man she's so much happier with than she ever was with her ex, and she met him 2 years after her split, so although it looks dreadful now, it doesn't mean you and the baby are facing being on your own forever, as dreadful as this feels now.

Also post on relationships for advice, and take the control back from him. If he's so flakey that he won't confirm or deny that he loves you, decide whether this betrayal is something you can get over. See if you can get emergency counselling for yourself to sort through what you think.

Goodness thank you all for your amazing messages.
I have an amazing mother who is going to stay with me a little while and I am currently off work.
I do feel very betrayed especially when iv been kept in the dark. His vows clearly meant nothing.
I have appts tomorrow to begin hopefully accessing support. So good to hear that he has no rights at birth. I think this would really stress me out. Dont want to look a fool at anetnatel do women go on their own anyway?
Not sure re birthing partner do midwives provide extra support if your on your own? I think my mother would be hurt seeing mein pain.

Don't worry about doing antenatal appts on your own, dh hasn't made it to any due to work and he may well miss the birth due to care of dc1, I imagine that while it's not very common to be on your own, it also won't raise any eyebrows. Talk to your mum, she may be horrified to see you in pain during birth but she may want to be there anyway, I know I would feel both things for my dds and put on my best poker face, actually I'd be delighted to be asked.

Hi OP glad to hear that you have your mum with you. You could take a friend or other relative to ante-natal classes - I attended one with a friend who is a single parent. ditto the birth - you can have anyone you want there. Another possibility may be to hire a doula to support you though the birth and afterwards if you can afford it? Your midwife may know of doulas working locally or if you google doula plus your local area you should find someone local.

WOW I'm sending you lots of healing vibes!
Men get scared and don't understand so blame someone else for their feelings. My partner moved out and left me when I was a few weeks pregnant with excuses like I don't make him happy (nobodys responsibility but his!) and not sure if he loves me. He's back now and I'm 19 weeks, I'll never forgive him but some men just need to MAN UP and step up to their responsibilities and support their woman.
You will have to go through a grieving period I hope you've got people around you :)
I'd also recommend a doula I've heard wonderful things about them.
I hope you manage to get some closure xxx

It is awful isn't it, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

My EX left me with a 1 year old and I was 5 weeks pregnant with our planned second child.

I didn't want to go to bed at night because he was no longer there, I didn't want to eat because we used to eat together and I needed my family to be brutally honest in the end before I accepted what had happened to me.

Take everyday as it comes; sing, talk and rub your belly and know that you're not alone. When the baby kicks play with him or her and make a big deal about sitting down and focusing on the baby in your belly. Go baby shopping, talk to your family about the baby.

As for the birthing classes and the birth the midwives will not want anyone in the room who will cause stress to yourself during this time. I had my EX at my birth and although he wasn't as involved as he would have been had we been together I'm not denying that it was stressful at times because I was still in love with him and afterwards I was left with the baby whilst he went home to do whatever he wanted to do.

I do and I don't regret having him there, it was filled with emotions but we get on well now so I can't complain.

You do not have to have anyone attending your birth if you don't want them to be there.

Talk to your midwife, they were my rock throughout my pregnancy and I text mine whenever I felt down which also helped.

You are not alone, you have that gorgeous baby to look forward to and you will forget about him once you feel the unconditional love that will hit you when you look into your baby's eyes for the first time.

Make plans everyday, go for a walk at least it helps you keep your mind off of things and makes you feel better.

You'll get there, I promise that everyday it will become easier.

People do go on their own to antenatal classes, some also take their mother or a friend who will be their birth partner. It doesnt need to be a husband of boyfriend or anyone at alll with you.

Rhabjs again everyone. Pleased I posted makes me feel better.
iv had to cut all ties as he firmly believes he has done nothing wrong and playing with my emotions. Its time to get strong and move on for me and baby. I feel utterlyreleaved about classes and birth. Phew. you never think in a million years this could happen to you!

That was meant to say thanks....shed a few tears there x

What an awful shock. So glad you have a supportive Mum with you.

On the antenatal classes I did both NCT and the NHS ones. NCT was at the weekend and people did bring partners but bringing your mum or a friend is totally acceptable (they constantly use the language of 'birth partner' rather than husband/father in case that's not the case on the day). For the NHS ones, they were on a Weds afternoon in my area and one father came to the first one, but none after that.

I would also recommend NCT for hopefully (unless you're unlucky) putting you together with a group of mums who will be going through the baby phase at exactly the same time and should give you extra support and friendship. I don't think NHS sessions usually give people this (most people got to NCT classes just to make friends!)

What a selfish twat. Look after yourself hun x

I'd also recommend NCT for friendship reasons, but since you're a way into the pregnancy they may be booked up. Quite a lot of places have NCT weekend crash courses which may well suit you better anyway. Even if you miss the courses, get in touch with the NCT branch as they have bumps and babies coffee mornings, nearly new sales and the like.

I'm so sorry you've been left like this. However, you are most definitely better off without such a tosspot, even though it may not feel like it at times. Where in the country are you? Between us we may be able to suggest other sources of support, groups to join, etc.

Hi, sorry what is NCT?
Iv had 3 people in my marriage and I know its related to that. His MIL has been awful and I have heard nothing from his family even though im carrying their grandchild. I thought it was resolved I had moved on but I dont know what she has been saying to him since. I did question her bringing him down meals for one, a packed lunch and his favourite foods. Guess he chose her over his wife n child.

NCT is national childbirth trust, they are known for running antenatal classes.

Gosh America it sounds like you have had a lucky escape from your H!

Oh my goodness OP i'm so sorry what a horrible situation to be in glad you have your mum for support xx

Yes a dh that gutless isn't likely ever to be a good partner, at least if she becomes your ex-MIL she won't have you to focus her dislike on, except in her head and you won't have to hear about it. wouldn't be any better if it happened after 6 months of him not supporting you while you continually question your sanity, I'm glad he's advertised now what a loathsome man he is before baby's arrival so you can put proper support in place and hopefully avoid getting depressed.

That is one creepy MIL.

I'm doing Antenatal classes and half the class is couples, the other half is either women on their own (I was presuming their partners couldn't get time off work but tbh they may be single for all I know) and there's two women who come with their best friends, and there's one young girl who brings her Granny! Granny is going to be her birth partner too.

It was stressed that only a "birth partner" is allowed in and that is whoever the mother decrees, and that many women choose to not have a birth partner at all and that was fine too.

I would tell the midwife though as they may offer you more support. In my area a community midwife is going to visit me for 5 days post birth to see if I'm ok, but thats cos I'm in their catchment area so you'll have to check with them if there's something like that in your area.

28 weeks is loads of time. I'm 33 & have nothing done! If in doubt I've found Tescos has everything, tbh.

Oh and join your Antenatal thread on here, if you haven't already.

The whole MIL thing has been going on for 3 years. I thought we had turned a corner this year and getting on well. I was clearly mislead. She didnt like the fact that she couldn't just walk in our house while we were in bed and drop by at any opportunity. I tried to put boundaries in place but my husband didnt supportmr with them recently. I was cut off from my sister in law wasnt invited to her hen party and found out from MIL with a smirk on her face.